how much do I put up with before deciding on divorce?

[Ban Hammer 12,886]

People who have no problems being cruel to animals is a HUGE warning sign to me. Run, don't walk, towards the nearest divorce attorney...!

Actually from my understanding as well , abuse of animals is also a sign of a latent serial killer. The next time your husband "threatens" you with divorce, I'd say, "You promise?".

it's an indicator that shouldn't be ignored, especially if one is a parent and their kid is doing that.

[DanielParul 50]

Ok, now I am not trying to be unsympathetic or mean, but for those of us who are new to this process and love our spouse/fiance, I think this type of post can be very disheartening. I understand that this is a support sight but if you are with your significant other and things aren't working out I think you need to find support from people other than those who are still away from their loved ones. Face it, bad marriage are made every day not just with foreign spouses. That's just my opinion.

So why are you taking it personally? Is your relationship really that weak that it puts doubts in your head when somebody else wants support? Face it, people will come here looking for support and advice and you need to be more confident of your relationship. Heaven forbid, you ever have a situation where you need advice (I pray that you don't) wonder how you would feel not being able to get it because some people will get disheartened. Have a little compassion for others.

[nurse1967 287]

Ok, now I am not trying to be unsympathetic or mean, but for those of us who are new to this process and love our spouse/fiance, I think this type of post can be very disheartening. I understand that this is a support sight but if you are with your significant other and things aren't working out I think you need to find support from people other than those who are still away from their loved ones. Face it, bad marriage are made every day not just with foreign spouses. That's just my opinion.

There's plenty of stuff on VJ that can be disheartening, but does that mean that people should not be able to post their actual experiences? No. I see that you just joined and if you are already disheartened from this one post, then I pity the fact that you are going through the Egyptian embassy.

Ha ha that's funny

[nurse1967 287]

Ok, now I am not trying to be unsympathetic or mean, but for those of us who are new to this process and love our spouse/fiance, I think this type of post can be very disheartening. I understand that this is a support sight but if you are with your significant other and things aren't working out I think you need to find support from people other than those who are still away from their loved ones. Face it, bad marriage are made every day not just with foreign spouses. That's just my opinion.

So why are you taking it personally? Is your relationship really that weak that it puts doubts in your head when somebody else wants support? Face it, people will come here looking for support and advice and you need to be more confident of your relationship. Heaven forbid, you ever have a situation where you need advice (I pray that you don't) wonder how you would feel not being able to get it because some people will get disheartened. Have a little compassion for others.

No honey that's not it. LOL forget I mentioned it and go on with the counseling session.

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

Good grief, some of the responses I've seen on here...I'd like to the WTFs that others have put up.

Relationships are about being able to take the bad with the good, and accepting and loving one another for your angels and your demons -- but I cannot say that the demons he has are minor in the least. I'm sorry, but threatening divorce, going off with other women, poor hygiene, verbal abuse, abuse toward your dog and sole interest in the bedroom? Please. Nobody should have to put up with that.

The one who needs to change here is him, but from what you've expressed, he doesn't strike me as the type who will. Yes, marriage is compromise, but it's futile when one side utterly refuses to do so for the better. If you're not the submissive type, you shouldn't be with someone who expects you to be. I came from a background where women were expected to be submissive, but no way in hell was I willing to accept that. In my case, it was my family who were the abusers, so I got out and took my cat with me. I'm a lot happier for it, I can be myself and I don't have to fear going home every day.

Sometimes it's difficult to assess what someone is really like before you spend a lot of time under the same roof. Perhaps the person you thought he was wasn't the person he was in reality, and everyone's had a lapse in judgement like that at some point or another. Find some outside support and get out; it's not worth putting yourself through that anymore. He might not be physically harming you, but verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse.

:: Hugs :: I hope and pray you get out of this. Nobody should be subjected to this. Please feel free to PM me if you want to have a chat.

Magpie.

[snapcracklepop 0]

To the OP

Ignore everyone who says that the way he treats you is "normal". Treating someone badly and hurting them physically and emotionally is NOT OK. Abuse is a slippery slope. Once you start thinking that it's all your fault, you'll loose your courage to get him out of your life.

