Ready to File AOS but she is acting out

[mik2012 17]

April 3rd my Fiancee and her 4 daughters arrived in the US. Got married in May of this year, finally have the money to file AOS. This past Saturday she got upset at me for pointing my finger at her daughter and asking her to leave the room so I could calm mom down. My wife got upset at me for asking her daughter to go upstairs, she got upset to a point where she decided to tell me that she is solely responsible for her daughters and that i am only the step dad and I had no right at pointing my finger at her. She called her sister and asked if she would send her money so she could go back with all four. I tried talking to her telling if she leaves now she will be facing a ten year ban because come ths Jan she will be over the 180 day number. I feel very stupid that something as pointing my finger at her daughter would trigger such a response.

I do know if she truly wants to go back I will let her but my heart will be heart broken since the little one is our daughter. But I know in my heart that if she decides to go back it will be best the little one goes even though I will be crushed. What was even more heart breaking was when i went up to find out why the little one did not come wake me up and she said I needed to go downstairs because mommy will be upset at her for talking to daddy. That is the last thing i want to happen.

I quess I have two choices

1) try and talk sense into her

2) call her bluff and let her go back and take a ten year ban.

It took me 4 years to get her here and only one little fight and a pointing of a finger to get her fired off at me.

I just want is best for my daughter, know she is very attached to her mom becasue for 5 years she has taken care of her and now I am in the picture. I love them both but I jus twant them to be happy.....

[2LoveForever 0]

Plead with her to go see a marriage counselor........don't let her go on a bad note.........the distance could destroy you forever.........is it worth the risk? Try to get professional help.........everybody needs it once in awhile!!!!

[SoCalMark 49]

The adjustment period takes many months and I think you are acting irrational --- STOP thinking like an American. Her belief system is different than yours. "1) try and talk sense into her" -- Is that YOUR sense or HER sense? You have to fund out WHY her reaction was like that and come to an agreement on discipline. If you are tossing out all that you have been waiting for one incident I think you are being foolish. Filipinas are VERY protective of their young and you actually don't have a stake in the raising of a child as much as you think you do. Her upbringing is much different than yours and I think you owe it to yourself AND her to find out why that bothers her. Simply "shipping her back" isn't the right answer ... this isn't something you just bought from Sears and you want to return it because it doesn't work "the way you want it to" - That's my peace of mind on the subject - GIVE IT TIME! Most FilAm relationships (without children) take a year in this country to get the hang of it. If she is upset enough to call her relatives to go back I can assure you there is more than one reason and it's not because you simply pointed your finger.

[Darnell 8,478]

I say help her pack her baggage and take them all to the plane.

It's great her sister is paying for the return trip. One less thing for you to worry about.

IMO, she's gone overboard and you should help her walk away.

Bonus points for getting her signature on any divorce filing document before she leaves the USA.

So, don't worry about calling her bluff, don't worry about reconciliation - she's already gotten her family involved and it's best she vacate your house.

If love mattered, well, it would matter to her, and she would not have had the reaction she had. This reaction is clear indication that love doesn't matter to her/for her. She's acting like a displaced OFW and not a loving, caring wife. You can't change that, so please help her vacate and get on the plane.

Edited December 10, 2013 by Darnell

[Marie Mendoza 1]

Letting her go is not the right thing to do, think like an adult. What just happened is a way of knowing each other better and way to handle things in a more careful manner. Marriage is not a harbor, but a voyage my dear. You are dealing with your family and not just anybody else.

[clairegie 265]

People really do make very bad decisions when emotions are through the roof. I don't think she is bluffing but I don't think she can push through either. Sometimes, women just want to be "chased". You already tried talking some sense to her, you've done your part. If she still decides to go home, let her. Marriage is about staying together through thick and thin, and not running for the hills when the going gets tough. 4 years wasted. meh.

[mik2012 17]

The adjustment period takes many months and I think you are acting irrational --- STOP thinking like an American. Her belief system is different than yours. "1) try and talk sense into her" -- Is that YOUR sense or HER sense? You have to fund out WHY her reaction was like that and come to an agreement on discipline. If you are tossing out all that you have been waiting for one incident I think you are being foolish. Filipinas are VERY protective of their young and you actually don't have a stake in the raising of a child as much as you think you do. Her upbringing is much different than yours and I think you owe it to yourself AND her to find out why that bothers her. Simply "shipping her back" isn't the right answer ... this isn't something you just bought from Sears and you want to return it because it doesn't work "the way you want it to" - That's my peace of mind on the subject - GIVE IT TIME! Most FilAm relationships (without children) take a year in this country to get the hang of it. If she is upset enough to call her relatives to go back I can assure you there is more than one reason and it's not because you simply pointed your finger.

Ok first of all, I was hit by a very heater on the head and by a plastic trash can when she went off the handle. I have only seen her act like this on one othe roccassion and she told me she was just kidding because she wanted to see if i loved her.

Stop thinking like an American, how else am I suppose to think. I am thinking what is best for our daughter. if she is unhappy then I have always been in agreement of letting her return. But i do not want to have her go over a little arguement our first since we got married.

