Here we go Again,Wife seding money to Ph.When we dont have it Now

[pedroh 21]

I would sacrifice those things because I know that my wife have difficulty finding jobs and that the country she lives in is poor enough. And, I know for sure that I can make money again if I loose everything or I can always get back on track here in the states. My wife is more important than money. I wouldn't mind loosing everything because I know I can get it back. I would even settle to room with college students with an apartment since it would be cheaper. I would find ways of surviving here in the States. I hate seeing my wife living in poverish environments, and her family while I have the luxury of electricity, phone, tv, transportation and she have non of this.

yea but if ur wife is with ya in the US.. would u still sacrifice ur way of living (and im not talkin about a luxurious lifestyle, but the basics) for her relatives? i.e. would you not buy kerosene for ur house warming system in order for her to send money to her family? even though both of u are gonna freeze?

[Niels Bohr 72]

yea but if ur wife is with ya in the US.. would u still sacrifice ur way of living (and im not talkin about a luxurious lifestyle, but the basics) for her relatives? i.e. would you not buy kerosene for ur house warming system in order for her to send money to her family? even though both of u are gonna freeze?

In those culture, relative are important. You have to respect the wife decision if you want her to be happy. She cannot loose her culture.

Now, if you're smart you would find many ways of living here in the US!

If you're lazy, then it's something else. Don't think for one second that I live an easy life. I got here because I worked at it. It's not easy immigrating here. As you know I am a naturalized citizen, not a native citizen. Notice my English, notice my level of dedication to my career in engineering. Do you think I don't know what I'm talking about when you have to make sacrifices? You need to be strong for your wife, and yourself if you want to survive in this world. Any sense of apprehension such as " where am I going to get kerosen? " or whatever will only get you nowhere. Unless you think up of a plan, you will not be happy.

Edited March 15, 2007 by consolemaster

[maore 0]

This thread is really interesting in the sense it shows there are major cultural differences between the western world ( wealthy) and the rest of the world. I can not stress it enough there are bridges to be built. Basically on one side ,family comes first (I mean extended family - you are nobody without your family and clan,etc..) and on the other side the individual come first(or maybe the couple comes first) .

No system is the best and when living together with someone of a different culture you have to make concessions: not sending money is not an option but you can agree on the amount.

Most of us jumped at our guns in this discussion unfortunately up to now the person who initiated this discussion has not been specific about his financial situation so maybe it could be a situation of not being able to buy the latest convertible BMW or a case of not even being able to pay for food at home,I have to admit I have no clue.

Let me share with you my own feelings ( yep they are feeling because not much rational when talking about culture- just the way one 's brought up) I was born and raised in France (parents from madagascar) so I am kind of in the middle of both culture and if I was unable to send money back to my parents ( retired ) I would have cold sweat and be full of worries ,my worst fear would be to find out I put the life of my parents in danger because I wanted to keep my 10 £ for a pint of beer or some ciggie.

Just my gutt feeling

yea but if ur wife is with ya in the US.. would u still sacrifice ur way of living (and im not talkin about a luxurious lifestyle, but the basics) for her relatives? i.e. would you not buy kerosene for ur house warming system in order for her to send money to her family? even though both of u are gonna freeze?

In those culture, relative are important. You have to respect the wife decision if you want her to be happy. She cannot loose her culture.

Now, if you're smart you would find many ways of living here in the US!

If you're lazy, then it's something else. Don't think for one second that I live an easy life. I got here because I worked at it. It's not easy immigrating here. As you know I am a naturalized citizen, not a native citizen. Notice my English, notice my level of dedication to my career in engineering. Do you think I don't know what I'm talking about when you have to make sacrifices? You need to be strong for your wife, and yourself if you want to survive in this world. Any sense of apprehension such as " where am I going to get kerosen? " or whatever will only get you nowhere. Unless you think up of a plan, you will not be happy.

[pedroh 21]

yea but if ur wife is with ya in the US.. would u still sacrifice ur way of living (and im not talkin about a luxurious lifestyle, but the basics) for her relatives? i.e. would you not buy kerosene for ur house warming system in order for her to send money to her family? even though both of u are gonna freeze?

In those culture, relative are important. You have to respect the wife decision if you want her to be happy. She cannot loose her culture.

Now, if you're smart you would find many ways of living here in the US!

