Married 2 mo ago, but not sure I want to sponsor him now

[Perseverance 1]

They always say they will change...they really hardly ever do, and if they do, not on thier own without some kind of intervention...like from the law. They don't think they have a problem, most times they will filp it on you and make you think that you made them do it to you. Abuse is something unfortunately something I know about. Go and get yourself some support from a DV shelter (they can't point you to a support group and Advocate) you will need the help to stay strong. Abusers can be so convincing and charming. You always think it won't happen to you, that you would never put up with that, it can happen so fast before you know it you are in the cycle. Stay Strong.

[lucky_star 0]

What is it you want for yourself is the question. We only live once and it is not very long. Do you want to live with someone that (it sounds like) has the potential to abuse you? Or not?Don't think of yourself as a green card or as an object. Think of yourself as a real person. Then ther is no choice as to what you want for yourself. Good luck

[samsbs 0]

Once a sheep killing dog, always a sheep killing dog. Get out.

[chispas 0]

Will you be safe if you try to leave him???? I can tell you first hand, it will get worst and the longer you wait the more difficult it will be to get out.

[titotomas 0]

Just a point of clarification - a K-3 is not a fiance visa - it is a spousal visa. The OP and her husband are not eligible for a fiance visa as they are already married. As well, different consulates have differing requirements for the financial support - some do use the I-134, the others use the much more stringent affidavit of support required for the AOS (I don't recall the form number, I'm sorry, but it is listed in the Guides).

Another clarification - the AOS affidavid of support is not for 10 years - it is until one of 3 conditions occur: a) the sponsored individual becomes a US citizen B) the sponsored individual obtains 40 quarters of employment with SS benefits which usually equals 10 years but can be considerably longer - or never if the individual does not work, or c) the individual gives up their permanent residency by leaving the country for good.

You are facing a challenging dilemna because your emotions are involved. This is your husband and you want to make things work, but you are seeing distressing symptoms that all is not well with this relationship and it may never be well. Anyone who has ever been in an abused relationship will tell you that the abuser almost always apologizes for the abuse and promises not to do it again. They may even succeed in behaving for a few weeks or even a few months. But that is all. The patten of abuse is very deeply ingrained into their personality and requires serious counselling to combat. Time will often prove whether they will succeed in keeping their promise or not.

But you need time to know and immigration makes time a scarcity. I know you want him here legally but what I would advise doing is not to submit the AOS application yet, if ever. Give yourself that time to see if he will work hard enough to keep that promise. It is unlikely USCIS will come after him over the next few months, and if you do decide to proceed, any overstay he incurs will be forgiven. It will mean that he won't be able to work and that will be a challenge. See if he is willing to volunteer somewhere to keep himself occupied. Let him know that he needs to provide this proof that he can keep his promise to change, that love is not enough. If he succeeds and you get half a year from now and he shows every evidence of keeping his promise, then consider again if you want to proceed with the AOS and its virtually lifetime commitments of support. If he fails to keep his word, then you have given him enough opportunity to change and he has not. Let him know you will not be submitting the Affidavid of Support for his AOS. From what you have described I think within that time you will have seen enough evidence to realize what decision you need to make.

In the meantime keep in close contact with your family and friends and if you even feel the slightest bit concerned for your safety or well-being, leave him, leave the house, leave everything and go where you are safe. You will know then that he is unlikely ever to change, and you can take whatever steps are necessary to separate your lives. It is not your responsibility to give him the means to stay in the US. Good luck.

Here's another man's perspective: Spirit, dear lady, the same posts are appearing over and over again, with the same advice. The attached is one of the best ones I have seen so far, and I am still browsing this thread. What does this tell you???

