what to expect when partner arrives

[Chamy and Gatita 3]

It's been almost six months since my husband (then fiance) arrived here. I want to share some of our experience in the hopes that it helps those of you who are still waiting for Day Number One.

First, when you are waiting, it seems like everything is going to be so great when your partner arrives. It will be, but be prepared to weather some storms too. It's hard for your friends and family to understand some of the things we go through, and sometimes they make snap judgements or misunderstand your spouse or relationship. Knowing this in advance, you need to be able to filter out the non-supportive words from even your closest pals. You don't have to dump those friends, just don't go sharing everything for a while.

There were a lot of things I never considered before my husband arrived in the US, and same for him. It will likely be the same for you. No amount of preparation can cover it all, so give yourself a break when you feel overwhelmed or wonder what in the world were you thinking. You may have some friends/family who had misgivings beforehand, and told you, and you brushed it off. Don't sweat it, and if they are not a good listener or supporter right now, just give them space.

If you have friends/family who immigrated here, they can be really understanding and a great help. You can cry on their shoulder, and they are probably waiting to help or listen if you need it. When I was struggling the most, my Salvadorean friend, who's like an Auntie, listened to my guilty confession of "it's so hard!" without surprise or judgment. She said, the first six months are the hardest, for everyone. Dont worry! It will get better! Give it six months. These words carried me through some hard times, and maybe they can help you too.

Keep in touch with some of your friends from VJ. You may reach a point when everything seems bad but you think you can't tell anyone, cause it seems like everyone else is happy. Wrong!!!! Actually, they may be relieved to share similar experiences. It really really helps to talk to others who have a foreign spouse, regardless of the country, because you start to realize who profound the cultural differences are. What you subconsciously or consciously thought your spouse was an idiot/jackass/scardeycat/goofball/etc etc for doing, after talking with others you may come to realize there is a cultural gap that needs to be bridged. You bridge it by talking to your spouse, in a gentle, non blaming, explanatory way.

Realize that it's normal for your spouse to not trust your explanation of some things, and don't be offended. It may take a while for them to americanize on certain things. Give them some leeway, and try to put yourself in their shoes: its not just a location change, moving here involves changing a lot of long-held beliefs too. For example, my hubby won't use a debit card b/c "plastic is only for savings", thinks sun tea is very unhealthy b/c "the water sat in the sun", and believes firmly that when offered a sample at the farmer's market, you must make a purchase, or it's extremely rude. However, after chiding me for months for "slamming" the car door, he now admits that "all americans seem to slam the car doors." Ah, the little successes! And the more other americans that your partner is exposed to, the faster these little successes seem to come, so don't let them hole up too much if they seem fearful or resistant.

Remember that before your partner's arrival here, they may have been primed with all kinds of bad information about INS and our police arresting illegals and so forth. Don't think that once they arrive they will forget- their friends and family back home will continue to feed them with awful stories and rumors. They may not even tell you they fear harrassment or arrest, and they may refuse to believe that because you or a lawyer did all their paperwork, they are safe. They may feel profoundly unsafe, and not tell you. Even if their legal status doesnt trouble them, they may undergo a personality change due to the stress of all the changes in their life, for example, from confident and outgoing to timid and shy. This may lead you to wonder, what the hell was i thinking, and who is this person? Try not to belittle them or be angry that they have "irrational" fears like this. Don't worry! Back to the six month rule! Your partner will gradually feel more and more comfortable and things will really get better when they get their green card. (FYI, that's what the AOS application is for.)

At the six month mark, my husband and I have a long way to go to fully adjust him to the US, me to his customs and beliefs, and each other to marriage. It seems like things will really smooth out with another six months of patience and understanding. We have both come a long way. Remember to celebrate your little successes, and show your love and appreciation for their efforts! You are building the foundation of your lives together. Best wishes to you both. Remember the six month rule!

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Moved to Moving Here and Your New Life in America forum.

What a great post! Lots of fantastic advice.

[Kwagga 0]

Some wise words spoken here. Thank you for sharing

[amberdima 6]

thanks for sharing! i'll be embarking on day 1 in a couple weeks----here we goooooooooooooo

[Badgerella 5]

Americans sure do slam car doors.

