Dealing with family drama

[jsand78 0]

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to get some perspectives on the subject of dealing with your family when they do not approve of/or understand your relationship with someone from a foreign country. I have been with my SO for almost three years now, and I have always tried to be very honest with my family about my feelings for him and my desire to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. They have been very negative from the get-go and have put so much pressure on me to just end my relationship. They don't think that we could possible know each other well enough to be getting married, even though we have been in constant communication from the beginning and I spent the last two summers in Ghana with him. I only have a few family members who have expressed support for my decisions; most (all of my immediate family) are not supportive at all and think that I am stupid and potentially ruining my life with my decision to petition for my SO to come here.

Has anyone else faced this problem? How have you dealt with it? Does this change when your SO is here and your family has had a chance to adjust to your marriage?

Thanks for all of your input!

[mkg265 2]

They didn't understand why I could just date a man from here. My family changed their opinion the moment they saw me with my husband! When they see how happy he/she makes you, they will come around.

[Leedah 22]

I totally understand what you are going through.

I am currently going through the exact same thing.

Ours situation is a little worse because my husband is due to have his immigration interview in a few days (his 3rd one) and my family members won't act as a cosponsor simply because they don't want me to be married. period. Not really to someone foreign, mind you. just married. (Only have one aunt and uncle still married,..the rest are single or in bad non-married relationships)

I actually asked my mother to cosponsor my husband and her exact words were, "If I can't get a man, why should I help you get a man!" (Yes, something is wrong with this picture).

I was floored to say the least. My husband has met my whole family (atleast by phone and webcam) and everyone knows that I go to africa every three months to see my husband. No questions on that.

However, its still like the twilight zone. We've been married over 2 years, known each other 5 years, etc. That is nothing in their eyes.

I even have to call my husband in secret when visiting my mother because if she knows he's on the phone, she will start "catchin an attitude".

Anyway, I would advise you to be around friends that have foreign spouses. It will help you cope better.

Don't try to please your family too much. That is your husband and you two are only obligated to each other.

I learned that the hard way. Also, when your family starts on you, just walk away. Its all you can do to avoid a family drama session. Wait for your husband to come to the U.S. and let them get to know him. They will probably change their tune about him.

[meowmeowmeow 0]

My family worried about the emotional/mental toll it would have on me to be going through this process. I have a Turkish ex which whom I went through a similar hell with. It took me over a year to recover fully from that experience. That was their main fear...but that thank goodness dissipated when they met him this summer...now they're just worried I'm going to climb the walls from antagonizing about the situation too much. I guess I've sort of proven that here already with my random posts

In regards to your situation, hang in there. You will not have to deal with their ####### soon enough...what matters only is the love between you and your husband. Hypothetically, family is family and will always be there for you, but sometimes that's not the case. I hope your hubby will come back quickly and that you two will be united soon and start your own family!

Regards,

[Perseverance 1]

AH Family,

DONT TELL THEM ANYTHING NEGATIVE!!!!

They dont get it, and they never will. I have found that friends and family do not understand at all!! They will not relate. Telling them about your woes will only further the distaste for your SO. Find a friend that CAN relate to you. B) You will discover that someone with a foriegn spouse has a LOT in common with you.

[chispas 0]

Good questions with an unlimited amount of answers and scenarios. In this situation family can be your best support or the thing that tears you apart from your SO. From what I understand, you feel lack of support from your “family” members. Correct? If so, it is natural for family members to be concerned for you and your relationship with someone who lives in another country, down the street, around the corner or from another culture. I’d say they feel that way because they love you and feel apprehension with the unknown and whatever else they may or may not be able to control. That’s natural, I think. I’d encourage you to make strong ties with others who understand, have walked in your shoes or simply just support you in this stage in your life and will be there for you through all trials and tribulations. Sometimes it is best not to let those who are the closest to you, relatives, know everything that you are experiencing with your journey. I’m not saying to isolate yourself or deceive them in any way, but you need to surround yourself with people who are there for you without judgment either way. The expectation is that when your husband arrives, they’ll get the chance to know him and learn to accept him for who he is and your relationship for what it is. You’re building a life together for each other and everyone else around the both of you is the support/extended family. I didn’t tell many people in my family what I was doing during the VISA process because I wanted to be able to concentrate on our goal rather than the distractions of family and close friends who all had opinions. I tried to stick to the rule that only YOU know what you are living and nobody else. If he is a great husband, you’ll know. If he isn’t, you’ll know that too and no other opinion or interference is going to alter your truth. So be true to yourself and to each other.

