I think my ex is leaving

[tuckin14 58]

Some readers may remember a lot of angst on my part many months ago about the situation with my wife.

We have almost no communication anymore, and our divorce was supposed to be finalized earlier this week (but she screwed up the divorce hearing, unsurprisingly, by firing her lawyer and showing up completely unprepared), but in an email she said "I am going back to Canada." She was on a two-year leave of absence from her teaching position, and would have had to return to start the school year around Labor Day, or lose it. Of course, the fact that she took a leave of absence rather than just resigning may say something about her intentions.

Our history was roughly this:

2008-10: Dating, casually at first, then more seriously, while she lives in Toronto

Jan 2011: Marry in North Carolina and apply for GC

Nov 2011: GC received.

Nov 2012: I lose my job in the USA and move to Bermuda. She decides to now get her teaching licenses in the USA and look for a job, unencumbered by having to live in North Carolina where I was working.

May-August 2013: She finds a job, lists her house for sale, and takes LOA from her job. I lose my job in Bermuda and announce I'm returning to the USA, planning to finally move in with her after all these years. She sells her home in Toronto and buys one in the USA on July 31. On August 1 she tells me "You have to leave." I finally do leave in late September, around the time we (jointly) file for ROC.

October 2013 - August 2014: She hears nothing from USCIS. I advise USCIS of various factors affecting her case, such as the two days cohabitation, her insistence that we not co-mingle funds, her refusal to have wedding pictures taken, her joining three dating sites within 4 months of our getting married, her waiting months to tell her family and years to tell her co-workers about the marriage, etc. In August 2014 I visit USCIS where the IO discovers that the file has just been languishing. She says she will have it sent to the district office and an interview scheduled.

October 2014: The interview is scheduled. Knowing that my non-appearance will result in automatic denial, I have previously promised my wife that I will go, and that I will not withdraw the joint petition. My attorney tells me that if I go, it will just result in a spitting match with my ex ("You told me you didn't want a wedding ring." "No, you told me you didn't want to spend the money on one." "That's crazy, I spent zillions of dollars to fly you here, you just didn't want anyone to know we were married.") My wife discourages me from going, and amazingly, when I inform her attorney I'm not going, he does nothing to encourage me. Two days before the interview I hand-deliver a letter to the IO simply stating that I decline to attend. Five days after the interview I receive a letter saying that the petition is denied due to "abandonment" resulting from my non-appearance. It also states that they could not change her filing to a waiver filing, because we were not divorced, nor had filed for divorce, nor were legally separated, and hence had only an "informal" separation. The letter also mentions that my wife said she asked me to leave in "November or December," which was a blatant lie, making it sound like we lived together for 4-5 months before she asked me to leave, not 2 days.

This was the last actual communication we had on the subject. I admit to feeling aggrieved after waiting for years to finally live with her, and then being tossed out after two days. I would also have felt horrible if she had received ROC. After reading this forum for a year and a half and seeing people who genuinely love each other struggle with this process, it would have been horribly unjust if she had achieved ROC without the slightest hint that she said "I do" in good faith.

Part of my satisfaction comes from seeing her discover that she is not exempt from the rules. She always treated me like promises to and agreements with me were optional. Deep inside, she felt that because she was white, educated, attractive, and "almost an American" because she was from Canada, that it was silly to treat her like some "immigrant."

I hope that everyone out there who is in love and wants to build a life together, has your dream come true.

[onye uwaoma 131]

Sorry to hear all that gone wrong in your relationship... She will need divorce decree to start all over again...

[Zats&Bryan 30]

I'm sorry this happened to you. But never give up hope. Just because she was not the right one it doesn't mean the right one is not out there. Besides... karma is a . She always comes back to bite our bottoms.

[JessieRC 8]

Good riddance! Now you can forget about her and move on with your new life....

[tuckin14 58]

I've been moving on with my life for a while. Our final divorce hearing was supposed to be earlier this week, but she ****ed that up like everything else.

I have a funny story about karma... about a year ago I was waiting to see a doctor, she called me while I was in the waiting room and I made the mistake of answering. She began to screech that I was "milking her health insurance" (I don't know about you, but I go to the doctor for fun!) and said "I hope you have cancer and die." About six months later she sent me a scan of a letter basically saying that she had an abnormal mammogram. In other words, a possibility of cancer. Karma, eh?

I don't think she has a prayer of "starting all over again." First, I doubt that after returning to Toronto she will try to manage a long-distance relationship again with one of her many boyfriends in the USA; second I think she might get back together with an old boyfriend from Toronto; third, once you've been denied ROC, you can't try again without showing that the first denial was in error. It makes perfect sense. The whole point of conditional residency was that (generally attractive) people were marrying the first USC they could find, coming here, dumping their spouse, and finding someone else. Allowing someone to reapply with a new spouse after being decline for the first one would defeat the whole purpose.

[Darnell 8,478]

well, the end is near, that's about all i have to say at the moment.

[TBoneTX 42,991]

*** Thread moved from ROC forum to the Effects of Major Changes forum -- topic more pertinent there. ***

[Jawaree 717]

Dude move on...like Ceilo says "Forget You" (to her)

True love will come along. You have no property or

kids together it wont be hard to be rid of that marriage

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Sorry this has happened to you but at least you can move on with your life. The sooner you don't think about her anymore the better. She doesn't sound particularly nice.

[Pitaya 2,576]

~Non-contributory post removed~

~Post constructively, or do not post~

[marriedguy 34]

So she married you to get her Green Card to US ?