If you're lazy, then it's something else. Don't think for one second that I live an easy life. I got here because I worked at it. It's not easy immigrating here. As you know I am a naturalized citizen, not a native citizen. Notice my English, notice my level of dedication to my career in engineering. Do you think I don't know what I'm talking about when you have to make sacrifices? You need to be strong for your wife, and yourself if you want to survive in this world. Any sense of apprehension such as " where am I going to get kerosen? " or whatever will only get you nowhere. Unless you think up of a plan, you will not be happy.

yea.. but kerosene will keep u alive and warm, u and ur wife.. again im not talkin about only yourself.. heck I would also skip a meal in order to my wife to eat.. but, I wouldn't let her skip a meal, or not attend a basic need in order for her to send money to her country... or viceversa..

on the other hand.. what amount are we talkin here.. like maore said.. if its an issue of 10 E or USD.. well yeah, u can sacrifice a pint of beer or ciggarrettes.. but, I don't think you'd skip rent in order to send money..

[Niels Bohr 72]

Only a child would make a decision like that giving 10 dollars. A reasonable amount would be 100 dollars or more for me. If the problem with kerosene, find another place to live.

[maore 0]

Only a child would make a decision like that giving 10 dollars. A reasonable amount would be 100 dollars or more for me. If the problem with kerosene, find another place to live.

Hehehe , 10 $ or £ is an example to demonstrate I don 't have any idea of what sort of money the original poster is referring to and how precisely it does affect his life.

100 or 1000 , 10000 $ is a matter of Personal Judgement since there are established legislation on " family 's taxation " (Thanks God) .

It would be lovely if everyone had a choice to decide suddenly to move to Hawaii because they can not pay their Kerosene bills (it should be a federal or states law me think).

I don't think my parents would get any benefits (short or long terms) with me being cold/miserable/homeless: Let me tell you a little story I heard the story of a ghanain immigrant in the UK , who worked 4 jobs (yes the guy did not sleep) just to send money back to his country - He died and then BBC interviewed his parents , guess what? they cried and did not know the amount of sacrifices he went through to make them happy. I think regardless of the amount of money they received , the parents would rather have their child alive than dead - maybe it is a wild guess.

The lesson I learned from it - yes help your parents but within your own limit !!!!

[Detty2809 0]

The lesson I learned from it - yes help your parents but within your own limit !!!! <--- I honestly agree with this.

It's true that family comes first in Asia....but by getting married to my fiance it means that I will also form a family of my own, and I believe this family should come first. I think I have a bigger responsibility to make THIS small family of mine happy and longlasting. I have talked to my fiance that once in a while I would love to send a reasonable amount of money to my parents. It doesn't have to be routine (only when we feel that we have made enough money to live with, to save for our future, AND to send some for my parents), and the amount wont be fixed (depends on our needs and economic situation). And everytime I wish to send some money to my family, I will discuss with my hubby first...cuz it's not MY money, but OURs.

Definitely won't be able to send money for a couple of years....we'd need to settle first. I wanna go to UNI, and we want to save some money every month for our future kids also, to rent a better apartment,...ah... lots of things. I need to make sure my new lil family could survive... Such a challenge!

[ivona 0]

yea but if ur wife is with ya in the US.. would u still sacrifice ur way of living (and im not talkin about a luxurious lifestyle, but the basics) for her relatives? i.e. would you not buy kerosene for ur house warming system in order for her to send money to her family? even though both of u are gonna freeze?

The bolded part is what I think is the main problem here: what is considered "basics" in the western world is not basics in empowerished countries...

In the west a middle class family is not considered rich by any standard but as one that lives with the "basics" except those "basics" include: pumped up grocery list with stuff that isn't obligatory for survival, phone, A/C, definatelly more than one pair of shoes for each family member even in the most frugal families, at least TV and DVD if not a home entertaiment center, usually one gaming console, PC if not a laptop too, potentially one extracurricular activity for the kid and so on..... those are the "basics" in the western world

In empowerished countries, your grocery list is VERY basic, you are lucky IF you can afford one pair of shoes for each member, electricity is a good thing- A/C usually a thing of wild dreams, no one is thinking about PCs and home entertaiment centers....

Now, obviously I agree that by marrying someone you also oblige (for lack of better word) yourself to build a family together with that person, a life- and that that family comes first....and I do agree that it is ridiculous to send money you cannot afford to that extended family in another country- and spouses should talk and together come up with a decisions concerning their budget and whether sending money, and how much is an option...

But, let's not judge too quickly about how that extended family is a bunch of lazy people who think they can live of the back of the "rich" USC who they succesfully married off their daughter to...

It is not that simple, we are talking about very different economies, even worse labour markets, not to mention over the roof inflation and so on.....