You are thinking with your heart. Don't. That is what your BRAIN is for. I was in an abusive relationship myself at the end of my previous marriage (yes, it happens to guys too....when the thought process is through the HEART). My family and friends were telling me one thing, all I could think about was "saving my marriage". My father had to threaten to disown me if I went back to her. I was too close to the situation to be able to SEE. Years later I look back and say "what was I THINKING??? She had moved IN with her BOYFRIEND for gawd's sake!" This is where YOU are, you are too close to the situation.

Do take the advice of all these good people. It would not be repeated again and again in so many ways if it was NOT solid. LISTEN to your family. Listen to your friends (which includes those at VJ here). I myself found being alone can be bad, but NOT being alone could be worse.

Good luck

Tom

[active5467 0]

I just read your post, I have always believed in one thing, the people never change, the people is and will be the same, I think you made a bad decision in the moment you got marry him because it was too soon, anyway, dont make another mistake, dont let him he tells you sweet words because the people doesnt change. You are woman and you deserve respect, no matter what, dont let him he abuse of you emotionally.

[spiritgirl 0]

Just a point of clarification - a K-3 is not a fiance visa - it is a spousal visa. The OP and her husband are not eligible for a fiance visa as they are already married. As well, different consulates have differing requirements for the financial support - some do use the I-134, the others use the much more stringent affidavit of support required for the AOS (I don't recall the form number, I'm sorry, but it is listed in the Guides).

Another clarification - the AOS affidavid of support is not for 10 years - it is until one of 3 conditions occur: a) the sponsored individual becomes a US citizen B) the sponsored individual obtains 40 quarters of employment with SS benefits which usually equals 10 years but can be considerably longer - or never if the individual does not work, or c) the individual gives up their permanent residency by leaving the country for good.

You are facing a challenging dilemna because your emotions are involved. This is your husband and you want to make things work, but you are seeing distressing symptoms that all is not well with this relationship and it may never be well. Anyone who has ever been in an abused relationship will tell you that the abuser almost always apologizes for the abuse and promises not to do it again. They may even succeed in behaving for a few weeks or even a few months. But that is all. The patten of abuse is very deeply ingrained into their personality and requires serious counselling to combat. Time will often prove whether they will succeed in keeping their promise or not.

But you need time to know and immigration makes time a scarcity. I know you want him here legally but what I would advise doing is not to submit the AOS application yet, if ever. Give yourself that time to see if he will work hard enough to keep that promise. It is unlikely USCIS will come after him over the next few months, and if you do decide to proceed, any overstay he incurs will be forgiven. It will mean that he won't be able to work and that will be a challenge. See if he is willing to volunteer somewhere to keep himself occupied. Let him know that he needs to provide this proof that he can keep his promise to change, that love is not enough. If he succeeds and you get half a year from now and he shows every evidence of keeping his promise, then consider again if you want to proceed with the AOS and its virtually lifetime commitments of support. If he fails to keep his word, then you have given him enough opportunity to change and he has not. Let him know you will not be submitting the Affidavid of Support for his AOS. From what you have described I think within that time you will have seen enough evidence to realize what decision you need to make.

In the meantime keep in close contact with your family and friends and if you even feel the slightest bit concerned for your safety or well-being, leave him, leave the house, leave everything and go where you are safe. You will know then that he is unlikely ever to change, and you can take whatever steps are necessary to separate your lives. It is not your responsibility to give him the means to stay in the US. Good luck.

Thanks for the good advice Kathryn. I am very familiar with those 3 requirements...which is what is scary. That is exactly why I don't want to sign this Aff. of Support. I've read so many of the different forms and options, and all of them seem to have some sort of financial sponsorship involved. So many of you are correct.... he is an adult and should be responsible for his own actions and decisions. I am reading, researching, and talking to many people (each of whom has their own strong opinion). I'm the one stuck with the emotions to deal with... and determining how genuine his efforts are. And it is true that only time will tell. As of last week he has finally begun volunteering about 10 hrs a week, and this is about a month after I had originally suggested it. He seems to enjoy it...and at least it gets him out of the house. I would go stir crazy myself without a license and some exterior motivation. However... he has a lot of work ahead of him building my trust again, and I will do my best not to allow myself to stay in an unsafe situation. I'm drawing a lot of lines and boundaries that I didn't before (*never been in an abusive relationship..and never had a friend in one either...so until 2 weeks ago, I was rather clueless on these things*). Thanks for the support! And friends and family are key....and I'm not backing down on that now. I will tell my family what I want to tell them and what I need to tell them - for my safety and because they are the ones that I know truely care for me. In the meantime.... I'll try to convince myself not to worry about his status here.

