Help please - personal matter about the fiance visa

[caybee 21]

I should say that I could have seen myself falling into this sort of situation many years ago. For some people (including me) it's easy to see ourselves as rescuers and believe that we are the only thing keeping another person from crashing and burning. Some people call that codependency -- I'm not fond of that word, but I certainly have those tendencies, and they can make it very difficult for a person to withdraw from a damaging relationship. I'm not saying you're codependent. But if your sole reason for letting Jeff stay around is because you believe he would crash without your help and that of your family, just know that's not the case. He's an adult, and there are plenty of resources out there to help him. Save your relationship with Eric, and let someone else save Jeff, preferably Jeff himself.

Edited April 19, 2008 by mona_jamie

[Amby 490]

is jeff's mooching friendship more important than eric's love? doesn't sound like a tough tough decision to me

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Thanks to everybody on their opinion. I need to say a few more things here. I got Jeff out of my place. He was sleeping in a trailer near our house btw and just hanged around us - we had meals together and such. Now it all comes down just to him coming to dinners twice a week and he hangs a lot around my mom when I am not around. He talks a lot to her and she is helping him to get back on his feet. He needs that. My fiance thinks that Jeff didn`t really change his plans but that he is still after me. But I am not talking about personal stuff with Jeff anymore and we are not as good friends anymore. However Eric is still uncomfortable with it and he would prefer if Jeff would stop coming to dinners and go places with me and my parents. I just think there is no harm in that and that It is doing more good to Jeff than it is doing bad to Eric. I care for both Jeff and Eric, but I don`t feel romantic about Jeff. I just have trouble telling him to get lost. I think it has helped him to see how it is to have a family and to hopefully wish one for himself. Apart from this one. When Eric told me he feels bad about me going out alone with Jeff I stopped doing it. But now he is asking that Jeff would stop coming just twice a week to our house to dinners. And I don`t think he has the right to do that. He says that he feels bad over us bonding with another guy while he is so far away. I am willing to let Jeff go away and me never seeing him again after Eric comes. But for now I think it is doing Jeff good to go on the right path in his life. And it won`t harm Eric any because it is him who I am interested in.

Eric says though that when he would be there that it wouldn`t be such a problem because he would be with me and spend the time with me, but that it is a problem to him while being so far away, while Jeff is close.

The trouble is that my parents are also very nice and they have trouble telling Jeff to go away too.

You are one mixed up lady.

How wrong you are.

It IS doing harm. You have said more than once that he is in love with you. What are you going to do, just dump him to the side once Eric moves here?

How convenient for you.

I would be honest with Jeff and say "You know what, I know you have feelings for me and this isn't fair to the man I'm going to marry. There can never be anything between us and I need to move on with my life"

Too much drama if you ask me. You aren't being fair to the man you love (who has every single right to feel the way he does) and you aren't being fair to Jeff, who sounds like a complete loser that is co-dependent on a woman who may or may not have feelings for him. He's being strung along and you are the one doing it.

Also, you aren't being fair to yourself. How is this healthy? You must feel stretched to the limit.

Make your choice. Your future husband or Jeff. If this was just a friendship you wouldn't have to choose but since what you and Jeff have isn't a friendship, this is a love triangle, something needs to give before you lose Eric for good.

Look inside your heart and you'll see what you should do.

Edited April 19, 2008 by ~Laura and Nick~

[Susan16 0]

I have told Jeff that I am not interested in him and that he will have to stop coming to dinners once Eric will be about to come. It seems that Jeff has accepted it. Now he is saying that he just likes my family so he wants to hang around. He became a good friends with my mom so my friendship has transfered mostly to theirs. I am not as good friend with Jeff as I was.

You are one mixed up lady.

How wrong you are.

It IS doing harm. You have said more than once that he is in love with you. What are you going to do, just dump him to the side once Eric moves here?

How convenient for you.

I would be honest with Jeff and say "You know what, I know you have feelings for me and this isn't fair to the man I'm going to marry. There can never be anything between us and I need to move on with my life"

Too much drama if you ask me. You aren't being fair to the man you love (who has every single right to feel the way he does) and you aren't being fair to Jeff, who sounds like a complete loser that is co-dependent on a woman who may or may not have feelings for him. He's being strung along and you are the one doing it.

Also, you aren't being fair to yourself. How is this healthy? You must feel stretched to the limit.

Make your choice. Your future husband or Jeff. If this was just a friendship you wouldn't have to choose but since what you and Jeff have isn't a friendship, this is a love triangle, something needs to give before you lose Eric for good.

Look inside your heart and you'll see what you should do.

