Visa in hand, but petitioner is unemployed. Please help!

[Pennycat 880]

He unfortunately has this ability to find excuses for this. He tells me that it's very hard to find a job in the US right now (which I know is true, though statistically, the US economy has been more prolific than the one over here lately). He also tells me he doesn't want to work in LA, as he "hates big cities" and he wouldn't want us to live there as it would be too costly. So anytime I try to remind me of his responsibilities, he just finds excuses as to why nothing has changed ever since he promised he'd find a job ASAP, which was a promise made as soon as the embassy approved our K1 visa.

I know his mother has told him that I should love him, even jobless. So it would be living in an environment where she sides with his vices, and I am not strong enough for that. Hence why I need changes.

I know why you're saying I should find someone else..it's just so hard to find someone that makes you feel at home. He did for me, before he became hurtful. And the innocence in me is still yearning for these early days.

Ha. Well, good thing his mother doesn't get to make choices about your life. She also doesn't exactly sound like she's very good at marriage or life choices in general, so consider the source on that little nonsense of an opinion. It is very possible to love someone and still not be willing/ready to marry them. And it is possible for two people to love each other but not be ready for marriage, or that marriage is a bad idea. I am almost positive that 90% of people who have posted here have experience that. I sure have. And it's sad but it's also life.

Remember, and that's why I posted to you yesterday (way back on page 2--reply #17) about the money/employment issue because I just knew that this accusation would be hurtled at you.... you do love him jobless. And the job isn't necessarily (or exclusively) about money. It's about your ability to be in this country legally. That is a very big deal, for all the reasons I pointed out yesterday in a different post (having an ID, being able to drive, having a job, being able to travel). Yes, there's a lot of people here illegally. They often live in pretty poor conditions and are exploited because of their legal status, but they do it because it's better than where they came from. That's not the case for you. Unless you can get his dad to follow through with co-sponsor for AOS, it is absloutely necessary for him to have a job for AOS.

Otherwise, you would be putting yourself of being at this family's mercy for *everything*--food, shelter, transportation and, quite honestly, keeping yourself from being deported. What happens if they get sick of you? Go look in "Effects of Major Changes on Immigration Benefits" and just see how many vindictive exes (and their families) threaten to have the foreign spouse deported. Well, for an illegal immigrant that is actually a possibility (still not likely unless you break laws and get arrested) but just think about having that anvil being hovered over your head. Now add hypothetical children to the mix. You're not just giving him the anvil, either. You're giving it to her, too.

So she can STFU about "if you really loved him" because NO ONE no matter how much they love someone should ever put themselves in such a position. And NO ONE who really loves someone else would even suggest it. Plus, what business of it is hers? Man, part of me thinks she's just looking for a free nanny and housekeeper out of this deal. Seriously, she doesn't get to take part in this conversation unless you're going to let her also take part in the marriage (spoiler alert: never ends well).

Also, it's not about the job itself, is it? It's about the complete lack of effort to be a partner/keep his end of the deal etc. This could be about *anything*--about keeping Skype appointments, about....whatever is important to the health and maintenance of your relationship. He's not doing it. He's not trying. *That* is the problem, not necessarily the unemployment.

All that said, think about it. Did she tell you that directly or did he? Because he's exactly the type of person to use his mom as a shield for his own stupid opinion and manipulative behavior. I'm not 100% sure that she's just dying to add an 8th jobless person into her house. Unless of course she's in it for the free babysitter/housekeeper.

Read this:

http://throb.gizmodo.com/heres-what-breaking-up-does-to-your-brain-1717776450

That's your brain on love. It's like a drug. You're hooked. But that doesn't mean that he's The One. You can feel that feeling and also know that that person will not be a good husband and father for you. You can feel that feeling but it's not "right" at the moment, or not possible. Or whatever. Cut it off, don't even visit. Move on.

[AvaAdore 4]

Man, the idea of moving to a foreign country to live with my fiancee and his mother is terrifying. If I were in this situation I would honestly wait.. you said so yourself, your life right now in France is good. You have a job you enjoy and are about to be promoted, don't take a chance on that. I would wait until he proves that he's willing to put in the work before coming here and getting married and possibly pressured into having kids.

It is dreadful. And I know I should wait, and to this day I'm still hoping to hear from him everyday that he has an interview lined up. But all he's said was "I tried". I told him trying isn't enough, do or do not. But nothing resonates.

