Help please - personal matter about the fiance visa

[Susan16 0]

Hi everybody,

My name is Susan. There are a lots of experienced people here so I thought I would write a letter here and hear your opinion on things as far as my matter goes. I would be thankful for any comment. I am in the process of my boyfriend getting the fiance visa. My fiance is feeling bad over something and I don`t change anything about it so the tension keeps happening.

I have a male friend who has been a friend of mine for a long time. We have seen each other once in a month or two.I will call him Jeff here . I had problems with my boyfriend (Eric) the last time he was here so after he left to his country, I felt the need to talk a lot and share my problems so I became close with Jeff because he would listen. I was not interested in Jeff romantically but he was interested in me. He asked me to go out with him once or twice a week and we went to dinners. It was fun to get my thoughts off the problems I had with my boyfriend Eric.

I didn`t say anything to Eric about going places with my friend Jeff because I didn`t want Eric to find out because I thought he would think something more was going on maybe. Anyway, after some time Eric has found out about it and he felt bad.

My friend Jeff happened to be sort of a bum. I have known him for 14 years, but lately since we became closer I felt sorry for him. He became homeless and I invited him to come live at my place with me and my parents. We didn`t say anything about how long he could stay. Since he was in love with me he has imagined that I invited him to stay.I didn`t but it was hard for me to tell him to get lost. During that time my boyfriend Eric was on the other side of the ocean waiting for his fiance visa. Of course I didn`t tell him anything about my male friend Jeff moving in with my family because it wouldn`t look good, but again after a few weeks Eric has found out about it and felt bad over it. He asked me if I could possibly get my friend Jeff out of my place because he felt bad about it. However Jeff really wanted to stay and I had trouble telling him to get lost. I didn`t want to hurt him. However my boyfriend Eric was hurting at the same time being on the other side of the ocean. He kept telling me how although he trusts me, he feels bad that another guy gets to spend so much time with me and my family bonding while two of us have problems and are separated at this moment.

At the same time Jeff was jelaous of Eric since he was in love with me and he was playing guilt trips on me. He was fun on times though so I continued to go out with him and went shopping for his clothes with him, etc.

Eric knew about some of these things and he kept complaining how he feels bad about it. I got tired I have to admit of the constant complain. But I just didn`t know what to do. After 4 months - I gave my friend Jeff some money to rent him an apartment near my place so he moved out. But he keeps coming to dinners two times a week at my place to have dinner as a family with my parents and sometimes he goes with us to places - like Zoo or teh dinner out. I kept that secret from Eric because I don`t want him to feel bad. But he found out about it and it makes him upset and he feels abd and he cries , etc... He says although he trusts there is nothing romantic going on between me and Jeff that he feels bad over him getting the chance to bond with us and spend more time with me that Eric can - he lives in another country. On teh other side as I said - Jeff is in love with me and he says he loves my family too and he would feel bad if I would tell him taht we can`t have dinners together as a family or go places. When we go someplace fun or have dinners it is me and Jeff and my mom and dad.

Eric is taking all that hard and he would prefer if Jeff wouldn`t be so much in my life. He has hard times he says dealing with the situation, but I just don`t feel I would give in and tell Jeff he can`t come to my house anymore.

However when Eric would come on the fiance visa - Jeff would have to go - and I am not sure how that will look like. Because although for 14 years I have been friends with Jeff, since I told him he can come to live at my place with me and my parents he says he got in love with me and he cries that Eric when he comes is going to take all that away from him.

Anyway - I need you good people` help. Am I a little too hard on Eric , or do you think he should trust me and not complain about the situation. He says he trusts me but that he is afraid what can come out of the situation if it continues.

And I feel he doesn`t trust me. During the past year I have broke up with him several times. But we are back "together" now. Although I haven`t seen him for over year and a half. He should be coming on fiance visa soon . there is little time to talk and he is asking if we could talk at the time that is reserved for Jeff coming to our place to dinners. I feel like I was checked up by those calls when Jeff is there so last time Eric called I didn`t want to answer the phone and I told so to Eric.

Anyway - please comment because it is important to me. I would like to do the right thing. I think Eric is overly jelaous. I never had such a jelaous boyfriend. Or am I seeing things wrong?