[spiritgirl 0]

Here's another man's perspective: Spirit, dear lady, the same posts are appearing over and over again, with the same advice. The attached is one of the best ones I have seen so far, and I am still browsing this thread. What does this tell you???

You are thinking with your heart. Don't. That is what your BRAIN is for. I was in an abusive relationship myself at the end of my previous marriage (yes, it happens to guys too....when the thought process is through the HEART). My family and friends were telling me one thing, all I could think about was "saving my marriage". My father had to threaten to disown me if I went back to her. I was too close to the situation to be able to SEE. Years later I look back and say "what was I THINKING??? She had moved IN with her BOYFRIEND for gawd's sake!" This is where YOU are, you are too close to the situation.

Do take the advice of all these good people. It would not be repeated again and again in so many ways if it was NOT solid. LISTEN to your family. Listen to your friends (which includes those at VJ here). I myself found being alone can be bad, but NOT being alone could be worse.

Good luck

Tom

Thanks Tom.... I really appreciate your perspective & agree on the consistent advice that is give here. Before I married him, I always thought somethign similar to what you said...it is better to be alone and lonely than to be in the wrong relationship... and even worse, lonely and unsafe in the wrong relationship.

Thanks again....

[Bobbie 1]

I have been married about 2 months now to a foreigner who was here on a work-exhcange visa, which expired right before we got married. We were friends during his entire visa stay, but we only dated 1 1/2 mo before marrying. He is still living with me in the U.S. at my home.

My natural desire was to sponsor him to get his perminent residence here, which we were on the verge of putting the application in the mail (I-485, I-130, I-864, I-765, etc...). But some things have happened since we got married, which increasingly got worse, that make me feel unsure about sponsoring him (extreme emotional abuse, control, cutting me off from my friends/family, sleep deprevation..etc... and phsyical restraints... never hit me though..at least not 'yet'). I had discussed/argued with him about the way he was treating me and told him that I didn't feel comfortable/safe with it. He said he would stop, but kept doing it. It all came to a breaking point a week and a half ago, when I was ready to leave the marriage due to all of this(and buy him a flight back to his country). I finally called my family to help me. My friends and family tell me to get out of the relationship now... but after 4 days of separating (I spent the time at my family's house) he is promising to change, etc.. and seems very genuine. I have been back with him for a week now, and we have seen a marriage counselor (who seems good) twice, and I am getting personal counseling as well. His intentions seem genuine...but how can I judge at this point?

I think he loves me... it is believable from what he says now and how he has acted this last week... but I have had my doubts, since marrying, about what his true intentions were in marrying me. I believed that we both loved each other. He always acted very hurt if I brought up questions/concerns addressing the possibility that his intentions weren't purely due to his love for me.

My fear in sponsoring him is due to the financial responsibility I would be agreeing to in the affidavit of support until he becomes a U.S. citizen....and then having things not work out in the marriage (this is not my hope)...and then me still being stuck with the responsibility of ensuring I maintain him at an above povertly income level to ensure he doesn't go on public assistance, etc...

My dilema is that if we do work on this marriage and stay together... I will want him to be here legally and able to work, but I don't want it to be due to him knowing he can get his perm. residence through me. As it is, his J-1 visa is expired. He was living with me (rather than returning to his country) until we could get the application mailed in, which I've read elsewhere that although technically it is illegal, usually it isn't a problem to get the perm. residence approved (as long as he didn't overstay his visa 180+ days). So he can't have a driver's license in my state, no permission to work, etc... Even looked into the possibility of him going to school as an international student but was told since his visa was expired, and he wasn't in his home country, that they couldn't apply for the student visa.

