Kosi Wahala

2 minutes ago, PrisEri said:

@Kosi Wahala Many thanks for this.

You are welcome. While convalidation follows the Rite of Marriage, no one should choose to have anything other than a marriage within the Catholic Church. Convalidation is the way the Church makes an illicit marriage a valid sacrament of the Church. To marry outside the Church. without permission of the bishop causes one to be in a state of grave sin. 

Since one must be in a state of grace, in order to have one's marriage convalidated, one must receive absolution and the priest would advise the couple to live as "brother and sister" until the convalidation takes place. 

I would not advise anyone to enter into a civil marriage, when with some patience and planning, a sacramental marriage can be celebrated. 

1 hour ago, PrisEri said:

@Kosi Wahala This is the first time I have heard of convalidation of a Marriage. I have looked it up and am getting conflicting answers. Is convalidation same as a normal Catholic Marriage ceremony? If it is indeed different, then we would opt for the Catholic Marriage.

In many places convalidation is known as regularization. It is how the Church makes an illicit marriage sacramental. It may take place within a Mass, our outside of the Mass (depending upon the preference of the couple, and whether or not both are Catholic). The priest follows the Rite of Marriage - it's not just a "let's fix this" sort of thing - it's a Catholic marriage.  It can be celebrated as a normal marriage, or it can be a more reserved ceremony...that is up to the couple. 

Have you reached out to the priest who is pastor at what will become your home parish? He would normally be the one to walk with you through the pre-Cana preparation, then assist you will coordinating with the priest who will be officiating your marriage. 

One other thing to consider - you mentioned that you wanted to marry at the camp where you and your fiancé met. I am not sure what type of camp this is, but, unless it is one with a chapel and altar, the Church does not allow for things like outdoor weddings. That's why you never see a Catholic wedding on a beach in the Caribbean.   That is something you are going to have to discuss with the priest, as well. 

My husband and I were married in a civil ceremony, last September, in Nigeria. I came home to the U.S. in October and met with my pastor. The first order of business was receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Since we are still awaiting my husband's CR1 visa, we began pre-Cana prep via FaceTime with my pastor, while my husband has been studying the Catechism in Nigeria. I have been able to receive the Holy Eucharist, as we have been living as brother and sister (i.e. apart) all this time.

I will be returning to Nigeria for Holy Week - my husband will be received into the Church at Easter Vigil, and we'll have our marriage convalidated on Easter Monday. ?

I wonder, OP, has your husband ever been to Mass with you? Might he consider becoming Catholic? My husband grew up attending several evangelical churches in Nigeria - and he said, not long into his study of the catechism, "This is the very doctrine and tradition I have been searching for, for a long time!" I cannot wait for that day when I am able to kneel beside my husband and receive holy communion! That is going to be a blessed day, for sure. 

May God bless you, and may He always be at the center of your marriages. 

Also, if you decide to marry outside the Church, first, most priests will require you to go through Pre-Cana before convalidating your marriage. FYI - there are considerations concerning state of grace and reception of the Holy Eucharist, until you have your marriage regularized. 
We just completed our Pre-Cana for the convalidation of our marriage - Again, you can PM me if you wish.

5 hours ago, m8cl said:

How about a civil wedding first then you can have your church wedding when you get here so you have time to prepare.

She would have to get her bishop's permission to marry outside the Church, and wouldn't receive it for a civil wedding. 

I would suggest you speak to your priest, or the priest of the parish closest to where you intend to marry. Yes. You will need your documents from your home parish. Pre-Cana preparation, here in the U.S. can run as long as six-months. Often there is a retreat involved, as well. 

PM me if you'd like to know more. 

17 minutes ago, Loray Thomas said:

@Kosi Wahala bless you...I, like you wasn't worried about the traveling, but much more of the condition of the roads and the other crazy drivers..My husband laughed at me the whole time...Going back in 5 months and looking forward to it... 