[TBoneTX 45,001]

K.: Si, man! What an elegant, sensible, circumspect post -- it should be pinned. I am glad that we are e-buddies regarding "C. & C."

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

It's been almost six months since my husband (then fiance) arrived here. I want to share some of our experience in the hopes that it helps those of you who are still waiting for Day Number One.

First, when you are waiting, it seems like everything is going to be so great when your partner arrives. It will be, but be prepared to weather some storms too. It's hard for your friends and family to understand some of the things we go through, and sometimes they make snap judgements or misunderstand your spouse or relationship. Knowing this in advance, you need to be able to filter out the non-supportive words from even your closest pals. You don't have to dump those friends, just don't go sharing everything for a while.

There were a lot of things I never considered before my husband arrived in the US, and same for him. It will likely be the same for you. No amount of preparation can cover it all, so give yourself a break when you feel overwhelmed or wonder what in the world were you thinking. You may have some friends/family who had misgivings beforehand, and told you, and you brushed it off. Don't sweat it, and if they are not a good listener or supporter right now, just give them space.

If you have friends/family who immigrated here, they can be really understanding and a great help. You can cry on their shoulder, and they are probably waiting to help or listen if you need it. When I was struggling the most, my Salvadorean friend, who's like an Auntie, listened to my guilty confession of "it's so hard!" without surprise or judgment. She said, the first six months are the hardest, for everyone. Dont worry! It will get better! Give it six months. These words carried me through some hard times, and maybe they can help you too.

Keep in touch with some of your friends from VJ. You may reach a point when everything seems bad but you think you can't tell anyone, cause it seems like everyone else is happy. Wrong!!!! Actually, they may be relieved to share similar experiences. It really really helps to talk to others who have a foreign spouse, regardless of the country, because you start to realize who profound the cultural differences are. What you subconsciously or consciously thought your spouse was an idiot/jackass/scardeycat/goofball/etc etc for doing, after talking with others you may come to realize there is a cultural gap that needs to be bridged. You bridge it by talking to your spouse, in a gentle, non blaming, explanatory way.

Realize that it's normal for your spouse to not trust your explanation of some things, and don't be offended. It may take a while for them to americanize on certain things. Give them some leeway, and try to put yourself in their shoes: its not just a location change, moving here involves changing a lot of long-held beliefs too. For example, my hubby won't use a debit card b/c "plastic is only for savings", thinks sun tea is very unhealthy b/c "the water sat in the sun", and believes firmly that when offered a sample at the farmer's market, you must make a purchase, or it's extremely rude. However, after chiding me for months for "slamming" the car door, he now admits that "all americans seem to slam the car doors." Ah, the little successes! And the more other americans that your partner is exposed to, the faster these little successes seem to come, so don't let them hole up too much if they seem fearful or resistant.

Remember that before your partner's arrival here, they may have been primed with all kinds of bad information about INS and our police arresting illegals and so forth. Don't think that once they arrive they will forget- their friends and family back home will continue to feed them with awful stories and rumors. They may not even tell you they fear harrassment or arrest, and they may refuse to believe that because you or a lawyer did all their paperwork, they are safe. They may feel profoundly unsafe, and not tell you. Even if their legal status doesnt trouble them, they may undergo a personality change due to the stress of all the changes in their life, for example, from confident and outgoing to timid and shy. This may lead you to wonder, what the hell was i thinking, and who is this person? Try not to belittle them or be angry that they have "irrational" fears like this. Don't worry! Back to the six month rule! Your partner will gradually feel more and more comfortable and things will really get better when they get their green card. (FYI, that's what the AOS application is for.)

At the six month mark, my husband and I have a long way to go to fully adjust him to the US, me to his customs and beliefs, and each other to marriage. It seems like things will really smooth out with another six months of patience and understanding. We have both come a long way. Remember to celebrate your little successes, and show your love and appreciation for their efforts! You are building the foundation of your lives together. Best wishes to you both. Remember the six month rule!

Thanks! I agree with much of what you say. I had no issues with my family or friends but there are many adjustments, in our case not just from a new country but from going from a big city to a very rural area. Lots of things to decide and solve that she never had to decide or solve before. Lots of things to do and file and enroll and join and blah, blah, blah. Makes moving from one state to another look like a cake walk.