[Boiler 47,456]

[LionessDeon 2,060]

Ha. Well, good thing his mother doesn't get to make choices about your life. She also doesn't exactly sound like she's very good at marriage or life choices in general, so consider the source on that little nonsense of an opinion. It is very possible to love someone and still not be willing/ready to marry them. And it is possible for two people to love each other but not be ready for marriage, or that marriage is a bad idea. I am almost positive that 90% of people who have posted here have experience that. I sure have. And it's sad but it's also life.

Remember, and that's why I posted to you yesterday (way back on page 2--reply #17) about the money/employment issue because I just knew that this accusation would be hurtled at you.... you do love him jobless. And the job isn't necessarily (or exclusively) about money. It's about your ability to be in this country legally. That is a very big deal, for all the reasons I pointed out yesterday in a different post (having an ID, being able to drive, having a job, being able to travel). Yes, there's a lot of people here illegally. They often live in pretty poor conditions and are exploited because of their legal status, but they do it because it's better than where they came from. That's not the case for you. Unless you can get his dad to follow through with co-sponsor for AOS, it is absloutely necessary for him to have a job for AOS.

Otherwise, you would be putting yourself of being at this family's mercy for *everything*--food, shelter, transportation and, quite honestly, keeping yourself from being deported. What happens if they get sick of you? Go look in "Effects of Major Changes on Immigration Benefits" and just see how many vindictive exes (and their families) threaten to have the foreign spouse deported. Well, for an illegal immigrant that is actually a possibility (still not likely unless you break laws and get arrested) but just think about having that anvil being hovered over your head. Now add hypothetical children to the mix. You're not just giving him the anvil, either. You're giving it to her, too.

So she can STFU about "if you really loved him" because NO ONE no matter how much they love someone should ever put themselves in such a position. And NO ONE who really loves someone else would even suggest it. Plus, what business of it is hers? Man, part of me thinks she's just looking for a free nanny and housekeeper out of this deal. Seriously, she doesn't get to take part in this conversation unless you're going to let her also take part in the marriage (spoiler alert: never ends well).

Also, it's not about the job itself, is it? It's about the complete lack of effort to be a partner/keep his end of the deal etc. This could be about *anything*--about keeping Skype appointments, about....whatever is important to the health and maintenance of your relationship. He's not doing it. He's not trying. *That* is the problem, not necessarily the unemployment.

All that said, think about it. Did she tell you that directly or did he? Because he's exactly the type of person to use his mom as a shield for his own stupid opinion and manipulative behavior. I'm not 100% sure that she's just dying to add an 8th jobless person into her house. Unless of course she's in it for the free babysitter/housekeeper.

Read this:

http://throb.gizmodo.com/heres-what-breaking-up-does-to-your-brain-1717776450

That's your brain on love. It's like a drug. You're hooked. But that doesn't mean that he's The One. You can feel that feeling and also know that that person will not be a good husband and father for you. You can feel that feeling but it's not "right" at the moment, or not possible. Or whatever. Cut it off, don't even visit. Move on.

AMEN!

[AvaAdore 4]

You gave him your heart and you r in love with him and keep the way it is till you two have a favorable condition to live in US. Right now, it is definitely not.

Analyze your situation:

1. If you come to US now, how would your and your finacee's life go? Right now he cannot take care of himself, imagine how he would take care of you once you come to US. You will have your expectations and he will have his expectations, once you two stay together with no job, no source of income, those expectation fade away and he and/or you both might get frustrated with each other. Talking about having a child in these circumstances is definitely a foolish idea.

2. If you wait even if you could not extend your K1 visa, you can apply for another K1 visa later on once he has a job, has a source of income to take care of you both. even if they deny K1 visa during that time for this reason, you two can get married in France and then he can apply for your sponsorship of your green card through marriage.

It's your choice you wanna sacrifice a lil bit for now and be happy later on or be happy now by coming to US now for a short period of time and be unhappy later....

Hi Arken, I really appreciate your insight, and my gut tells me you are right on this. I will go there and see if he does everything to find a job, and I will keep my job, so I can return home without losing what I worked hard to achieve. That way, I'll know if it's even worth to apply for another K1.

[Pennycat 880]

Hello. Your advice and everyone's precious advice has made me think a lot today at work. I emailed him yesterday and today, to expose my concern as the day we are supposed to meet is soon. All I heard back was "I've heard all of this before, I'm doing what I can. Good night". But alas it was followed with the 12 hour rest, and a day of gaming. Heck if I was in his position, I would treat the job search as if my LIFE depended on it. I'd apply everywhere, and I know Macdonald's are also hiring. But whenever I hint at all this, he just asks me to stop complaining.