[reeses16 8]

Its not easy to deal with family sometimes. It was took me a while to get to this point, but basically I calmly listened to their opinions. I had to realize my actions and feelings didn't need justification. I listened to them, thanked them for their concern (in a sincere way! they were genuinely concerned), restated my decision. If topics/discussion kept coming up, I eventually told them that I understood their concern and that I would not longer continue to discuss things that had already been discussed. In order for this to work your ultimate goals has to be peace, you have to not react (even if you are offended), by firm, but let them know that you are listening.

I think its important to find an ally, a VJ friend a real life friend to talk to about the process and waiting. If you share this with unsupportive people, they will just find happiness in the length and tediousness of the process. Do you best to maintain your relationship with your family, but you will need to draw the line at some point.

Best piece of advice I got that family would either "fall-in or fall-out".

Since my hubby got here everything has been fine. I think they key was that My family got to spend time with him one-on-one without me. He is close with my family. I was prepared either way, but very happy that he's been welcomed into our family.

[Afrilaskan Queen 0]

Well I would love to contribute to this post, because yes, I have experienced objections and wonderful support. Initially when I met and got involved with my SO the personalties of those I knew reacted in accord with their personality. Those who are naturally supportive were, those who are extreme were extreme and so on.

People always think they're right it seems, and many wish to butt in and meddle, that's why knowing yourself and who you are is so valuable.

I really truly relate to feeling the pain of others looking down upon you, judge motive of your love, and others always looking skeptically at your relationship. . . . relationships are already challenging, why should they add to the stress? . . . it doesn't seem to occur to them. In short, time is what altered peoples extreme reactions. Many thought it was amazing and awesome, many equally thought it was bizarre and confusing. I found I couldn't do a thing to help them see things differently, and time truly solved those problems. Some will always have bias based on their experiences long before you came along with your SO.

I have also seen a family member years ago marry a man who was gossiped about terribly by family, speculation still exists as to whether he's out for something - like 8 years later! I think our media guides people to believe that this is the place to be, in the US, and because of that you're naive and gullible and stupid. That feels so offensive, doesn't it?

But if you know it's not true you can let it flow off your back and remember that the greatest lesson is not usually one where you tell someone off. The moment for my family's foreign husband was his actions - his actions! Also the least you worry then the less attention you draw to their feelings. Don't let it take away your joy!

I will say it again, don't let it destroy your joy! you will not be in this place with your SO ever again - enjoy it! Don't let anyone take it from you! Share with supportive people who enjoy talking about it, or your energy will go to places that dry you up. I would limit information with those who will use it to hurt you.

It is natural to feel defensive for one you care for or love, but I can honestly say looking back on those who treated us poorly that in their minds they thought they were doing the right and loving thing. Not everyone may be so altruistic, some people may just have pain and jealousy in their heart seeing you happy. Either way doesn't change your relationship and what it is.

I know now looking back that people really did care and were worried, and that they cared for me enough to say something they knew would cause anger made me think that their heart was in the right place.

Now that my SO is aalace. the humiliations of the past seem so less important. I had people say horrible things about me, but they also were watching me and how i reacted. In time things will sooth, I'm sure. And if they don't then again you can't let them take your love from you, they're just people who put pants on one leg at a time. Be wise, discerning, and enjoy your relationship!

Cheers!

[ForeverAmen 0]

Good questions with an unlimited amount of answers and scenarios. In this situation family can be your best support or the thing that tears you apart from your SO. From what I understand, you feel lack of support from your "family" members. Correct? If so, it is natural for family members to be concerned for you and your relationship with someone who lives in another country, down the street, around the corner or from another culture. I'd say they feel that way because they love you and feel apprehension with the unknown and whatever else they may or may not be able to control. That's natural, I think. I'd encourage you to make strong ties with others who understand, have walked in your shoes or simply just support you in this stage in your life and will be there for you through all trials and tribulations. Sometimes it is best not to let those who are the closest to you, relatives, know everything that you are experiencing with your journey. I'm not saying to isolate yourself or deceive them in any way, but you need to surround yourself with people who are there for you without judgment either way. The expectation is that when your husband arrives, they'll get the chance to know him and learn to accept him for who he is and your relationship for what it is. You're building a life together for each other and everyone else around the both of you is the support/extended family. I didn't tell many people in my family what I was doing during the VISA process because I wanted to be able to concentrate on our goal rather than the distractions of family and close friends who all had opinions. I tried to stick to the rule that only YOU know what you are living and nobody else. If he is a great husband, you'll know. If he isn't, you'll know that too and no other opinion or interference is going to alter your truth. So be true to yourself and to each other.