He says he wants to stay with me, and work on the marriage. He says he is willing to change. I love him, but don't want to end up in an abusive relationship. I hear it is more difficult to leave the longer you stay. I want more time to determine whether or not to sponsor him, to determine whether or not his promises are genuine and true. I also need more time to make sure my decisions are wise (since looking back I wasn't so wise to marry him so quickly, but I can't change that now).

In the meantime, I want him to be able to stay legally somehow (so I don't have this pressure to sponsor him), and be able to do normal things like work (legally). I don't want to feel obligated to financially sponsor him b/c now I feel unsafe doing so...and don't want to be financially obligated (by the U.S. gvmt) to a man who may end up being my x-husband if he reverts back to this controlling/abusive behavior. I want to know if there is any way that he can be here legally? even as a non-immigrant? (I know he could be sponsored to be a Perm. Res. by an Employer, but he has no degree completed yet). Is there some other kind of visa I do not know about that he could apply for while living in the U.S. married to a U.S. citizen? Without the intention to be a permanent resident? I read about the K-3 visa...but we would have to send him back home, then bring him back here again...and that could be renewed annually, but I'd still have to provide the affidavit of support??? This doesn't seem to be any better an option than the first. Is there an agency out there that may help with getting him sponsored by an employer, and placing him in a job, even though he doesn't have a degree (the skilled worker option???) and his visa is already expired.

Someone please offer some good advice.... I have good people helping me in the emotional dept. etc... but on top of the marrital issues there is this sponsorship/legal #######, which most people do not know about. I want to know that if he is working on things with me that it is because he loves me and wants to be with me...not so he can use me to get perm. residence. I'm trying to do things right and legal (which is why he isn't driving nor working).

Thanks.

Ok lets get things straight, first off, you ARE in an abusive relationship, you are simply trying to decide to stay in it or to leave it. You are hoping by staying in the abusive relationship he will see the error of his ways and magically change. Why do we marry people hopeing they change? Marry someone and look at their faults and say, OK I can live with this, not, I can change this.

You are talking about him physically restraining you. What does he have to do to make this so you walk away. Would one slap do it? or would it take a broken bone?

Why are you worried about helping him? You made a mistake. You married too soon. There is no shame in it.

YOu can not ever know if he is promising you to change because he wants to, or because he wants to stay in the USA.

Don't sit there waiting to see what he will do. You decide and do it. And really think about it. Please be careful to not give him any more emotional ammunition like getting pregnant.....you would really have a hard time getting rid of him then.

Don't be a statistic. IM sorry Im being so hard. But the writing is on the wall. How long will you wait to read it? I am all for working marriage out. Once it is abusive..and you have no real reason to have such a strong commitment to him, a few months? this is nothing.....get out, and dont look back. I believe the moment you way, we are over, you will see how very very abusive he can become.

When you threaten him and his ability to be in the usa when that is what he wants, i think it will be fire.

I am so sorry for being so hard on you, but I think if he came up and slapped you across the face right now you would say..but i do love him and he wont do it again, and and and.........

Ask yourself, at what point is enough enough? Draw a line in the sand.

[Bobbie 1]

I just read your post, I have always believed in one thing, the people never change, the people is and will be the same, I think you made a bad decision in the moment you got marry him because it was too soon, anyway, dont make another mistake, dont let him he tells you sweet words because the people doesnt change. You are woman and you deserve respect, no matter what, dont let him he abuse of you emotionally.

I believe people do change. I also believe it is neither my job nor my duty to go through change with them. When and if they do change, and if they call and If I am available, then we can speak.

Go away, change and come back, then we shall talk.

