Suddenly very lonely

[anajnic 87]

I am going through the same thing with my husband and feeling the same emotions you are right now.

I moved here in September 2012 and my marriage is hanging on by a thread. We have a seven month old son who I have being raising alone the majority of the time. I found out so many things about my husband since I landed such as debts etc that he didn't tell me about all my trust for him has dissolved. His family are a nightmare and spend half their time attacking each other and his mother is just poisonous. His friends wont socialize with me because of the unkind rumours his mother has spread about me. His friends children have stolen my clothes and I have had a whole bunch of unpleasant medical issues to deal with and he has been nowhere to be seen. He has failed to support me emotionally and is packing me off to see a psychiatrist. Sorry to vent but it does help. I haven't even got the luxury of workplace friends as to them, my british accent is a novelty and when the customers abuse me because of it, no one backs me. Its all rather distressing.

Are you planning to remain in the US? If so, you are very brave and I admire you.

Have to tried to reach out to some of your colleagues at work? I know you feel they don't care but I have found one colleague I work with that although we don't socialize outside of work, she understands what I am going through with the immigration and homesickness. Are there clubs or social meet ups you and your daughter could do together? I think we are both outside of the main cities, so it's certainly hard to find these things. I am in a town where I am the only immigrant!

Texas' experience is common through all that I have been reading and when you have had lots of major life changes in one go, it is hard. Hang in there, you seem to be a strong person and very brave too. I thought I would let you know that you're not the only one having to go through this. I think there is a different side to simply moving over to live in a foreign land with a new husband or wife people don't think of and its just something that happens sometimes.

you have it hard and I admire your strength. He /they are taking advantage of you.You cannot go on like this.Leave and return to your family. Surely you love the baby and yourself.My heart breaks for you, but you can still choose..Leave him especially with unpleasant disease ... runnnnnnn fasttttt!! Your health and life is at stake

[Holly2234 66]

Rachie07 i have messaged you and left you my number. I dont get on here very much any more but that way you can contact me when you like.

Im fortunate enough to have good colleagues who just accept me for being me. I went into the job being very clear that i was no different, i just talk a bit funny and ive had strong words with anybody who has tried to turn where im from into anything and it put a quick stop to things but customers often offend me or i get sick of them asking where im from. I mentioned to my manager the other day about thinking of a polite way to tell them to go away. She was genuinely shocked that people are so intrusive and rude and had no idea that it was happening.

[Senshin 6]

I feel very lonely too, but haven't been here long. Back home we don't easily make friends, but when we do, we truly have good friends we care about and can talk to about anything. Really everything.

I find people make friends easily here, but that the friendships are very superficial, compared to what I'm used to. People are very into being nice and not offend each other (a word I didn't hear or use many times in my life before coming here, now I hear it every day) and it makes true intimate friendships rare, in my opinion. Maybe I am wrong, but so far I've only met one person here that actually asked me how it feels leaving everything back home, to come live here, and how the Americans are different and what's hard about it. I almost cried, no one else has actually asked me a personal question. My closest family here (my husbands) are very helpful and nice to me, but know absolutely nothing about me, expect from what I tell my self. My husband says it's because people are afraid it seems like they are nosy. To me it feels like they don't have any interest in me.

It's very hard on me and I SO miss my Danish friends that really want to know how I am, and don't sugarcoat things.

I find that as soon I tell something personal about myself here, people seem to be uncomfortable and move on very quickly.

Is it just me feeling that way?

Edited June 12, 2013 by Senshin

[VeeNDee 44]

I feel very lonely too, but haven't been here long. Back home we don't easily make friends, but when we do, we truly have good friends we care about and can talk to about anything. Really everything.

I find people make friends easily here, but that the friendships are very superficial, compared to what I'm used to. People are very into being nice and not offend each other (a word I didn't hear or use many times in my life before coming here, now I hear it every day) and it makes true intimate friendships rare, in my opinion. Maybe I am wrong, but so far I've only met one person here that actually asked me how it feels leaving everything back home, to come live here, and how the Americans are different and what's hard about it. I almost cried, no one else has actually asked me a personal question. My closest family here (my husbands) are very helpful and nice to me, but know absolutely nothing about me, expect from what I tell my self. My husband says it's because people are afraid it seems like they are nosy. To me it feels like they don't have any interest in me.

