money problems in paradise...

[madtownguy 164]

I've seen a few posts that mention it's normal for fiances family to ask for money in the Philippines when emergencies come up. I had already sat down and explained to my fiances family that I will not be sending any money back, that my fiance can send back 100% of whatever money she makes. I really didn't think anything that major would come up, but I was sadly mistaken. Her brother got into a motorcycle accident and when I heard the cost of the surgery I knew it was pretty damn bad. I never thought it would be hard saying I can't send money but it was. I'm wondering if anyone has found other ways to deal with this kind of situation? I don't know many people who would give 10k to their wives families in the US so how do you justify doing it for someone in the philippines? It feels like either way it's a bad decision, being a crutch can hurt as much as help. I understand their daily life and general stuff, but I still don't understand how loans work or how you have to wait for surgery until you pay for it all. I guess it's all a bigger dilemma than I originally thought it would be.

[mfranc68 31]

This kind of thing happens to most of us, not just to people with SOs in the Phillippines. The question is moot. You can't give what you don't have. Putting yourself in debt is not the answer. What would they have done if you never met your fiance? I know it may sound cruel, but it is the truth. Sometimes the family and friends of our Sos think that the American has an unending supply of money. If you are not honest with your fiance's family now, you will be on the receiving end of a never ending supply of family "emergencies'.

[kev_n_jena 89]

This kind of thing happens to most of us, not just to people with SOs in the Phillippines. The question is moot. You can't give what you don't have. Putting yourself in debt is not the answer. What would they have done if you never met your fiance? I know it may sound cruel, but it is the truth. Sometimes the family and friends of our Sos think that the American has an unending supply of money. If you are not honest with your fiance's family now, you will be on the receiving end of a never ending supply of family "emergencies'.

What if you do have the money? Imagine you have 20K in a checking account and you are put in that situation. What do you do?

[madtownguy 164]

Yeah I think the same way, maybe I asked too many questions and eventually my fiance sent me a photo. I couldn't help but put myself in her brothers shoes and think how bad it would be to be laid up in a hospital bed waiting for people to try to put money together for a surgery.... yikes. I suppose I would feel the same about anyone I would meet that is having major problems. I was expecting more of a motorcycle breaking down repair cost emergency or something I could smile about.

[kzielu 1,144]

Of what would your fiancees family do you had not been her fiance ? Ask that question...

[madtownguy 164]

What if you do have the money? Imagine you have 20K in a checking account and you are put in that situation. What do you do?

Too many what if's? If I had kids I would not send the money still, 20k isn't that much in a checking account. But had the visa already been approved and my fiance was here I'm almost positive my parents would have sent the money. They are my rainy day/accident fund. Being in the middle of the visa it's just too costly with paperwork and traveling to add other expenses into it. I'd also prefer to give money as an investment, buy a business for her Dad or brother or something that will lead to a better life.

[Kevo 69]

Tough question...on one hand if it's a legit emergency and you don't help out you're pretty much going to damage the relationship with your new extended family. On the other hand, you can't be expected to be their savior and families in the Philippines are usually very large - you can probably expect to always have an emergency somewhere on the horizon.

That said, I personally would decline. I have kids from a previous marriage I need to support and with college coming up in a few years I can't afford to give away that large of an amount. But, I would probably offer to help out, for example maybe send $1000-$2000.

[d and c 2]

This kind of thing happens to most of us, not just to people with SOs in the Phillippines. The question is moot. You can't give what you don't have. Putting yourself in debt is not the answer. What would they have done if you never met your fiance? I know it may sound cruel, but it is the truth. Sometimes the family and friends of our Sos think that the American has an unending supply of money. If you are not honest with your fiance's family now, you will be on the receiving end of a never ending supply of family "emergencies'.

[d and c 2]

This is very true. Can't believe they'll ask you for money especially all that money. Sounds kinda weird to me. My SO lives in Ghana and I don't supply hia family with money because I don't want them to think I'm the bank in the family. It's always good to give if you have enough but don't go in debt.

