Husband's email to other woman....what do you think? Should I be upset?

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

All I'll say is that in a relationship, neither party should have anything to hide. Knight and I have told one another every little thing that we may have done wrong, or thoughts we've had, and he has my email passwords and such as I have his. There are things that we may be afraid to share but when you do, it feels so amazing. The trust should be such in one another that even if someone is having stray thoughts (though I'll say we've been lucky enough that this has never happened between us ), you should be able to discuss it openly. The other person might be a little hurt but it doesn't mean that those difficulties or that rough patch cannot be overcome. After all, such things do tend to be fleeting, and addressing what's missing in the relationship you have that causes the other to stray will keep it from happening again. It will also renew the sense of trust on both sides, and make it so much easier for either of you to discuss anything -- and I mean anything.

Magpie.

Edited April 29, 2009 by KnightAndMagpie

[rlogan 2,036]

my wife reads all my emails and I am glad for it -

I will be abetter husband for it

[Cdnwmn 0]

You posted this on April 6, 2009 so you would be the one to know better if you should be upset or not.

Divorce or Annulment?

I would appreciate any help here. My husband has just received his conditional residence papers in February. We will be married one year in May and things have gone downhill in a hurry. The adjustment has been too much for him and he has involved way too many people in our relationship. IE ex wife, ex sister in law, ex female coworker and has been very inappropriate with email and Skype with them. We have been seeing a counselor since September and he simply refuses to take ownership for what this has all done to me. I have also lost close friends here due to his behavior.

Where are we in the process - what will be next with the K-1? Should I file for divorce or an anullment? Doesn't he have to yet prove a relationship? He really can't because he has nothing here in our name and he still uses his UK address when he orders things through the mail. He has accounts overseas, a house in the UK that he paid cash for and also retirement accounts that I know nothing about. Will they deport him with not enough proof?

Now, he wants to fly to Vancouver to spend some time with his son. I need to protect myself and my two children. I don't want him to leave me with nothing. Help me please. I'm at the end of my rope.

[Giskat09 2]

talk to him what's the real deal.....

[Gemmie 142]

All I'll say is that in a relationship, neither party should have anything to hide. Knight and I have told one another every little thing that we may have done wrong, or thoughts we've had, and he has my email passwords and such as I have his. There are things that we may be afraid to share but when you do, it feels so amazing. The trust should be such in one another that even if someone is having stray thoughts (though I'll say we've been lucky enough that this has never happened between us ), you should be able to discuss it openly. The other person might be a little hurt but it doesn't mean that those difficulties or that rough patch cannot be overcome. After all, such things do tend to be fleeting, and addressing what's missing in the relationship you have that causes the other to stray will keep it from happening again. It will also renew the sense of trust on both sides, and make it so much easier for either of you to discuss anything -- and I mean anything.

Magpie.

Ditto.

We tell each other every dark thought that passes through our minds. It brings us closer together because we're able to express our feelings, ask for help, settle confusions, etc.. I never hesitate to ask him about something that pissed me off, and he doesn't feel afraid to tell me I'm out of line.

And for the record, I wouldn't even have a problem if my fiance were still friends with his exes; that might sound strange to some, but he lets me know how he feels on a daily basis and I trust him 100%.

[NatPatBen 3]

All I'll say is that in a relationship, neither party should have anything to hide. Knight and I have told one another every little thing...

Magpie.

Ditto.

We tell each other every dark thought that passes through our minds. It brings us closer together because we're able to express our feelings, ask for help, settle confusions, etc.. I never hesitate to ask him about something that pissed me off, and he doesn't feel afraid to tell me I'm out of line.

And for the record, I wouldn't even have a problem if my fiance were still friends with his exes; that might sound strange to some, but he lets me know how he feels on a daily basis and I trust him 100%.

Magpie, that's awesome.

Gemmie, I'm like you. It's funny how even if you have baggage from the past, with the right person you can still trust 100%.

[luckymom 0]

Sending emails to another man/woman especially if it's connected in your past is a BIG QUESTION MARK in my mind. Of course it depends on the email. But the way I feel in that email is the husband is advancing on something. Since it is not happening yet (the chatting and other forms of communication) get ready for your next move. Be vigilant and if he starts moving forward to that, talk to him just ONCE. There should be no second time around. If he promise on something do not believe him at an instant. Keep an open eye and mind, I know that would be difficult. It's very painful to be surprise in the end so better be prepared. From my experience if a man did something bad in a relationship the first time, a very big percentage he will do it some other time. I always believe that ONCE is enough.

We as wives should live ourselves more before anyone else.

[SterlingGirl 1]

People on here are way too quick to advise divorce. What happend to "til death do us part"? Marriage doesn't just happen, it takes work, and if you guys really love each other, seek counceling. Talk to your pastor/priest if your religious. Find out why he is having thoughts like these, because at minimum its emotional adultery he is flirting with here.

While everyone feels differently about such situations, I'll simply chime in with my own ideas: you should never have to "fight" for the person you love and who is supposed to love you. I'm not saying that means that a relationship doesn't take work; it most certainly does. If two people are having problems like communicating, or arguments within the arena of your specific relationship (you feel he's inconsiderate, you feel she's unadventurous, you butt heads, arguing ensues, etc), that's one thing. That's something you can work on because you can at least safely assume that both people are invested in the relationship and love one another, they just have a hard time relating on some levels and staying in sync as a couple.