It's very hard on me and I SO miss my Danish friends that really want to know how I am, and don't sugarcoat things.

I find that as soon I tell something personal about myself here, people seem to be uncomfortable and move on very quickly.

Is it just me feeling that way?

It is not just you...you are not alone. I am from Canada which is pretty similar and it is still different. I have had a hard time making real friends here. I've made some friends, but not the kind that you can sit down with and talk about the hard stuff in each other's lives. People tell me it takes time. But I am just sick of what seems to me to be this fake friendliness where people smile and are nice to you when you are around but once you leave it is like you no longer exist.

I was quite sick and stuck at home recently for awhile and had absolutely no local friends to ask to come over... they weren't that close type. When I mentioned being ill on the phone they would say something nice and sympathizing but not offer to do anything. So I ended up spending most time being alone or on the phone or computer talking to friends and family back in Canada. Down here it feels like I am trying to pry my way into their lives and I feel like they think I may be taking up their time. I find it most with some of my husbands' friends... well to be precise, the wives of their friends. I had thought we could hang out, but that has gone pretty poorly so far. They never show up when invited, even if their husband comes to our group gatherings.

I guess these things just take time. At least that is what people tell me. But I know with some people, time doesn't fix things. I've given a lot of time to some people in the hopes it would lead somewhere, but all it led to was friendly chats and last minute outing cancellations. Some people just aren't into those kind of real friendships or don't have time to make new ones. I am hoping I make some real friends down here. That is not to say we don't have friends but it is like you say -they are not that deep. I miss my friends back in Canada. Hopefully things improve. I have hope. It is just different.

[Marilyn. 340]

I have been here 8 years and I still don't really have any friends besides my husband. Sometimes though you need a women to chat with about stuff you can't talk about with your husband. I do have my SIL, she is great but I can't tell her everything either because she is a bit of a gossip..

Once my baby is born I want to join a Mommy and me group so I can have some interaction with other moms.

[TBoneTX 43,058]

It does take time, and it's nothing to take personally. Back in the earlier '80s, when I moved from one state to another, someone in the destination state told me, "It will take you a FULL YEAR to begin feeling at home here." That was accurate. When I became frustrated and found myself beginning to take it personally, I reminded myself of the "warning," and I didn't feel so bad.

Just smile at everybody you see, and someone will respond.

Marilyn, joining the Mommy groups is the best thing that Mrs. T-B. ever did -- and she did it without prompting. She gained a social network and a couple of close friends, and Mini-Bone has gained the same. If your situation permits, look for "incipient-mommy" groups now, because your kids-to-be will all end up being about the same age.

[IntoTheLight 5]

I know this forum is for people who have already immigrated, but I'm currently in the K1-Visa waiting process and thought I'd come check it out to see what to expect. This thread makes me feel a bit hesitant now. :\ Especially seeing other Canadians noticing the difference.

I just found out today that my managers at where I work are sad I am leaving because they were planning to promote me. Been making new friends lately, too, so I was sad that I'll be leaving this behind to start a new life, and, I guess, a bit scared of it. I was lucky enough to start forming a few friendships with my fiance's friends during visits (one is part Canadian, so we had an instant bond), but we plan to move out of state once my AOS is complete, so it'll be starting all over again...again.

VJ should really have a section here, or maybe on MeetUp.com to get fellow immigrants together. We all have stuff in common and would probably bond easier than with the natives of the country. Just the fact that we can all help each other out like this is a great head start.

[CaroSL 68]

I know this forum is for people who have already immigrated, but I'm currently in the K1-Visa waiting process and thought I'd come check it out to see what to expect. This thread makes me feel a bit hesitant now. :\ Especially seeing other Canadians noticing the difference.

I just found out today that my managers at where I work are sad I am leaving because they were planning to promote me. Been making new friends lately, too, so I was sad that I'll be leaving this behind to start a new life, and, I guess, a bit scared of it. I was lucky enough to start forming a few friendships with my fiance's friends during visits (one is part Canadian, so we had an instant bond), but we plan to move out of state once my AOS is complete, so it'll be starting all over again...again.