Speak to him honestly and tell him how his constant bullying makes you feel. If he makes an effort to change (and not just for a week, but for EVER) then that's great. If he makes a limp effort at trying to be a mutual partner and starts being an idiot again, then send him packing.

Take your life back and don't be a victim to this spineless man's verbal and emotional abuse. But be smart about it and plan your exit. This man sounds like he could be vindictive and threaten you if you try to divorce him. Before you tell him to ####### off back to his own country, make sure you have a place to stay - heck - does he even work?! Do you pay all the bills? Do you share bank accounts? The last thing you want is to be stranded and have this evil man render you homeless and penniless. If you're paying the bills, give him all his stuff in a box then change the locks on him. If you don't trust him, or you think he may threaten you physically, then move out and don't tell him where you live.

If he is on a conditional 2 year green card, then officially tell USCIS that you no longer support this marriage, officially withdraw your Affidiavit of Support, and give the immigration authorities ALL his information so that they can make sure he's shipped off back to his own country.

Whatever you do, make sure YOU'RE the one taking action. It will help you win back your self confidence and you won't feel like the victim being thrown out onto the street. Send this abusive bully packing - back to his own country, where he can "live with women who will submit to him". Take your life back girl and don't ever let a man make you feel worthless!! Real men don't do that to the women they love and respect

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

To the OP

Ignore everyone who says that the way he treats you is "normal". Treating someone badly and hurting them physically and emotionally is NOT OK. Abuse is a slippery slope. Once you start thinking that it's all your fault, you'll loose your courage to get him out of your life.

Speak to him honestly and tell him how his constant bullying makes you feel. If he makes an effort to change (and not just for a week, but for EVER) then that's great. If he makes a limp effort at trying to be a mutual partner and starts being an idiot again, then send him packing.

Take your life back and don't be a victim to this spineless man's verbal and emotional abuse. But be smart about it and plan your exit. This man sounds like he could be vindictive and threaten you if you try to divorce him. Before you tell him to ####### off back to his own country, make sure you have a place to stay - heck - does he even work?! Do you pay all the bills? Do you share bank accounts? The last thing you want is to be stranded and have this evil man render you homeless and penniless. If you're paying the bills, give him all his stuff in a box then change the locks on him. If you don't trust him, or you think he may threaten you physically, then move out and don't tell him where you live.

If he is on a conditional 2 year green card, then officially tell USCIS that you no longer support this marriage, officially withdraw your Affidiavit of Support, and give the immigration authorities ALL his information so that they can make sure he's shipped off back to his own country.

Whatever you do, make sure YOU'RE the one taking action. It will help you win back your self confidence and you won't feel like the victim being thrown out onto the street. Send this abusive bully packing - back to his own country, where he can "live with women who will submit to him". Take your life back girl and don't ever let a man make you feel worthless!! Real men don't do that to the women they love and respect

Thank you for putting it so well... :: applauds ::.

Magpie.

[Waldo 0]

Another wonderful post about a SO that changed face. Sorry I have to shake my head at this one even though I haven't read the entire thing I can only imagine what your husband would say about you that your not telling. He didn't change and if you didn't know him you shouldn't have married him.

[dane 0]

guys, lets keep in mind before you jump down the husbands throat, that this is basically a disgruntled woman coming online to feel empowered.

if a husband came on here and started bitching like this, i would say the same thing.

its fantastic that you would think about divorce after 1.5 years...

this is what i detest about modern american morals. when you get married, you are making a promise to each other that you are going to stay with each other no matter what. (not just if your sposes teeth are splashed with listerine, or if he likes your dog, or if the sex is great)

i love the corn balls that, come online and are the first ones to scream DUMP HIM!! FORCED SEXZ IS TEH BAD!!11!one!!1

ABUSING AMINALZ IS 4 CEREAL KILLAZ!!!

i read this womans essay on how horrible her husband is, and you know what?!

