Married 2 mo ago, but not sure I want to sponsor him now

[Yodrak 7]

Kathryn,

Congratulations for recognizing that 10 years is not correct. Let me add some further points of clarification:

- Actually, there are 5 or 6 conditions, depending on how one counts them, that could end the support obligation. The others are:

d) the sponsored alien dies,

e) the sponsor dies and the estate is settled, and

f) the sponsored alien goes into removal procedings and obtains a new grant of adjustment based on a different affidavit of support, if required.

- obtaining 40 quarters of employment can also take less than 10 years, perhaps as few a 5 years, if the alien can be credited with their spouse's quarters as well as their own.

Yodrak

.....

Another clarification - the AOS affidavid of support is not for 10 years - it is until one of 3 conditions occur: a) the sponsored individual becomes a US citizen the sponsored individual obtains 40 quarters of employment with SS benefits which usually equals 10 years but can be considerably longer - or never if the individual does not work, or c) the individual gives up their permanent residency by leaving the country for good.

.....

[diadromous mermaid 36]

or quarters earned by parents if alien is under 18 .....

Kathryn,

Congratulations for recognizing that 10 years is not correct. Let me add some further points of clarification:

- Actually, there are 5 or 6 conditions, depending on how one counts them, that could end the support obligation. The others are:

d) the sponsored alien dies,

e) the sponsor dies and the estate is settled, and

f) the sponsored alien goes into removal procedings and obtains a new grant of adjustment based on a different affidavit of support, if required.

- obtaining 40 quarters of employment can also take less than 10 years, perhaps as few a 5 years, if the alien can be credited with their spouse's quarters as well as their own.

Yodrak

[freecake 0]

Don't do it!!!!!!!

This is my less than humble opinion - there are many many other 'fish in the sea;' wonderful men who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. men who will not abuse you. Why waste the time, effort, emotional strain, money, paperwork, headache, heartache, on a man who is controlling and ruining your life after a couple of months being together??

usually the beginning of relationships are peachy perfect but here you are a few months in and it sounds like complete he__.

I would not waste my time and find someone much more deserving.......

[simple_male 1]

How savvy is this husband? I ask because refusal to submit adjustment of status applications can be used by the alien to claim the US citizen spouse is the abuser. You *could* potentially be caught in a Catch 22 if he is as sly as he is disrespectful. I'd speak with a qualified immigration attorney to evaluate your options.

Thanks Mermaid....but the whole reason I have even considered getting out of this marriage and not sponsoring him is BECAUSE HE has been abusive towards me. This isn't about me manipulating him.... it is about me staying safe. Perhaps you are right that he could manipulate the situation to his interest, and make me seem in the wrong b/c I have changed my mind about filing (abusers tend to have a charm and ability to convince outsiders that they are angels). I happen to see an immigration attorny today, and I will ask him just this. Thanks for the heads up.

From your post, I think, it is better for you not to get involve with his immigration. Don't file anything and stay away from him.

[j-manu 0]

You mentioned that he is here on a J-1 visa. Must J-1 visa require a person to return to there home country for two years and getting married here to a USC will not change that.

Also, getting married 1-1/2 weeks before the visa expires will raise a lot of questions as to - visa fraud.

Good luck.

[Magnolia31 0]

I have been married about 2 months now to a foreigner who was here on a work-exhcange visa, which expired right before we got married. We were friends during his entire visa stay, but we only dated 1 1/2 mo before marrying. He is still living with me in the U.S. at my home.

My natural desire was to sponsor him to get his perminent residence here, which we were on the verge of putting the application in the mail (I-485, I-130, I-864, I-765, etc...). But some things have happened since we got married, which increasingly got worse, that make me feel unsure about sponsoring him (extreme emotional abuse, control, cutting me off from my friends/family, sleep deprevation..etc... and phsyical restraints... never hit me though..at least not 'yet'). I had discussed/argued with him about the way he was treating me and told him that I didn't feel comfortable/safe with it. He said he would stop, but kept doing it. It all came to a breaking point a week and a half ago, when I was ready to leave the marriage due to all of this(and buy him a flight back to his country). I finally called my family to help me. My friends and family tell me to get out of the relationship now... but after 4 days of separating (I spent the time at my family's house) he is promising to change, etc.. and seems very genuine. I have been back with him for a week now, and we have seen a marriage counselor (who seems good) twice, and I am getting personal counseling as well. His intentions seem genuine...but how can I judge at this point?

