my relationship is deteriorating

[davenella 21]

Hey VJ

As you all know, life is not pink and fairy tales.

Me and my partner had been having so many fights and horrible ones for over a month and a half.

I have a bad temper but i'm very honest, i don't shut up things but i've been realizing that he have been acting some times in a different way. Like a person that i never thought he should be and scares me because my family and friends were exposed.

I just want to know, if any of you VJ have been in a bad spot in the middle of the process with their partners?

Of course i'm not asking what shoudl we do. Just curious if someone else have had a similar experience,

Thank you!

[Pitaya 2,576]

~Moved from K-1 Progress to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits Forum~

~Not related to K-1 case filing/progress~

[pachacuti 154]

My fiancee and I certainly had our ups and downs. The downs were mostly my fault, and I realize that. My situation is (was) pretty complicated and I didn't always handle it the best way (even though I always thought I was doing the best I could). Needless to say, she took a chance on me. But I don't really know if that is something I would recommend.

You know him better than we do. Keep in mind a few things. You guys have only known each other a short time and you have only been together for short periods and at a distance. Being together all the time will be very different, which is a double-edged sword. You will have to ask yourself what this side of him means. Is it brought about by the stress of the process, by the stress of being apart, or is this some sign of something that may manifest itself in unpleasant ways when you are living together. You will be living together... Up until now, you have always kind of been on vacation together, not living together, getting on with the mundane things in life. How will living in Mundania be for the two of you? Have you talked about that?

Are you going to be living in Arcata, CA? That is kind of remote. It is a bit of a drive from Eureka, which is no big city or anything. A quite a stretch from SF. You are a Limenha. Have you thought about how life is going to be living in those kinds of circumstances? That will affect you. Even with the best relationship. You will pretty much be living in small town USA. You will possibly be more reliant on him. Your family and friends will be thousands of miles away. The life you knew in Lima will be gone. Of course, you will make a new one in the USA, but it will be a while before that happens and there will be a period of time where you will sorely miss your friends, your family. You will miss meeting at cafes in Miraflores just to pass the time. You will miss going out on Friday night to dance and drink and then get some anticuchos. You will be hard-pressed to find a good ceviche.

My fiancee has been here with me now for just over 3 weeks and things are going splendidly. But I thought of a lot of these things before she came. I moved to an area where she can get to shops and a mall, etc, until she is driving (oh yeah, you won't be driving for a while... that is hard here). We have our son and he takes most of our time and energy. We have only had a few adjustments to make, and have snipped at each other a couple of times, but both of us recognize that things are going great. Washington weather has cooperated so far and she has seen the best of Seattle and Olympia, but I worry about when the rains start in earnest She is studying for her driving exam and then I will teach her to drive (hopefully that won't end our relationship) and luckily you can do this in Washington state, but can you in California? If not, you will wait longer to start that part. I got her a membership at a gym, which reanimates her each time she goes. We registered her in English classes right away (even though her English is very good and she was put in advanced, she is meeting people and making friends). I take the boy and we go off to have fun on our own for a couple of hours every day, just so she can have some "me" time. My point here is that there are all kinds of adjustments and the two of us work at them. I want her to be happy and she wants me to be happy and we both want to be together, so we work at it. And so far it is working. But, even so, in these 3 short weeks she has gone through a few days where she was depressed and missing her friends and family. There was one day, that she even had a little break-down. Both of you need to be prepared for this. You should be talking about this now.

No one will be able to tell you what you should do (and I don't think you even asked), but I hope my sharing this at least sheds a little light on what you should be thinking about.

I wish you all the best.

Mark

[lierre 224]

I don't know anything about you and your fiance.

But, I know about my relationship. Ours was long distance for the almost 2 years we had before we got married. Funny enough, we argued a lot more right before he flew to my country for us to get married. We're now working on CR1

Relationships certainly is not like how it is fairy tales. That's why fairy tales are such, they aren't real. You have a very human person you are in a relationship with. He has his work/school issues and family issues. Respect his boundaries and have him be himself even when he is in a relationship with you.

Also, he is a person with insecurities. Which are likely multiplied by the fact that you guys are living far apart. There will always be trust issues. There will always be friends he doesn't want you to go out with (ex. Mine hated 3 of my friends) and there will always be people your fiance hangs out with that you'd rather he not. Solution? Come to a compromise. Does he want you to tell him all about what you and your girlfriends did on your night out? Is that gonna make him feel assured of your faithfulness? Then, do so.

I've learned that you have got to pick your battles. You are two people who will be sharing one life one day. You can no longer be selfish. You have to include him in your life's plan

Hope this wasn't too much and I hope it helps you sort out your feelings

[davenella 21]

My fiancee and I certainly had our ups and downs. The downs were mostly my fault, and I realize that. My situation is (was) pretty complicated and I didn't always handle it the best way (even though I always thought I was doing the best I could). Needless to say, she took a chance on me. But I don't really know if that is something I would recommend.

