how much do I put up with before deciding on divorce?

[JillA 2]

You need to get out, remove yourself from this abusive relationship. He is BELITTLING you, berating you. You do not deserve that, no one does. Emotional/verbal abuse is what's going on here, don't take it anymore! We are all telling you to get out, there's not much else to be said.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Abuse is Abuse; and no, you don't have to stick it out, pony up, live with it or any of that religious XIV century bullsh1t. You might just be my new best friend: marriage is NOT about cooking, or about submitting. That is absolute cr@p coming from one-cell-brained VJ members.

You seem like quite an eloquent and educated woman; and I am sure you can arrange to look up Social Services in your area: they usually can provide couples (or individual) counseling that would be of much help. Communication is the key sister. And the decision is yours.

Be cool

[LaL 418]

Having watched a few of my friends deal with abusive relationships, the biggest thing I came to recognize is those "glimmer of hopes" and how confusing those glimmers can be. Once their SO would come around and be affectionate, apologetic, or what have you - they saw hope, and would just chalk up an abusive episode to a bad day, or whatever else excuse they wanted to apply to it. Abusers are not simply angry 24 hours a day, which somehow seems to be a misconception. Just something I observed.

[confuzzled 0]

Well. The first person I called for my mom's number was the sister he does not like. He started speaking to me in a disrespectful fashion and I told him this is none of his business whether I call my mom or not and who I get the number from. So he said he wants a divorce.

I was tired of him saying that I am irresponsible and lazy, and I didn't think before I said this was not his business. Some people may think I seen eloquent in writing. But in speech I am a klutz. That happens to be something I had a problem with even before him. To get by, I usually don't speak much.

My path might seem obvious, but posting here has helped me gather my thoughts.

So thank you, even the unhelpful people, because I needed to hear all the perspectives people might have, not just the ones correct in my situation.

[Minya's wife 24]

Having watched a few of my friends deal with abusive relationships, the biggest thing I came to recognize is those "glimmer of hopes" and how confusing those glimmers can be. Once their SO would come around and be affectionate, apologetic, or what have you - they saw hope, and would just chalk up an abusive episode to a bad day, or whatever else excuse they wanted to apply to it. Abusers are not simply angry 24 hours a day, which somehow seems to be a misconception. Just something I observed.

To your bolded part I would add: and after a while, one gets really good at excusing the behavior...really good.

[childress_london 3]

Yes, it sounds like he is abusive. You will spend every day hoping things will change, that maybe this time he won't put you down, insult you, or whatever. Maybe this time he will be nice or respectful. Maybe this time you won't "screw up" so he will love you. Maybe you can be the perfect person he wants you to be so he will treat you right. You can go on for years hoping until you end up going to sleep every night crying because you are so miserable. Then you will realize that if this is what marriage is supposed to be like, that you would rather be alone for the rest of your life than be married. But believe me, this is NOT what marriage is supposed to be like.

[almaty 19]

he sounds like a controlling chopf##k and a dickhead...

[SaadBell 0]

The next time he tells you about how much better the women are in his homeland, tell him you bet they are, unlike American women they don't work 50 hours a week making money to support your loser butt. The reason he didn't get lucky in his homeland is he is a poor, nasty loser. You deserve much better than that, and I am just guessing that you paid the majority of the visa process. If you did make him pay you back with interest, get it in the divorce settlement, and make the interested high like at least 15%.

[confuzzled 0]

Weeeell....actually, I made it a point not to give him a penny for it. He managed it somehow, borrowing money from family.

All I paid for was tickets to visit him. When I visited, he insisted on paying for everything.

Edited February 27, 2009 by confuzzled

[Marc & Solika 1]

because of the way you are thats why i said that...you as a wife has to submit yourself to your husband...you are not ready to do that.

what you were talking was such an immature thing...talking about not brushing the teeth and about your dog...etc etc.. i mean if you are matured enough and ready to be a wife...you wont talk something like that against your husband...if you think you dont love your husband anymore then file for divorce...you dont need to elaborate all the things that he does..my gosh...if your not a housewife type then just be his wife.

SUBMIT??? What century are you from???