I'm so glad to hear things have been much easier with your wife. After all these ordeals, you deserve the very best to heal from the past.

That's a preview of every single day of your married life. He gave you a gift. Use it. (Looks like you have, good for you).

Catherine, actually my friend here told me to look into Cluster B personalities. She suggests he *might* suffer from that, or depression, or even bi-polar for the rapid and drastic changes in tone/moods. Which could all either be intentional, or not.

In terms of whatever mental health disorder he may or may not have? Doesn't matter. You can't diagnose him from afar and even if you did....so what? You haven't promised "in sickness or in health" yet. So run for the hills before you get saddled with that nonsense. Cold? You betcha. Your problem? NOPE.

Hello Shauna, no it's just a nick. Thanks so much for being so very kind, I am experiencing a severe hardship but I promise you and everyone that I will not allow him to abuse me any further. Telling him I refuse to come until he gets a job...I did hun. And his response was "well don't come then, if that's all you care about". So again, he put the guilt on me then.

He tried to. Don't let him. You are *beyond reasonable* that this is an issue for you. Reasonable to the point that most people here would think that you'd be insane for it to NOT be an issue.

Look, he broke up with you. Or that's how I'd consider it. He didn't even try to do the main thing that will make it possible for you to be together. He's forcing your hand so that you have really no choice but to break up with him. I bet that's what his online flirting was about, too. He's making you the bad guy so that he doesn't have to be. You don't need this stuff.

[AvaAdore 4]

If he is well meaning and searching for a job truly stresses him out (I know it would stress me out very much), here are some things to ask him (and yourself)

• Is he at least trying to harness or gain some skill to help with another job and/or career (there are classes, volunteer opportunities, etc. -- there's always something to do)
• I understand you have a decent job and a decent career prospect. Why can't he come live with you in France? there's obviously going to be a compromise, and by the sounds of it, he doesn't have much going on in the US. If he's so close to his buddies (something tells me he doesn't have many of them), he can always contact them online. Also, if you two (and it sounds like mainly you..) collectively make enough money, there's nothing stopping an eventual relocation to the US
• It's not healthy for a 20-something man to be living with his mother. He has a way out - he can live with you. Why doesn't he take this chance. Does this mean he doesn't trust you? If I were in his situation I would move there in a heartbeat, as it would give me increased moral support and give me motivation to build a career and learn a language abroad.

Not willing to learn the language because it's too difficult is a very poor excuse. There's no reason why he shouldn't have at least a basic (albeit broken) command of a language within a few years even from just casual conversation and immersion. It's in his own best interest to move to France with you.

Some of the red flags that have been raised here are the lack of interest in the K1 process (he wants to have kids and get married ASAP, but isn't interested in learning about the process in actually getting you into the US sounds like a combination of immaturity, laziness, and generally not being interested). Also the "it's different for a woman" with respect to illegal status in the US sounds rather sexist (and I'm not talking traditional gender roles, I'm talking downright sexist).

Finally, as others have mentioned, if he expects you to be a stay at home mom and satisfy the traditional female gender role, he should fulfill his own traditional male gender role and not sit at home all day and play video games.

Hi Bluebook, thanks so much for your reply. Everyone here is wonderful, I am beyond grateful.

And no, he isn't doing any of that. As a practical example, I emailed him recently about the various ways he could gain employment,and his answer was solely "Well again. You've said all this a hundred times, and you'll get the same sort of response from me every time". That is the ONLY communication he has with me daily. How can I feel good with such a dismissive answer? why is he doing that?

As to living here, he kept saying he doesn't want to. Maybe it is because he needs to control me.

[Zedayn 486]

Thanks ever so much, I am now certain I will not marry him, I am planning on getting there and see first hand how he is getting along with his job search, and if by miracle he found a job, I would re-consider this if he starts caring for me more. He once listened to some awful song that had lyrics as these "I respect your feelings as a woman", and I told him it was disappointed that he would enjoy such a song...now I realise he may just not respect women altogether.

Regarding what you said in your first paragraph, do you think it was all a game for him? just having me fall in love with him? What kind of person would toy with someone's heart like this?

Honestly I wouldn't even do this. You are going to be stirring up your feelings more and leaving yourself to be further manipulated and hurt.

Yes, he could get a job tomorrow if he really tried, and what if he did that just to get you to stay? What happens next when he knows you are "stuck" here...he can just quit his job and go back to the way things were before you came.