You know him better than we do. Keep in mind a few things. You guys have only known each other a short time and you have only been together for short periods and at a distance. Being together all the time will be very different, which is a double-edged sword. You will have to ask yourself what this side of him means. Is it brought about by the stress of the process, by the stress of being apart, or is this some sign of something that may manifest itself in unpleasant ways when you are living together. You will be living together... Up until now, you have always kind of been on vacation together, not living together, getting on with the mundane things in life. How will living in Mundania be for the two of you? Have you talked about that?

Are you going to be living in Arcata, CA? That is kind of remote. It is a bit of a drive from Eureka, which is no big city or anything. A quite a stretch from SF. You are a Limenha. Have you thought about how life is going to be living in those kinds of circumstances? That will affect you. Even with the best relationship. You will pretty much be living in small town USA. You will possibly be more reliant on him. Your family and friends will be thousands of miles away. The life you knew in Lima will be gone. Of course, you will make a new one in the USA, but it will be a while before that happens and there will be a period of time where you will sorely miss your friends, your family. You will miss meeting at cafes in Miraflores just to pass the time. You will miss going out on Friday night to dance and drink and then get some anticuchos. You will be hard-pressed to find a good ceviche.

My fiancee has been here with me now for just over 3 weeks and things are going splendidly. But I thought of a lot of these things before she came. I moved to an area where she can get to shops and a mall, etc, until she is driving (oh yeah, you won't be driving for a while... that is hard here). We have our son and he takes most of our time and energy. We have only had a few adjustments to make, and have snipped at each other a couple of times, but both of us recognize that things are going great. Washington weather has cooperated so far and she has seen the best of Seattle and Olympia, but I worry about when the rains start in earnest She is studying for her driving exam and then I will teach her to drive (hopefully that won't end our relationship) and luckily you can do this in Washington state, but can you in California? If not, you will wait longer to start that part. I got her a membership at a gym, which reanimates her each time she goes. We registered her in English classes right away (even though her English is very good and she was put in advanced, she is meeting people and making friends). I take the boy and we go off to have fun on our own for a couple of hours every day, just so she can have some "me" time. My point here is that there are all kinds of adjustments and the two of us work at them. I want her to be happy and she wants me to be happy and we both want to be together, so we work at it. And so far it is working. But, even so, in these 3 short weeks she has gone through a few days where she was depressed and missing her friends and family. There was one day, that she even had a little break-down. Both of you need to be prepared for this. You should be talking about this now.

No one will be able to tell you what you should do (and I don't think you even asked), but I hope my sharing this at least sheds a little light on what you should be thinking about.

I wish you all the best.

Mark

If i could put more points to your answer i will put a thousand!

[davenella 21]

I don't know anything about you and your fiance.

But, I know about my relationship. Ours was long distance for the almost 2 years we had before we got married. Funny enough, we argued a lot more right before he flew to my country for us to get married. We're now working on CR1

Relationships certainly is not like how it is fairy tales. That's why fairy tales are such, they aren't real. You have a very human person you are in a relationship with. He has his work/school issues and family issues. Respect his boundaries and have him be himself even when he is in a relationship with you.

Also, he is a person with insecurities. Which are likely multiplied by the fact that you guys are living far apart. There will always be trust issues. There will always be friends he doesn't want you to go out with (ex. Mine hated 3 of my friends) and there will always be people your fiance hangs out with that you'd rather he not. Solution? Come to a compromise. Does he want you to tell him all about what you and your girlfriends did on your night out? Is that gonna make him feel assured of your faithfulness? Then, do so.

I've learned that you have got to pick your battles. You are two people who will be sharing one life one day. You can no longer be selfish. You have to include him in your life's plan

Hope this wasn't too much and I hope it helps you sort out your feelings

Thank you too much for answer. It was funny about hating some of his friends ... I hate one of them and she is like 10 annoying friends in 1!

Thank youuuu

[Gosia & Tito 199]

Hey VJ

As you all know, life is not pink and fairy tales.

Me and my partner had been having so many fights and horrible ones for over a month and a half.

I have a bad temper but i'm very honest, i don't shut up things but i've been realizing that he have been acting some times in a different way. Like a person that i never thought he should be and scares me because my family and friends were exposed.

I just want to know, if any of you VJ have been in a bad spot in the middle of the process with their partners?

Of course i'm not asking what shoudl we do. Just curious if someone else have had a similar experience,

Thank you!

Culturally, there will always be differences, even if the couple comes from the same country but one has lived outside that country for a long time.

And also, we need to be aware that you can't stereotype your partner as all LatinAmericans are same. They are not, I should know because I am one, and born in Peru actually.