[JoeMama 0]

I know this has come up before But my wife keeps sending money(zoom) to ph and we dont have enough right now!Can anyone understand where im coming from?

After being married to an American woman for 11 years who never worked outside the home during this time. I had control of our family finances for most of the marriage. I started a business about a year after being married. I had to keep control of the finances to ensure I would still have a business that could provide for my family. The biggest mistake I made was letting my now former wife have control of the amount of money coming in. With a business, you see a large amount come in. Common sense would tell you that ALL the money that is derived from a business is NOT profit. My ex-wife ran us into serious debt because she did not understand a business has bills that need to be paid to keep that business going. I started another business along with the first business to try and fix the damage that had been done. I should have never let her handle the finances. I ended up nearly working myself to death! Because she was just too ignorant to understand any of this. My health was not important. What was important is her taking a vacation to Disneyland 5 times a year! Of course, I caught hell each time for not being able to go. Someone had to stay and work to maintain a living for the family and to pay for all those trips to Disneyland! I was the sole support for my own family and I am proud of it to this day! When business and financial income started to decline, so did the marriage. These days, I am much happier now that the ex-wife is gone and I have someone new who understands that money is not to be thrown into the wind out of stupidity or ignorance. I am also happy to say that my ex-wife has to work to support herself and has no time to spend with our daughters. These days, her face has aged many years in just a short time. As I work only 3 days a week, I always have time for my 3 daughters and they have expressed to me that I am the one parent they can rely to call upon whenever they need me.

The moral of it all, everything does come full circle. You will find a way to survive somehow. As most of us always do! Funny thing about being in the Philippines. My father is from there. But I am only 1/2 Filipino. Born in Baltimore. I was in the Philippines 9 years ago to visit family. I remember going to this huge mall in Manila. I had to exchange dollars for the local currency. I had to stand in a very long line to do this! I remember seeing everyone in front of me exchanging US Dollars. I was wondering at that time where all the American money was coming these people were holding. It is obvious it is being sent there by family members in US.

[Detty2809 0]

Agreed.

This is something that the wifey and hubby should seriously discuss about.

I thought the reason was purely cultural, and did not think about the possibility of the extended family needing some financial assistance..or...something like that (sorry, bad english).

yea but if ur wife is with ya in the US.. would u still sacrifice ur way of living (and im not talkin about a luxurious lifestyle, but the basics) for her relatives? i.e. would you not buy kerosene for ur house warming system in order for her to send money to her family? even though both of u are gonna freeze?

The bolded part is what I think is the main problem here: what is considered "basics" in the western world is not basics in empowerished countries...

In the west a middle class family is not considered rich by any standard but as one that lives with the "basics" except those "basics" include: pumped up grocery list with stuff that isn't obligatory for survival, phone, A/C, definatelly more than one pair of shoes for each family member even in the most frugal families, at least TV and DVD if not a home entertaiment center, usually one gaming console, PC if not a laptop too, potentially one extracurricular activity for the kid and so on..... those are the "basics" in the western world

In empowerished countries, your grocery list is VERY basic, you are lucky IF you can afford one pair of shoes for each member, electricity is a good thing- A/C usually a thing of wild dreams, no one is thinking about PCs and home entertaiment centers....

Now, obviously I agree that by marrying someone you also oblige (for lack of better word) yourself to build a family together with that person, a life- and that that family comes first....and I do agree that it is ridiculous to send money you cannot afford to that extended family in another country- and spouses should talk and together come up with a decisions concerning their budget and whether sending money, and how much is an option...

But, let's not judge too quickly about how that extended family is a bunch of lazy people who think they can live of the back of the "rich" USC who they succesfully married off their daughter to...

It is not that simple, we are talking about very different economies, even worse labour markets, not to mention over the roof inflation and so on.....

Edited March 15, 2007 by Detty2809

[Niels Bohr 72]

...In the west a middle class family is not considered rich by any standard but as one that lives with the "basics" except those "basics" include: pumped up grocery list with stuff that isn't obligatory for survival, phone, A/C, definatelly more than one pair of shoes for each family member even in the most frugal families, at least TV and DVD if not a home entertaiment center, usually one gaming console, PC if not a laptop too, potentially one extracurricular activity for the kid and so on..... those are the "basics" in the western world

In empowerished countries, your grocery list is VERY basic, you are lucky IF you can afford one pair of shoes for each member, electricity is a good thing- A/C usually a thing of wild dreams, no one is thinking about PCs and home entertaiment centers....

