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borninabarn

Here we go Again,Wife seding money to Ph.When we dont have it Now

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I know this has come up before But my wife keeps sending money(zoom) to ph and we dont have enough right now!Can anyone understand where im coming from? :help:


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I know this has come up before But my wife keeps sending money(zoom) to ph and we dont have enough right now!Can anyone understand where im coming from? :help:

I understand exactly where your coming from. My money goes to my wifes family also. My friends wife works just so she can send money to her family and it kind of messed up his retirement plans. She needed to go to the dentist but instead sent her money to the filipines. This is thier culture and I don't think we can change it, so I just go along and everyone is happy. I do feel for you, but we understood this before we married them. If possible try to explain money is tight and you have bills to pay also and perhaps she can cut down a bit. Try to reach a peaceful compromise ..

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My wife's sister in Montana has had a job for 20 years so that she can earn money to send to her family in the PI. My wife told me when she gets here she'll agree that we will pay all of our own bills before she'll send any money to her family back home. But she's been taking care of them for most of her life, I expect her to be doing much like your wife keeps doing. Not much we can do about it, it's their way of life to help family.


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Talk and explain to your wife about your having a financial problem, too. I'm sure your wife will understand you and she can explain it to her family back in the Philippines. Let her know you're paying bills and other things and need to save, too.


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Did you have the money talk before you got married?

It's not uncommon for Pinays to help out their families. When I was back home, I was the sole breadwinner, thank goodness we're a small family - just me, my Mom and my bro. When I got married, my husband was the one worried for my mom and bro and volunteered to send them money equivalent to how much I was providing when I was still there. Well, that's about $600 a month, no way!

My bro eventually found a great job and is now doing very well. I still send money, albeit not regularly, only when we have extra (after paying all the bills, maxing out our RIRAs and TSPs and all that savings carp). I manage the money here at home, so I know how much bills we're paying. I set up a spreadsheet for that and show it to hubby so he knows how we are financially.

I suggest that you have a discussion with her about retirement, show her a budget worksheet and talk about how helping her family is putting strain on her new family.

Good luck!


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Hi Borninabarn,

Good luck on your immigration journey. In answer to your concerns, your wife is married you and is living with you here in the USA, not with her family in Ph. The marriage and her family here comes first, otherwise, just tell her to move back to the Ph if she doesn't want to help you out here. As a married person, her priorities, obligations, and responsiblities are with you here in the USA. There is no reason to send money over there to the Ph if you cannot afford to do so (unless there is extra money), as they can provide for themselves there overseas. If she wants to help her family in the Ph, do it by other means, not just financial means now, especially as you are in financial trouble here. You too shouldn't have to be the one to suffer because of her family overseas!

Sorry to be so upfront about this, as frankly I don't agree with this cultural difference of sending money to the family overseas that can provide for themselves. The priorities should be for the marriage here instead. If there is extra money to send to help out, then fine, send it to help out. Otherwise, don't spend money that you don't have, and end up being in debt and miserable here. I have a friend who is possibly going to go through the same situation and I have warned many him about this. Sigh...I guess like you, he'll have to learn the hard way too....

Gee, I have to wonder: Why don't people discuss the financial issues (especially issues regarding sending money to family) before and during their marriage?

Ant

I know this has come up before But my wife keeps sending money(zoom) to ph and we dont have enough right now!Can anyone understand where im coming from? :help:

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I have the same issue with Claudeth right now. She makes a good wage so can afford to send them money each month but she is getting them used to it and what will happen in four years when I retire and we start traveling and the money stops! I don't mind her helping her siblings get an education so maybe they can start helping her parents, neither of which work, but I am afraid that if she continues to just blanketly support them it will have a very negative affect in the long run.

I do have to commend the Filipino mentality when it comes to family and that is what really attracted me to that culture. I am just concerned for the future of her parents. I guess she could always bring them here and then when I retire they can travel with us :wacko:


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well you are entitled to your disagreement , have you tried to put yourself in her shoes or you are just too comfortable in your own culture ? Helping your family back home is a responsability especially to your parents (they raised you , sacrificied their lifes for you and only you,etc...).

Now my advice to the original poster .I am from Madagascar and our culture is similar - in the sense we have to support our family , but I am doing it in the following way : Set the lowest possible amount of monthly contribution I can send (100 Eur/month) , this amount enables me to provide a regular flow of money regarless of my financial situation (not so hard to afford this 100).

The advantage I found about this regular contribution are the following :

+ the smiles of my parents (with a lot of blessing and prayers _heheehe)

+ I have to discipline myself (making sure I pay the tax man and my family contribution)

Marrying someone from another culture requires concessions on both part (yes even on the american part ,funny enough) . In your particular case I would discuss about the amount of money you can afford to send to the family back in the philippines because not sending any money is just not an option (in my culture it is seen as being selfish) .

