Fiance betrays me

[Ban Hammer 12,901]

to the op - flush that #######. you can do better

[Ladylethal 12]

To me even if not engaged yet but into a serious relationship or just one where you are supposed to be seeing each other only is basis for commitment and respect. Cheating to me is disrespectful.

Only the OP can decide on what he'll do but if it were my case it'd be a simple one: kissing is cheating, cheating is unforgivable. Easy as that.

Now really, even if I loved my husband to bits, and couldn't think of life without him (which is how I feel btw) I'd leave him if he ever cheated on me.

[Lizzy 0]

It all comes down to what YOU want, you can take all the advice here until the world stops turning but its what you already know in your heart that counts.

The age difference, yes its big but before this happened you where willing to marry her anyways. So why change your stance on that now?

15 mins of kissing in my book is not a breaking up offence but i suppose if your thinking all the time she will do it again, its an issue. I myself would not stay if my husband cheated on me or him if the tables where turned.

Just my bit of advice:)

Whatever you decide to do hon, i hope you are happy in the future.

Edited November 27, 2006 by Lizzy

[Aussielad 37]

you need to end it, its going no where, my best advice, cut your ties, move on,....your just screwing oyurself in teh end,...especially if you bring her to the U.S.

Remember the Affidavit of support?!?!?!?....10 years binding my friend....think about it.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Yesterday my fiance told me that she made out with another guy for 15 min. She says no intercourse, but the requisite amount of kissing and touching. There is only one American man in her college. She decides to make friends with him, then goes to his dorm alone. Then she says she was surprised at what happened. I do admire her honesty in telling me about this 1 hour after it occurred. But my feeling is that we are engaged to be married. How can she do this to me? I also think, if she seeks the one American man in her college and does this with him, how can I bring her to the USA and trust her with all the American horndogs around here? It seems no way. Even though she swears it will never happen again and begs for another chance, I know I will just get hurt again. 4 trips to China, $25,000 and countless hours now seem all to be wasted. All thrown away in 15 minutes. But I am not an angel either. I lied about a previous marriage until my 3rd trip to China. Being 30 years older than her doesn't help either. But I came clean and I have been true to her (except about my past) since we met. Maybe it's my come uppance. Now I need to think about whether I should give her up. But I know now that I can't bring her here. Comments and thoughts (even brutally honest ones) are welcome.

Mike

I've read all 10 pages of this thread and still can't fathom why the person with whom your fiancée commited an indiscretion being an American man is in any way material to the issue you have been discussing. You might not agree with me, but I read quite a different essence to your post than many and I might be about to touch a nerve here, with what I am about to say, but you owe it to yourself to rule out the possibility.

I'm sorry you've been disappointed by her recent betrayal, but you really do need to address whether it is the act of "cheating" itself, that causes you concern, or quite possibly whether her feelings for you are really "genuine" that is the cause of your discomfort. I mention this because, if her indiscretion would not bar you from continuing a relationship in her country, why would it do so in the USA?

Edited November 27, 2006 by diadromous mermaid

[Jason and Gelyn 0]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you Mike, but it is really up to you to decide on this... And if you have lost your trust on her then its no use... LOVE and TRUST goes together if one is missing then its not going to work out... I hope you make a good decision.

chillin

[mawilson 2,133]

I've read all 10 pages of this thread and still can't fathom why the person with whom your fiancée commited an indiscretion being an American man is in any way material to the issue you have been discussing.

It's sort of relevant.

1) If she's after a green card, then any American would do.

2) If she loves him, it's possible that she wanted to spend some time with another

American to find out more about the country and practice her English.

[TracyLuis 0]

mawilson....your timeline cracks me up! Please...not while I'm at work

P.S. "timeline" = signature

[jamrok 0]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you Mike, but it is really up to you to decide on this... And if you have lost your trust on her then its no use... LOVE and TRUST goes together if one is missing then its not going to work out... I hope you make a good decision.

chillin

Mike, first I must say that I know exactly what you are feeling...after 3 failed marriages due to cheating

wives I have come away with some wisdom. First of all YOU are the ONLY one who knows if this woman

loves you.....you know in your GUT. Look for the answer there. Secondly, I know that under NORMAL

circumstances I woukld say kick her out of your life because from experience I have learned that once you

forgive an indescretion then you are paving the way for BIGGER ones. Now, my point is this girl did not have to tell you....this is a very crtical piece of fact.....yet she told you. My gut feeling? This relationahip is worth

investing the time to save. If that is the case then you need to speak with her and address some cold hard facts before she enters the USA. We should not be so quick to hang the offender....talk it out. Now, my other point' which is the age difference....would i date a woman 30 yrs younger than I am ? HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!! BUT

to each their own. I think the age difference is not the issue here.....work on your relationship...find out what

is it emotionally that she is lacking and give it. I believe this woman lost her head for the moment and was driven by her sense of guilt to tell you......that means something. I say these words as a man who has been

taken down by ex wives yet i am still able to recognise the good from the bad. God bless you Mike in your quest for the truth, I know this is a difficult time for you. PM me if you have a chance.