Thank you all,

Susan

[Ursa Tripudio 2]

I'm different than you in two very important respects: I'm much older and I'm a man. If these differences cause you to ignore my advice, sobeit.

Anybody in Eric's shoes would be jealous. He is 100% justified.

The amount of time you've known either of these guys is irrelevant. One is your fiance, and the other would very much like to break that up. Those are the important facts.

I can make this short and simple. If you want a husband, that means putting a lot of distance between yourself and any other man who 'wants you'. If you like the playing the game too much for that kind of commitment, you're not ready for marriage.

Good luck.

[Ursa Tripudio 2]

Oops. This is not a post.

Edited April 19, 2008 by Richard and Li

[Toshtishtash 1]

Sorry, I tend to agree with Richard there.... This guy 'Eric' is in love with you. Your fiance who knows about this!! Is at home thousands of miles away. Of course he is going to be jealous! No matter how much you trust someone that would not be a cool situation to be in. You haven't made it any better for yourself by keeping things from him either. You have probably broken the trust by continuing to see him and moving him into your house on the sly!!

If you are truly sincere about your wishes to marry this guy, then Eric has to go.

Good luck.

[JeroenAndMichelle 28]

Beside the whole point, I am actually wondering if this Jeff is in it for your friendship (and ultimately love as he tells you) or just for the money... he was homeless, you took him in, paid for meals etc etc... I don't know but if I was homeless and someone would do this for me, I would fall in love as well if only just for the good care and the money problems that disappeared.

Anyways, that was not the question.. you're question goes about what to do...

Well personally, if I was Eric, I would have said that you could choos between Jeff and me.. that he did not do this yet is only lucky for you but like the others said, i strongly feel that this Jeff has to go. Eric has every right to be jealous in this case.. I would be too... you lied to him and he found out you lied to him.. even tho you say you're not interested in this Jeff, when reading the story it even made me feel you have feelings for that guy.

My advise to you is to choose between Jeff and Eric, as soon as possible. Be honest about it. If you really want to marry Eric then you have to dump Jeff as he is only trying to break you and Eric up and if you like Jeff better even though you say you don't have any feelings for him, then you should let Eric go but at the moment I do not feel you are very fair about the situation towards Eric.

You say you have no feelings for Jeff but at the same time you let him close by you while you know he has feelings for you and this Jeff will most likely try a lot of ways (probably trying not to let it notice too much) to have you and Eric breaking up. This is not fair towards Eric.

You really need to make a decision soon. Eric is coming to you on a fiance visa.. that means he is giving up his whole life in his home country for you. Most likely he will sell all of his stuff he has, says goodbye (maybe forever) to his friends and family. He is giving it all up just for you and if things go bad when he is actually with you on his fiance visa he most likely has no place to go back to because he thinks he will stay with you for the rest of his life... if you feel any compassion because of this, you should let this Jeff go and go fully for Eric. If you have any doubt at all, then please tell Eric as soon as possible.. that way he does not have to worry about a place to go back to when things might go wrong and it is simple the most honest thing to do if you ask me. I really hope you will think hard about this.. marriage is different than a normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, especially in a situation like this. (and to be honest, the whole thing you say about you and Eric already breaking up a few times worries me a lot for your marriage (that is, when I look to some people around me)).

The question is not if Eric is overly jealous, he has every right to be jealous in this situation if you ask me. You gave him enough reasons to doubt it all (lying aint the best thing to do in a relationship). The question is also not "Am I a 'little' too hard on him?" as you are too hard on him. The problem does not lay with Eric in my opinion.. it lays with you and Jeff and you need to fix this as soon as possible.... a relationship is hard work.

I think I'm gonna writing this post as it is coming a bit long.. sorry for the rant but a situation like this really ticks me off, I've seen things go wrong this way more than once

[Toshtishtash 1]

Sorry, I meant to say Jeff needs to go not Eric.... I had not long woken up when I typed that!

In fact I got Eric and Jeff mixed up the whole way through...

You know what I was getting at though..