Regards,

Hi Borninabarn,

Good luck on your immigration journey. In answer to your concerns, your wife is married you and is living with you here in the USA, not with her family in Ph. The marriage and her family here comes first, otherwise, just tell her to move back to the Ph if she doesn't want to help you out here. As a married person, her priorities, obligations, and responsiblities are with you here in the USA. There is no reason to send money over there to the Ph if you cannot afford to do so (unless there is extra money), as they can provide for themselves there overseas. If she wants to help her family in the Ph, do it by other means, not just financial means now, especially as you are in financial trouble here. You too shouldn't have to be the one to suffer because of her family overseas!

Sorry to be so upfront about this, as frankly I don't agree with this cultural difference of sending money to the family overseas that can provide for themselves. The priorities should be for the marriage here instead. If there is extra money to send to help out, then fine, send it to help out. Otherwise, don't spend money that you don't have, and end up being in debt and miserable here. I have a friend who is possibly going to go through the same situation and I have warned many him about this. Sigh...I guess like you, he'll have to learn the hard way too....

Gee, I have to wonder: Why don't people discuss the financial issues (especially issues regarding sending money to family) before and during their marriage?

Ant

I know this has come up before But my wife keeps sending money(zoom) to ph and we dont have enough right now!Can anyone understand where im coming from? :help:

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How did your wife's family manage to survive in the Philippines before your wife was able to send them money? :whistle:

Seriously, sacraficing your life to help your fiancee's family have a better one is rediculous. Both of your lives comes first, then if there is some left over, then you can help her family.

Seems convenient that she came over her, puts you into financial burden while her family is living the life back in PI. You should talk to your wife, family is important, but also the two of you. What if you decide to have kids one day? Who comes first? Your kids or her family?


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Helping is all well and good, but not when you don't have it to give. That's just crazy.

If my fiancée, Jacki, came from a poor family with many young mouths to feed still, I would look at the situation like this: We would be living in a nice new house here, as I am living alone in right now, with a new car, and a semi-fair job to pay all of our bills. There in the Philippines, the situation could be a family, in abject poverty, with little money coming in (think $10/day), who live in a cardboard box on the streets, in unsanitary conditions, no airconditioning, no refrigerator, no toilet, no medical care, few if any nice clothes (talking about general tshirts, shorts, shoes here...not suits and dress shirts/pants), etc., and a possible diet of leftovers (from more fortunate folks) or long spoiled fruits to be shared between two parents and three to eight children. This is not the situation with Jacki's family, by a long shot, but it very well could be with any other Filipino fiancée or wife's family. Just think about it. We here in America live like kings, even if we think we are poor or are barely making ends meet. Next time you want to chew out your wife for a desire to send family to a family who may very well need the money more than you do, think about that. Go without Aircon for a month...it's cooler in most parts of USA in summer than it is in Philippines, trust me!!! Just be open to communication and be open to compromise. Maybe one day her family may thank you in ways that you never dreamed possible.

David


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Helping is all well and good, but not when you don't have it to give. That's just crazy.

If my fiancée, Jacki, came from a poor family with many young mouths to feed still, I would look at the situation like this: We would be living in a nice new house here, as I am living alone in right now, with a new car, and a semi-fair job to pay all of our bills. There in the Philippines, the situation could be a family, in abject poverty, with little money coming in (think $10/day), who live in a cardboard box on the streets, in unsanitary conditions, no airconditioning, no refrigerator, no toilet, no medical care, few if any nice clothes (talking about general tshirts, shorts, shoes here...not suits and dress shirts/pants), etc., and a possible diet of leftovers (from more fortunate folks) or long spoiled fruits to be shared between two parents and three to eight children. This is not the situation with Jacki's family, by a long shot, but it very well could be with any other Filipino fiancée or wife's family. Just think about it. We here in America live like kings, even if we think we are poor or are barely making ends meet. Next time you want to chew out your wife for a desire to send family to a family who may very well need the money more than you do, think about that. Go without Aircon for a month...it's cooler in most parts of USA in summer than it is in Philippines, trust me!!! Just be open to communication and be open to compromise. Maybe one day her family may thank you in ways that you never dreamed possible.

David

ya but LisaD is talkin about when you can actually afford to help the SO's relatives... sure if u have some extra cash yea why not.. but when there's barely enough money to pay bills, rent, mortgage, whatever, are you gonna sacrifice a whole week's meals, or something like that, in order to send money to ur SO's country?


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I would sacrifice those things because I know that my wife have difficulty finding jobs and that the country she lives in is poor enough. And, I know for sure that I can make money again if I loose everything or I can always get back on track here in the states. My wife is more important than money. I wouldn't mind loosing everything because I know I can get it back. I would even settle to room with college students with an apartment since it would be cheaper. I would find ways of surviving here in the States. I hate seeing my wife living in poverish environments, and her family while I have the luxury of electricity, phone, tv, transportation and she have non of this.


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