I've been moving on with my life for a while. Our final divorce hearing was supposed to be earlier this week, but she ****ed that up like everything else.

I have a funny story about karma... about a year ago I was waiting to see a doctor, she called me while I was in the waiting room and I made the mistake of answering. She began to screech that I was "milking her health insurance" (I don't know about you, but I go to the doctor for fun!) and said "I hope you have cancer and die." About six months later she sent me a scan of a letter basically saying that she had an abnormal mammogram. In other words, a possibility of cancer. Karma, eh?

I don't think she has a prayer of "starting all over again." First, I doubt that after returning to Toronto she will try to manage a long-distance relationship again with one of her many boyfriends in the USA; second I think she might get back together with an old boyfriend from Toronto; third, once you've been denied ROC, you can't try again without showing that the first denial was in error. It makes perfect sense. The whole point of conditional residency was that (generally attractive) people were marrying the first USC they could find, coming here, dumping their spouse, and finding someone else. Allowing someone to reapply with a new spouse after being decline for the first one would defeat the whole purpose.

[tuckin14 58]

So she married you to get her Green Card to US ?

I can't say she married me for a green card, because she resisted moving to the USA. Hard to say why she married me. I think she was momentarily frustrated with her other dating prospects and said "What the hell." It certainly wasn't for love or companionship.

The story of our marriage was funny. She came to see me 2-3 times a month. We had been told by a lawyer that if we applied for a K1 visa she'd be unable to travel to the USA while it was pending, that if she said she was coming here for the weekend to get married they wouldn't let her in without a K1 because they'd say she didn't intend to return to Canada (notwithstanding the fact that she'd have to be at work Monday morning), and if we got married anyway they'd say she lied about the purpose of her trip. So without committing to actually marrying me, she let me research what we'd have to do to get married in Canada, which was stupidly complicated.

Then one Friday I went to another lawyer who said we could get married with no problem. I told her that when she got here that night. I found out you can get married anytime of the day or night by just going to the courthouse (there's always at least one judge on duty) but you can only get a license during business hours. So I asked her if she would like to come a day early the next weekend and get a license, which would be valid for 60 days. I figured that maybe sometime in those 60 days she'd agree to marry me. So we went to the courthouse that (next) Friday morning and got a license, and then she surprised me by saying "OK, now let's go across the street and get married." By the time we got there, the courtrooms were closed for lunch, so we went to lunch and then back and got married.

We didn't have our own witnesses; we borrowed them from the couple getting married before us. I was jealous of them. They looked like they were actually in love.

[onye uwaoma 131]

I can't say she married me for a green card, because she resisted moving to the USA. Hard to say why she married me. I think she was momentarily frustrated with her other dating prospects and said "What the hell." It certainly wasn't for love or companionship.

The story of our marriage was funny. She came to see me 2-3 times a month. We had been told by a lawyer that if we applied for a K1 visa she'd be unable to travel to the USA while it was pending, that if she said she was coming here for the weekend to get married they wouldn't let her in without a K1 because they'd say she didn't intend to return to Canada (notwithstanding the fact that she'd have to be at work Monday morning), and if we got married anyway they'd say she lied about the purpose of her trip. So without committing to actually marrying me, she let me research what we'd have to do to get married in Canada, which was stupidly complicated.

Then one Friday I went to another lawyer who said we could get married with no problem. I told her that when she got here that night. I found out you can get married anytime of the day or night by just going to the courthouse (there's always at least one judge on duty) but you can only get a license during business hours. So I asked her if she would like to come a day early the next weekend and get a license, which would be valid for 60 days. I figured that maybe sometime in those 60 days she'd agree to marry me. So we went to the courthouse that (next) Friday morning and got a license, and then she surprised me by saying "OK, now let's go across the street and get married." By the time we got there, the courtrooms were closed for lunch, so we went to lunch and then back and got married.

We didn't have our own witnesses; we borrowed them from the couple getting married before us. I was jealous of them. They looked like they were actually in love.

This is the reason I often insist there are two sides to every story. Thank you for exposing your culpability in this whole saga. Since it is obvious she didn't marry you for immigration reasons I can only imagine the complexity of your relationship with her. She seemed to need prayer and counseling in her life as well as you do. Once again, sorry you're in this. Edited July 12, 2015 by onye uwaoma

[Ortolan 381]

I wish you better luck with your next girlfriend. I'm sure you've learned a lot during this whole thing with this one. Gosh....

[rlogan 2,036]

I was jealous of them. They looked like they were actually in love.

Well that certainly explains things.

I have a friend who is hell-bent on getting married to his K-1 fiance. What they do is scream at each other, and I mean scream. Her slapping him, running away, him telling her to shut up, that she is a liar, etc.

He figures if she gets the green card then she will be grateful and come to love him. She figures putting up with abuse is worth it for now in order to get the green card, as if that were tantamount to an ATM that she can make regular withdrawals from.

It's incredible to watch. I told both of them what a mistake they were making, and have walked away from it. Talk about delusional.

I don't believe romance or lust is the key to a successful marriage - it really is all about communication, mutual expectations, and respect. Arranged marriages work out fine so long as you have those. It doesn't have to be a Romeo and Juliet "love at first sight" romance.

So even if you don't have that romantic love in walking up the aisle, if you can say that you respect and admire your fiance, that they will make a good parent, that you trust them, like each other, that you are looking forward to the mutual plans you have agreed to - you have a good shot. You won't be jealous of what other people have when you have what you want. If you don't know what you want, then it isn't a good idea to get married.

Edited July 13, 2015 by rlogan