Edited April 19, 2008 by toshtishtash

[✿Ice Rain✿ 0]

Susan,

Eric has every right to feel what he is feeling right now.. I hope you dont neglect that, very seldom to a guy to tell they are jealous, unless they cant really take it anymore.

I am sorry, but for me that is not acceptable for you to let your friend who you knew for a fact have "more than just a friend feelings for you" to let him stay in your house and hiding about this to your fiance.

I think , you need to analyze this.. let's reverse the situation, what if you are in Eric's shoes, will you be able to accept it?

-Shape

[sara..... 371]

hmmm if ur engaged i have to ask why are u even allowing friendship with another man for urself?.........if the roll were reversed would u put up with it........im sorry but men and women living in the same home can not just be friends maybe it is my culture and up bringing that make me say this but the fact is man is man and women is women........if ur engaged there is no place for this other guy in ur life nor should there be i hope i have not offended u but u did ask on the board so i wanted to add my opinion.......if u love ur guy and want to keep ur relationship it is up to u

to not make him have a reason to doubt u..............

[Toshtishtash 1]

hmmm if ur engaged i have to ask why are u even allowing friendship with another man for urself?.........if the roll were reversed would u put up with it........im sorry but men and women living in the same home can not just be friends maybe it is my culture and up bringing that make me say this but the fact is man is man and women is women........if ur engaged there is no place for this other guy in ur life nor should there be i hope i have not offended u but u did ask on the board so i wanted to add my opinion.......if u love ur guy and want to keep ur relationship it is up to u

to not make him have a reason to doubt u..............

Now that bit I do not agree with. Both Chris and I both have lots of friends of the opposite sex. Chris has actually lived with a female friend of his for the past year and a half. I have no problem with this. She is a VERY good friend of mine too. The difference to the OP's story is, My fiances friend IS NOT in love with him. Chris has never lied to me about seeing her or going anywhere with her. I trust both of them 100%.

Chris hasn't a problem with any of my male friends. I never lie to him about where I am and if I go to the pub with one of them, I make sure I tell him about it. He trusts me. Again though, none of my male friends are in love with me!

Male and female relationships CAN be purely platonic.

The OP's relationship with her friend Jeff is not. (Maybe from her point of view, but not from his.) This will only end up in disaster.

If Jeff truly respects you as a friend, then he should know that what he is doing is wrong and back off!

[Ban Hammer 12,829]

just put your fiance's shoes on and see what it looks like.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Susan,

No offense, but what the hell were you thinking, taking this friend in, giving him money, taking him shopping? Are you his mother??? Geez, your poor fiance. If you want to save your relationship with your fiance, I'd recommend that you go get some counseling on how to maintain healthy boundaries in all your relationships. As ccommendable as it is that you are a caring and loving friend to Jeff, it's not your responsibility to help him to the extent that you do and in doing so, you've put him between you and your fiance...he needs to get out of your house immediately. I'd make it clear to Jeff that he is your friend, that your heart belongs to Eric, and that anything he (Jeff) does to undermine that could forever ruin your friendship. If he values your friendship, he'll understand and not get in the way of you and Eric. You also need to give assurance to your fiance that you will not let anyone get between you two, especially when he is an ocean's distance away. Good luck.

[Nagishkaw 510]

I'm different than you in two very important respects: I'm much older and I'm a man. If these differences cause you to ignore my advice, sobeit.

Anybody in Eric's shoes would be jealous. He is 100% justified.

The amount of time you've known either of these guys is irrelevant. One is your fiance, and the other would very much like to break that up. Those are the important facts.

I can make this short and simple. If you want a husband, that means putting a lot of distance between yourself and any other man who 'wants you'. If you like the playing the game too much for that kind of commitment, you're not ready for marriage.

Good luck.

[KandD 1]

I agree with Charles, Think about how you would feel if Eric had another woman living with him. How hard would it be for you to believe that "We are just friends?"

[Kamaboko 0]

You're the one who's able to help yourself. Tell him straight that his presence should not be there between you and your fiance. I would definitely tell him to back off!

[mRx 16]

To me it seems like this is what Eric knew:

- You were spending time with another guy, but never told him. He found out after the fact.

- You had this guy living in your house with you, but again, you never told him. He found out after the fact.

I think Eric is completely warranted in his feelings.