Wife has decided to leave

[nohairleft 1]

Hi

 

Over the past few months my marriage has become strained somewhat and now she is no longer living with me and her intention is to go back to the Philippines. Here is a bit of background info:

 

I have been married to my wife for 3 years and been together nearly 5 years. We met in over in the Philippines and everything seemed great, before the marriage I was sending over money to top up her wages as she was a nurse, so that she could get a little extra for the family etc.

 

Before the marriage it seems that she may of been hiding some of her true colours as tampo is more prevalent and she was stating that she wanted to build a house for her family before making any attempts to start anything like that in my home country. After having a chat it looked like we would have joint goals in the marriage - seems I would be disappointed.

 

As she was a nurse in her own country I suggested and helped her go on an English course so that she could get a nursing job easily and continue in the job she enjoys. She decided just to do the bare minimum for visa entry and not gain the level for nursing in my home country.

 

Once my wife was living with me I experienced various episodes of tampo and rage that she wanted to go home, mainly due to the fact she resented my son from a previously relationship and called him all sorts of names. If anything bad in the slightest was said about her family then it was more like WW3. I managed to persuade her to stay each time.

 

Once my wife had a job (not as a nurse but a health care assistant) we agreed on a set amount to be sent each month probably in the region of 3x that of her wage in the Philippines  (I would pay most bills in our house). We also agreed that if a house was to be built that she needs to aim for a nursing job or a higher paying salary, so she would need to complete her English course. 

 

What has happened recently is that she will go to work, come back and sit on Facebook with her friends (and obviously she demanded she has the latest iPhone 7). I think she has read one chapter of her English course book. She has a relative with an older guy here that pays for everything so that she can send all her wages back - my wife has recently been telling me to share my wages and that her money is her money she has worked hard for it. Again she tried to leave telling me she can find a guy in his 40's / 50's that will treat her right - I'm mid 30's and she is in her 20's.

 

I have tried to give her opportunities within my home country and travel around the world, but she wants me to get a house, provide solely for the child that we may have in the future whilst she will send half her wages back (to build a house and also pay all the bills there) and then spend the remaining on herself.

 

She has now left our residence after not talking for a week - we were discussing future goals and didnt like me saying about reducing money sent back to her family if we have a child, telling me to ***** off, that i'm selfish etc. I have told her that if she leaves then I will need to tell the authorities as the visa is invalid - seems she is OK with going back to the Philippines - even though a house build has already started and she wont have the funds to complete.

 

I do love her but my patience has worn thin over the last 2 years while she has been in my home country. Feels like i'm the big bad person and I guess she will convey that to all her friends and family. I have said a marriage is a partnership with the same goals going forward - she has admitted her sole purpose is to work for her family and that's about it.

 

If anyone has had similar experiences then I would be grateful for any advice / steps forward (if any).

 

Thanks

 

edited for bad language 

Ontarkie

Moderator

 

Edited January 3, 2017 by Ontarkie

[Ben&Zian 4,397]

It is fairly common for the want to send money home to help with family needs; but as you stated you have tried to discuss this and set a certain amount. That sounds fairly reasonable, without going into specifics on how much that is of course; but sounds reasonable.

 

The 'tampo' sounds fairly consistent with some of the stories I have read; but then her saying she can go find an older man to take care of her, that's a problem.. sounds like she would rather do that than work things out with you. Her way or nothing....

 

If things are so strained as you are saying, perhaps it is better to separate while you still can.. if you absolutely can not resolve it.

[EmilyW 1,222]

If anyone abused / was nasty to my kid, I'd be changing the locks and never looking back.

[nohairleft 1]

Thanks for the responses - I'm a bit too soft but the other night when I asked her to leave or talk to me she opted for the former I was like - keys and phone please. The sense of entitlement is strong in my wife for some reason.

 

Yes she has a poor family that's why I laid out money sending before we even married. Told her in the western world bills usually match the wages we get, seems to have been lost on her and also she does not want to upset her family.

 

My son has seen her go tampo / psycho a few times, he even stuck up for me (hes eleven) Sad to say he is more mature than my wife.

[MarkPerry 488]

I have had seen everything from girls from Philippines, the Good, the Bad, the ugly.    Sounds like she is her to use as her personal western union, and that money is more important to her.

 

You are a young guy,  If you are not happy which it sounds that way, there is nothing wrong with divorcing.  Life is too short to be unhappy.

[nohairleft 1]

Yep it looks like money is her only interest and having a higher status being with a fairly successful guy. Tried my best but I have fundamentals in life which I cannot ignore but at the same time trying to help my wife achieve her goals. 

 

I actually like the Philippine nature and thought this could be my soul mate - looks like I was wrong on that one.

[Georgia16 2,858]

What do you mean with this?

 

 I have told her that if she leaves then I will need to tell the authorities as the visa is invalid

 

 

 

What visa did she enter on? Does she have GC?

 

You keep saying "my home country" I'm assuming that is the US? You have a UK flag but she is from the PI.

[nohairleft 1]

Sorry it is UK - its a spouse dependant visa.