I think he loves me... it is believable from what he says now and how he has acted this last week... but I have had my doubts, since marrying, about what his true intentions were in marrying me. I believed that we both loved each other. He always acted very hurt if I brought up questions/concerns addressing the possibility that his intentions weren't purely due to his love for me.

My fear in sponsoring him is due to the financial responsibility I would be agreeing to in the affidavit of support until he becomes a U.S. citizen....and then having things not work out in the marriage (this is not my hope)...and then me still being stuck with the responsibility of ensuring I maintain him at an above povertly income level to ensure he doesn't go on public assistance, etc...

My dilema is that if we do work on this marriage and stay together... I will want him to be here legally and able to work, but I don't want it to be due to him knowing he can get his perm. residence through me. As it is, his J-1 visa is expired. He was living with me (rather than returning to his country) until we could get the application mailed in, which I've read elsewhere that although technically it is illegal, usually it isn't a problem to get the perm. residence approved (as long as he didn't overstay his visa 180+ days). So he can't have a driver's license in my state, no permission to work, etc... Even looked into the possibility of him going to school as an international student but was told since his visa was expired, and he wasn't in his home country, that they couldn't apply for the student visa.

He says he wants to stay with me, and work on the marriage. He says he is willing to change. I love him, but don't want to end up in an abusive relationship. I hear it is more difficult to leave the longer you stay. I want more time to determine whether or not to sponsor him, to determine whether or not his promises are genuine and true. I also need more time to make sure my decisions are wise (since looking back I wasn't so wise to marry him so quickly, but I can't change that now).

In the meantime, I want him to be able to stay legally somehow (so I don't have this pressure to sponsor him), and be able to do normal things like work (legally). I don't want to feel obligated to financially sponsor him b/c now I feel unsafe doing so...and don't want to be financially obligated (by the U.S. gvmt) to a man who may end up being my x-husband if he reverts back to this controlling/abusive behavior. I want to know if there is any way that he can be here legally? even as a non-immigrant? (I know he could be sponsored to be a Perm. Res. by an Employer, but he has no degree completed yet). Is there some other kind of visa I do not know about that he could apply for while living in the U.S. married to a U.S. citizen? Without the intention to be a permanent resident? I read about the K-3 visa...but we would have to send him back home, then bring him back here again...and that could be renewed annually, but I'd still have to provide the affidavit of support??? This doesn't seem to be any better an option than the first. Is there an agency out there that may help with getting him sponsored by an employer, and placing him in a job, even though he doesn't have a degree (the skilled worker option???) and his visa is already expired.

Someone please offer some good advice.... I have good people helping me in the emotional dept. etc... but on top of the marrital issues there is this sponsorship/legal #######, which most people do not know about. I want to know that if he is working on things with me that it is because he loves me and wants to be with me...not so he can use me to get perm. residence. I'm trying to do things right and legal (which is why he isn't driving nor working).

Thanks.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I don't know what to tell you but I can tell you with 100% certainty that he will not change. Oh, I am sure he is genuine and I am positive that he is being sincere when he tells you he will change but the truth is, he has no control over it. There is something wrong with him and the problem is not something that he can fix on his own. I am telling you, as God is my witness, the only chance he has for change is with professional help. And even with professional help, there is no guarantee.

I have been through the exact same thing and I almost died for this so called man who told me time and time again that he would change. He was always very genuine too and I was naive and believed him. When i finally realized that he was not going to change because he just didn't know how, I left him. He ended up taking me into the El Paso desert, made me get out the car, start walking, and then he made me count to 100 because he did not want me to know when he was going to shoot me. After torturing me with his shooting game, he made me get back in the car. He then drove me to his house, handcuffed me to the bed and raped me for 2 days until one night, he fell asleep with the keys on his chest and I was able to grap the handcuff key with my free right hand. I unlocked the handcuffs and ran out of there naked.

Please do not wait around for him to change. Even though he has not hit you yet, be prepared just incase he will one day. This just breaks my heart! I usually do not post personal stuff about my life like this but I felt compelled to do so. I just could not resist the urge.