But regardless of country, something that is quite important is that each of the person in the couple needs to adapt to other and meet half way so to speak. Just saying, 'that's how I am and I can't/won't change' does not fly or at least should not. Those differences you are finding now will only amplify over time. We as many others, have our differences, lot of it because we were raised in different countries and there were initial expectations of how the other should be. For example, I'm very much in favor of women independence, something I got used to from the time I lived in Sweden. But I've found that Polish women don't (not all) necesarily want to have that independence, thus I adjust and I now make some decisions, but I always consult.

It is also normal thatr as a couple, dynamics change, and some things you did not do before now you do, and viceversa. Now, something I can say is that for most Latins, what others consider a 'horrible fight' is just what we could call a difference of opinion; what happens and this I also can say first hand because my wife has pointed out, the fact that I move my hands a lot when talking seems to her that I'm fighting. I'm not, is just how I talk; but the feedback is good, so now I tone it down some, being conscious that it does have an effect.

So, bottom line, there is an adjustment, but it has to be on both sides, a unilaterla one wil only cause resentment in the long term IMHO. Also, because of hwo the dynamics work, now, one we reach some agreement or decision, I go thru it again in detail to make sure that I got it right and that she got it right; my latest example, our next trip out of the US requires that she meets me in another country, but not before she stop over in a third one, on her own; so I need to make sure that she undertands that she will be on her own -sort of-, because I can make arrangement for a relative to meet her in the airport in that 3rd country and even take her home for rest if she feels like; and make sure she boards the next flight right. Esentially, I assume nothing and ensure that it is very explicitly defined what will happen and what not. Last thing I want is a wife in an airport where she's never been and where she doesn't speak the language and I'm 5000 miles away.

In summary, talk talk talk; and that does not mean one talks and the other listens all the time.

Hope this helps

[davenella 21]

Culturally, there will always be differences, even if the couple comes from the same country but one has lived outside that country for a long time.

And also, we need to be aware that you can't stereotype your partner as all LatinAmericans are same. They are not, I should know because I am one, and born in Peru actually.

But regardless of country, something that is quite important is that each of the person in the couple needs to adapt to other and meet half way so to speak. Just saying, 'that's how I am and I can't/won't change' does not fly or at least should not. Those differences you are finding now will only amplify over time. We as many others, have our differences, lot of it because we were raised in different countries and there were initial expectations of how the other should be. For example, I'm very much in favor of women independence, something I got used to from the time I lived in Sweden. But I've found that Polish women don't (not all) necesarily want to have that independence, thus I adjust and I now make some decisions, but I always consult.

It is also normal thatr as a couple, dynamics change, and some things you did not do before now you do, and viceversa. Now, something I can say is that for most Latins, what others consider a 'horrible fight' is just what we could call a difference of opinion; what happens and this I also can say first hand because my wife has pointed out, the fact that I move my hands a lot when talking seems to her that I'm fighting. I'm not, is just how I talk; but the feedback is good, so now I tone it down some, being conscious that it does have an effect.

So, bottom line, there is an adjustment, but it has to be on both sides, a unilaterla one wil only cause resentment in the long term IMHO. Also, because of hwo the dynamics work, now, one we reach some agreement or decision, I go thru it again in detail to make sure that I got it right and that she got it right; my latest example, our next trip out of the US requires that she meets me in another country, but not before she stop over in a third one, on her own; so I need to make sure that she undertands that she will be on her own -sort of-, because I can make arrangement for a relative to meet her in the airport in that 3rd country and even take her home for rest if she feels like; and make sure she boards the next flight right. Esentially, I assume nothing and ensure that it is very explicitly defined what will happen and what not. Last thing I want is a wife in an airport where she's never been and where she doesn't speak the language and I'm 5000 miles away.

In summary, talk talk talk; and that does not mean one talks and the other listens all the time.

Hope this helps

Thank you so much. It is right and fair for both to meet in the half way. That's so true.

[berber_wife 90]

Personally, I think if you have only been together for a year and a half (give or take some months) and you are already having "horrible fights," then maybe it isn't the right relationship for you. Long-distance is hard (oh is it ever!) but so is kids, job stress, health problems, figuring out elder care for parents and oh yeah, moving your entire life to a different country. If your relationship isn't strong now, how will it withstand all those tests that inevitably occur within a marriage over the course of the next 50 years?

[ir0nK1visa 2]

If you can not talk it out as a couple should, PLEASE consider seeing a marriage therapist before something really negative occurs. I can tell you that I am a USC(this is a new profile for many reasons) with a wife from Peru that could say the same about me, but the truth is there are two sides to the story and I will not bore you with my details. At this point I made the one very CRITICAL mistake to buy her a ticket back home out of pure frustration, anger, confusion, immaturity one night. I will say I tried, tried to communicate, meet halfway with her to discuss our differences, but after 3+ weeks of arguments for more than 10 of those 21 days I exploded and bought her the ticket back home. May I have approached it the wrong way possibly, but I honestly tried to resolve our issues calmly between us. Well she did not go home and is still in the USA. I am trying to open the communications, but I KNOW it will be almost impossible after the disappointment of buying her that ticket.