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

I have to agree with you on this. She is there for her family and not for you. I understand how she wants to send her family money, my wife does that as well. But my wife and I sat down to talk about this early on in the marriage. We agreed on a certain amount every month, and nothing beyond that. She was at first not to happy about it but she came around to my way of thinking and now she fine with it. 

 

I would not share my wages at all, they are mine and I work hard for it. So if I were you when she comes back to sit down and talk with her, lay out everything on the table. If she is not happy with it and you can't come up with an agreement, then just move on and proceed with what you were going to do. Because she does not love you like you love her. 

 

[MarkPerry 488]

22 minutes ago, cyberfx1024 said:

I would not share my wages at all, they are mine and I work hard for it.

I don't send my money back to my wives family either, I don't know any guys who do.   Now I think my wife sends $100 to $200 per month back home, but  don't keep up with it that much. 

 

What I have seen, you create a parasite by sending money to people in Philippines, they become dependent on it.   Then next thing you know, there is a medical emergency, or some money is needed for school expense. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

8 minutes ago, MarkPerry said:

I don't send my money back to my wives family either, I don't know any guys who do.   Now I think my wife sends $100 to $200 per month back home, but  don't keep up with it that much. 

 

What I have seen, you create a parasite by sending money to people in Philippines, they become dependent on it.   Then next thing you know, there is a medical emergency, or some money is needed for school expense. 

Yeah we are sending about that much right now as well. We were sending more than that until we went on vacation there, and I had to guy buy light bulbs from the market for some of the lights in order to see properly. So I had her see like "Where is our money going to that we send you to help take care of her mom"? So we scaled it back and now send about $200 a month now, maybe alittle more for some extras here and there but not much more. 

[TBoneTX 43,058]

If Mrs. T-B. had pulled any of this, before or after marriage, her shapely hindquarters would have been kicked back to Ecuador on the first available vehicle.  It sounds as though you've tried everything within reason, but she won't compromise; therefore, cut the ties, heal, and look toward someone who's interested in a true partnership.

[nohairleft 1]

32 minutes ago, cyberfx1024 said:

We agreed on a certain amount every month, and nothing beyond that. She was at first not to happy about it but she came around to my way of thinking and now she fine with it. 

My wife was the opposite she was happy when we first discussed it - agreed around $300 per month but things started creeping in - birthdays / someone is sick (which I didnt mind as it was a kid and I paid).

 

I found her a housing development which I told her should could apply for and pay less for me in bills around the house. So our discussion about children and future goals I said she would need to reduce her payments to the Philippines as I think with the house and monthly allowance it would end up being $750. Her brother actually works in a western country but has debts to pay first before he can contribute. I know the obligation of Filipinos to there family thats why we discussed it at the start but there is also obligations to your better half.

 

As I said my patience is running thin because I'm thinking they are spending the money and then just asking for more.

[nohairleft 1]

Thanks K1_Journey & TBoneTX for your responses - I feel like I right idiot but hopefully it will pass.

 

The house she is building will be the parents with a brother who doesnt work, when they pass away it will be the brothers - I'm thinking great so we are working for your family for the foreseeable future - great stuff 

[MarkPerry 488]

25 minutes ago, K1_Journey said:

I know I will be flamed for my comments by the pro immigrant sentimentalists here so spare me really i dont care what they think, i brush them off my shoulder like dust in the wind...

 

Most Filipina are not like this, you got a bad apple. Its obvious shes using you to support her while she sends half her money to Philippines and keeps the other half to herself, I have seen this happen many times to others primarily from Filipina but also from other poor Asian nations such as Thailand and Vietnam. Don't let her fool you that shes building a house for her family its a B$ excuse, shes building that house for herself, her behavior indicates she never intended to stay with you permanent. You and I know it doesn't take much cash to build a house in Philippines you can build a nice house for around $15-25k, after 3 years of her saving and using your cash to send "home" I'm sure she has more than enough cash to finish building a house. Shes B1tchy and tampo because shes building up a reason to leave to go home to her nice new house you helped her build. If she stated she can leave you for a 40-50 year old man then stopped talking to you and left, then don't be surprised if she already has an older guy on the side and that's where shes sleeping now, she'll use him too as a place to stay till she moves back to Philippines. My advise from personal experience with Filipina relationships, next time find another Filipina age 32+ they're more mature and more likely to settle down with plans for a lifetime together much less chance you will be abused financially or otherwise, but dont get me wrong there are quite a lot of young 23+ year old Filipina who will stay loyal and dedicated to lifetime together if you find one with a nice honest sweet innocent personality.

 

Try to get your wife to cooperate and mutually agree to sign the divorce papers without alimony, take this as a lesson learned and move on, dont let this bad apple discourage you from finding another Filipina who is more worthy and deserving there are thousands of "good honest Filipina" waiting in line for a chance to find a good man to spend lifetime together.

 

Btw, I send about $250 month to support my wifes 2 kids and mother in the Philippines. My wife already owns her house outright inheritance, later this year we will bring the kids to the US on K2 visa, then reduce the amount sent to around $150 month. She has 8 deadbeat siblings who dont contribute jack to support her mother, but thats going to change when we reduce the amount we send to $150mo and my wife agrees on that shes very pissed her siblings placed all financial burden on her and only her.

I think most of us would agree with your post.