My Dilemma...

[Abby77 0]

Hello all,

This is my first post so please be gentle. Here is a summary of my story.

I have been living in the US for many years...I don't want to be too specific but it's between 10-14 yrs. I came up on a F-1 visa. I completed a BS degree then immediately matriculated into and completed a Ph.D degree. I earned my graduate degree at the peak of the economic downturn. I majored in one of the STEM programs and applied for OPT, which went unused because as soon as employers found out I was a foreigner they were no longer interested.

Fast forward to today, I'm still here and have overstayed my visa. Yes, I know I should have left , but I didn't. Now, recently, I met and fell in love with a man (a USC). I'm dependent on him because I cannot work due to my status. Now, I know that he was not totally honest with me and through ignorance I agreed to accept his proposal and marry him based on what he told me. Some of the issues he was dishonest about are so bad that I would not have married him if I had known. Anyway, I tried to work with him because he seemed to be acting responsible and I thought he would make things right. Then he started to use my immigration status to try to control me. Any fuss we had he would quickly tell me that he is going to report me to Immigration and/or throw it in my face that I'm here illegally. He became insistent about not wanting a wife who works outside of the home. He went as far as to tell me that I should forget about working in my field and concentrate on being a homemaker and gardening, etc. Also he would be quick to tell me to pack my stuff and get out of his house.

Then he started to become very radical. For example, he began literally preaching about the One World System and all things related and that the government and system will be destroyed and he is following God so he is going to stop living in the system and paying into it because it is evil and not of God. Lately, he decided that he will relocate and go live in the mountains and caves so he can remove himself from the system, and not be found to get the mark of the beast etc. According to him, he plans to eventually get rid of his driver's license, bank cards, cell phone etc. He would have wanted me to go with him, give up everything including cell phone, and go hide in the mountains but I told him that I refuse to cut myself off from my family and friends.

He will not be helping me to file my adjustment of status papers because I do not wish to go live the lifestyle he wants of living in the mountains/caves and working the field, and rearing animals. There is also another pertinent reason as to why he doesn't want to help me with the papers, and which I believe is a part of his desire to "drop" out of the system.

Anyway, I'm trying to look at my options. First, we will be getting divorced because he is definitely behaving like someone who doesn't have it all together. And again, I will not be going to hide away in the caves with him. I was looking at self-petitioning through VAWA but don't think I could use it because although I have suffered mental distress (he at times has been verbally violent) he hasn't really been physically violent to me, such as hitting me.

What do I do?

[AmeriPole 7]

I'm sorry I don't think there is enough information here. Are you currently in the US illegally? Have you filed any paperwork?

My advice would be to go to your home country, you're in a bad relationship which is unsafe and controlling. Seek a safe haven and then consider options you may or may not have.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Hello all,

This is my first post so please be gentle. Here is a summary of my story.

I have been living in the US for many years...I don't want to be too specific but it's between 10-14 yrs. I came up on a F-1 visa. I completed a BS degree then immediately matriculated into and completed a Ph.D degree. I earned my graduate degree at the peak of the economic downturn. I majored in one of the STEM programs and applied for OPT, which went unused because as soon as employers found out I was a foreigner they were no longer interested.

Fast forward to today, I'm still here and have overstayed my visa. Yes, I know I should have left , but I didn't. Now, recently, I met and fell in love with a man (a USC). I'm dependent on him because I cannot work due to my status. Now, I know that he was not totally honest with me and through ignorance I agreed to accept his proposal and marry him based on what he told me. Some of the issues he was dishonest about are so bad that I would not have married him if I had known. Anyway, I tried to work with him because he seemed to be acting responsible and I thought he would make things right. Then he started to use my immigration status to try to control me. Any fuss we had he would quickly tell me that he is going to report me to Immigration and/or throw it in my face that I'm here illegally. He became insistent about not wanting a wife who works outside of the home. He went as far as to tell me that I should forget about working in my field and concentrate on being a homemaker and gardening, etc. Also he would be quick to tell me to pack my stuff and get out of his house.

Then he started to become very radical. For example, he began literally preaching about the One World System and all things related and that the government and system will be destroyed and he is following God so he is going to stop living in the system and paying into it because it is evil and not of God. Lately, he decided that he will relocate and go live in the mountains and caves so he can remove himself from the system, and not be found to get the mark of the beast etc. According to him, he plans to eventually get rid of his driver's license, bank cards, cell phone etc. He would have wanted me to go with him, give up everything including cell phone, and go hide in the mountains but I told him that I refuse to cut myself off from my family and friends.

He will not be helping me to file my adjustment of status papers because I do not wish to go live the lifestyle he wants of living in the mountains/caves and working the field, and rearing animals. There is also another pertinent reason as to why he doesn't want to help me with the papers, and which I believe is a part of his desire to "drop" out of the system.

Anyway, I'm trying to look at my options. First, we will be getting divorced because he is definitely behaving like someone who doesn't have it all together. And again, I will not be going to hide away in the caves with him. I was looking at self-petitioning through VAWA but don't think I could use it because although I have suffered mental distress (he at times has been verbally violent) he hasn't really been physically violent to me, such as hitting me.

What do I do?

I would, and at the very first opportunity.

[Abby77 0]

I'm sorry I don't think there is enough information here. Are you currently in the US illegally? Have you filed any paperwork?