Other than that, this woman is right ON. YOU deserve respect!

[chiguedna 0]

Oy vey! If you read a variety of immigration forums you will come across a story like this at least twice a week. RUN don't walk away from this textbook case abuser/user as fast as you can. HE WON'T CHANGE, HE'S JUST WINDING UP. DO NOT file or sign any immigration petitions for him, especially the I-864!!! If you file an I-864 for him you will be on the hook financially until: He dies or works long enough to accumulate 40 quarters of social security(10 years of full time work) or leaves the country or becomes a US citizen. And it doesn't matter if you are married to him or not, it is still a binding contract with the US government until one of the above conditions is met.

For example: he could divorce you marry someone else, have a kid with her and go on welfare, and guess who pays?....that's right, YOU!

Remember con artists are con artists and dangerous because they are very believable, if they are not they're just pathetic. Splash you face with cold water, put on your running shoes and get as far away from this guy as possible.

Good Luck.

[spiritgirl 0]

Thanks to everyone for your replies so far. I'd be curious to read other peoples forums/stories that are similar to mine. What are other common immigration forums? Has anyone else read a similar forum to mine? If so, can you send the link?

I have an appt. with an immigration lawyer this week to find out more details about what the options are (other than me sponsoring him). I'm going alone... and I think he plans on talking to an immigration lawyer on his own as well. We had our first real talk (after me drawing the line in the sand two weeks ago) about how he feels about me not sponsoring him. The discussion lasted about 2 hours.... and basically he sees me not sponsoring him as something that is preventing the goal of getting our marriage to where we want it to go (hello).... but I said if he loves me enough (enough to give his life for me which he says a lot) and really wants to work on this marriage, then he should be willing to go back to his country to apply for a new visa (school??) that can be renewed until he finishes school. If by that time (2+ years from now) I feel safe sponsoring him to get a greencard, then I can make that call then. It would give me time to see if the way he has been the last two weeks (nice guy, not controlling like he was before, etc...) remains consistent for the time it takes him to finish school... He keeps telling me that if he leaves the US now (on an expired visa) he will not be allowed back into the country. I'm not sure that his comment is entirely accurate, but I will ask a ton of questions to my imm. lawyer this week. In the end... you are all right that it is his responsibility (which I told him) to figure things out for himself...and make sure he gets legal.

BTW..... although it would be nice to feel no shame in the situation of marrying too soon, I unfortunately do. I don't have a problem admitting my unwise decisions (even to my family, Friends - which for some was difficult), but I still feel the shame (esp. since everyone warned me against marrying so quickly). I'm reading a great book by Lundy Bandcroft that is helping me to understand the minds/tactics of "controlling and angry" men(people)... and what to look out for. So, this is helping me a ton in understanding the games he may play (even if unconciously). Right now it is hard to tell if he is using tactics or not... since of course, he is on his best behavior now. And now I'm the one (under a ton of stress (good stress, but still stress) on top of my issues with him) looking like the selfish/mean person...b/c I am getting fed up & frustrated with him so easily....and somehow the last two weeks (since the big family intervention and me leaving for a few days) he is for the most part, keeping his cool....and I've had a short fuse a couple of times and have yelled. *sigh*

[Bobbie 1]

Thanks to everyone for your replies so far. I'd be curious to read other peoples forums/stories that are similar to mine. What are other common immigration forums? Has anyone else read a similar forum to mine? If so, can you send the link?

