Married 2 mo ago, but not sure I want to sponsor him now

[Twomoles 8]

His visa expired. To get new visa he needs to go home. And come back as your spouse. If he stays here, he adjusts his status. If he adjust his status, someone has to be responsible for him. And who will want this kinda responsibility, what even government don't want. Probably none, except you.

[elgringo 0]

I think you know what you need to do, but your emotions are stopping you from doing it....

[taurean 0]

His visa expired. To get new visa he needs to go home. And come back as your spouse. If he stays here, he adjusts his status. If he adjust his status, someone has to be responsible for him. And who will want this kinda responsibility, what even government don't want. Probably none, except you.

This post breaks the situation down pretty succintly IMO. Given the facts, you have to decide yourself if you want to be on the hook for him when you are not sure he will really change.

[Misty1979 0]

I agree that the risk is definetely not worth it to keep this man with you in order to give him another chance to change. If he loved you, he would not be hurting you like this.

But as you said, you already have lots of good help for the emotional side of things here, so I'll stay out of that.

If I remember correctly, the I-134 for the fiance visa is not a legally binding document. (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, anyone.) With that being said, you could go ahead and send him back and go through with the fiance visa, and see where things go from there.

I personally don't think it would be a wise idea though, since you may just end up going through all that trouble bringing him back to you again only to find out he hasn't changed his abusive ways.

That's just my two cents, but once he starts with the verbal abuse, it is only a matter of time before he gets physical as well. There are times in life where you need to just stop and worry about your own self preservation and leave the ones who are only going to hurt you behind. This is one of those times.

[Twomoles 8]

Already in fiancee visa, i-134 puts responsibility, as I remember for 3 years. And there is even penalties about disabilities, so he can break leg and you will be his income. Sorry if sounds rude.

[athena_ny 1]

Very risky. He is your husband you will fill AOS for, and (maybe i am wrong), you will be responsible for him for I think 2 years after. And what if he dont give you divorce later. Especially if you have same mortgage together and joint account.

She will be responsible for TEN years.

Misinformation really does nothing to help this situation.

To the OP - honestly, I'm a hard-### independent woman so this may just be me, BUT: why worry about how he can stay here legally? If you're having doubts like this and he's abusive - get out. Don't worry about how he can stay here legally (and I'm not sure he can). If it were me, I'd get a divorce and let him worry about himself. If he chooses to stay here illegally (which he probably will), or decides to return to his country, who cares? A lot of people will try to get their ex-wife/husband deported, but that wouldn't be so important as ridding myself of the toxic waste. (That said, even if you do report him to ICE if the marriage indeed fails, they generally don't do too much about it. I think they're more into big raids and all that - generates more news so it looks like they're doing their jobs, but who knows with our immigration situation as it is in this country.)

If he's treating you as you've detailed in your postings, you owe him NOTHING. So I wouldn't sign that affadavit of support so he can file the I-485 if I were you ... because then you may owe a lot of somethings.

Already in fiancee visa, i-134 puts responsibility, as I remember for 3 years. And there is even penalties about disabilities, so he can break leg and you will be his income. Sorry if sounds rude.

The I-134 is irrelevant, he was on a J-1 visa.

As I said, irrelevant misinformation helps the OP none.

[Twomoles 8]

Very risky. He is your husband you will fill AOS for, and (maybe i am wrong), you will be responsible for him for I think 2 years after. And what if he dont give you divorce later. Especially if you have same mortgage together and joint account.

She will be responsible for TEN years.

Misinformation really does nothing to help this situation.

To the OP - honestly, I'm a hard-### independent woman so this may just be me, BUT: why worry about how he can stay here legally? If you're having doubts like this and he's abusive - get out. Don't worry about how he can stay here legally (and I'm not sure he can). If it were me, I'd get a divorce and let him worry about himself. If he chooses to stay here illegally (which he probably will), or decides to return to his country, who cares? A lot of people will try to get their ex-wife/husband deported, but that wouldn't be so important as ridding myself of the toxic waste. (That said, even if you do report him to ICE if the marriage indeed fails, they generally don't do too much about it. I think they're more into big raids and all that - generates more news so it looks like they're doing their jobs, but who knows with our immigration situation as it is in this country.)