[Marc & Solika 1]

guys, lets keep in mind before you jump down the husbands throat, that this is basically a disgruntled woman coming online to feel empowered.

if a husband came on here and started bitching like this, i would say the same thing.

its fantastic that you would think about divorce after 1.5 years...

this is what i detest about modern american morals. when you get married, you are making a promise to each other that you are going to stay with each other no matter what. (not just if your sposes teeth are splashed with listerine, or if he likes your dog, or if the sex is great)

i love the corn balls that, come online and are the first ones to scream DUMP HIM!! FORCED SEXZ IS TEH BAD!!11!one!!1

ABUSING AMINALZ IS 4 CEREAL KILLAZ!!!

i read this womans essay on how horrible her husband is, and you know what?!

if your idea of clean is wiped down, sanitary enough so that there are no insects or rats etc...you have problems, if you have "clean" dishes with almost no food on them laying all over the kitchen and cloths thrown about the house and ###### laying all over but its "clean" guess what?! ITS NOT CLEAN! and YOUR A PIG!

if i walk into my kitchen and there is ###### strewn about helter skelter, and a sink full of dishes, and the dogs pulling stuff out of the trash can. im going to call my wife and demand some god damned answers, and whoop that dogs ####, i dont care if the dog is an heirloom from her dear departed aunt tilly.

and u know what else? im not holding any double standards here. if my wife walks into my garage, and sees engine parts strewn about, a disabled car, tranny fluid all over the floor, calls me in there and tells me that shits not going to fly like this in her house. im going to be a grouchy little indian and clean up my mess. if the yard is a mess with leaves or the snow is not shoveled, i know my wife and shes going to stab me.

as far as sex:

im a guy, and my view is as follows: it is your mutual responsibilities to keep each other satisfied.

if you want him to brush his teeth before you go to bed, then yes he should brush his teeth before he goes to bed, and do essentially what it takes to keep you happy.

but if he was sex 2 times a night 7 days a week... then pony up...hes gotta do it for you too.

forced sex? i doubt hes raping you, as in punching you out, and literally forcing him self onto you, i can however believe he insists on sex...which is not uncommon, its something married folks do...bang him.

as far as your dog:

its a dog, if its causing trouble in your marriage...get rid of it.

and people need to keep in mind that she has some awful habits of her own that shes not even mentioning here...how do you know what shes like? dont support her divorcing her husband! stuff like this is the the characterization of the decay of moral standards in this country. you should have know about his machismo before you married him. you made your bed..now lay in it.

OBVIOUSLY IF HES BEATING YOU UP, AND RAPING YOUR DOG, AND KILLING BABIES...devoice him

Wow, what a cold SOB!

[MihaelaNYS 10]

Does anybody know if USCIS will see the divorce decree or they will see the terms of settlement too??? (in case on I-751 application)

(I don't even have any ideea how a divorce decree looks like - I can only imagine is something similar with a marriage decree only that says divorce on it).

[HannahP 119]

Why do people of a certain fundamental persuasion insist on pushing their values onto other people?

[Ana Paula 2]

I usually don't respond to this type of topic, because what goes on someone's heart is very unique and we dont and we will never live their lives and feel their feelings, but I have to respond to this one...

I think some people here took it, I would say not personally, but as a "nationality" problem.. come on people, how old are yall?

No one here is saying that people from this or that country are this and this and that... bla bla bla... just a bunch of bla bla bla!!! This topic is not to prove who yall are, how good or bad people from yalls country are from, this is a topic made to give opinions about what some HUMAN BEING is feeling. This is not about YOU. Its about her. Go prove your husband or wife who you are. No one here pays your bills but them. Or wipe your @ss, as it was said... who gives a $#@%#$ to who wipes your #### or do whatever to you? I dont care. But it is a womans heart out there needing some advice. She doesnt want to know who cleans your bathroom or your $%#$!!