[Bobbie 1]

I have been married about 2 months now to a foreigner who was here on a work-exhcange visa, which expired right before we got married. We were friends during his entire visa stay, but we only dated 1 1/2 mo before marrying. He is still living with me in the U.S. at my home.

My natural desire was to sponsor him to get his perminent residence here, which we were on the verge of putting the application in the mail (I-485, I-130, I-864, I-765, etc...). But some things have happened since we got married, which increasingly got worse, that make me feel unsure about sponsoring him (extreme emotional abuse, control, cutting me off from my friends/family, sleep deprevation..etc... and phsyical restraints... never hit me though..at least not 'yet'). I had discussed/argued with him about the way he was treating me and told him that I didn't feel comfortable/safe with it. He said he would stop, but kept doing it. It all came to a breaking point a week and a half ago, when I was ready to leave the marriage due to all of this(and buy him a flight back to his country). I finally called my family to help me. My friends and family tell me to get out of the relationship now... but after 4 days of separating (I spent the time at my family's house) he is promising to change, etc.. and seems very genuine. I have been back with him for a week now, and we have seen a marriage counselor (who seems good) twice, and I am getting personal counseling as well. His intentions seem genuine...but how can I judge at this point?

I think he loves me... it is believable from what he says now and how he has acted this last week... but I have had my doubts, since marrying, about what his true intentions were in marrying me. I believed that we both loved each other. He always acted very hurt if I brought up questions/concerns addressing the possibility that his intentions weren't purely due to his love for me.

My fear in sponsoring him is due to the financial responsibility I would be agreeing to in the affidavit of support until he becomes a U.S. citizen....and then having things not work out in the marriage (this is not my hope)...and then me still being stuck with the responsibility of ensuring I maintain him at an above povertly income level to ensure he doesn't go on public assistance, etc...

My dilema is that if we do work on this marriage and stay together... I will want him to be here legally and able to work, but I don't want it to be due to him knowing he can get his perm. residence through me. As it is, his J-1 visa is expired. He was living with me (rather than returning to his country) until we could get the application mailed in, which I've read elsewhere that although technically it is illegal, usually it isn't a problem to get the perm. residence approved (as long as he didn't overstay his visa 180+ days). So he can't have a driver's license in my state, no permission to work, etc... Even looked into the possibility of him going to school as an international student but was told since his visa was expired, and he wasn't in his home country, that they couldn't apply for the student visa.

He says he wants to stay with me, and work on the marriage. He says he is willing to change. I love him, but don't want to end up in an abusive relationship. I hear it is more difficult to leave the longer you stay. I want more time to determine whether or not to sponsor him, to determine whether or not his promises are genuine and true. I also need more time to make sure my decisions are wise (since looking back I wasn't so wise to marry him so quickly, but I can't change that now).

In the meantime, I want him to be able to stay legally somehow (so I don't have this pressure to sponsor him), and be able to do normal things like work (legally). I don't want to feel obligated to financially sponsor him b/c now I feel unsafe doing so...and don't want to be financially obligated (by the U.S. gvmt) to a man who may end up being my x-husband if he reverts back to this controlling/abusive behavior. I want to know if there is any way that he can be here legally? even as a non-immigrant? (I know he could be sponsored to be a Perm. Res. by an Employer, but he has no degree completed yet). Is there some other kind of visa I do not know about that he could apply for while living in the U.S. married to a U.S. citizen? Without the intention to be a permanent resident? I read about the K-3 visa...but we would have to send him back home, then bring him back here again...and that could be renewed annually, but I'd still have to provide the affidavit of support??? This doesn't seem to be any better an option than the first. Is there an agency out there that may help with getting him sponsored by an employer, and placing him in a job, even though he doesn't have a degree (the skilled worker option???) and his visa is already expired.

Someone please offer some good advice.... I have good people helping me in the emotional dept. etc... but on top of the marrital issues there is this sponsorship/legal #######, which most people do not know about. I want to know that if he is working on things with me that it is because he loves me and wants to be with me...not so he can use me to get perm. residence. I'm trying to do things right and legal (which is why he isn't driving nor working).