A man who really, truly wanted you in his life would have made an effort to do so.

Just let him go and get on with your life.

[AvaAdore 4]

Not sure why he can not play video games equally as well in France.

Just excuses, I know...

[LionessDeon 2,060]

Hi Bluebook, thanks so much for your reply. Everyone here is wonderful, I am beyond grateful.

And no, he isn't doing any of that. As a practical example, I emailed him recently about the various ways he could gain employment,and his answer was solely "Well again. You've said all this a hundred times, and you'll get the same sort of response from me every time". That is the ONLY communication he has with me daily. How can I feel good with such a dismissive answer? why is he doing that?

As to living here, he kept saying he doesn't want to. Maybe it is because he needs to control me.

Maybe it's because he will lose his whole support system that currently enables his laziness.

Maybe it's because he knows he would be expected to be an employed, responsible, mature adult by you and your family.

Maybe it's because he really doesn't care that much to be together. I'd do whatever it took to be with my fiance and I know for a fact he would too.

Edited July 21, 2015 by LionessDeon

[AvaAdore 4]

What has life's experiences taught you about moving forward when in doubt?

For me, it has most often worked against me. On the flip side, when I exercise caution and move slowly without making hasty decisions, the situation usually works itself out.

My questions for you are (no need to answer - just ask yourself and meditate on the answers)

1. Why does your fiance' live with his mother?

2. What is his employment history like?

3. Why hasn't he found a job yet? If love was on the line, I would be working double shifts at a fast food restaurant.

Your story sounds all too familiar. I can only speak in generalities, but in our country, when a grown man lives with his mother, it is usually a sign that he lacks social skills, lacks occupational skills, he has mother-issues and is incapable of taking care of himself. Again, those are only generalities, but they often prove true never-the-less.

The bottom line is: you are in doubt for a reason, and you have been for a while. This isn't a new revelation for you. This is something you have been pondering and meditating on for some time. It sounds to me like you are looking for a good reason to stay in your home country.

Hello Gregory & Dyn. Yes, when in doubt, don't proceed is usually a motto I live by. It's just different now, because I am committed and in love with him, and I have never been like this before, it is as though the love is taking my "backbone" away.

I have no idea why he is living with his mother, I guess because he doesn't have a job and can't pay rent. But then again he's never lived on his own. As to his employment history, he used to very sporadically help his dad, who actually owns a business. But when he did he hated it, and said he couldn't take it anymore, so he hasn't been helping him in about a year. Apart from that, it is well...non-existent.

And your third question is the most revealing of all...I asked him a question along that line earlier and as I said before, his response was, word for word, only this "Well again. You've said all this a hundred times, and you'll get the same sort of response from me every time.".

[Shauna&Wael 211]

Hello Shauna, no it's just a nick. Thanks so much for being so very kind, I am experiencing a severe hardship but I promise you and everyone that I will not allow him to abuse me any further. Telling him I refuse to come until he gets a job...I did hun. And his response was "well don't come then, if that's all you care about". So again, he put the guilt on me then.

It makes me really happy to hear that you're taking charge of your life. It's like taking off a Band-Aid dear, it stings at first, but underneath is a wound that's healed. You'll be just fine. As everyone has mentioned, you're clearly a catch, and he's clearly not. If he really loved you, he would be so motivated to give you the best life possible together. But he wants you to do all the hard work. I'm sure you'll be able to visit the U.S. when the time is right. Focus on your budding career, it will distract you in a good way. Keep ascending

[AvaAdore 4]

Hi,

I saw a lot of great VJ advise so far...

I think the thing you have to judge is whether your american fiance has grown enough as a man to qualify for this serious relationship.

I think you know the answer already but really like a lot of things about the guy and would love to see it work.

Sometimes both people are not ready for the same degree of commitment. Wishing it were different doesn't make it so unfortunately.

All people grow in many ways as they age, it is likely that from everything posted that your man has not had the personal growth to really enter into the type of serious relationship your seeking.

You could just continue your online relationship for a few more months and see if he truly will work things out on his end and then re apply for the visa.

I am 55 years old now and have lived on my own away from parents since 22 years old.

The first handful of years was a little hard for me and you know I had to develop some personal discipline & goals in life.

If you have some one that is not disciplined enough to go find profitable work without being told, they are not really ready for any serious relationship.

The point for me where I decided to get my act together or at least work hard on it was when i was 26 years old and my first wife was pregnant and I had to borrow money for the birthing expenses.