If he's treating you as you've detailed in your postings, you owe him NOTHING. So I wouldn't sign that affadavit of support so he can file the I-485 if I were you ... because then you may owe a lot of somethings.

Already in fiancee visa, i-134 puts responsibility, as I remember for 3 years. And there is even penalties about disabilities, so he can break leg and you will be his income. Sorry if sounds rude.

The I-134 is irrelevant, he was on a J-1 visa.

As I said, irrelevant misinformation helps the OP none.

About AOS, didn't I said I might be wrong? The point is that there is responsibility...

Noone discuss here on what visa he was here already. There were discuss about case he goes back.

So as you said - irrelevant misinformation.

P.S. People in VJ here to share experience and give advice, not to be scolded and rebuked, you can do this with your husband if he is ok with this.

P.S.S. She isn't worried about his legally stay or throwing him away, but about loving him and trying ways of taking time and being together without involving her finances.

[Nancy2015 2]

To the OP - honestly, I'm a hard-### independent woman so this may just be me, BUT: why worry about how he can stay here legally? If you're having doubts like this and he's abusive - get out. Don't worry about how he can stay here legally (and I'm not sure he can).

I just can't agree more

Spiritgirl, there's no need for you to worry about his legal status. He can take care of himself - he's an adult. If he wants to stay in the U.S., it's for him to figure out how. You need to take care of yourself - this guy is abusive, and if he's being abusive to you after 2 months of marriage, he's only going to get worse down the road if you decide to stay with him. Please, be safe - I'm not in any position to lecture anybody on relationships, but it breaks my heart to see people trying to make an abusive relationship work. They don't work Please, just be safe.

[Misty1979 0]

Very risky. He is your husband you will fill AOS for, and (maybe i am wrong), you will be responsible for him for I think 2 years after. And what if he dont give you divorce later. Especially if you have same mortgage together and joint account.

She will be responsible for TEN years.

Misinformation really does nothing to help this situation.

To the OP - honestly, I'm a hard-### independent woman so this may just be me, BUT: why worry about how he can stay here legally? If you're having doubts like this and he's abusive - get out. Don't worry about how he can stay here legally (and I'm not sure he can). If it were me, I'd get a divorce and let him worry about himself. If he chooses to stay here illegally (which he probably will), or decides to return to his country, who cares? A lot of people will try to get their ex-wife/husband deported, but that wouldn't be so important as ridding myself of the toxic waste. (That said, even if you do report him to ICE if the marriage indeed fails, they generally don't do too much about it. I think they're more into big raids and all that - generates more news so it looks like they're doing their jobs, but who knows with our immigration situation as it is in this country.)

If he's treating you as you've detailed in your postings, you owe him NOTHING. So I wouldn't sign that affadavit of support so he can file the I-485 if I were you ... because then you may owe a lot of somethings.

Already in fiancee visa, i-134 puts responsibility, as I remember for 3 years. And there is even penalties about disabilities, so he can break leg and you will be his income. Sorry if sounds rude.

The I-134 is irrelevant, he was on a J-1 visa.

As I said, irrelevant misinformation helps the OP none.

Please read properly before you go ranting about misinformation. We were talking about the possibility of him returning to his own country then bringing him back legally on a K3 fiance visa, which would involve an I-134.

However for the sake of the OP, I really hope you do decide to seek a divorce before things escalate.

Again, best wishes in your journey. You are the only one who knows what is right for you, so I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.

Edited May 30, 2007 by Misty1979

[~krakatoa~ 27]

Girl, think it through.. weigh your emotions but within reason. Sorry to hear about what's happening with your married life. I wish you get over these concerns soon.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Just a point of clarification - a K-3 is not a fiance visa - it is a spousal visa. The OP and her husband are not eligible for a fiance visa as they are already married. As well, different consulates have differing requirements for the financial support - some do use the I-134, the others use the much more stringent affidavit of support required for the AOS (I don't recall the form number, I'm sorry, but it is listed in the Guides).