Thanks.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I don't know what to tell you but I can tell you with 100% certainty that he will not change. Oh, I am sure he is genuine and I am positive that he is being sincere when he tells you he will change but the truth is, he has no control over it. There is something wrong with him and the problem is not something that he can fix on his own. I am telling you, as God is my witness, the only chance he has for change is with professional help. And even with professional help, there is no guarantee.

I have been through the exact same thing and I almost died for this so called man who told me time and time again that he would change. He was always very genuine too and I was naive and believed him. When i finally realized that he was not going to change because he just didn't know how, I left him. He ended up taking me into the El Paso desert, made me get out the car, start walking, and then he made me count to 100 because he did not want me to know when he was going to shoot me. After torturing me with his shooting game, he made me get back in the car. He then drove me to his house, handcuffed me to the bed and raped me for 2 days until one night, he fell asleep with the keys on his chest and I was able to grap the handcuff key with my free right hand. I unlocked the handcuffs and ran out of there naked.

Please do not wait around for him to change. Even though he has not hit you yet, be prepared just incase he will one day. This just breaks my heart! I usually do not post personal stuff about my life like this but I felt compelled to do so. I just could not resist the urge.

You are very brave to share that, in an effort to help this woman. I hope she realizes this and takes it to heart.

I am very glad you survived, and now, you thrive!

Bobbie

[Magnolia31 0]

Please someone correct me if I am wrong, BUT:

As far as I understand, you can file for AOS for/with him and declare you sponsor him. Though I believe, if during the whole process (which will take several months anyway) something happens that makes you want to not sponsor him any longer, you can stop the AOS process, which would stop your responsibility as a sponsor. Plus, if you file for AOS an EAD, he will be able to work soon, gives him something to do other than getting at you.

Yea, that's what I would do if youreally want to give your marriage a shot....

After that there are two options: He stays in the US illegally (since then he is on overstay) or he goes back to his homecountry.

If he leaves the US, I'd definitley get a divorce before he leaves.

I understand you want him to become a LPR, but really, I think your pysical and mental health have priority over this. And yes, it kinda sounds like he found the perfect woman to marry just for the greencard.

Maybe read some topics in the forum for drastic changes in the family/relationship situation, there are many people with similar problems....

Good luck with everything!

I thought that too. I thought there was a 2 year time limit. I have no clue where I got this from. I may just have dug this out of my butt thinking I read it on here. LOL

[Magnolia31 0]

Very risky. He is your husband you will fill AOS for, and (maybe i am wrong), you will be responsible for him for I think 2 years after. And what if he dont give you divorce later. Especially if you have same mortgage together and joint account.

There is no way that he "won't give her a divorce later". You can always get a divorce. If a person refuses to sign, the process will just cost a bit more money and take a bit longer. Trust me, I know! LOL ;-)

oof. DO NOT GO FURTHER. Why waste the money, the energy and the resources to sponsor someone who is already acting this way? You've been married a mere 2 months and he's acting like this? Not a good sign for the rest of your life.

Think of it this way...if you send off the AOS package for him and sign that you will be his sponsor...you're responsible for being his source of income. You are even more legally bonded to him and it will be very, very difficult to divorce.

Take a week away if you can. Really think about how life will be with him. Think of how long of a process it will be with someone who is abusive (hell, it's a long, stressful process with someone who is supportive and caring.) Think of how many hundreds, if not thousands of dollars will be spent to keep him.

Add it up. It doesn't sound like he's worth it. Count your loses and move on.

Just a question - not trying to be mean or funny but, why does everyone think it is so difficult to get a divorce here? It's really not that hard.

[Magnolia31 0]

Very risky. He is your husband you will fill AOS for, and (maybe i am wrong), you will be responsible for him for I think 2 years after. And what if he dont give you divorce later. Especially if you have same mortgage together and joint account.

She will be responsible for TEN years.

Misinformation really does nothing to help this situation.