 

Again to the OP, take the advice given to you...Go ahead and marry this man and try for the Spousal visa...The outcome will probably be different and you will be on here thanking everyone for their helpful advice...No one is here to bash you or hurt your feelings...All this advice is in love and to help you to proceed on to the next step...Good luck and praying for you...

We should travel together sometime! We could livestream it. It would be like Thelma and Louise Visit 9ja. LOL

Just now, Boiler said:

Yup

 

Never having being to Nigeria I would guess you both have valid points, which applies in this case I have no idea. I am reasonably sure that the OP will have plenty of time to find out.

The bottom line is, whatever came together for the OP at the consulate, just did not work out the way they wanted it to. Unless her congressmen are able to pull things back together (and I would suggest calling the congressional offices, not just emailing them), then the K1 is, most likely, going to be off the table. If that is the case, then marriage is going to be the next step - if she decides to go that route. 

Two things gave me cause to ask questions, and have a great deal of concern - 1. The OP wrote about a past abusive relationship. 2. The OP originally stated that her fiancé was escorted out of the consulate by security (I see she has not stated that she misunderstood, and that did not happen.) Anyway, for someone to lose their temper to the extent that they are excused from the building by security - I just wanted to give the OP somethings to consider.

Again, like it or not, the three main ethnic groups in Nigeria do have distinct customs and traditions. Perhaps, some of the younger men have lost interest in these things, but many have not. We are a product of the families we grow up in, even when we don't care to admit it. 

I still think the OP needs to spend more quality time with her fiancé, and, since they are most likely going to have to go into overtime in proving their case, the next time their file hits a COs desk, in Lagos...I would suggest that she consider visiting Nigeria, and meeting his family - smile for a million photos, eat some deliciously spicy soup and pounded yam.

The reason I asked where her fiancé is from, was solely based upon the OPs comment that Nigeria is a dangerous place to visit. Yes, some parts are, and some places are not. That's not stereotyping...that's being real. 

Okay...now, for real...O daaro. 

4 minutes ago, Ebunoluwa said:

You mean you want to wish everyone a good night.

Boiler knows that. Boiler meant for everyone to chill out. 

1 minute ago, Ebunoluwa said:

 Think about how OP feels reading your post, you

indicated all may not be as it seems. I was not trying to be offensive with my post, your comment seemed stereotypical of regions and

tribes otherwise you would not have asked OP where he lives and what tribe he is.
An uncles position does not mean a thing.
No disrespect was meant as I said.

Like it or not, there are tribal differences within the three main ethnic groups. None of the differences have a thing to do with predisposition to scamming. I have never watched an Igbo friend prostrate himself, even half-heartedly to his elders, like a Yoruba. 

"An uncles (SIC) position does not mean a thing." - Okay, that shows a lack of knowledge on your part. My husband's uncle, whom he works for, is a Right Honorable - having been the Speaker of the House of Assembly. When I am in his home in a few weeks, I'll be sure to tell him his position means nothing as I fail to greet him according to custom. That should go over really well. 

1 minute ago, Boiler said:

I just want to O daaro everybody.

Ah, dat big wahala, oooooh. You be vexing me to timeout, ooooh.

Just now, Ebunoluwa said:

No, you have your right to share what you want to share and since this is an open forum I have a right to respectfully disagree.
 

I do believe Africans are being stereotyped by tribe and region, yes I do.
If I had a penny for every time I heard 'all from this region and that tribe are scammers' ....I don't find it helpful.
She should post here to find out her next move in the process.
No, I did not say for you to be quite. No need to be defensive. We all can give input here and I don't have to like your comment and
neither do I expect you to like mine.

O daaro to you as well.

Well, I did not indicate that any particular tribe was "scammers" - in fact, I didn't mention scammers at all. 

And, just because you find "red flags" in meeting someone's family very soon - I didn't. Especially since I was already aware of who the family was, and the position held by my husband's uncle. 

