How to support your partner during Processing wait time

[mathew5502 0]

Hi guys and gals,

You have been and continue to be a huge support to everyone on these forums and awaiting a visa interview. My fiance and i are just about to send off our i-129f today (9th June 2014) after a lot of problems. I sent my package to her with my completed forms on Thursday 5th June 2014 by overnight courier which arrived on 6th June. She promised me she would send the package on Friday 6th June. She did not do this but assures me its because she was rushed out of the house rather than not wanting to do it. This caused a huge argument but we have fought through it and are still together. But we do argue about a lot of things and she is struggling to know what to do with herself since i left her on 17th May 2014. She therefore has little to talk about and appears depressed to me, but her mother says it is not depression. Can you guys offer any advice for any of these things? Thoughts and feelings appreciated.

Mathew

[lilsadie 50]

Sorry for the stress your going through. This immigration stuff is so hard on relationships. This is the second time we have been through it now, first to get my partner PR in Australia and now for me and it defiantly comes with its share of arguments.

I guess the only advice I can give is that no matter what, being together is the most important thing. You need to just take a breath when your arguing and remember and remind each other that this is what its about and its silly to fight about the thing that you are doing to bring you together (If that makes sense?)

We have lived together for 5 years now and we are always getting stressed out about this process and sharing our frustration. When we start to argue (Normally over something so stupid, like why this form wasn't filled out at 1pm, etc) we just stop and remind our selves that all that matters is that we have each other and nothing else in the world means as much. Take the stress out by realising that if this process doesn't work (Which isn't likely) there are other options, your partner can move to you, you can go to a third country, etc. There is ALWAYS another option.

I'm not much help because of my unique situation, most people are not as lucky and don't get to be together during this time.

Maybe another thing would be to make a routine around when you communicate, like everyday at 8am and 10pm or something like that, then that way she knows and can look forward to hearing from you and it is kinda 'Normal'???

[Hiroshi 宏 64]

Everyone has their arguments, Even we do, But just stop for a moment and think what you are doing and how strong 2 people have to be to go through this horrendous journey, Try talking about stuff when this process will be over, I find that helps, Don't make any plans for sure, Just talk about what you'd like at the wedding? A theme? Talk about price range? And just be there for her, It's just as stressful on her as it is on you I wish you all the best on the rest of your journey

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Couples sometimes have arguments, my husband and I do. But when it reaches at some point that will lead both of you into a big fight, just step back and use your time to think. My husband usually wants to solve problems immediately whereas for me, I need some time to think about it and then talk. Because I don't want when both of us caught into the feeling of angry, we slipped, and then said something that we will regretted later.

When my husband filed I-129F for me last year, it was not an easy one. I wanted to follow all step by step on visa journey but he did not trust any other websites unless it belongs to the government. We had a little argument about these things. But I know his weakness. I talked to him in very sweet, gentle, and lovely voice. I gave him evidence what will happened if we missed out one of steps. I told him I don't want separate from him any longer and how I missed him so badly - we started the courtship in 2008-. It worked. He agreed to follow the steps and we were approved for I-129F in 38 days without RFE.

Here my advise. Don't push her to send the petition right away. Let her doing it when she's ready. Some people don't like to be push. Give her some time. This process can be overwhelming. Talk to her in nice way. Some women love men when they talk to them in nice way, gentle, and very supportive. Remember, when you come to the US, she will be the one and her co-sponsor ( if she choose to get one) will support you financially until you find a job. She probably struggle to think about things like that. She needs you understand that.

Edited June 9, 2014 by Girl from Celebes

[luvHKman 6]

Hi Matthew,

We actually applied for ours this month also, sending it in on 6/6. I have talked to my fiancee about the process thoroughly and explained all steps and i continually warn him not to have high expectations that it will get approved quickly, so in our minds and to each other, we will say 6 months. We have put together a list of things to help keep our minds off the process and maybe some of these will help u or others. 1. Watch a tv show starting from the first episode "together" and then talk about them. (It sounds dumb, but if u find a comedy or something u both can enjoy and u both watch it then its great for conversation. 2. Play 20 or more questions, where she is allowed to ask any question and u must honestly answer and then u do the same for her. (This will also help prepare for the interview.) 3. Talk about future plans and goals (wedding, travelling, anything) 4. Encourage each other to meet with friends or family, also doing some sort of sports or classes. The list continues but maybe this will help ease the pressure. We are all together in this so lets support each other! If you havent set up your timeline and joined the June 2014 filers group please feel free to do so!