To the OP - honestly, I'm a hard-### independent woman so this may just be me, BUT: why worry about how he can stay here legally? If you're having doubts like this and he's abusive - get out. Don't worry about how he can stay here legally (and I'm not sure he can). If it were me, I'd get a divorce and let him worry about himself. If he chooses to stay here illegally (which he probably will), or decides to return to his country, who cares? A lot of people will try to get their ex-wife/husband deported, but that wouldn't be so important as ridding myself of the toxic waste. (That said, even if you do report him to ICE if the marriage indeed fails, they generally don't do too much about it. I think they're more into big raids and all that - generates more news so it looks like they're doing their jobs, but who knows with our immigration situation as it is in this country.)

If he's treating you as you've detailed in your postings, you owe him NOTHING. So I wouldn't sign that affadavit of support so he can file the I-485 if I were you ... because then you may owe a lot of somethings.

Already in fiancee visa, i-134 puts responsibility, as I remember for 3 years. And there is even penalties about disabilities, so he can break leg and you will be his income. Sorry if sounds rude.

The I-134 is irrelevant, he was on a J-1 visa.

As I said, irrelevant misinformation helps the OP none.

I thought it was 2 years too. I swear, I read that somewhere. When my mother was a legal resident still, she was married for only 5 years, then divorced. Her husband was no longer responsible for her. I'm confused. Can you tel me where I can find the ten year thing?

[Magnolia31 0]

Just a point of clarification - a K-3 is not a fiance visa - it is a spousal visa. The OP and her husband are not eligible for a fiance visa as they are already married. As well, different consulates have differing requirements for the financial support - some do use the I-134, the others use the much more stringent affidavit of support required for the AOS (I don't recall the form number, I'm sorry, but it is listed in the Guides).

Another clarification - the AOS affidavid of support is not for 10 years - it is until one of 3 conditions occur: a) the sponsored individual becomes a US citizen B) the sponsored individual obtains 40 quarters of employment with SS benefits which usually equals 10 years but can be considerably longer - or never if the individual does not work, or c) the individual gives up their permanent residency by leaving the country for good.

You are facing a challenging dilemna because your emotions are involved. This is your husband and you want to make things work, but you are seeing distressing symptoms that all is not well with this relationship and it may never be well. Anyone who has ever been in an abused relationship will tell you that the abuser almost always apologizes for the abuse and promises not to do it again. They may even succeed in behaving for a few weeks or even a few months. But that is all. The patten of abuse is very deeply ingrained into their personality and requires serious counselling to combat. Time will often prove whether they will succeed in keeping their promise or not.

But you need time to know and immigration makes time a scarcity. I know you want him here legally but what I would advise doing is not to submit the AOS application yet, if ever. Give yourself that time to see if he will work hard enough to keep that promise. It is unlikely USCIS will come after him over the next few months, and if you do decide to proceed, any overstay he incurs will be forgiven. It will mean that he won't be able to work and that will be a challenge. See if he is willing to volunteer somewhere to keep himself occupied. Let him know that he needs to provide this proof that he can keep his promise to change, that love is not enough. If he succeeds and you get half a year from now and he shows every evidence of keeping his promise, then consider again if you want to proceed with the AOS and its virtually lifetime commitments of support. If he fails to keep his word, then you have given him enough opportunity to change and he has not. Let him know you will not be submitting the Affidavid of Support for his AOS. From what you have described I think within that time you will have seen enough evidence to realize what decision you need to make.

In the meantime keep in close contact with your family and friends and if you even feel the slightest bit concerned for your safety or well-being, leave him, leave the house, leave everything and go where you are safe. You will know then that he is unlikely ever to change, and you can take whatever steps are necessary to separate your lives. It is not your responsibility to give him the means to stay in the US. Good luck.

Here's another man's perspective: Spirit, dear lady, the same posts are appearing over and over again, with the same advice. The attached is one of the best ones I have seen so far, and I am still browsing this thread. What does this tell you???

You are thinking with your heart. Don't. That is what your BRAIN is for. I was in an abusive relationship myself at the end of my previous marriage (yes, it happens to guys too....when the thought process is through the HEART). My family and friends were telling me one thing, all I could think about was "saving my marriage". My father had to threaten to disown me if I went back to her. I was too close to the situation to be able to SEE. Years later I look back and say "what was I THINKING??? She had moved IN with her BOYFRIEND for gawd's sake!" This is where YOU are, you are too close to the situation.