I was working most of the year but at a job that was "comfortable" more than it was profitable.

So on my own I realized "hey now I am in debt with an infant son, I need to get on the ball and expand my idea on being productive".

I decided I wanted to be in business for myself and started down that path.

It took me 7 years trying different activities until I found something I enjoyed and developed the discipline and drive with a passion that became and actual career.

Since 1993 I have run my own business.

Point is that people grow as fast as they want to grow.

But you should decide for yourself what qualifications you want to see in a man that you would marry much less have a child with.

Should you be seeking a man that has a track record of production in his field or career?

Should your man have more than just a work history but have actually set out and achieved something in his career so that he has a deep personal belief in his ability?

Should you be seeking a man that has a high degree of personal discipline?

Should you only consider a man with a high degree of ability to communicate-especially when times are challenging?

Do you want to be in a relationship with a man that would suggest you do something illegal?

It really comes down to your standards as to what quality of relationship you are willing to have.

If you do come to the US knowing that your fiance has some growing to do, it may or may not be a bit of a hard life and yelling at him will not help him "grow" faster.

The fastest way would be to support your man's efforts to grow which may or may not happen.

I know of a close someone that is 50 years old and living in a car because he never learned and hung out with people that were not growing but rather heading down.

Many people have to find themselves in life and get some successes to put the confidence there. It can just happen at different times for everyone, sometimes it may never happen.

If, and I am just saying "if" you decided to end the relationship with your fiance. That may or may not be the thing to make him realize he needs to start taking life seriously because he missed a big opportunity with you.

I really don't like to "tell" people what to do although it is quite tempting.

It is better you make the decision - right- or wrong and live and grow from it.

Just look at the factors in your decision so that if it is right or wrong you grow from it yourself.

Tomorrow I go with my wife and new daughter for our adjustment of status interview.

From what I have read, the USCIS officers have a certain amount of discretion in determining if the US citizen is earning "enough" income. I have read they want to see the last 6 months or so of income being earned.

So even if you came and used your money to fund the AOS fees and or to live on, the issue of no sustained income by the US citizen may end the journey at the AOS interview after your married.

If in doubt you may want to look into this further?

If you really do care for this man and want to be with him. Make sure you have a plan to succeed with him and not just crossed fingers is my suggestion.

Good Luck with which ever you decide.

Rudy USC

Hello Rudy,

Thanks greatly for your superbly insightful message. I wondered about maturity, but I also think it has to do with priorities. If someone puts another person as their priority # 1, even if that someone is immature, I know they would move mountains for that person they see as a priority. And THAT alone, along with the experiences they will share, would make that someone more mature. Perhaps I'm just not his priority? inspite of what he said in the beginning, right before I fell for him.

Congrats on all your achievements, and all the very best for the interview today. Let me know how it went.

.

[AvaAdore 4]

Have you told this story to any of your close friends? Do any of them see any positives? Does anyone encourage you to go right away because he sounds like the type of guy they would want to have? What advice would you give to a friend that tells you this exact story about themself?

You cannot "fix" him. He MIGHT change a few behaviors to encourage you to support him and allow him to continue on his current pathetic path. Your traveling to the US would only prolong his childish behavior, and becoming parents dooms your child to this unhealthy lifestyle. This story screams stay away!!

It seems that this boy has found an enabler (you). If you can't cut the cord now, imagine how difficult it would be after he sucks your money dry and fills your world full of excuses as to why he "can't do..."

If you wouldn't date him in his current circumstances if he lived in France, why would you consider marrying him in the US. Falling in love is wonderful and fills us with great hopes and dreams. A healthy relationship nutures those dreams. You do not have a healthy relationship with this person.

The responsibility for your happiness rests with you. If you give someone else that power, you are to blame.

Excellent advice. I am really giving him one last chance here. He has almost 2 weeks to find a job before I go there. And once I go there, I will assess the situation first-hand, see how he treats me, how it feels to be living with his mother and siblings. And then it'll depend on if he can demonstrate change and the ability to support us.

[AvaAdore 4]

Avec l'amour vient toujours le sacrifice. You said that you have the visa already. How did he get support (I864)? I am sure that he is sincere and in this situation there are two choices: follow your heart or follow your instinct.

C'est vrai, mais pour l'amour, le sacrifice doit venir des 2 côtés (= in love, sacrifice has to be reciprocated). We only needed the I-134 for the petition, and his father co-sponsored us for it, because he knew it was not legally binding.