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

This is just a blip on the screen of your life. Keep your eyes on the prize, and stay busy in the meantime. Don't let you or your fiance wallow in waiting.

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

From someone who has experienced a lot of life, a long "until death did us part" marriage, and has a more mature point of view now with hindsight....

Pick your battles carefully. Not mailing something the date you said is not battle worthy.

Be secure in your relationship or you will be miserable. If you immediately assume she isn't interested in the visa because of not going to the post office then that reeks of insecurity. If you don't really think that, then why the heck bring it up? Find a partner who thinks you are the most wonderful person they could find, and vice-versa. Insecurity leads to suspicion, jealousy, possessiveness and a weak, if not doomed, relationship.

Immigration is not in a hurry. A month is a short time to them. The fact that you paid a huge amount of money to overnight something to the US shows you still think one day matters. So then you get angry because you spent that money, only to have your fiancé delay 4 days. Overnighting the submission to USCIS is another failure to understand that one day is not really worth the cost. Get the application perfect, then settle in for a wait. If petitions dated 6 weeks apart get approved at the same time, USCIS thinks that's normal. Don't feel cheated by seeing people days behind you get approved first.

If you start checking your status daily, you will have daily disappointment. If you check it 10 times a day, you will be disappointed 10 times a day. They email or text you if anything changes. Save yourself some disappointment and the negative emotion it creates.

A needy, depressed fiancée isn't a good life partner. She will be worse as a wife. If she is just pouting to make you feel bad then she is manipulative and high maintenance. Not fun.

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I said it. I believe it.

[landr 126]

It took my fiance three months to finally put together the paperwork for the petition. And yes, I queried his commitment because, to me, delaying the filing suggested that he was delaying one of the steps we needed to be together permanently. However, as it happens, this was actually a good thing. Had we filed earlier, we would have been caught up in other things that would have made the process even more complicated.

Talk to your fiancee again and find out what the issue is or even if there is one about this specific situation. Does she feel rushed? Do you tend to forward-plan? Is she more of a one step at a time person? Do you tend to be the person who makes sure that things get done in the relationship? If the answer is yes to all of these, then you're going to have to find a happy medium where you can both co-exist. I suggest not discussing too many steps ahead, rather, focus on the step in front of you. Or find something else to talk about.

That said, her concerns might not be about the visa. It might be something else that's on her mind.

My advice is to take turns to give each other the space to vent, with the other person listening intently but dispassionately. If you both get emotional, then that's probably where the arguments escalate. If you can't take turns to vent, then find someone else to vent to about your concerns. A close friend perhaps. As an aside, my experience is that this site is not very touchy-feely. It's supportive, in a factual and pragmatic way, but it tends towards tough love. So if you think you have a relationship issue rather than a visa issue, you might be better off on a relationship forum, in my opinion.

As for the visa, you are in for a long wait. Not as long as it was for UKers last year, but still a likely 4-5 months from filing to visa approval. If you are lucky then you might be able to get through the process in 3 months. Either way, this is not a 3-week process and might not even be a one-and-done process. Anything you read about when it comes to times and timelines are estimates, and you will hear "standard/normal processing times" a lot.