About God.... Does God want us to be unhappy? Does God want (really) us to be in a marriage that we are not happy? Does God want us, woman or man, to be hurt inside just to make someone satisfied? What about our satisfaction? God doesnt think about our satisfaction? HE DOES! He wants us to be happy... all of us. It does not depend of country of origin or religion, God is one, and he wants all of us to be happy. Does God wants a woman or a man to submit to their loved ones, when the "loved" one treats them like #######?? We are not playing God here... Let God decide what he wants, you dont have the power to decide what God wants.

This is about her heart, and what she feels, we will never understand. People feel different. People are brought to different cultures and were raised different. My mother wakes up everyday at 5am to go to work and comes back at 8pm, and my dad washes clothes, washes the dishes, takes care of my sister because he works less than her. And she does help him when she can help him. Some man would never do it. Some woman would never work as hard as my mom does, because we all are different.

The answer to your question, is inside your heart. What I can say is what I would do, but different things work for different people. I love my dog as she was my own daughter, and I say that she just didnt came out of me (and some of yall might think I am retarted). I would never accept someone that would threaten her. I am not the type of woman that will sit at home and clean the whole day. I need to do other things, and it doesnt mean that i am a pig... I clean my house, do my stuff but sometimes i dont want to clean dishes... does it make me less of a woman than those that dont clean and do nothing all day while I work from 7 to 7 and get home tired as hell?

I am the better wife i can be. And you are too, on your own way, i am sure of that. But you have to ask yourself if you are ready to give up on some little things for someone. If the answer is "no", I would re-think about the marriage. Are you willling to put up with some of his habits, and try to understand his reasons to do somw of the things he does? If you have doubt of it, I would again, re-think the whole marriage thing. You are not gonna go to hell if you get divorced, and I am sure God wants you to be happy... married to him or not.

But about the sex thing... this is very personal. He needs to understand that you might not want anything at that time... And remember those who said that you have to "do it" as many times as he wants - in heaven there is no sex... you are a human being that wants things or not, and those are your feelings. So he needs to respect that. you are not a sex machine. But everybody will have different views of the same thing. You, in the other hand has to respect his wishes also, and find a gap where yall can work it out and make it good for both.

From the bottom of my heart, I hope you can figure out what to do and go for your happiness. Yourt happiness is not in anyones hand ot in any marriage or anything. Whatever works out for you, whatever makes you happy, do it. Life is just too short to be losing time.

If you decide to leave him, take all these things you learned and make it better, make it as a lesson that you have learned and use when you have to.

No women and no men should "submitt" theirselves to anyone. You can be married, but you are one person, he is another. You see with your eyes and breathe with your own lungs and at some point yall decided to be together and do things as one, feel as one, and live as one... but you guys are still different, have independent thoughts and that doesnt mean that you love more or less, or your marriage is better or worse than any other person here.

I respect my husband as one individual and also does he. I know we wont agree in some things, will think different about other things, and that doesnt mean we hate each other or we are not like husband and wife should be. It means that we respect each others differences because we chose to live as one, but we are still individuals.

Now, talk to your heart. Thats what I would do. Think of all the possibilities and opportunities that you might have in your life, with him and without him. See whats best for you, what excites you more about the future. Then decide. Ask God to talk to your heart. He wants you to be happy and so does some of the people here.

As this other ones here that are talking about submission, or "you got married now live with it"... they just made one more person in this world laugh about them, and think that they are so funny, that its not even funny... One more person thinks that you, person, that says that you have to submit as a robot and do whatever your man says and be unhappy and all those things that makes no sense, is very very .... yeah... I wont even say anything. It doesnt deserve a comment.

And yes, YALL dont mess with texas!

Wish you guys all the best, always. And I am sorry for the "bible". Too long, but I hope someone can find something in my words withmy poor english... In the end, we are all the same to God and I really wish all of you here the best.

From my brazilian heart....

Hugs!!

(and i am sorry of i wrote too many things wrong)

[thetreble 19]

Wow! There are some twisted personal opinions in this thread, many written really poorly. If you can't spell or string together a sentence, better not to say it at all eh?

If the OP is unhappy and feeling like the marriage isn't working, then she needs to do what she needs to do to better her situation. If she continues to stay and take shite from her miserable SOB husband, then oh well.

Edited February 27, 2009 by thetreble