And I may add that your SO will depend on you for everything for some time, and it takes tons of patience and love. But I have never failed to appreciate she is with me every night.

[Leenie 15]

We just want to make sure the door closes!

J/K

Seriously good advice! I enjoyed reading that

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Excellent post and excellent advice. I will add that the first year is the hardest as you learn to adapt to each other and living with someone else in your/their space, but that every year afterwards it gets easier. We will be celebrating our 5th anniversary this year and I would say each year has been better than the one before at defining/finding our level of comfort with each other. While marriage is a partnership, it is not always an equal partnership - sometimes you require more from your partner and sometimes they require more from you. If each of you is willing to give 75% or more to the relationship all the time - or to the best of your ability at the times when you are the one in need, you will always have an overlap of giving to each other that will go a long way to sustaining you through the difficult times that do come.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

It's been almost six months since my husband (then fiance) arrived here. I want to share some of our experience in the hopes that it helps those of you who are still waiting for Day Number One.

First, when you are waiting, it seems like everything is going to be so great when your partner arrives. It will be, but be prepared to weather some storms too. It's hard for your friends and family to understand some of the things we go through, and sometimes they make snap judgements or misunderstand your spouse or relationship. Knowing this in advance, you need to be able to filter out the non-supportive words from even your closest pals. You don't have to dump those friends, just don't go sharing everything for a while.

There were a lot of things I never considered before my husband arrived in the US, and same for him. It will likely be the same for you. No amount of preparation can cover it all, so give yourself a break when you feel overwhelmed or wonder what in the world were you thinking. You may have some friends/family who had misgivings beforehand, and told you, and you brushed it off. Don't sweat it, and if they are not a good listener or supporter right now, just give them space.

If you have friends/family who immigrated here, they can be really understanding and a great help. You can cry on their shoulder, and they are probably waiting to help or listen if you need it. When I was struggling the most, my Salvadorean friend, who's like an Auntie, listened to my guilty confession of "it's so hard!" without surprise or judgment. She said, the first six months are the hardest, for everyone. Dont worry! It will get better! Give it six months. These words carried me through some hard times, and maybe they can help you too.

Keep in touch with some of your friends from VJ. You may reach a point when everything seems bad but you think you can't tell anyone, cause it seems like everyone else is happy. Wrong!!!! Actually, they may be relieved to share similar experiences. It really really helps to talk to others who have a foreign spouse, regardless of the country, because you start to realize who profound the cultural differences are. What you subconsciously or consciously thought your spouse was an idiot/jackass/scardeycat/goofball/etc etc for doing, after talking with others you may come to realize there is a cultural gap that needs to be bridged. You bridge it by talking to your spouse, in a gentle, non blaming, explanatory way.

Realize that it's normal for your spouse to not trust your explanation of some things, and don't be offended. It may take a while for them to americanize on certain things. Give them some leeway, and try to put yourself in their shoes: its not just a location change, moving here involves changing a lot of long-held beliefs too. For example, my hubby won't use a debit card b/c "plastic is only for savings", thinks sun tea is very unhealthy b/c "the water sat in the sun", and believes firmly that when offered a sample at the farmer's market, you must make a purchase, or it's extremely rude. However, after chiding me for months for "slamming" the car door, he now admits that "all americans seem to slam the car doors." Ah, the little successes! And the more other americans that your partner is exposed to, the faster these little successes seem to come, so don't let them hole up too much if they seem fearful or resistant.

Remember that before your partner's arrival here, they may have been primed with all kinds of bad information about INS and our police arresting illegals and so forth. Don't think that once they arrive they will forget- their friends and family back home will continue to feed them with awful stories and rumors. They may not even tell you they fear harrassment or arrest, and they may refuse to believe that because you or a lawyer did all their paperwork, they are safe. They may feel profoundly unsafe, and not tell you. Even if their legal status doesnt trouble them, they may undergo a personality change due to the stress of all the changes in their life, for example, from confident and outgoing to timid and shy. This may lead you to wonder, what the hell was i thinking, and who is this person? Try not to belittle them or be angry that they have "irrational" fears like this. Don't worry! Back to the six month rule! Your partner will gradually feel more and more comfortable and things will really get better when they get their green card. (FYI, that's what the AOS application is for.)