Edited June 9, 2014 by landr

[rmarkwallace 7]

Just realize too that the woman is putting everything on the line. She has agreed to move to a place that she might never have been to, leaving her friends and family behind. She is marrying a guy that she may or may not know all that well and going to a place where she has no guarantee that she will fit in or find it supportive. If it turns out to be a bad marriage and she doesn't stay for two years, she has to go back and, if America has a better standard of living than her homeland. go back to poverty. My fiance is a lame duck resident of where she is, she can't enroll in school because the skills that she would be learning might not transfer well to America, can't really start a business because she would have to close it down in a few months and might not have much money. She doesn't know how to get ready.

it takes a lot of moral support. I looked for friends of her ethnic group to connect with her on facebook so that she could start making new friends. Also look for places where she can buy the type of food that she eats.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Just realize too that the woman is putting everything on the line. She has agreed to move to a place that she might never have been to, leaving her friends and family behind. She is marrying a guy that she may or may not know all that well and going to a place where she has no guarantee that she will fit in or find it supportive. If it turns out to be a bad marriage and she doesn't stay for two years, she has to go back and, if America has a better standard of living than her homeland. go back to poverty. My fiance is a lame duck resident of where she is, she can't enroll in school because the skills that she would be learning might not transfer well to America, can't really start a business because she would have to close it down in a few months and might not have much money. She doesn't know how to get ready.

it takes a lot of moral support. I looked for friends of her ethnic group to connect with her on facebook so that she could start making new friends. Also look for places where she can buy the type of food that she eats.

Hey Mark, have you realized that not ALL beneficiaries are women? Can you believe it?

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Hey Mark, have you realized that not ALL beneficiaries are women? Can you believe it?

Agreed. I also believe the OP's petitioner is a woman.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Hey Mark, have you realized that not ALL beneficiaries are women? Can you believe it?

Not only that the beneficiary is from England. Now I did live there for most of my adult life and there are some definitely third world aspects to it I don't think the beneficiary-beloved is escaping a world of Dickensian squalor.

Also, who the blazes marries someone they don't know that well? Cripes.

Edited June 9, 2014 by the maven

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Hi guys and gals,

You have been and continue to be a huge support to everyone on these forums and awaiting a visa interview. My fiance and i are just about to send off our i-129f today (9th June 2014) after a lot of problems. I sent my package to her with my completed forms on Thursday 5th June 2014 by overnight courier which arrived on 6th June. She promised me she would send the package on Friday 6th June. She did not do this but assures me its because she was rushed out of the house rather than not wanting to do it. This caused a huge argument but we have fought through it and are still together. But we do argue about a lot of things and she is struggling to know what to do with herself since i left her on 17th May 2014. She therefore has little to talk about and appears depressed to me, but her mother says it is not depression. Can you guys offer any advice for any of these things? Thoughts and feelings appreciated.

Mathew

Mathew -- dude, you guys are going to need to do (at least) two things: chill out about the timeline, and figure out what is causing your fiancee's seemingly depressed attitude. Is she stressed, not getting enough sleep, irritated by friends? You're her dude, your job is to love her and find out. She might be sad at your leaving, and feel that the days apart are too long to bear. Guess what? They have to be borne to be together. Time for both of you to be adults, act like adults and not wallow in any of it. Nich's advice below is spot on, so I won't repeat it.

[Julie+Matt 84]

Hey Mark, have you realized that not ALL beneficiaries are women? Can you believe it?

Lol, I'm the petitioner & I'm female. My fiancé is a dude & he's from England too, lol.

Anyway, just make sure you two communicate as much as possible.

It was said by someone above that a needy, depressed partner is not a good life partner. I don't agree. My fiancé & I are both depressed over being separated, & I suffer from clinical depression. (But I'm not a miserable person) we are also very attached to each other & he is so very very supportive of me when I get upset because we aren't together. Being "needy" isn't necessarily a bad thing. I dunno. That's just how I see it.

[ChicagoSarah 127]

It's a difficult process. The distance and time are always hard. You just need to be patient with each other.

Nich-Nick's points are perfect. She should try and find a community in her area. St. Louis is a big place. It always helps to know you're not alone. Others are going through similar situations.

It's also a great chance for her to focus on herself and do things she enjoys. Especially the girly things that you won't be doing as a couple anyway. Shopping, nails, DIY projects, music, whatever. Also, you guys should talk about the future and what it will be like when you are together. Don't focus on the bad parts of the process that you can't change.

Focus on the wedding planning. It helped me bide the time to focus on our wedding plans while we waited for his visa to be approved.