Do take the advice of all these good people. It would not be repeated again and again in so many ways if it was NOT solid. LISTEN to your family. Listen to your friends (which includes those at VJ here). I myself found being alone can be bad, but NOT being alone could be worse.

Good luck

Tom

Gosh, I am sorry you went through that. I am glad you posted about it because these days, you rarely hear about women abusers but they are out there! My mother was abusive. I can recall her hitting my dad over the head with frying pans, plates, etc. It was scary.

[Magnolia31 0]

I have been married about 2 months now to a foreigner who was here on a work-exhcange visa, which expired right before we got married. We were friends during his entire visa stay, but we only dated 1 1/2 mo before marrying. He is still living with me in the U.S. at my home.

My natural desire was to sponsor him to get his perminent residence here, which we were on the verge of putting the application in the mail (I-485, I-130, I-864, I-765, etc...). But some things have happened since we got married, which increasingly got worse, that make me feel unsure about sponsoring him (extreme emotional abuse, control, cutting me off from my friends/family, sleep deprevation..etc... and phsyical restraints... never hit me though..at least not 'yet'). I had discussed/argued with him about the way he was treating me and told him that I didn't feel comfortable/safe with it. He said he would stop, but kept doing it. It all came to a breaking point a week and a half ago, when I was ready to leave the marriage due to all of this(and buy him a flight back to his country). I finally called my family to help me. My friends and family tell me to get out of the relationship now... but after 4 days of separating (I spent the time at my family's house) he is promising to change, etc.. and seems very genuine. I have been back with him for a week now, and we have seen a marriage counselor (who seems good) twice, and I am getting personal counseling as well. His intentions seem genuine...but how can I judge at this point?

I think he loves me... it is believable from what he says now and how he has acted this last week... but I have had my doubts, since marrying, about what his true intentions were in marrying me. I believed that we both loved each other. He always acted very hurt if I brought up questions/concerns addressing the possibility that his intentions weren't purely due to his love for me.

My fear in sponsoring him is due to the financial responsibility I would be agreeing to in the affidavit of support until he becomes a U.S. citizen....and then having things not work out in the marriage (this is not my hope)...and then me still being stuck with the responsibility of ensuring I maintain him at an above povertly income level to ensure he doesn't go on public assistance, etc...

My dilema is that if we do work on this marriage and stay together... I will want him to be here legally and able to work, but I don't want it to be due to him knowing he can get his perm. residence through me. As it is, his J-1 visa is expired. He was living with me (rather than returning to his country) until we could get the application mailed in, which I've read elsewhere that although technically it is illegal, usually it isn't a problem to get the perm. residence approved (as long as he didn't overstay his visa 180+ days). So he can't have a driver's license in my state, no permission to work, etc... Even looked into the possibility of him going to school as an international student but was told since his visa was expired, and he wasn't in his home country, that they couldn't apply for the student visa.

He says he wants to stay with me, and work on the marriage. He says he is willing to change. I love him, but don't want to end up in an abusive relationship. I hear it is more difficult to leave the longer you stay. I want more time to determine whether or not to sponsor him, to determine whether or not his promises are genuine and true. I also need more time to make sure my decisions are wise (since looking back I wasn't so wise to marry him so quickly, but I can't change that now).

In the meantime, I want him to be able to stay legally somehow (so I don't have this pressure to sponsor him), and be able to do normal things like work (legally). I don't want to feel obligated to financially sponsor him b/c now I feel unsafe doing so...and don't want to be financially obligated (by the U.S. gvmt) to a man who may end up being my x-husband if he reverts back to this controlling/abusive behavior. I want to know if there is any way that he can be here legally? even as a non-immigrant? (I know he could be sponsored to be a Perm. Res. by an Employer, but he has no degree completed yet). Is there some other kind of visa I do not know about that he could apply for while living in the U.S. married to a U.S. citizen? Without the intention to be a permanent resident? I read about the K-3 visa...but we would have to send him back home, then bring him back here again...and that could be renewed annually, but I'd still have to provide the affidavit of support??? This doesn't seem to be any better an option than the first. Is there an agency out there that may help with getting him sponsored by an employer, and placing him in a job, even though he doesn't have a degree (the skilled worker option???) and his visa is already expired.