I don't expect you to think or see things the same way that I do, but you could tone down your post a bit - to indicate that you happen to have more "immersion" in African culture...well, whatever. To accuse me of stereotyping, and presuming I was going to tag any particular tribe as scammers? I'm not being defensive, but I will speak up when I am disrespected. 

12 minutes ago, Ebunoluwa said:

 

I do not get why some people still try to use tribalism as fact pointers to human behavior and put people in a box that

if A happens B must follow. Though tribal customs have a very general impact, we as humans are very diverse and not all

fit this "thus says the custom of this or that tribe" book. I don't see what where he lives or what tribe

he is has anything to do with this issue. He went to Dubai. She said she did not want to travel to Nigeria. She should have
to satisfy the CO but that does not make him a scammer or evasive, it was her choice. There is no wahala.

She does chat with family. Though for visa purposes it is important as even the outdated filed manuals still dictate how a

Nigerian man is supposed to act to be legit, it is their yard stick. There are

way too many modern Nigerian men who could care less to have the whole family involved from day one and if they
are they can be all scammers as much as one who does not have the whole family chatting up a fiance.
Every couple has their individual preferences and in time it will naturally happen. I would feel totally weird if from early
in the relationship the whole family would urge me to chat with them, especially from the first hour/day as you stated.
Siblings, parents, uncles....oh heck no.That to me would be a red flag.

Carried over from Colonial days there persists this idea that people feel compelled to put all Nigerians nicely
sorted out into categories and state if you live there you are and do this, if you are of this tribe then you belong there and do that.
This is just not true for all Nigerians or should I say the African man.
Customs being customs, some abide by it and some do not.

Why do westerners always try to stereotype Africans and place them into a box of a certain custom.

It is for the OP to decide what the relationship means to her and all she wants to know is how to proceed.
No offense but I just wanted to voice my thoughts on this from my past experience of being immersed in the African culture
for many years and to me it is a disservice to categorize all Nigerians as thinking the same way about family, a fiance/wife
and all that comes with it.

 

 

Wow, well, chill out a little bit. "Sterotype Africans?" I happened to be stating things in that post, as my husband and I were thinking out loud together about the OPs issue. 

"No offense but I just wanted to voice my thoughts on this from my past experience of being immersed in the African culture
for many years and to me it is a disservice to categorize all Nigerians as thinking the same way about family, a fiance/wife
and all that comes with it."

BTW - Actually, I am offended. You have also done some box cramming of your very own, with me. You are not the only person to have been "immersed" in the African culture. We may not share the same perspective, but that does not make my perspective rubbish. 

"It is for the OP to decide what the relationship means to her and all she wants to know is how to proceed." - Then why should she post here about her experience at all? I guess what you are saying is that since you didn't like my post, based on things coming from my husband's thoughts and from my years in Nigeria, then I should just be quite. 

Alright then. I will. 

O daaro. 

As some have already pointed out, I don't think anyone is trying to be condescending toward you, and I certainly cannot comprehend what you must be feeling right now - but, I hope by now you have taken a few deep breaths and have taken time to gather yourself a bit. 

I just had dinner with some dear friends. He is a retired Foreign Service officer - I read you post to him, and he (like many of us) is sure there is more to the denial than your custody order. In fact he (also like many of us) is sure that the custody order probably had nothing to do with it. He said that your assumption that the CO had not reviewed your file at all is extremely unlikely. And, he said that since the application made it as far as the Consulate, the CO was most likely worried about the red flags we have already pointed out to you, throughout this entire thread.

If you don't mind, may I ask a few questions?

Where is your fiancé from, in Nigeria? What tribe is he from? How many siblings does he have, and where does he fall in birth order? How did the two of you meet? 

1 hour ago, Hypnos said:

6 days of face-to-face time is nowhere near long enough for Lagos and is likely the crux of his denial. 