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[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

I have told Jeff that I am not interested in him and that he will have to stop coming to dinners once Eric will be about to come. It seems that Jeff has accepted it. Now he is saying that he just likes my family so he wants to hang around. He became a good friends with my mom so my friendship has transfered mostly to theirs. I am not as good friend with Jeff as I was.

Well Susan, I hope that you can find happiness and I hope that it all works out.

Best of luck always

[KandD 1]

[chnst 6]

wow.... please keep us updated on the situation once your fiance has moved in with you, your parents and JEFF "hanging out" at your place.

seriously, I don't think you're ready to get married, I truly feel bad for your fiance, you're playing with his feelings!

He deserves better.

[Susan16 0]

Thank you very much. I will think well about all that all of you guys said.

I have told Jeff that I am not interested in him and that he will have to stop coming to dinners once Eric will be about to come. It seems that Jeff has accepted it. Now he is saying that he just likes my family so he wants to hang around. He became a good friends with my mom so my friendship has transfered mostly to theirs. I am not as good friend with Jeff as I was.

Well Susan, I hope that you can find happiness and I hope that it all works out.

Best of luck always

[MelindaandTarek 0]

Susan,

I have read the responses and you have been given a lot of good feedback. I will keep my response short and to the point. By you maintaining contact with a man that you are aware is in love with you, to me is not appropriate. YOU NEED to set some boundaries now, not when your fiance comes. Your fiance has ever right to be jeolous and ? your trust as you have not been honest with him. If you really love your fiance, I would say you need to set some serious boundaries w/any contact w/Jeff...or your relationship w/your fiance is in BIG BIG jeopardy......

sounds like you need to have time w/Jeff to fill the void...as you are clear to state that he can't come around when your fiance comes...if you are truly in love and ready for marriage...there would be no other man that could fill that void..save for your fiance.......just some food for thought....good luck Melinda

[Ursa Tripudio 2]

I have told Jeff that I am not interested in him and that he will have to stop coming to dinners once Eric will be about to come.

Can't you see the double standard????????

Its Jeff when Eric's not here. It should make no difference is Eric is here or not!!! I think what really needs to happen is Eric needs to forget about you. You're making his life hell.

There have been some questions about your age. Are you actually 16? Your thought processes seem not to have matured past that point.

[Ban Hammer 12,836]

the fiance is quite a patient guy. were i was in his shoes i'd have punted the op to the curb a long time ago.

[MelindaandTarek 0]

the fiance is quite a patient guy. were i was in his shoes i'd have punted the op to the curb a long time ago.

[raphael7546 0]

I think if you can't be honest and tell your fianc`e about what your doing with Jeff then obviously there's more to this story then what your saying.

I've had tons of male friends when I was back home I would hang out with them but my husband knew all about it. I also told him where I was going and with who. In fact, on many occasions he talked to my male friends on the phone when he called. I never kept anything from him , there was nothing going on so there was no need to keep it from him.

Obviously this Jeff guy has feelings for you, otherwise he wouldn't be upset you have a fianc`e . In fact, he would be happy for you, as my male friends were with my engagement.

I would distance myself from Jeff. Re-asure Eric of your love and if Jeff comes around your home I would make an excuse to leave. Go for a walk, go to a park go to the store whatever it takes to keep away from him.

[Mina76 0]

Thank you very much. I will think well about all that all of you guys said.

I have told Jeff that I am not interested in him and that he will have to stop coming to dinners once Eric will be about to come. It seems that Jeff has accepted it. Now he is saying that he just likes my family so he wants to hang around. He became a good friends with my mom so my friendship has transfered mostly to theirs. I am not as good friend with Jeff as I was.

Well Susan, I hope that you can find happiness and I hope that it all works out.

Best of luck always

You will think well about all that all of you guys said!

What the hell is there to think well about??? just get rid of this loser!

I have told Jeff that I am not interested in him and that he will have to stop coming to dinners once Eric will be about to come.

Can't you see the double standard????????

Its Jeff when Eric's not here. It should make no difference is Eric is here or not!!! I think what really needs to happen is Eric needs to forget about you. You're making his life hell.

There have been some questions about your age. Are you actually 16? Your thought processes seem not to have matured past that point.

Exactly!

[LoriLawless 0]

Seems you've already decided what to do. I would suggest that you seek some counseling on the matter.

It may help you understand why you feel the way you do, and why you think that what Eric doesn't know, won't hurt him.

Ultimately, I fear, you will push eric over the edge, and you'll lose him.

Are you willing to lose him?

I don't think you even know why you feel the way you do (and with all due respect, bashing her isn't helping, but putting her on the defensive)

You need to explore this further than on a forum, cause there's a deep lying issue here (in my opinion)

Good luck!