JSand78,

The feedback posted by others are on point, and will help you in your journey. In addition to what has been shared by others, I want to piggy back off of Chispas point highlighted above. Plain and simple - somethings are best kept to yourself. Family members and friends really do have your best intrest at heart (for the most part). However, it is you and only you that knows the ends and outs of your relationship, your feelings for each other, etc., etc. No one can tell you how you should/should not feel when it was you (not them) talking on the phone forever, sending emails, staring in each others eyes, and so forth. So really - what do they know?! Not a thing.

There have been a few times on VJ that I've read comments, wanted to find the individual, and shout 'buyer beware'!. But what would it have accomplished? Nothing! There are things / experiences that we each experience (one on one) that validates our feelings in relationships. Someone from the outside will not necessarily be able to see what you see. Therefore, keep everyone out of your business, and move forward.

When things are moving smoothly, you tell those who ask 'hows it going?' ... "it's going well." When things look like they are falling apart, and they ask 'hows it going?', you say .... "it's going well." Even when you are not sure if you are coming or going, you say ... "it's going well". As Perseverance said earlier, 'don't tell them anything negative'!

Hang in there!

Boaz

[ForeverAmen 0]

One more thing ... tonight my husband and I celebrated our recent 3rd year of marriage. To this day, my entire family, and 99.99% of my friends believe our wedding anniversary is sometime this summer (when we had our church wedding). And guess what?!?!? That's exactly how I'm leaving it. Filing papers for my husband to be able to come to America? What is that?!??!? Believe me when I say - the only people I've discussed everything with regarding this whole immigration stuff, are the ones reading my response right now.

Boaz

[childress_london 3]

One more thing ... tonight my husband and I celebrated our recent 3rd year of marriage. To this day, my entire family, and 99.99% of my friends believe our wedding anniversary is sometime this summer (when we had our church wedding). And guess what?!?!? That's exactly how I'm leaving it. Filing papers for my husband to be able to come to America? What is that?!??!? Believe me when I say - the only people I've discussed everything with regarding this whole immigration stuff, are the ones reading my response right now.

Boaz

Yeah I wish that's what I had done.

[We_Destiny 1]

My mother always told me "keep small arguments and disagreements with your spouse away from your family members and close friends", she always says "once you have forgiven, made up and moved on the people that are close to you usually still hold on to the anger". It is like how your friends and family usually can sympathize with their loved ones side of an argument without knowing both sides of the story (loyalty).

[kk_mine 0]

I think for most of us we have had the same experience. My siblings don't like the fact at all!!! My sis does not even really want to talk to me now. She has cancer and when my SO asked about her she was very upset. She has seen so many programs on scams she does not trust our relationship. My brother is the same way. They think he is juss trying to get in the states. But funny thing is they have not talked to him etc. They are judging someone they know nothing about and dont care to.

My mom, grandmother & aunt Love it! My mom calls him, my grandmother has even talked to him. My grandmother has his pic in her room. She says when she wakes up she says good morning (says his name). how cute! Funny as they all are older and they were the ones I thought who would be against it and they are trying to help us. My older brother is for us he said why not? And has been very encouraging!

[JelloShotGirl 0]

All I can say , is I found out who my" real" friends were during the k1 process .they said some really F*^&ked up things that brought me to tears(on private of course) . My family thought i was going through a faze, their comment was "is this for real?" that really hurt me. Well, to make a long story short just do what is in your heart dont pay attention to what everyone says, its you and your fiancees business, there are a lot of jealous people out there.

update: almost three years later, I am convinced my family Loves my husband a lot more than me! heheh! it's true!

[Darnell 8,478]

My scenario was a little bit different, but perhaps someone has done this also...

I told my pfamily about my upcoming engagement a few years ago - they said, 'What? Huh? What's going on???' - and then I reminded them of a 'prior conversation' -

I'm looking to get married - would you help me? I'm looking for a lass with the following characteristics (gave em a list ).

----

Well guess what - cousin - ya FAILED ME. You failed to turn up any lass with the criteria I asked for, in a 2 year period. Bad On You !

I had to do the search myself, find the lass myself, meet the lass myself, without your help, without your guidance, without your inputs.

YOU FAILED ME.

----

What? You can give me advice now, after you FAILED ME, with my search for Happiness? REALLY???

-=-=-=-=-=--=

Anyway - that's how that convo went - with 6 relatives. It's strange, too, as one side of that family has some asian, another side has lots of asian.

Good Luck with da family - I recommend exlax-brownies as gifts, always...