But when you're talking about one partner's love being diverted to someone else, that's another thing entirely. Hell, PHYSICAL infidelity (like a one-night stand) could be worked through, it would be hurtful, but it never necessarily means that your spouse is in love with the "other" person. Emotional infidelity is just a whole other ballpark. That's the one thing that should never be in question: their love for you and only you. If I felt like I had to beg someone to love only me, or "keep tabs" on them just to make sure they're emotionally committed, it wouldn't feel right.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone the way it makes sense to me, but you shouldn't have to struggle to have someone love you. Yes, we all get wandering eyes and find ourselves physically attracted to the opposite sex. Yes, we have differences that sometimes manifest in anger and confusion. But I think the ONLY thing that ever makes a relationship worth working on or "fixing" is one where both people at least still have a basic, unchanged love for each other.

If that love isn't there, and the other person is fickle enough to "be in love" with someone else (ESPECIALLY after you've just reunited), then I personally don't see much hope. That person sounds like his "love" is just a randomly gifted novelty that is subject to change on a whim. Were it me, I'd be gone. Relationships can be challenging enough without having to worry whether or not your spouse even fundamentally LOVES you.

[crazytown4u 0]

mmmmmm wow that sucks, i see he states that if he where 15 yrs younger just tell him, hay nobody wants your old butt, but me so deal with it lol nah im playing just talk to him thats the best thing to do is talk with each other try to work things out and if he does not work out then go back to london there r sum hott english guys out there Im sure u can find a few. ( sorry i have to much pride on stuff like this im probley just telling u what i would do lol ) But just talk with your guy, u dont have to tell him about the email are if u want to tell him, even though you should not be looking at them lol trust issues " even though we all have done it are done somthing like that be4 dont let anyone on this post say they did not one time are another we are all nosiy"

[corinne from oz 0]

Jeanne - I would first of all confront him about the email - tell him that you came across this email and ask him whats it all about. see what he says, and take it from there. i would express all of your feelings to him aswell. dont keep it in.

I have a somewhat similar issue with my new husband (who is still "talking to/emailing" his previous gf's and he knows I do not want this - he tells me he isnt in contact with them). I know he lies when i ask him questions, because i already know the answers to those questions. I ask him to see what he says. Although, I have told him that if I find out he's had any intimate relationship with another woman while we have been married, I will leave him in a heartbeat even if it hurts. He says he has done nothing. And as he's my husband, I can only trust him and his word until i see something physical going on with my own eyes.

If you love him, you will work through it. But would recommend that you speak to him about it. Otherwise you'll start dreaming up worse ideas in your head. And I am speaking from experience! Talk to him....the worst thing to happen is you'll have an argument, be angry for a short while, make up, and life goes on....

Hope my advice helps....

Ciao D x

Deidre,

I was concerned to read that your husband lies to you. From one aussie to another, take care girl.

[TBoneTX 43,133]

mmmmmm wow that sucks, i see he states that if he where 15 yrs younger just tell him, hay nobody wants your old butt, but me so deal with it lol nah im playing just talk to him thats the best thing to do is talk with each other try to work things out and if he does not work out then go back to london there r sum hott english guys out there Im sure u can find a few. ( sorry i have to much pride on stuff like this im probley just telling u what i would do lol ) But just talk with your guy, u dont have to tell him about the email are if u want to tell him, even though you should not be looking at them lol trust issues " even though we all have done it are done somthing like that be4 dont let anyone on this post say they did not one time are another we are all nosiy"

Efforts on your part to write in comprehensible English may enable all readers of your posts to understand and perhaps appreciate what you intend to say. As it is, the difficulty of your posts is the message that people are receiving, rather than the content of your messages.

[bhajishah 4]

wot a predator, he needs rehab.

[ziia 9]

If that love isn't there, and the other person is fickle enough to "be in love" with someone else (ESPECIALLY after you've just reunited), then I personally don't see much hope. That person sounds like his "love" is just a randomly gifted novelty that is subject to change on a whim. Were it me, I'd be gone. Relationships can be challenging enough without having to worry whether or not your spouse even fundamentally LOVES you.

SterlingGirl, i LOVE your posts! Your words are so insightfull, so sane and balanced...your mind is GOLD girl. This Forum and your husband are very lucky to have you.

As for the OP, i hope you resolved your issues and your in a better state of mind at present.

[2manypapers 0]

Sorry to read that you are going through this in your marriage. Your counselor is correct, your emails are his emails. We all have a past and are entitled to maintain our friendships, but transparency is very important in any relationship, especially marriage.

I do think that you need to talk to your husband about this and your feelings, because I do believe that every effort should be made to save the marriage, but IMO, the words he wrote belong to his wife, not another woman.

If your marriage is important to him, he will not want to cause you unhappiness, but that does not mean you should not be watching with eyes wide open.

Unfortunately, cyber relationships outside of the marriage are on the rise and it is a hotly debated topic, but they seem to play a role in many divorces today. (Some, not all.)

Wishing you all the best and good luck,

2manypapers

[Tygrys 143]

mmmmmm wow that sucks, i see he states that if he where 15 yrs younger just tell him, hay nobody wants your old butt, but me so deal with it lol nah im playing just talk to him thats the best thing to do is talk with each other try to work things out and if he does not work out then go back to london there r sum hott english guys out there Im sure u can find a few. ( sorry i have to much pride on stuff like this im probley just telling u what i would do lol ) But just talk with your guy, u dont have to tell him about the email are if u want to tell him, even though you should not be looking at them lol trust issues " even though we all have done it are done somthing like that be4 dont let anyone on this post say they did not one time are another we are all nosiy"

Efforts on your part to write in comprehensible English may enable all readers of your posts to understand and perhaps appreciate what you intend to say. As it is, the difficulty of your posts is the message that people are receiving, rather than the content of your messages.

Second that