if your idea of clean is wiped down, sanitary enough so that there are no insects or rats etc...you have problems, if you have "clean" dishes with almost no food on them laying all over the kitchen and cloths thrown about the house and ###### laying all over but its "clean" guess what?! ITS NOT CLEAN! and YOUR A PIG!

if i walk into my kitchen and there is ###### strewn about helter skelter, and a sink full of dishes, and the dogs pulling stuff out of the trash can. im going to call my wife and demand some god damned answers, and whoop that dogs ####, i dont care if the dog is an heirloom from her dear departed aunt tilly.

and u know what else? im not holding any double standards here. if my wife walks into my garage, and sees engine parts strewn about, a disabled car, tranny fluid all over the floor, calls me in there and tells me that shits not going to fly like this in her house. im going to be a grouchy little indian and clean up my mess. if the yard is a mess with leaves or the snow is not shoveled, i know my wife and shes going to stab me.

as far as sex:

im a guy, and my view is as follows: it is your mutual responsibilities to keep each other satisfied.

if you want him to brush his teeth before you go to bed, then yes he should brush his teeth before he goes to bed, and do essentially what it takes to keep you happy.

but if he was sex 2 times a night 7 days a week... then pony up...hes gotta do it for you too.

forced sex? i doubt hes raping you, as in punching you out, and literally forcing him self onto you, i can however believe he insists on sex...which is not uncommon, its something married folks do...bang him.

as far as your dog:

its a dog, if its causing trouble in your marriage...get rid of it.

and people need to keep in mind that she has some awful habits of her own that shes not even mentioning here...how do you know what shes like? dont support her divorcing her husband! stuff like this is the the characterization of the decay of moral standards in this country. you should have know about his machismo before you married him. you made your bed..now lay in it.

OBVIOUSLY IF HES BEATING YOU UP, AND RAPING YOUR DOG, AND KILLING BABIES...devoice him

[unforgettable fire 2]

Good Lord! I can't stop laughing with some of the responses. Here's my two cents:

Send his #### back to wherever he comes from with a copy of The Stepford Wives and a toothbrush. In the meantime get yourself sorted out and take care of yourself. You don't have to put up with all this, relationships are all about taking and giving but in my humble opinion I think you've given far more than taken.

Good luck girl! My best wishes go to you!

Edited February 26, 2009 by unforgettable fire

[stuck_in_manila 0]

i think we've been conned. again.

do you know any american who talks this way, "submit to my husband".... "hurts me below" and other similar phrases? i feel like i'm reading a historical romance book, as the heroine explains the travails she went thru while married to an abusive husband.

if there's anything i've learned in my stay here in the US is that americans are so brutally frank and have no qualms calling a spade a spade.... or in this case, a rape a rape.

perhaps i'm just a cynic or perhaps i just can't imagine anyone allowing another person to treat them the way the OP was supposedly treated. besides, the police is just a phone call away. aside from that, the OP is the citizen, not the other way around.

but then again, i'm just from the village and therefore, i know nothing.

[braveheart1 0]

Sorry to hear about your troubles....This sounds like a very unhealthy situation indeed. The trouble is...many VJers really marry too soon or don't spend enough time REALLY getting to know the other person. Talking on the phone, texting and sending letters is all very well but when you've only met your 'loved' once or twice in person, even half a dozen times, doesn't always make a good foundation for a marriage. My opinion only.

Anyway, try and seek some counselling if your spouse is willing. Whatever you do, don't become depressed as that will make matters worse.

God bless You both.

ps: Make two dental appointments - tell him you need a check up so... he might as well have one too. May be he'll go long with that. But if he hasn't seen the dentist is years, prepare yourself for a hefty bill.

[Waldo 0]

Maybe you would feel more comfortable posting on this board Jerry Springer

[dane 0]

Good Lord! I can't stop laughing with some of the responses. Here's my two cents:

Send his #### back to wherever he comes from with a copy of The Stepford Wives and a toothbrush. In the meantime get yourself sorted out and take care of yourself. You don't have to put up with all this, relationships are all about taking and giving but in my humble opinion I think you've given far more than taken.