Exactly. I would love to know what the written reason for denial is. I would bet it has nothing to do with your custody agreement. 

May I ask why you have never been to Nigeria, and have never met any of his family? Internet time is nothing like face-to-face time. Also, not knowing his family? I know that some have sailed through without proof of knowing their Nigerian finance's family, but, as one who is married to a Nigerian man whom I have known for over 18 years (in real life), it is really strange to have that close a relationship without being introduced to his family. As one other person posted - there are so many red flags here, skipping through Lagos would be a miracle. 

As for your fiancé's behavior at the Consulate - I have to shake my head and say, that is inexcusable no matter what. So is your name-calling of the consulate officer, whom you have never met. As a federal employee (from another, unrelated agency), I will tell you that once someone has shown cause to be "excused" from a federal office building, under escort by security, just getting your face back inside the door may present all sorts of problems. 

I honestly think, if you wish to salvage any of this, you need an attorney now.

As for marrying in Nigeria - if you decide to go that route - you need to know that you will, most likely, be required to appear at the High Court to swear out an affidavit that you were never married to the father of your children. Been there, done that. 

But, again, before you spend time and money doing anything else - you should probably have a lawyer ascertain whether or not your fiancé will even be allowed back inside the U.S. Consulate. 

4 hours ago, OvieDare said:

Common law is recognized on a federal level and federal law supersedes any state law. See how you go about un doing a common law marriage. 

Uh, well...it's a bit more complicated than that. And, federal law does not always supersede state law - that's the whole point of the 10th Amendment to the Constitution. 

The OP needs to seek legal advice from someone in Alaska who is competent in immigration law. 

I have a feeling, that since you have posted asking us...a bunch of strangers...you already know what you need to do. 

No one deserves to be treated that way by their spouse, but he can only treat you that way if you let him. Divorce him, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, heal and move on with your life. 

1 minute ago, Boiler said:

Obviously the vast majority of people do not have this issue, my first suggestion would be to try a different office or go back and talk to a different person.

 

Dealing with SS, DMV etc can be frustrating.

Once you have done that (three times for me), your file is marked and there is not getting past their stupidity, except by doing what I am doing now with a discrimination/civil rights complaint. My Senator and U.S. Rep. are also involved. 

8 minutes ago, Boiler said:

A Marriage Certificate is not like a Drivers License, it does not need to be registered in whichever State you are currently living in.

 

SSN screw up is hardly new.

 

Registering a document does nothing to conform its validity. Just that it has been registered.

Exactly, but tell SSA that. They are demanding that some of us do that, then insist that we should be given a "U.S. marriage certificate," of which there is no such thing. And, once you are already married, you obviously cannot get a marriage certificate from your state of residence, so then SSA uses that to continue to deny a name change. Hence the reason I have a discrimination/civil rights complaint at the SSA's Chicago Regional Counsel's office, right now.

15 minutes ago, Suss&Camm said:

Wow.. that manager should be fired for gross incompetence... Holy cow

It sounds like Mrs Gayomeh is being told the same thing, by her local SSA office. 

7 hours ago, Mrs Gayomeh said:

So I ended up having to take my marriage license down to the recorders office have it stamped, scanned, and a bar code sticker affixed to it. For a $35 fee took it along w/receipt for the new clerk to tell me it was already sent out. I was very upset I had receipt it was to be received then a call saying "it wasn't " smdh glad I have it. Thank you all for the feed back still figuring out how to reply

My local SSA office told me to go have my Nigerian marriage certificate recorded, as well. This was after their first denial. I did as I was told, recorded the marriage certificate at the County Recorder's Office, paid for a recorded copy, and took that back to the SSA. The woman who took it, told me all was well, and that I would be able to go to the BMV and change my name on my Indiana driver's license the next day. By that afternoon, I had a call from the local SSA office manager, asking where my Indiana marriage license was - she insisted that once I recorded my Nigerian marriage certificate, the Clerk's office should have issued me an Indiana marriage license. Many phone calls and emails later, between me, SSA, the County Clerk's office, and the State Attorney General - and they all told the SSA office manager that I could not be issued an Indiana marriage license, as I was not married in Indiana, and my Nigerian marriage certificate was recognized as valid. The SSA office manager wrote to my U.S. Senator, telling him that without a "U.S. marriage certificate" they would not change my name. 