Another clarification - the AOS affidavid of support is not for 10 years - it is until one of 3 conditions occur: a) the sponsored individual becomes a US citizen B) the sponsored individual obtains 40 quarters of employment with SS benefits which usually equals 10 years but can be considerably longer - or never if the individual does not work, or c) the individual gives up their permanent residency by leaving the country for good.

You are facing a challenging dilemna because your emotions are involved. This is your husband and you want to make things work, but you are seeing distressing symptoms that all is not well with this relationship and it may never be well. Anyone who has ever been in an abused relationship will tell you that the abuser almost always apologizes for the abuse and promises not to do it again. They may even succeed in behaving for a few weeks or even a few months. But that is all. The patten of abuse is very deeply ingrained into their personality and requires serious counselling to combat. Time will often prove whether they will succeed in keeping their promise or not.

But you need time to know and immigration makes time a scarcity. I know you want him here legally but what I would advise doing is not to submit the AOS application yet, if ever. Give yourself that time to see if he will work hard enough to keep that promise. It is unlikely USCIS will come after him over the next few months, and if you do decide to proceed, any overstay he incurs will be forgiven. It will mean that he won't be able to work and that will be a challenge. See if he is willing to volunteer somewhere to keep himself occupied. Let him know that he needs to provide this proof that he can keep his promise to change, that love is not enough. If he succeeds and you get half a year from now and he shows every evidence of keeping his promise, then consider again if you want to proceed with the AOS and its virtually lifetime commitments of support. If he fails to keep his word, then you have given him enough opportunity to change and he has not. Let him know you will not be submitting the Affidavid of Support for his AOS. From what you have described I think within that time you will have seen enough evidence to realize what decision you need to make.

In the meantime keep in close contact with your family and friends and if you even feel the slightest bit concerned for your safety or well-being, leave him, leave the house, leave everything and go where you are safe. You will know then that he is unlikely ever to change, and you can take whatever steps are necessary to separate your lives. It is not your responsibility to give him the means to stay in the US. Good luck.

Edited May 31, 2007 by Kathryn41

[mozplay 28]

You said it yourself ... if you could do things over you would not have married so quickly. So why make the situation worse now by filing the AOS quickly? There is a way he can work ... he can go home to Argentina.

IF he loves you, and IF he is sincere about changing, then he should have NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER doing what is best for you and for the relationship by going home, getting the help he needs and THEN (and only then) trying to reforge a relationship with you. The distance and time will give you room to heal and think, and nothing says you can't visit if you really, really want to.

My advice would be to walk away, but I know that until someone is ready to hear that, that it will fall on deaf ears. I can understand this. So for now --- take a few steps back. Give yourself room.

All the best.

Monique

p.s.... someone gave me some advice a few years back and I thought I'd relay it here. I was asked "What makes him more important than you?" Think about it.

Edited May 31, 2007 by mozplay

[Killer_Clown_2009 0]

Get a restraining order against him. He can find his own way back to his country. He will continue to mistreat you if you get back together.

Edited May 31, 2007 by jane2005

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Yes, as Mozplay says, if he is serious about this relationship he can always go home - especially before his visa is so overstayed that he has a 3 or 10 year bar - and give you time to consider the next step. He can work and you can decide if you want to pursue a K-3 spousal visa. Give yourself some time and space so you can gain some objectivity on this situation - you do deserve it.

[Ash_Koog 0]

Your "uht oh" sensors are going off for a reason and your gut is still telling you to be careful. Men like that don't change over night for good. It takes years. he is playing you for a sucker. He will be nice till he gets what he wants and even worse if he doesn't get it. There are too many battered women out there. you are lucky to have seen the signs early. get out before it is too late.

I was one of those women. I saw it though out our relationship but didn't think anything about it but only 2 months after we married he got physical, luckily I had a good support system to get me out. Look to your friends and family to help. They are the ones who love you. not him.

I am not sure if this is what you wanted to hear, but i think deep down you know. Please be safe. and Take care