So, all I can say as I looked back on everything that was happening, yes I knew the changes would be very difficult for her, it could take a year, 2 maybe longer to adapt, but I did expect(another err on my part) that she would be more willing to discuss our differences. If needed agree to disagree, meet halfway, but instead she would shut down and not talk to me. The worse part is she would talk to her friends about our situation.

In the end, I really wish we had gone to some therapy to work on our differences before I took that critical, grave step. So, I'd suggest that if anything see a therapist. Then again it is up to the two of you where you go. God Bless!

[kmiami15 8]

what I can say is COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION & COMMUNICATION..... it is hard, especially with long distance, but we all are/were in those shoes.... is it worth the argument? maybe find another way to approach this person.... but always be up front with things.... It might not be a great help but at least it helps to let you know that I have been there and are there.... usually what happens with us is that right after I go meet him or he comes, we end up fighting the day or two right after.... I never know why, but it always happen.... little small things.... out of frustration I guess.... but we are almost there

[Greg&Set 3]

Hey VJ

As you all know, life is not pink and fairy tales.

Me and my partner had been having so many fights and horrible ones for over a month and a half.

I have a bad temper but i'm very honest, i don't shut up things but i've been realizing that he have been acting some times in a different way. Like a person that i never thought he should be and scares me because my family and friends were exposed.

I just want to know, if any of you VJ have been in a bad spot in the middle of the process with their partners?

Of course i'm not asking what shoudl we do. Just curious if someone else have had a similar experience,

Thank you!

A relationship is like taking a roller coaster ride. When it brings you up, you often just look straight not as scary as when the ride brings you down. When it brings you down, you have to hold on real tight to overcome fear. That is exactly how we can describe a relationship with our fiance/e or husbands/wife. When we have problems, we have to hold on to each other tight to make it work, a thing called compromise. We have to respect and learn each other's individuality since we are brought up in diffrent ways, etc. Sometimes we do not agree with each other what is important is that we have to learn on how to handle each other.

When we decided to love, we also decided that we may be hurt at times because of this love.

At the end of the day, is he/ she the one you want to grow old with? One great thing is if you guys share a healthy conversation most of the time.

[Jeanna 21]

I'm actually happy my fiance and I have had this experience. We have learned a lot about each other, how we handle stress, how we handle the ups and downs of life. Of course, being apart usually puts more of a strain on a relationship. When we saw we were starting to get short with each other or snippy we would back off and really evaluate. Is there really a problem or is it long-distance communication that is causing it?

Usually it would be the inability to see each other's face to understand what context something was being said in. Or I would transfer things that happened to me in the past to him, which wasn't fair. Thankfully we worked through our little issues and it's made us stronger and more aware.

Talk, communicate, and trust your gut.

[Nicoco 26]

I remember feeling like this when we were going through the K-1 process. I felt like everyday away from him, talking on crappy skype to his cellphone because he didn't have internet regularly, was deteriorating our relationship. We fought a lot...mostly because there was nothing else to do other than planning, waiting for the future. I'm pretty sure it has something to do also with the fact that at the time I was only 20 and he was 21 years old. But you know what? It's two years later, and while the process of K-1 was horribly long and draining, it strengthened our relationship at the end of the process. We still talk about how we overcame everything that had happened to us.... we were fighting a lot, his country was in a flood during part of the process and he didn't have clean water or food, I was working full time and in college full time during the process, and it was just chaos! I was staying up until 3 am every morning talking to him because his country is exactly 12 hours apart, and then waking up at 7 am and going to work. No wonder we fought.

I know it seems like it's bad now... and people here may mention about when you have to take care of children, or other obstacles to overcome but the reality is that it's different when you're with your SO in person. You can look into their eyes and work out problems rather than trying to talk it over phone or message or a crappy webcam. It WILL be better.

[Allymash 7]

my fiance and I have been together for 5yrs and we could be more different. culturally - when we met I was just a Canadian catholic girl and he was born in Pakistan and comes a very conservative Muslim family. our personalities are very different both and we both think we are right all the time and it causes fighting- especially in the beginning. It took time for us to learn how to to communicate with each other. We work hard at it- we still fight- but that's life. relationships take a lot if work. You can't give up on it. We are very close now and being so different had helped form us into better people. I'm not nearly as angry and he is more patient with me. we know how to love each other now.

all I can say is be patient and learn to love one another.

be their support system.