....It is not that simple, we are talking about very different economies, even worse labour markets, not to mention over the roof inflation and so on.....

This makes me want to send her even more money to her, and her family! I have a soft bed here, I have a car here, medical insurance, tv, cable, radio, laptop, 3 pairs of shoes, money (not much, although my job give me a hefty salary), heating, AC..etc.

I'll settle with ramen noodles everyday that gives you 300 calories per serving since it's 1 dollar to buy a dozen. Because all I'm doing is problem solving, and engineering work with brain power and no physical work. I don't need no more than 2000 calories per day. Plus, vitamins supplements will provide me with the lack of vitamins from consuming too much ramen noodles. All I want is for my wife, and her family not struggle and that they're safe. When I get a promotion to 85k/year, our future will be secure here in the states. They have struggled for all their lives with just trying to get medical care (there's no med insurance so they pay for on the spot), no transportation, nothing. This is Cambodia we're talking about.

I know the perspective of western civilization, and what they feel sometimes in regards to family. I understand it completely. But, I know for sure that my wife will worry everyday about how her family is doing since she grew up with them for all her life. I can only imagine her emotional pain. I can also feel her guilty conscious of not being able to be there for them when she arrives here in the States. So, the best thing to do is to make sure that her family is safe, and happy.

[Jasman0717 8]

How did your wife's family manage to survive in the Philippines before your wife was able to send them money?

Good question! Claudeth's dad was a salesman selling tools but the owner decided, after 20 years, that there wasn't any money in it any longer so closed shop. Her dad never did look for another job, they had me.......and now that she is here and working...they have her

[tom&tata 2]

Just to share my 0.02 for the OP

I think it is a noble thing to help out your family - if you can afford. But take into account that the needs are different too. Discuss it with your wife - make her see your POV too. Come up with a budget, agree on what both of you consider basic needs. If there is any leftover of the income, then you can agree on what to do with it.

There can be compromise on this. The culture might be different, but it does not have to cause a marriage stress.

Good luck !

[Fandango 1,439]

Helping is all well and good, but not when you don't have it to give. That's just crazy.

If my fiancée, Jacki, came from a poor family with many young mouths to feed still, I would look at the situation like this: We would be living in a nice new house here, as I am living alone in right now, with a new car, and a semi-fair job to pay all of our bills. There in the Philippines, the situation could be a family, in abject poverty, with little money coming in (think $10/day), who live in a cardboard box on the streets, in unsanitary conditions, no airconditioning, no refrigerator, no toilet, no medical care, few if any nice clothes (talking about general tshirts, shorts, shoes here...not suits and dress shirts/pants), etc., and a possible diet of leftovers (from more fortunate folks) or long spoiled fruits to be shared between two parents and three to eight children. This is not the situation with Jacki's family, by a long shot, but it very well could be with any other Filipino fiancée or wife's family. Just think about it. We here in America live like kings, even if we think we are poor or are barely making ends meet. Next time you want to chew out your wife for a desire to send family to a family who may very well need the money more than you do, think about that. Go without Aircon for a month...it's cooler in most parts of USA in summer than it is in Philippines, trust me!!! Just be open to communication and be open to compromise. Maybe one day her family may thank you in ways that you never dreamed possible.

David

ya but LisaD is talkin about when you can actually afford to help the SO's relatives... sure if u have some extra cash yea why not.. but when there's barely enough money to pay bills, rent, mortgage, whatever, are you gonna sacrifice a whole week's meals, or something like that, in order to send money to ur SO's country?

Zactly. OP's title ends with 'WHEN WE DON'T HAVE IT NOW' it's not about living like kings. It's about them obviously not HAVING it to give. Just because someone may be worse off than you does not make your situation less desperate if you're barely making ends meet. That's just common sense.

We're all getting into the 'Wealthy western world' vs everyone else debate. The bottom line is there are MANY in this country who are barely scraping by. I think it's a little bit crazy to be all 'hey you can cut corners' to the OP when none of us know how he lives anyway.

Edited March 15, 2007 by LisaD

[Anna C. 4]

It's noble to help, but only if you can afford it! Your own little family comes first! And you shouldn't sacrifice healthy meals for sending some money away - you will just get sick and end up paying a ton of medical bills. I also assume that's not what the family wants (that the person in the US starves, renounces on a lot of things, etc.).

Husband and wife should talk this through, it has to be a mutual decision, one spouse just can't spend money when the other spouse doesn't agree! I would go nuts if my hubbie decides something detrimental like this without me.