Someone please offer some good advice.... I have good people helping me in the emotional dept. etc... but on top of the marrital issues there is this sponsorship/legal #######, which most people do not know about. I want to know that if he is working on things with me that it is because he loves me and wants to be with me...not so he can use me to get perm. residence. I'm trying to do things right and legal (which is why he isn't driving nor working).

Thanks.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I don't know what to tell you but I can tell you with 100% certainty that he will not change. Oh, I am sure he is genuine and I am positive that he is being sincere when he tells you he will change but the truth is, he has no control over it. There is something wrong with him and the problem is not something that he can fix on his own. I am telling you, as God is my witness, the only chance he has for change is with professional help. And even with professional help, there is no guarantee.

I have been through the exact same thing and I almost died for this so called man who told me time and time again that he would change. He was always very genuine too and I was naive and believed him. When i finally realized that he was not going to change because he just didn't know how, I left him. He ended up taking me into the El Paso desert, made me get out the car, start walking, and then he made me count to 100 because he did not want me to know when he was going to shoot me. After torturing me with his shooting game, he made me get back in the car. He then drove me to his house, handcuffed me to the bed and raped me for 2 days until one night, he fell asleep with the keys on his chest and I was able to grap the handcuff key with my free right hand. I unlocked the handcuffs and ran out of there naked.

Please do not wait around for him to change. Even though he has not hit you yet, be prepared just incase he will one day. This just breaks my heart! I usually do not post personal stuff about my life like this but I felt compelled to do so. I just could not resist the urge.

You are very brave to share that, in an effort to help this woman. I hope she realizes this and takes it to heart.

I am very glad you survived, and now, you thrive!

Bobbie

Thank you. It's just all too familiar. It starts off with verbal abuse, then the isolation phase, and then everything else the OP mentioned. And before you know it, you are with a control freak who will beat you just because he feels like it. It's so sad. I hope she decides not to file the papers.

[spiritgirl 0]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I don't know what to tell you but I can tell you with 100% certainty that he will not change. Oh, I am sure he is genuine and I am positive that he is being sincere when he tells you he will change but the truth is, he has no control over it. There is something wrong with him and the problem is not something that he can fix on his own. I am telling you, as God is my witness, the only chance he has for change is with professional help. And even with professional help, there is no guarantee.

I have been through the exact same thing and I almost died for this so called man who told me time and time again that he would change. He was always very genuine too and I was naive and believed him. When i finally realized that he was not going to change because he just didn't know how, I left him. He ended up taking me into the El Paso desert, made me get out the car, start walking, and then he made me count to 100 because he did not want me to know when he was going to shoot me. After torturing me with his shooting game, he made me get back in the car. He then drove me to his house, handcuffed me to the bed and raped me for 2 days until one night, he fell asleep with the keys on his chest and I was able to grap the handcuff key with my free right hand. I unlocked the handcuffs and ran out of there naked.

Please do not wait around for him to change. Even though he has not hit you yet, be prepared just incase he will one day. This just breaks my heart! I usually do not post personal stuff about my life like this but I felt compelled to do so. I just could not resist the urge.

Magnolia,

Thanks for your post. I hope that this man has had some major intervention so he is not able to do this again. I am so sorry that you had to go through that..... and thank you for opening up that way. I do take this to heart and have been doing my best to listen to my friends and family (and the VJ folks) the past couple of weeks. (It is time to listen now). As one of my dear friends told me today (when I was telling her I'm worried about making another big mistake.... the most recent one being getting married so quickly) she said the big mistake this time would be not getting out of this marriage. She is normally not the type of person to encourage divorce at all - but she has been my backbone in this and has helped me to realize that the way he is treating me is just plain wrong and that this is not what God's plan for marriage is. I DO NOT want to be broken down anymore (although he has been "nice" the last two weeks - although we have had some arguments). I do not want to live with an abusive husband (even if it is emotional or psycological) and I surely don't want to have kids with him if I can help it.

