Ready to File AOS but she is acting out

[F2aSonofLPR 15]

I pointed my non middle finger at her after she did not go upstairs when I asked her to go upstairs so i could calm down mom and speak to her about taking 30 dollars for gas so i could get to work and replacing it by giving her 300 this friday and 350 next friday for christmas. When her daughter did not go upstairs I turned and pointed the finger next to the thumb and said A. please go upstairs and let me deal with your mom, that is whne she really went off the handle telling me never to pioint at her kids that they are only my stepdaughters and her daughters and she went into a rage over it. I have and will never raise my voice to her children because there is no need of it. I agreed when they came here they would be disciplined by her and never me.

And, I wasn't anticipating that you used your middle finger when pointing at her because you use your index finger when you point at someone. I think, this is just a simple misunderstanding that can be solved.

[mik2012 17]

I am shocked that the OP made a choice to sleep in his mini van parked at his work instead of sleeping at home each night. Sure, might be some massive 3 hour drive, one way, from work to home, as he speaks of a gas budget, but Good Lord -

something is really amiss. I stand by my original post.

I have a 2 1/2 hour drive to where i work from home and the van gets 12 to 13 gallons a mile so it cost approx 140 to 160 a week in gas compared to 65 for the car, unfortunately the car has a major electrical short and we need to wait for the tax refund to get it repaired.

By adding 5 people to my work insurance I have 240 dollars a week for coverage meaning 960 dolalrs a month out of my paycheck, plus 230 additional for the van i had to get since there is 5 of us and 189 for insurance so there is approx 1398.00 less for us in our budget. then it cost approx 12300 dollars for visas and plane tickets which added another 300.00 out of pocket expense leaving us on a very tight budget. then you add on the doctor visists for for the next month and there medication there is another 120.00 out of pocket. So when you say something is admiss here are the facts.

i rather sleep in the mini and make a sacrifice so i can be a good provider. A second job is out of the question right now do to health issues and it would be against dr's advise to get a second job at this time. So i make a lot of sacrifices including sleeping in the mini van to make this work. I rather go with out eating three days a week and sleep in the mini van to keep them happy. being a good provider means you do what you have to do and instead of using up all my vacation time when I do not have the gas budget i will sleep in the mini van. i rather be home and have my little one wake me up every morning but reality is everyone's budget is tight but trying to explain to her that we should put a little money away each week and stick to the budget she still insists that here daughters come first.

So do the math and then tell me there is something amiss, i love my family and I will do what it takes to make it work.

Edited December 10, 2013 by mik2012

[pete_falcone 7]

If everything you say is true, then your "wife" needs to know her place and get with the damned program. Regardless of any standard, her attitude is way too untrusting and obsessive. At the same time, your compassion for them, while admirable, shouldn't cause massive inconvenience and unhappiness in your own life. If God or a marriage counselor can't fix your relationship, then it's time to send her back. Some people aren't meant to hack it here.

[Sthica09 1]

Well I can't assume any advice I would give to be correct so all I will say is good luck.

[jhonster 23]

My goodness. I've been around Filipinos all my life....and I have never seen where hitting someone over the head with a plastic trashcan was considered a joke. Sorry. This woman sounds very immature and has a terrible temper. Physical abuse is never acceptable. Period.

You pointing a finger at a child is no big deal. If your wife respects you and shows you respect as the husband and head of the household....she would stand beside you in disciplining her child (which is basically your step child now). If she is a good wife, she will support you provided you are not being abusive.

It sounds like the both of you have tempers. At the very least, it sounds like she does for sure. If you have to "calm her down" and she's not able to do it on her own....that is a maturity problem. And quite frankly...shouldn't be raising any children nor telling you how to discipline hers. 4 kids? Well...I won't even go into that. But anyway, she is here. And if you love her and she loves you....try to work things out with her. Because this will be very hard to undo if she goes back. But having gone through being married to another foreign national in the past....if she has maturity issues or temper control issues, time to bail out asap. That takes LOTS of time to correct through therapy (if it ever does correct itself). Sometimes you just have to realize that you guys aren't meant to be....and getting out early might be a blessing in disguise. #1....take care of your health. There is only ONE YOU! Blood from coughing? You've got some major medical problems. Your wife should be doing everything to help you and not give you more stress than you are already experiencing. If you don't resolve this with your wife....my wife has a sister that would take VERY good care of you...and she only has one 4 year old daughter.

Hope things work out for you.

[irishc30 4]

I am sure hitting OP on the head and throwing plastic trash at him is also a form of pinay love.

that's not pinay love. that's what I call "retarded love".