[sweety_pie 0]

What was $25,000 for?You spent this much for 4 trips to China???

[garya505 2]

Seems to me that the real issue here is a commitment to the relationship. I mean, would this woman do something like that if she was really committed to the relationship?

Without a real commitment, a relationship is fraught with peril, especially a long-distance one with a large age difference.

[mRx 16]

to the op - flush that #######. you can do better

[aussiewench 9]

Seems to me that the real issue here is a commitment to the relationship. I mean, would this woman do something like that if she was really committed to the relationship?

I would say to you and any others crucifying this gal for 15 minutes who did disclose this indiscretion to her fiance.....What of the many men who would say they are committed to their marriages and DO love their wives, that visit ladies of the night. You may say they are therefore not committed, they would beg to differ.

To the OP

Give the gal a break. 15 minutes, kissing for gawds sake and she told you. How many men would do the same, or women for that matter. I give her huge points for her honesty and the hope that she must of had in you loving her enough to forgive her. Just as you would of hoped that she forgave you for lying to her. She could of wondered what else have you lied about and dwelled on it. You don't indicate that she had done that. Instead she loved you enough to forgive.

[Jeff and Boo 0]

Yesterday my fiance told me that she made out with another guy for 15 min. She says no intercourse, but the requisite amount of kissing and touching. There is only one American man in her college. She decides to make friends with him, then goes to his dorm alone. Then she says she was surprised at what happened. I do admire her honesty in telling me about this 1 hour after it occurred. But my feeling is that we are engaged to be married. How can she do this to me? I also think, if she seeks the one American man in her college and does this with him, how can I bring her to the USA and trust her with all the American horndogs around here? It seems no way. Even though she swears it will never happen again and begs for another chance, I know I will just get hurt again. 4 trips to China, $25,000 and countless hours now seem all to be wasted. All thrown away in 15 minutes. But I am not an angel either. I lied about a previous marriage until my 3rd trip to China. Being 30 years older than her doesn't help either. But I came clean and I have been true to her (except about my past) since we met. Maybe it's my come uppance. Now I need to think about whether I should give her up. But I know now that I can't bring her here. Comments and thoughts (even brutally honest ones) are welcome.

Mike

Mike im sorry to hear that.. but life is always comes in round.. everybody has different opinion..the decision will always ends with you.. In my point of view as a girl.. the least thing that i would do is to HURT my love.. i would never do such a thing to break his heart....and as a person i will hanged onto what i pledged to him.. FAITHFULLNESS....BUT AGAIN DONT MISLOOK YOUR HEART.... if you stilll love her despite of what she did and willing to accept her.. then do it.. IF WITH DOUBTS AND FEARS DONT.. ITS YOUUUUUUUUUU who will suffer in the end..

[Ban Hammer 12,901]

Seems to me that the real issue here is a commitment to the relationship. I mean, would this woman do something like that if she was really committed to the relationship?

I would say to you and any others crucifying this gal for 15 minutes who did disclose this indiscretion to her fiance.....What of the many men who would say they are committed to their marriages and DO love their wives, that visit ladies of the night. You may say they are therefore not committed, they would beg to differ.

To the OP

Give the gal a break. 15 minutes, kissing for gawds sake and she told you. How many men would do the same, or women for that matter. I give her huge points for her honesty and the hope that she must of had in you loving her enough to forgive her. Just as you would of hoped that she forgave you for lying to her. She could of wondered what else have you lied about and dwelled on it. You don't indicate that she had done that. Instead she loved you enough to forgive.

aussie, it's a slippery slope one embarks on anytime that above occurs. somewhere in there was not just kissing.........

the best answer is never cross that line. furthermore, if she is doing that prior to even being married, does that not give him a valid reason to strongly reconsider the visa process with her?

having been in his shoes about 5 years ago by being with a SO that was a serial cheater, i must consider what he's telling us to be a clear indication of what's in the future for him. and the one thing i learned from my previous experience is a leopard does not change its spots