[mrsSpitze 9]

i am trying to prevent myself from chiming in as I am from the Philippines and a Filipina and it might sound bias. I agree with the OP and the others that you do not want to be refered to as the emergency bank of your future extended family. I am also not agreeing to send in the whole $10K for the surgery as it might damage your personal financial situation even if it is extra.

1. Did she or the family actually asked for the money?

or

2. Fiance told what happened and just showed the picture?

Either situation I wouldn't give the $10K but will try to give something (if and only if I can spare some..{a month's worth of coffee? or donuts}). Make sure to explain the part that you don't want to damage your financial situation specially right now that you're in the middle of a visa process as well as the whole "move". At this point, you don't really want to tell them that you don't want to be their emergency bank with endless amounts of cash as this might damage the relationship with teh future family as well as the fiance (At least I(being the fiance) will be sensitive about the topic)). Whatever the amount is, it would still help them.

On top of that, they can always reach out to some government agencies and they would gladly help them.

[Chetsky 5]

You really don't have much to in savings. I have been married since July and have had multiple "emergencies" from 5 different uncles, its interesting to me that its never a aunt. Anyway, I told them all very early on that although I would try to help from time to time, it would be on my own terms and timing. I explained to them that my first priority was to the approval process and that required funds in my account were need to accomplish that task. I set up an "allowance" for my wife that I send twice a month that is what I would consider disposable cash that I could live without and told her that she had full control of that money and it would be all that I would send and that she could use it for her own expenses first and then help with the balance as she saw fit. I made she knew it was ALL that would be sent in that month. I have tried to teach her to save it for those emergencies, but this is very hard I have found for anyone living with family in poverty. The first couple months, I hate to say it, It was spent very quickly and I did not send more and bale her out. It was very difficult to talk to her and feel her hinting for more to pay for her own needs because she gave it away early. I am glad to tell you though that after several months, its working perfect and she learning to handle the "No" for me and not call me with every request. I can tell you this I does not end with family. My wife can not even walk into church now without 3 or 4 requests for "help" Its kinda like someone in the family just won the lottery to them. That all being said, if I knew this accident was a legitimate injury and was an immediate family member, I think I would offer to do something, maybe a 2k or so. You might even try to bargain for the surgery. Tell the doctor or the family you will give them 2k now and 2k after he does the surgery. Might be surprised what they do to get the extra 2k later. I might be totally wrong, its definitely a battle of what is right and wrong to do over there. I try to give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to money requests, but they come so often from people, I am suspicious of the motives most of the time.

[B_J 2,752]

Every couple needs to decide early in the relationship how to handle finances. Some of us send money every month, some don't send money regularly but save for emergencies, some send no money but regularly send boxes, some help in other ways besides finances, and others do nothing. There is no right answer, just make sure that you have both agreed how things will be handled.

From my perspective, 10K (I'm assuming that is dollars) is a lot of money. Still, I would help as much as I could. But that's just me.

I just hope the brother comes out of this okay.

[Chetsky 5]

Every couple needs to decide early in the relationship how to handle finances. Some of us send money every month, some don't send money regularly but save for emergencies, some send no money but regularly send boxes, some help in other ways besides finances, and others do nothing. There is no right answer, just make sure that you have both agreed how things will be handled.

From my perspective, 10K (I'm assuming that is dollars) is a lot of money. Still, I would help as much as I could. But that's just me.

I just hope the brother comes out of this okay.

Well said, BJ, I totally agree.

[Tintin and Mike 127]

Don't shoulder the expenses, that's not your responsibility to do so. Help out what's only available without hurting your financial future. If that troubles your relationship then you're in it for the wrong purpose. 10k php is just about $250 but $10k, that's another story.

Good luck to you!

[iluvmy_hubbybunny 9]

Yeah i agree with tin and mike.. Just help based to what you can.. Im filipina too, as much as i can i dont involved my hubby with my family's problem.. 'coz of the reason that I dun want my family to think that my hubby is an ATM that can give money when ever they need.. and to be dependent just like how they are dependent to me before and its gonna be pain in the ####..