At the six month mark, my husband and I have a long way to go to fully adjust him to the US, me to his customs and beliefs, and each other to marriage. It seems like things will really smooth out with another six months of patience and understanding. We have both come a long way. Remember to celebrate your little successes, and show your love and appreciation for their efforts! You are building the foundation of your lives together. Best wishes to you both. Remember the six month rule!

And just to add, yes I would agree with the 6 month rule. My wife has been here 7 months and it seems the last, maybe 2 months, has been really smooth and "normal". So for us, maybe 5 months...we were lucky. And it helped my wife spoke good English before arriving. Some of it also is for two people, single for quite a while, to adjust to each other and a life with a spouse...no different than any other married couple, but with the added stress of a new country.

[amberdima 6]

here's a question- has anyone lived in the US for a few months and returned on a K1 visa? would that make transitioning less painful? my SO lived here for 3 months when we met. he seemed fairly comfortable and eager to learn. i'm hoping this will make the move a little easier on both of us.

And just to add, yes I would agree with the 6 month rule. My wife has been here 7 months and it seems the last, maybe 2 months, has been really smooth and "normal". So for us, maybe 5 months...we were lucky. And it helped my wife spoke good English before arriving. Some of it also is for two people, single for quite a while, to adjust to each other and a life with a spouse...no different than any other married couple, but with the added stress of a new country.

this is my main concern--i've been single and have lived alone for 2 years....it's going to be quite the change!

[gensdad515 2]

Reading the beginning of the article I was expecting some major issues but they seem to be minor things. There will always be a period of adjustment when moving from one country to another, especially one that has older traditions and sentiments such as Ecuador. Think about it, Work is different, school is different, stores, the way things are done, las costumbres ( sorry can't think of it in English) basically everything. You get here and you miss the music, the TV shows, the food , is a pretty big adjustment for someone . I don't know how much I my fiancee listens to me, I 've warned her that things are different here, not just in day to day things but in the way of living. I think that Latin countries have a more laid back attitude than here in the US. I've seen that they will go out during the week to a get together to a rest or club and stay out till 2 or 3 in the morn and then go to work th next day, something I think which is not that common here. Or maybe I'm just getting old and boring ?? hahah My major concern with my bride to be is her connection to her family and her friends. She has all her family over there, Dad, Mom, 2 sisters and brother. She also has a group of close friends which have known each other since grade school and will occasionally get together. Here it will be mostly just me and her, I have few friends that I get together with and I see my family once in a blue moon. It will be a struggle for both of us, but that I think will help in the bonding with one another. All relationships have their ups and downs, and all have their moments. Things will get better, don't forget the feelings that brought you two together. Vane will be arriving on the 27th of this month, I will write as we go along in the continuation of our journey. Good luck and hang in there. Jorge

[Chelartie 0]

On the mark! I was once accused of door slamming--but only in his car, not mine.

[scandal 951]

Very good post, thanks! Definitely worth referring to.

I brought my first wife (Brazilian) to live first in Canada (6 years in Toronto) and then the US (5 years in Sunnyvale CA).

She never really wanted to come to either place, and always wanted to leave. We had plenty of arguments about the cultural divide. In the end the marriage failed after 17 years. Geography was definitely a part of that.

But I'm not a quitter, hoping that second time around will be a charm. Can't wait for my Thai fiancee to join me here and spend the rest of our lives together absorbing each others cultural nuances

[Krikit 1,164]

Excellent post, Chamy and Gatita. But I agree with Kathryn that the adjustment phase is closer to 1+ years than six months.

here's a question- has anyone lived in the US for a few months and returned on a K1 visa? would that make transitioning less painful? my SO lived here for 3 months when we met. he seemed fairly comfortable and eager to learn. i'm hoping this will make the move a little easier on both of us.

Unfortunately, it doesn't help. It's much much more than being familiar with the area. It's the whole process of re-establishing yourself by dealing with the next phases of the immigration process, trying to figure out how things are done here..... obtaining your driver's license, SSN, bank/credit issues.... and on and on and on.... all the while dealing with the separation from everything and everyone you knew and loved. It's very traumatic, really.