Meanwhile, two other federal agencies had no problem changing my name, based upon my Nigerian marriage certificate - the Department of State, on my passport, and the FAA on my Airline Transport Pilot certificate. To date, SSA still refuses to change my name, and that is why I have a discrimination complaint sitting on their Regional Counsel's desk. 

Interestingly enough, if you read this section of the SSA's own policy manual, specifically paragraph B (1), then SSA should look to the State of domicile to determine validity of marriage...yet, here I sit, with SSA disregarding this policy, which also happens to coincide with my State's law...If a marriage is conducted under the laws of the jurisdiction in which it takes place, and it is not done to evade State laws, then the marriage is valid.   https://secure.ssa.gov/poms.nsf/lnx/0200305005

To refuse to recognize a marriage that *is* recognized by the State, is clearly a violation of the Tenth Amendment to the U.S Constitution, which states: "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people."  Marriage is *not* a power delegated to the United States...it is a power reserved to the States themselves. Further, the Due Process clause says: “No person shall … be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law…”  Since there is *no* law prohibiting foreign marriage, it is my opinion that SSA is overstepping their bounds in failing to recognize a valid marriage, and in making unreasonable and impossible demands for presentation of a State marriage certificate. 

 

On 1/11/2017 at 6:17 PM, Mrs Gayomeh said:

Came across VJ searching for help w/name change. I married my husband in Ghana 12/16/2016 at the Registry. When I returned to Texas I had know problem adding my new last name to mine on my CDL the marriage license was accepted wo/an issue.

I then took the print out of new drivers license w/updated name, vehicle insurance including husband, and marriage license from Ghana w/pics to the Social Security Office. I received a stamped letter saying I would receive new SS card in (2)weeks. Then later received a call saying that I needed to go to the courts or to the registers office to get a marriage license from the US. I'm lost!! How do  I do that? I wanted to marry on the soil of my ancestors it was a beautiful traditional wedding. My husband is not yet in the US so what do I do?

Ah, the wonderful Social Security Administration, with their hidden policies and disregard for the 10th Amendment. 

I have been battling them since October, when they denied my name change, based on my Nigerian marriage certificate. SSA claims that their policy regarding Nigeria was developed with input from the State Department, but the State Department changed the name on my U.S. passport, with my Nigerian marriage certificate as proof of name change. 

Currently, I have a discrimination complaint against SSA, as they are violating my due process rights, under the 10th Amendment (the state I am a resident of, does recognize my marriage). 

Bottom line is this...you cannot get a marriage license in the U.S., if you already have a valid foreign marriage. The first question you will be asked, if you even try is..."Are you currently married?" You will tell them "yes" and show the clerk of the court your marriage license, and they will NOT issue you a marriage license in your state...because you don't need one! You are already married. 

If you want to PM me, I can let you know more.

6 minutes ago, Finayyy said:

Yes it's pretty rough. But I was able to travel to the US and currently am here visiting. I'm hoping there was some sort of way to expedite this so I can be there closer to the due date.

 

I have been tracking random cases through the Case Tracker app and seeing some movement in September 30 range at Potomac. 

Unfortunately, USCIS does not look at pregnancy as a reason to expedite a case.

I sent an expedite request, and documents from three doctors, documenting my history of C-PTSD - the doctors all wrote of the urgency to get my husband here to the states. My request was denied, even after a request for a second review by my U.S. Senator. 

At least you are able to visit your wife...that's a good thing.