Reclaiming Individuality

[*Robert* 2]

Actually, I think I strayed a little off topic of what Lisa was asking, and will say once again... the short answer is YES, that we should maintain a certain amount of individuality, as that is what drew all of us together in the first place!!! Our relationships are even more unique than most in the fact that not only are we opposite sexes, we are also from different cultures, customs, and traditions. Though we may "adopt" certain traits and customs of our spouses/future spouses, we are still "individuals", and we must not only appreciate those differences, we must respect them and embrace them!

Johnny, tell him what he's won!

Lisa!!! *BIG HUG* Thank you my friend!

[tracyandoksana 0]

Actually, I think I strayed a little off topic of what Lisa was asking, and will say once again... the short answer is YES, that we should maintain a certain amount of individuality, as that is what drew all of us together in the first place!!! Our relationships are even more unique than most in the fact that not only are we opposite sexes, we are also from different cultures, customs, and traditions. Though we may "adopt" certain traits and customs of our spouses/future spouses, we are still "individuals", and we must not only appreciate those differences, we must respect them and embrace them!

Johnny, tell him what he's won!

The individuality is much easier to mantain when You are not together. As for Myself My Wife and daughter there was several months where it was like we were joined at the hip. Alot of it has to do with the time we spent apart also the fact that they came from a former USSR country and almost every day brought a new experience or help was needed by Me. My wife still can't believe all those women calling the house asking for me are just telemarketers. They were soley dependant on me in this new and strange culture. Now that my wife can drive and has much more experience with the American culture things are easing up and she is able to do alot more things on her own. But I am nnever more than a cell phone call away. My stress reliever is Jumping out of airplanes. Her new found Love is shopping. LOL

[terri o'neale 0]

For me personally...I prefer WE. I spent 39 years alone...even during a 13 year marriage. My hubby is the one person I can imagine spending the rest of my life on a deserted island with. So WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

[*Robert* 2]

Of course it is "WE", otherwise "we" wouldn't be getting married! But it is still "she" and "I", that make up "we"!

Basic math.... "I" + "Her/Him" = "WE"!!!

Basic physics... two parts make a whole

Love.. FOREVER!!!

[Fandango 1,439]

Of course it is "WE", otherwise "we" wouldn't be getting married! But it is still "she" and "I", that make up "we"!

Basic math.... "I" + "Her/Him" = "WE"!!!

Basic physics... two parts make a whole

Love.. FOREVER!!!

Couldn't have said it better, Robert! Just cos someone doesn't wanna lose herself doesn't mean she doesn't love her man any less!

Common misconception i think

[MichelleandCraig 1]

TERRIFIC topic and I could NOT agree more, Lisa. I have been guilty of the same. ...in fact, I think some of it was provoked out of guilt. Guilt that Craig is here and hasn't make friends yet, per say, that he's out of his element and I'm not,etc etc and on and on...it's a different situation from you, but I TOTALLY get it. I have lost touch with my 3 best friends for much of the time Craig has been here..oh, still talk to them on ocassion,but not every day like we used to. Used to go to a movie or out to eat with them, drop by their houses, chat online or ring them up, or they would ring me. Since our wedding, and NO FAULT at ALL of Craig's, that just hasn't happened. I feel like my life revolves entirely around this relationship. The simple fact is, everyone needs personal space no matter HOW deeply in love they are..and we are..but if you don't have that, the relationship is going to suffer and sooner or later someone or both is going to start to feel smothered OR resentful...maybe not everyone..but for us it would be that way I think. Craig needs his space sometimes, and i do too. In fact, since he's been off to England I've already reconnected with my friends a lot and I realize my not doing that before has been my own fault..and I'm definitely going to keep that up when he gets back. When he feels like it, he can come with me/us and get to know some of the hubbys better! You're also spot on when you say that he fell in love with that person you were Lisa...and when we start revolving our whole worlds around them..I can imagine we(read...me) could start to get a bit boring after a while!! I think if anyone is together constantly and has no outside interests, in the long run at least, the relationship will suffer for it. We like to spend time with interesting people, face it, so we should be interesting too!! :) Great post girl. M.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

I dont think I've 'lost anything' Im not trading off anything to become a WE instead of an I - maybe thats cos I did all my clubbing n that years ago Can't really be a 'party gal' so much when you have a small child to look after.

As long as I have my PC, and the stuff I do on that (graphics and clubs n things), then I can have some 'me' time. He has his own things he does as well at times.