I did not say I was shipping her back, she said she is going back, I just said I have to look at what is best for my daughter and if it means my wife wants to go back then our daughter should go with her because she is very bonded to her mom and I would never want to break that up. I am the one that wants her to stay and I go out of my way to ensure they have everything.

I am not pointing fingers, last week when I was spitting up blood for three days do to a very bad lung infection she was more concern about not having the 40 dollars I needed for medication. Telling me that it was my problem and not hers that i got sick and could not understand why they wanted me to take a few days off from work so they could wait for test to come back to see if I had TB or other infectious desease and due to where I worked they did not think i should be at work and plus i have well over 600 hours of sick time.

So do not tell me I am not understanding, I have gone out of my way to the extent i give her the gas money budget and sleep in our mini van at work so her daughters get what they want. 3 to 4 nights of the week I stay at work so they can eat out or get what they need because it is my responsiblity to make sure they are provided for and I go to great extent to make sure they are.

So, if you read the post you would see that she wants to go back and I want her to stay, so before you post something you should read what it actually says.

Edited December 10, 2013 by mik2012

[F2aSonofLPR 15]

She's still on adjustment period. Did you apologized to her for pointing your finger to the daughter? Pointing your finger may not be mean anything to you , but in other culture including Philippines, for her, it's hurtful and demeaning. But you should have an open line of communication between each other. Her going home does not solve the issue and the gesture just not justify breaking up the family. I'm sure she still loves you.

[Cathi 5,610]

The adjustment period takes many months and I think you are acting irrational --- STOP thinking like an American. Her belief system is different than yours. "1) try and talk sense into her" -- Is that YOUR sense or HER sense? You have to fund out WHY her reaction was like that and come to an agreement on discipline. If you are tossing out all that you have been waiting for one incident I think you are being foolish. Filipinas are VERY protective of their young and you actually don't have a stake in the raising of a child as much as you think you do. Her upbringing is much different than yours and I think you owe it to yourself AND her to find out why that bothers her. Simply "shipping her back" isn't the right answer ... this isn't something you just bought from Sears and you want to return it because it doesn't work "the way you want it to" - That's my peace of mind on the subject - GIVE IT TIME! Most FilAm relationships (without children) take a year in this country to get the hang of it. If she is upset enough to call her relatives to go back I can assure you there is more than one reason and it's not because you simply pointed your finger.

he never said anything about wanting to " ship her back", she is the one who contacted her sister and told him she was leaving. The OP stated he wants to try to get her to,stay and asked for advice. He is an American, how else is he supposed to,think? He is trying to do everything in his power to keep his family together and stated he would be heartbroken if she left.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

She's still on adjustment period. Did you apologized to her for pointing your finger to the daughter? Pointing your finger may not be mean anything to you , but in other culture including Philippines, for her, it's hurtful and demeaning. But you should have an open line of communication between each other. Her going home does not solve the issue and the gesture just not justify breaking up the family. I'm sure she still loves you.

I am sure hitting OP on the head and throwing plastic trash at him is also a form of pinay love.

[F2aSonofLPR 15]

I am sure hitting OP on the head and throwing plastic trash at him is also a form of pinay love.

I was responding based on him pointing his finger to the kid. I'm not here to judge but, I would like to know her other side of story.

[clairegie 265]

I was responding based on him pointing his finger to the kid. I'm not here to judge but, I would like to know her other side of story.

Doesn't really matter if we hear either sides. what matters is if she is mature enough to stay and make the marriage work. To the OP, let her go. Maybe her mind will clear up a bit once she realizes what she lost. She needs to realize why she and her kids were even brought to the US in the first place, mainly to give the kids a better life. She shouldn't be deciding like it wont affect the kids. Very selfish to just up and leave like that.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Let her go. Better now than once she has permanent legal status, and takes you to the cleaners. BTW, careful what you say and do. Time to CYA. It's five of them versus one of you, and it would be easy for her to take everything you own and still get green cards for herself and her daughters under VAWA.

[mik2012 17]

I was responding based on him pointing his finger to the kid. I'm not here to judge but, I would like to know her other side of story.

I pointed my non middle finger at her after she did not go upstairs when I asked her to go upstairs so i could calm down mom and speak to her about taking 30 dollars for gas so i could get to work and replacing it by giving her 300 this friday and 350 next friday for christmas. When her daughter did not go upstairs I turned and pointed the finger next to the thumb and said A. please go upstairs and let me deal with your mom, that is whne she really went off the handle telling me never to pioint at her kids that they are only my stepdaughters and her daughters and she went into a rage over it. I have and will never raise my voice to her children because there is no need of it. I agreed when they came here they would be disciplined by her and never me.

[Darnell 8,478]

I am sure hitting OP on the head and throwing plastic trash at him is also a form of pinay love.

I am shocked that the OP made a choice to sleep in his mini van parked at his work instead of sleeping at home each night. Sure, might be some massive 3 hour drive, one way, from work to home, as he speaks of a gas budget, but Good Lord -

something is really amiss. I stand by my original post.