I have an appt. with an immigration lawyer this week to find out more details about what the options are (other than me sponsoring him). I'm going alone... and I think he plans on talking to an immigration lawyer on his own as well. We had our first real talk (after me drawing the line in the sand two weeks ago) about how he feels about me not sponsoring him. The discussion lasted about 2 hours.... and basically he sees me not sponsoring him as something that is preventing the goal of getting our marriage to where we want it to go (hello).... but I said if he loves me enough (enough to give his life for me which he says a lot) and really wants to work on this marriage, then he should be willing to go back to his country to apply for a new visa (school??) that can be renewed until he finishes school. If by that time (2+ years from now) I feel safe sponsoring him to get a greencard, then I can make that call then. It would give me time to see if the way he has been the last two weeks (nice guy, not controlling like he was before, etc...) remains consistent for the time it takes him to finish school... He keeps telling me that if he leaves the US now (on an expired visa) he will not be allowed back into the country. I'm not sure that his comment is entirely accurate, but I will ask a ton of questions to my imm. lawyer this week. In the end... you are all right that it is his responsibility (which I told him) to figure things out for himself...and make sure he gets legal.

BTW..... although it would be nice to feel no shame in the situation of marrying too soon, I unfortunately do. I don't have a problem admitting my unwise decisions (even to my family, Friends - which for some was difficult), but I still feel the shame (esp. since everyone warned me against marrying so quickly). I'm reading a great book by Lundy Bandcroft that is helping me to understand the minds/tactics of "controlling and angry" men(people)... and what to look out for. So, this is helping me a ton in understanding the games he may play (even if unconciously). Right now it is hard to tell if he is using tactics or not... since of course, he is on his best behavior now. And now I'm the one (under a ton of stress (good stress, but still stress) on top of my issues with him) looking like the selfish/mean person...b/c I am getting fed up & frustrated with him so easily....and somehow the last two weeks (since the big family intervention and me leaving for a few days) he is for the most part, keeping his cool....and I've had a short fuse a couple of times and have yelled. *sigh*

Good for you. Amazing that now you blow your cool and you remember...OOOoo Ya, I get to be upset also, dang this feels good to be able to express this......

Do protect yourself, and I know how you feel. I have stayed single for over 20 years for the same reason. I dont want to look stupid. If I dont get involved and I dont break up, then I wont look stupid. I call them "silly" issues. I have issues looking silly....but as someone told me, bobbie, do you look down on me when someone else does something bad to me...and I say, oh no..i realize you did the best you could...and she says, bobbie, if your foreign mail away male (my honey) and you dont work out, I wont look down on you....Its nice she says this, but I still think wow humiliation...blah blah blah...but without the risk, no reward. Doesnt mean it works out, but simply means you are in the game!

Don't let the fear of what people will think stop you from doing right. Some will talk if you divorce, but many more will talk if you show up with a broken leg or worse. When you divorce, people might say wow she was married quick, I knew it wouldn't work out. THey say that for a month....6 months down the road, they will say, she doesn't mess around, when she made a mistake, she fixed it.

Its like business. If you try and it is a failure. Get the heck out. Let the people who talk, talk. THey dont live your life.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

I have been married about 2 months now to a foreigner who was here on a work-exhcange visa, which expired right before we got married. We were friends during his entire visa stay, but we only dated 1 1/2 mo before marrying. He is still living with me in the U.S. at my home.

My natural desire was to sponsor him to get his perminent residence here, which we were on the verge of putting the application in the mail (I-485, I-130, I-864, I-765, etc...). But some things have happened since we got married, which increasingly got worse, that make me feel unsure about sponsoring him (extreme emotional abuse, control, cutting me off from my friends/family, sleep deprevation..etc... and phsyical restraints... never hit me though..at least not 'yet'). I had discussed/argued with him about the way he was treating me and told him that I didn't feel comfortable/safe with it. He said he would stop, but kept doing it. It all came to a breaking point a week and a half ago, when I was ready to leave the marriage due to all of this(and buy him a flight back to his country). I finally called my family to help me. My friends and family tell me to get out of the relationship now... but after 4 days of separating (I spent the time at my family's house) he is promising to change, etc.. and seems very genuine. I have been back with him for a week now, and we have seen a marriage counselor (who seems good) twice, and I am getting personal counseling as well. His intentions seem genuine...but how can I judge at this point?