VJ should really have a section here, or maybe on MeetUp.com to get fellow immigrants together. We all have stuff in common and would probably bond easier than with the natives of the country. Just the fact that we can all help each other out like this is a great head start.

It is scary, and it is normal to be afraid. Of course it is a bit unsettling. Because you will have to get use to be married and live together, get used to a new place, get a new job, make new friends... and this takes time.

But this is also so exiting!! There is so much to discover, so many new things... Sometimes I feel like I am a little child again, so exited about little thing in life. And this is so great!

I agree, meeting people from VJ is pretty cool. I met 2 french girls from VJ, they are awesome, and I feel so lucky I met them!

[rjm_cmyk 75]

Having seen the Brit community in France can I just suggest that seeking the company of other expats will provide short term comfort but is no substitute for making a new life imho. Whilst it's difficult to move in California and the Bay Area without bumping into other expats and especially other Brits I don't see them as providing the framework needed to fit in with a local community and to build a new life. I know I'll always be seen as a Brit but I reaaaalllllyyyy don't want to form a Little England clique like you can see in the Dordogne or indeed in Spain.

My USC partner is actually British and she has mostly US friends with the odd Brit thrown in for good measure .

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

I feel very lonely too, but haven't been here long. Back home we don't easily make friends, but when we do, we truly have good friends we care about and can talk to about anything. Really everything.

I find people make friends easily here, but that the friendships are very superficial, compared to what I'm used to. People are very into being nice and not offend each other (a word I didn't hear or use many times in my life before coming here, now I hear it every day) and it makes true intimate friendships rare, in my opinion. Maybe I am wrong, but so far I've only met one person here that actually asked me how it feels leaving everything back home, to come live here, and how the Americans are different and what's hard about it. I almost cried, no one else has actually asked me a personal question. My closest family here (my husbands) are very helpful and nice to me, but know absolutely nothing about me, expect from what I tell my self. My husband says it's because people are afraid it seems like they are nosy. To me it feels like they don't have any interest in me.

It's very hard on me and I SO miss my Danish friends that really want to know how I am, and don't sugarcoat things.

I find that as soon I tell something personal about myself here, people seem to be uncomfortable and move on very quickly.

Is it just me feeling that way?

You live in Denver. Sorry.

I ran away from that area with a vengeance. I lived there for 2 years and I have never lived in a weirder place. The conversations I had - I can tell you... crazy. And people were so superficial, and unloyal, and just... It's not America everywhere - it's the Denver area.

Sorry to offend the people that like it there. I just want to tell the above person that I had a similar experience there, as an American.

[Holly2234 66]

I feel a lot better now than i did when i posted this thread. Nothing really different has happened. I just snapped out of it in the end like i knew i could! Good news is that my temporary job at Walmart got made permanent yesterday and that made my week! Also helped me relax a little on the finance front since i dont have a husband to support me any more.

I am in a new relationship! I entered it very cautiously after the last experience and we have mutually agreed to take things slowly but it has been the best feeling to have somebody truly care about me since i got here. He is also the total opposite of my ex...

I still have some really hard moments. There have been a few falling outs at work due to people thinking they can do fake British accents on purpose to irritate me and me telling them to stop and they dont see why it pisses me off for lack of a better phrase. I just want to fit in and have people treat me like just another co worker. I had a customer tell me the other day "I hope you find your way home". I told her i live 3 miles away and i think i will manage just fine and she responded by saying "Well youre a bit of a smart ###". Why do people not understand that home is where you make it? And i have made mine here because i know i have got no choice.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I feel a lot better now than i did when i posted this thread. Nothing really different has happened. I just snapped out of it in the end like i knew i could! Good news is that my temporary job at Walmart got made permanent yesterday and that made my week! Also helped me relax a little on the finance front since i dont have a husband to support me any more.

I am in a new relationship! I entered it very cautiously after the last experience and we have mutually agreed to take things slowly but it has been the best feeling to have somebody truly care about me since i got here. He is also the total opposite of my ex...