[Cathi 5,616]

The adjustment period takes many months and I think you are acting irrational --- STOP thinking like an American. Her belief system is different than yours. "1) try and talk sense into her" -- Is that YOUR sense or HER sense? You have to fund out WHY her reaction was like that and come to an agreement on discipline. If you are tossing out all that you have been waiting for one incident I think you are being foolish. Filipinas are VERY protective of their young and you actually don't have a stake in the raising of a child as much as you think you do. Her upbringing is much different than yours and I think you owe it to yourself AND her to find out why that bothers her. Simply "shipping her back" isn't the right answer ... this isn't something you just bought from Sears and you want to return it because it doesn't work "the way you want it to" - That's my peace of mind on the subject - GIVE IT TIME! Most FilAm relationships (without children) take a year in this country to get the hang of it. If she is upset enough to call her relatives to go back I can assure you there is more than one reason and it's not because you simply pointed your finger.

what mother ISN'T protective of their children? Filipina women are not the only women on the planet who are concerned about the well being of their children. The woman threw a trash can at his head, that is a little much for merely pointing finger, that is borderline spousal abuse. Being from a different country and culture doesn't give one the excuse to over react to any given situation. This man is sleeping in his car to save on gas money so he can afford to support his family, and she threatens to go home over a finger? Really???

[Darnell 8,478]

Perhaps they are suffering from a protracted time of adjustment to each other,

as he's not there each day. That's what I'm thinking, after making more time to think about his exact situation.

If that's the case, then his wife needs to make more concerted effort to validate his sacrifices that he's made to keep 'the family' together.

IMO, no man can handle continuous tampo from a Pinay lass - it very well may be that's what's hitting him, each and every time he returns to the house.

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

Taking a while to adjust to a different life, culture, and marriage is normal. Arguing between two people who suddenly live together everyday is normal. Not sseing eye to eye on household issues is normal.

But not wanting to work things out in a mature manner is NOT normal, nor is it conducive to a good marriage. It takes sacrifice by BOTH partners. It takes love and understanding. My wife has said things in anger that she did not really mean, and though it is hard for her to admit when she is wrong, she shows it. I try not to go to bed angry, but sometimes it happens. Never, however, has that anger persisted the next day. The threat of "going back home" (used in either direction) is just a copout, the easy solution, aka running away. Staying to resolve the issue, that's where the real money is.

If she seriously wants to leave, a day or two after the argument, then I would say let her go. As long as she has her GC, there is no ban if she comes back in a reasonable amount of time. But if her sister pays for her to go to the PI, and she leaves, I would make sure she understands that she will have to pay her own way back to the US (sounds to me like it's not in your budget anyway to front that many tickets). If she goes home and cools off, then she will come back. If it takes going home to cool off, she may have more issues than you are willing to put up with. And if she leaves for good, then you know she wasn't the right one, no matter how great she seemed months ago. It happens sometimes, chalk it up as a life experience, and try to get to know your next wife better before you "put a ring on it".

Either way, best of luck, hope it all works out in the end for you, in your best interest. Just remember... staying together just for the sake of avoiding a divorce is NOT always the best course of action. Forever is a long time, made even longer when you are with someone whom you are not truly happy with.

[Kevo 69]

I won't offer advice as I'm sure there's way more to this story because it doesn't add up.

But, are you sure about the 10 year ban if she leaves? I'm not an immigration expert, but my understanding is that if you two were married within 90 days of her arrival then her status isn't illegal even if it takes a while to start AOS. There's no set time limit as to when AOS must be started/completed, correct?

Edited December 15, 2013 by Kevo

[Darnell 8,478]

the bar starts counting the day after the I-94 expires.

then there's a set of ranges that mean something, I can never remember what's what.

I do know 180 days to a 365 days - that's a 3 year bar.

and > 365 days is a 10 year bar.

so if she goes back without having AP or greencard in hand, she'll be subject to a bar.

OTOH, if the AOS is filed and the greencard is issued, the overstay is automagically forgiven, without other paperwork. Those that wait > 2 years after the I-94 expires must file the I-130 in addition to the rest of the stuff, even when remaining inside the USA.

Edited December 15, 2013 by Darnell

[Gwapo1ako 14]

So do not tell me I am not understanding, I have gone out of my way to the extent i give her the gas money budget and sleep in our mini van at work so her daughters get what they want. 3 to 4 nights of the week I stay at work so they can eat out or get what they need because it is my responsiblity to make sure they are provided for and I go to great extent to make sure they are.

So, if you read the post you would see that she wants to go back and I want her to stay, so before you post something you should read what it actually says.

You are working that hard so she can decide to have her and the kids "eat out"... what the heck??

It is not just about adjustment but also about having more common sense and figure that groceries and actually cooking food should be cheaper and if anything, at least be healthier.

Seriously, what is she thinking?

Does she think the fast food here is the same price as Jollibee in the Philippines?

Also, yes, she is from the Philippines but this is America. Yes, there is an adjustment period, but every Filipino that comes to the US knows that they too must adjust quickly.

I was born in PI and lived in the US most of my life so adjustment was not bad, BUT I have had many of my relatives come over and adjust pretty quickly to the very quick pace lifestyle in the Northeast and especially the many different types of people and customs in the US.

Yes, she does deserve some time to adjust but she has to realize that she has to make those adjustments to a different culture and lifestyle

[SoCalMark 49]

Ok first of all, I was hit by a very heater on the head and by a plastic trash can when she went off the handle. I have only seen her act like this on one othe roccassion and she told me she was just kidding because she wanted to see if i loved her.

Stop thinking like an American, how else am I ...........

The last thing anyone should do is ask for marital/relationship advise on an open forum where only one side of the story is told.