I think he loves me... it is believable from what he says now and how he has acted this last week... but I have had my doubts, since marrying, about what his true intentions were in marrying me. I believed that we both loved each other. He always acted very hurt if I brought up questions/concerns addressing the possibility that his intentions weren't purely due to his love for me.

My fear in sponsoring him is due to the financial responsibility I would be agreeing to in the affidavit of support until he becomes a U.S. citizen....and then having things not work out in the marriage (this is not my hope)...and then me still being stuck with the responsibility of ensuring I maintain him at an above povertly income level to ensure he doesn't go on public assistance, etc...

My dilema is that if we do work on this marriage and stay together... I will want him to be here legally and able to work, but I don't want it to be due to him knowing he can get his perm. residence through me. As it is, his J-1 visa is expired. He was living with me (rather than returning to his country) until we could get the application mailed in, which I've read elsewhere that although technically it is illegal, usually it isn't a problem to get the perm. residence approved (as long as he didn't overstay his visa 180+ days). So he can't have a driver's license in my state, no permission to work, etc... Even looked into the possibility of him going to school as an international student but was told since his visa was expired, and he wasn't in his home country, that they couldn't apply for the student visa.

He says he wants to stay with me, and work on the marriage. He says he is willing to change. I love him, but don't want to end up in an abusive relationship. I hear it is more difficult to leave the longer you stay. I want more time to determine whether or not to sponsor him, to determine whether or not his promises are genuine and true. I also need more time to make sure my decisions are wise (since looking back I wasn't so wise to marry him so quickly, but I can't change that now).

In the meantime, I want him to be able to stay legally somehow (so I don't have this pressure to sponsor him), and be able to do normal things like work (legally). I don't want to feel obligated to financially sponsor him b/c now I feel unsafe doing so...and don't want to be financially obligated (by the U.S. gvmt) to a man who may end up being my x-husband if he reverts back to this controlling/abusive behavior. I want to know if there is any way that he can be here legally? even as a non-immigrant? (I know he could be sponsored to be a Perm. Res. by an Employer, but he has no degree completed yet). Is there some other kind of visa I do not know about that he could apply for while living in the U.S. married to a U.S. citizen? Without the intention to be a permanent resident? I read about the K-3 visa...but we would have to send him back home, then bring him back here again...and that could be renewed annually, but I'd still have to provide the affidavit of support??? This doesn't seem to be any better an option than the first. Is there an agency out there that may help with getting him sponsored by an employer, and placing him in a job, even though he doesn't have a degree (the skilled worker option???) and his visa is already expired.

Someone please offer some good advice.... I have good people helping me in the emotional dept. etc... but on top of the marrital issues there is this sponsorship/legal #######, which most people do not know about. I want to know that if he is working on things with me that it is because he loves me and wants to be with me...not so he can use me to get perm. residence. I'm trying to do things right and legal (which is why he isn't driving nor working).

Thanks.

How savvy is this husband? I ask because refusal to submit adjustment of status applications can be used by the alien to claim the US citizen spouse is the abuser. You *could* potentially be caught in a Catch 22 if he is as sly as he is disrespectful. I'd speak with a qualified immigration attorney to evaluate your options.

[spiritgirl 0]

How savvy is this husband? I ask because refusal to submit adjustment of status applications can be used by the alien to claim the US citizen spouse is the abuser. You *could* potentially be caught in a Catch 22 if he is as sly as he is disrespectful. I'd speak with a qualified immigration attorney to evaluate your options.

Thanks Mermaid....but the whole reason I have even considered getting out of this marriage and not sponsoring him is BECAUSE HE has been abusive towards me. This isn't about me manipulating him.... it is about me staying safe. Perhaps you are right that he could manipulate the situation to his interest, and make me seem in the wrong b/c I have changed my mind about filing (abusers tend to have a charm and ability to convince outsiders that they are angels). I happen to see an immigration attorny today, and I will ask him just this. Thanks for the heads up.