Good luck girl! My best wishes go to you!

dont forget to give him his 1 year and 7 months back that he wasted trying to build a life, and relationship with you, and make sure you you give him back all his aspirations and expectations that you had promised him before you married him and filed for him, and removed him from his home and family.

just tuck all that into that copy of the stepford wives.

STOP GIVING HER BAD ADVICE! WHAT SHE AND HER HUSBAND NEED TO DO IS TO BE MORE CARING ABOUT EACH OTHER, NOT TO WAKE UP EVERYDAY THINKING HOW AM I GOING TO BE HAPPY...INSTEAD ASKING HOW CAN I MAKE MY GIRL/MAN HAPPY.

every woman and every man has friends like these that tell them "leave the bum/bich" , they hand out advice that they themselves would never follow.

MARRIAGE IS A LIFE LONG COMMITMENT...THERE ARE NO DO-OVERS, unless there is a threat on your life.

god forbid if they have children.

what would this woman do if something happened to her husband and he was disabled...incapable of caring for himself...shed leave him...along with advice to do so from all you great people

Edited February 26, 2009 by dane

[childress_london 3]

guys, lets keep in mind before you jump down the husbands throat, that this is basically a disgruntled woman coming online to feel empowered.

if a husband came on here and started bitching like this, i would say the same thing.

its fantastic that you would think about divorce after 1.5 years...

this is what i detest about modern american morals. when you get married, you are making a promise to each other that you are going to stay with each other no matter what. (not just if your sposes teeth are splashed with listerine, or if he likes your dog, or if the sex is great)

i love the corn balls that, come online and are the first ones to scream DUMP HIM!! FORCED SEXZ IS TEH BAD!!11!one!!1

ABUSING AMINALZ IS 4 CEREAL KILLAZ!!!

i read this womans essay on how horrible her husband is, and you know what?!

if your idea of clean is wiped down, sanitary enough so that there are no insects or rats etc...you have problems, if you have "clean" dishes with almost no food on them laying all over the kitchen and cloths thrown about the house and ###### laying all over but its "clean" guess what?! ITS NOT CLEAN! and YOUR A PIG!

if i walk into my kitchen and there is ###### strewn about helter skelter, and a sink full of dishes, and the dogs pulling stuff out of the trash can. im going to call my wife and demand some god damned answers, and whoop that dogs ####, i dont care if the dog is an heirloom from her dear departed aunt tilly.

and u know what else? im not holding any double standards here. if my wife walks into my garage, and sees engine parts strewn about, a disabled car, tranny fluid all over the floor, calls me in there and tells me that shits not going to fly like this in her house. im going to be a grouchy little indian and clean up my mess. if the yard is a mess with leaves or the snow is not shoveled, i know my wife and shes going to stab me.

as far as sex:

im a guy, and my view is as follows: it is your mutual responsibilities to keep each other satisfied.

if you want him to brush his teeth before you go to bed, then yes he should brush his teeth before he goes to bed, and do essentially what it takes to keep you happy.

but if he was sex 2 times a night 7 days a week... then pony up...hes gotta do it for you too.

forced sex? i doubt hes raping you, as in punching you out, and literally forcing him self onto you, i can however believe he insists on sex...which is not uncommon, its something married folks do...bang him.

as far as your dog:

its a dog, if its causing trouble in your marriage...get rid of it.

and people need to keep in mind that she has some awful habits of her own that shes not even mentioning here...how do you know what shes like? dont support her divorcing her husband! stuff like this is the the characterization of the decay of moral standards in this country. you should have know about his machismo before you married him. you made your bed..now lay in it.

OBVIOUSLY IF HES BEATING YOU UP, AND RAPING YOUR DOG, AND KILLING BABIES...devoice him

Yep, she should abandon the marriage after only 1.5 years. Better 1.5 years of abuse than 7 years as I experienced. At least she is realizing it early on and not after she's wasted too much time and lost her self esteem and maybe her mind. It took me years to get my head straight after the abuse I suffered - and it was all emotional/mental abuse (and my head may still be a little crooked! lol). The wrong attitude is to encourage somebody to stay in a marriage that is abusive.