And, we aren't the SAME person, we are 'complimentary' people

[ChristinaM 0]

I agree - the immigrstion process is very dehumanising at times also, and I know that I had something of an identity crisis. It took nearly a year for me to start saying "y'know what, I gotta do things that I want to do sometimes too" and start actually doing them!

[KarenCee 3]

Joel and I are so much alike...there really isn't anything that I like that he doesn't and vice versa. However, I am sure we will encourage each other to do things for ourselves...like me taking time for my art (drawings) and his flight sim. Glad you brought this up Lisa...tis good food for thought, eh

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Of course it is "WE", otherwise "we" wouldn't be getting married! But it is still "she" and "I", that make up "we"!

Basic math.... "I" + "Her/Him" = "WE"!!!

Basic physics... two parts make a whole

Love.. FOREVER!!!

Couldn't have said it better, Robert! Just cos someone doesn't wanna lose herself doesn't mean she doesn't love her man any less!

Common misconception i think

oh i love love love this thread...

i'm learning from you guys! keep on posting!

[crazyinEgypt 0]

I totally understand what you mean, I was the gal going out and always having fun with the girls. Since I've been with my man though, I could not even bring myself to go out clubbing or do all those girl things that I used to do. Mainly because I know that when I went out, men wold hit on me and I know I myself would freak out if the table were turned even though we both trust each other 150%. I just want to be with him talk to him, etc all the time. I honestly thought that once I moved here to Egypt till he receives his visa, my feelings would change about this, but they have not. Maybe once we are back in the states and I know he will be home I may do a few of the girls nights again.

[KarenCee 3]

I really don't have any girls that I go out and do anything with...just the ones I work with and well, its more of a work friendship than anything else, know what I mean? I'm a homebody though, yet I've been to nightclubs before (eh, its ok, but not me) and after working two jobs during the week, I'm ready to be at home I'm not a shopper...which I've been told is NOT normal for a female but that's just me. Eh, we'll see...I'm sure Joel and I will make time for individual things and interests.

[chri'stina 190]

I understand what you are saying Lisa. Of course I love being a "we" with Sujeet, and when he was not here yet I was even more consumed by it all for the sake of just missing him so much, understandably. But even then I did hang out with my friends during the week, and would talk to Sujeet online/on the phone when I got home (because of the time difference it worked out that way). Sujeet and I have the same friends here in the US so we go out with them often too, so I haven't lost my friends due to our marriage and he gained friends which he likes a lot. But we have a lot of differences too(not bad differences), yet we are so well matched with each other. I love playing music loudly and playing guitar...he loves logic and computer programming! I like rock music, he likes softer music. I love keeping up with certain fashions and the latest make up brands(inexpensively of course! but ohh I love SEPHORA) and he doesn't care about fashion and thinks make up is stupid. He is very anti-materialistic and I am somewhat too, but not as much as he is. At the same time he loves me and I love him...because we have other things that are very similar, things we hold very important.

When he gets home from work I do like being around him because he works long hours( salary job, ya know what I mean!). He's gone usually from 7am-7pm during the week so we take advantage of our time together when he's home. Then sometimes he has to do more work on the computer and so I'll play guitar or watch a movie. We are very much a "we", but also we are 2 individuals. I don't feel like I've lost anything I guess, which is nice. During the week since I don't currently work, I spend a lot of time with my mother and sister and others while Sujeet is at work. We do stuff at our church, we go out to lunch, or we go to a new store or something. Also on Wednesday nights, I teach a bible study class every other week. Sujeet comes but me and a friend take turns every other Wed. So I prepare on my own for that.

[almaty 19]

Of course it is "WE", otherwise "we" wouldn't be getting married! But it is still "she" and "I", that make up "we"!

Basic math.... "I" + "Her/Him" = "WE"!!!

Basic physics... two parts make a whole

Love.. FOREVER!!!

Couldn't have said it better, Robert! Just cos someone doesn't wanna lose herself doesn't mean she doesn't love her man any less!

Common misconception i think

i agree...that often leads to problems down the road..

[nayalamb 0]

i think that jig and i don't have that problem anymore because we've been together so long, that we've already worked those things out. when we first lived together after college, i would feel lonely when he'd go out because i didn't have any close friends nearby. and he'd feel guilty doing anything without me. after a while, he'd just stay home then i'd feel guilty.

it took a while to find a healthy balance. i found activities to keep myself busy, and i had to learn that he needs his space just like everyone else. so now, we look for things to do together, but we also have days when we follow our own interests. things run much smoother that way for us.

everyone has to find their own balance.