Ok - so I'm sure most of you want an update... I asked him for a separation last night. I needed to leave at one point to get some air/space. He was blocking the front door with both arms (walked around the house trying to block me from entering each room). I grabbed the door handle, ready to go. he didn't move...so I said "On the count of three you will move away from the door and let me out"....and by 2 he moved. Out in the car, I ran out and locked the doors. He ran out after me to the passenger side window... I rolled the window down 10" or so...and he stuck his hand in the door and unlocked it.... I yelled at him to get out and to shut the door. He did...but tried to get in the car and sit down again in the passenger seat later. I Did the counting thing again.... He shut it, and I told him I was going to lock it and that he was going to leave it locked. He did. He begged for more time to talk to me...said he needed to keep talking to me. I told him I'd be back in an hour when the bookstore closed. He asked for 1 more minute (to beg basically).... 2 minutes later I told him to back away from the car b/c I was going to leave. I called before I came home. He had talked to his mom...and seemed to have calmed down. If he hadn't I was going to go to a hotel room. He said we could talk about things in the morning. We slept in separate rooms that night and agreed to discuss it in the morning. So we did.... and didn't get much accomplished. I talked to him again on the phone today (he tried to convince me we could work it out and that he is changed....and wanted a list of reasons why I wanted the separation/divorce... and tried to paint a different picture of the past compared to the details I remember and what happened. He is going to stay with some guy friends for a few days (till he flys back?), and we are going to talk at a coffee shop tonight. I've agreed to pay for a counseling appt. with him next Tuesday with the marriage counselor. I figured it may do him some good to get some good advice from the man one last time. I trust this counselor so far.

I've consulted with two lawyers... so I feel that I know my options pretty well. I could apply for the AOS, and not show up at the interview & him not get approved. I've weighed this.... and it was an option...but only if I want to take a chance that he won't slide back into that angry controller role again. I could get him to sign a post-nup, but as long as I keep my assetts (from before the marriage) in my name, they should remain mine after a divorce anyway. Going on 2 mo. of marriage so far, the courts here are very unlikely to grant him alimony, etc.... and he 'says' that he will go back to his country (I'll purchase the ticket of course). I'm wondering though, whether I should get a legal separation, or if it matters. I know if he is out of the US that more than likely he won't attend court for the divorce. In my state, we must be separated 1 year before the divorce can occur at the courthouse. I can get the legal separation (divorce from bed and board) - if he signs the papers. Or just a plain ol' separation where we just don't live together (he'll be out of country). I'm not sure which I should do.... I guess I'll call up the lawyer for another consultation.... Any suggestions? Has anyone had to deal with this? A USC divorcing the immigrant before AOS?

Just want to say thanks for everyone's opinions. Although there is a chance that he can change... I hope that he can find the right help in Argentina. He's already been pointed in the right direction by counselors, friends, and a very unhappy wife here in the states. I told him he better not treat his next wife, or girlfriend this way. The next time he does that he has no excuse - I hope there is not a next time.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Bravo for you! What an adult and brave decision you have made. You are handling things well. I don't have any advice about the divorce and separation, but you should get the information you need from your lawyer. The best of luck to you moving through this and getting it all behind you. And I am sorry that he didn't turn out to be the man you thought he was.

[spiritgirl 0]

I thought it was 2 years too. I swear, I read that somewhere. When my mother was a legal resident still, she was married for only 5 years, then divorced. Her husband was no longer responsible for her. I'm confused. Can you tel me where I can find the ten year thing?

Hi,

The 10 year thing is coming from the I-864 form that the sponsor has to file. The instructions say that you are financially responsible for the immigrant until certain things happen. Either until they become a U.S. citizen, they leave the country voluntarily - giving up their perm. res. status, or they complete 40 quarters of work (paying towards Social Security). The 40 quarters of work is what is approx. = 10 years. It can take less or more time than that though. There is a 2 year conditional residency, but I know that even in the case of a divorce that there are some ways that the immigrant can still file on his/her own - even if the spouse doesn't file jointly (90 days before the 2 year anniv. of filing the AOS) to lift the conditions. I'm fuzzy on those details though. Hope this helps. You can check out www.uscis.gov and open the actual PDF documents for the forms...and find out some of these details. For instance, in the case of a spouse sponsoring the immigrant, the I-485 application for Adj. of Status, requires that the spouse fill out an I-130 and an I-864. That is in the instructions of the I-485. So, then from there - I go read I-864...and it gives more details as to what is required of the spouse, by filing that form.