I still have some really hard moments. There have been a few falling outs at work due to people thinking they can do fake British accents on purpose to irritate me and me telling them to stop and they dont see why it pisses me off for lack of a better phrase. I just want to fit in and have people treat me like just another co worker. I had a customer tell me the other day "I hope you find your way home". I told her i live 3 miles away and i think i will manage just fine and she responded by saying "Well youre a bit of a smart ####". Why do people not understand that home is where you make it? And i have made mine here because i know i have got no choice.

Congrats on the new relationship and being made permanent

On the accent front, when my sister was here for our wedding she LOVED to fake an American accent and then laugh about how stupid Americans sound/say words. I found it really really irritating and my husband did too. It actually really impacted our enjoyment of her being there for the wedding, it was... a long week.

One of my biggest struggles here in the beginning was the appearance of the complete lack of common decency, propriety and filter. Just things that I find extremely rude aren't considered rude here or people think nothing of it. It took a long time for me to shut my brain off to it but I'm sad to say I noticed I was acting like a typical "American" the last time I went back to Aus. Granted I was back for my dads funeral and it was at the nursing home where he had been and they had done something that had my mum in hysterics... but I found myself being far more blunt and to the point than I normally would have been.

Anyway, it will get better. I think you handled yourself really well with that woman. It will continue to get easier to deal with the morons. If it helps, I'm currently reading this site: http://notalwaysright.com and it seems stupid people are everywhere! Make me laugh to see what some people think is okay, and just how stupid some people really are :S

[Eriu 1]

I had the same problem when I lived in Switzerland, I had married my ex husband in 2000 and we moved to his home country in 2004 (by this stage I was already pregnant with my 4th child) when my child was 6 months old I had the police remove my husband from my house and never let him back, I spoke no German, had only one "friend" and the days got pretty long and lonely, his family lived 3 hours away by train and they never called as his mother and father have not a word of English... anyway after a few months I threw myself into school and learned German, I got a job in an Irish Bar Im a terrible barmaid but as the only Irish woman around it worked in my favour) Got a day and a night nanny (as I had school in the day and work at nights) met some wonderful Swiss people and made my own life.

I left Switzerland in 2009 after my divorce and came to the middle of Ireland and to be honest I am more lonely here than I ever was (even those first few months) I have neighbours who have not spoken to me since they found out I am divorced, my family visits me maybe once a month and any friends I had from before I left have moved on.


Love to you and hope that you find your life where you are xx

[CaroSL 68]

Having seen the Brit community in France can I just suggest that seeking the company of other expats will provide short term comfort but is no substitute for making a new life imho. Whilst it's difficult to move in California and the Bay Area without bumping into other expats and especially other Brits I don't see them as providing the framework needed to fit in with a local community and to build a new life. I know I'll always be seen as a Brit but I reaaaalllllyyyy don't want to form a Little England clique like you can see in the Dordogne or indeed in Spain.

My USC partner is actually British and she has mostly US friends with the odd Brit thrown in for good measure .

Oh, I agree with this. We have a lot of USC friends. But it is also nice to have people around that have been in your shoes. Hanging out with immigrants doesn't mean that you won't fit in. I see it as a way to support each other, and share things... And as long as the only reason to be friends is not just being from the same country...

Now, hanging out just with immigrants, and spending your time complaining about how one's home country is way better, and trying to do everything like at home... no, this is not the road to integration , I agree.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Oh, I agree with this. We have a lot of USC friends. But it is also nice to have people around that have been in your shoes. Hanging out with immigrants doesn't mean that you won't fit in. I see it as a way to support each other, and share things... And as long as the only reason to be friends is not just being from the same country...

Now, hanging out just with immigrants, and spending your time complaining about how one's home country is way better, and trying to do everything like at home... no, this is not the road to integration , I agree.

Agreed about not wanting to form a separate clique... but it's also nice not to have to remember to "speak American" and instead can revert to colloquialisms and stuff like that. Enjoy the same food and yes lament about food we miss at home... and outlet so to speak for part of us I think a lot of us feel like we have to hide from some people lest we be seen as "different".

I don't miss Australian's per se, but I do miss being understood 100% of the time instead of only 90-95% (on a good month!).