My advice would be to go to your home country, you're in a bad relationship which is unsafe and controlling. Seek a safe haven and then consider options you may or may not have.

I did mention that my visa expired and that he doesn't want to help me to file my papers.

I would, and at the very first opportunity.

You would do what?

[Lalo & Susana 50]

Mental and emotional abuse is still abuse. I agree you should file for VAWA. I am not really familiar with VAWA maybe someone else can help you with that. But don't leave the country as the first post said if you leave you cannot come back unless u have a new visa and since you've over stayed you are at risk for being banned.

Edited September 13, 2012 by Lalo & Susana

[JohnR! 5,495]

I am sorry to hear about your situation, but for your own sake and safety you're better off getting a divorce and going back home. You can't do anything about VAWA if he hasn't filed the papers for your residence, and at this point your marriage is not conducive to him doing so. If you fell you're in danger seek a shelter for abused women and get out before it is too late.

I wish you well. Be safe.

[Karee 4,190]

I am sorry to hear about your situation, but for your own sake and safety you're better off getting a divorce and going back home. You can't do anything about VAWA if he hasn't filed the papers for your residence, and at this point your marriage is not conducive to him doing so. If you fell you're in danger seek a shelter for abused women and get out before it is too late.

I wish you well. Be safe.

That's exactly what VAWA is!. It is for people that have not adjusted status and have been abused.

[ladyg 10]

Hello all,

This is my first post so please be gentle. Here is a summary of my story.

I have been living in the US for many years...I don't want to be too specific but it's between 10-14 yrs. I came up on a F-1 visa. I completed a BS degree then immediately matriculated into and completed a Ph.D degree. I earned my graduate degree at the peak of the economic downturn. I majored in one of the STEM programs and applied for OPT, which went unused because as soon as employers found out I was a foreigner they were no longer interested.

Fast forward to today, I'm still here and have overstayed my visa. Yes, I know I should have left , but I didn't. Now, recently, I met and fell in love with a man (a USC). I'm dependent on him because I cannot work due to my status. Now, I know that he was not totally honest with me and through ignorance I agreed to accept his proposal and marry him based on what he told me. Some of the issues he was dishonest about are so bad that I would not have married him if I had known. Anyway, I tried to work with him because he seemed to be acting responsible and I thought he would make things right. Then he started to use my immigration status to try to control me. Any fuss we had he would quickly tell me that he is going to report me to Immigration and/or throw it in my face that I'm here illegally. He became insistent about not wanting a wife who works outside of the home. He went as far as to tell me that I should forget about working in my field and concentrate on being a homemaker and gardening, etc. Also he would be quick to tell me to pack my stuff and get out of his house.

Then he started to become very radical. For example, he began literally preaching about the One World System and all things related and that the government and system will be destroyed and he is following God so he is going to stop living in the system and paying into it because it is evil and not of God. Lately, he decided that he will relocate and go live in the mountains and caves so he can remove himself from the system, and not be found to get the mark of the beast etc. According to him, he plans to eventually get rid of his driver's license, bank cards, cell phone etc. He would have wanted me to go with him, give up everything including cell phone, and go hide in the mountains but I told him that I refuse to cut myself off from my family and friends.

He will not be helping me to file my adjustment of status papers because I do not wish to go live the lifestyle he wants of living in the mountains/caves and working the field, and rearing animals. There is also another pertinent reason as to why he doesn't want to help me with the papers, and which I believe is a part of his desire to "drop" out of the system.

Anyway, I'm trying to look at my options. First, we will be getting divorced because he is definitely behaving like someone who doesn't have it all together. And again, I will not be going to hide away in the caves with him. I was looking at self-petitioning through VAWA but don't think I could use it because although I have suffered mental distress (he at times has been verbally violent) he hasn't really been physically violent to me, such as hitting me.

What do I do?

I was emotinally and mentally abused .Threatend like you and to make matters worse have a child with him.He would tell me ,he will have me deported and I will never see my child manipulating me to do things his way in the name of deportation.I filled for vawa .It doesnt matter whether you visa is valid or expired .You are qualified under vawa.You need to prove your case though that 1 he is a USA citizen ,2 marriage certificate if you divorced at the time you filing for vawa no more than 2 years ago of being divorced.Any documents bills ,insurance morgage,lease,anything that can show that you are or were a couple.You also need to see a pychologist that can prove that you been affected emotinally,Try to go women shelter's in your area they will help you .Wishing you all the best I understand your pain have been there .

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Then he started to use my immigration status to try to control me. Any fuss we had he would quickly tell me that he is going to report me to Immigration and/or throw it in my face that I'm here illegally. He became insistent about not wanting a wife who works outside of the home. He went as far as to tell me that I should forget about working in my field and concentrate on being a homemaker and gardening, etc. Also he would be quick to tell me to pack my stuff and get out of his house.

Using your immigration status to control you is considered mental abuse and does qualify you for VAWA. Unless you have witnesses, e-mails, texts or voicemails it could be difficult to prove.

He will not be helping me to file my adjustment of status papers because I do not wish to go live the lifestyle he wants of living in the mountains/caves and working the field, and rearing animals. There is also another pertinent reason as to why he doesn't want to help me with the papers, and which I believe is a part of his desire to "drop" out of the system.

This alone wouldn't be abuse.

Anyway, I'm trying to look at my options. First, we will be getting divorced because he is definitely behaving like someone who doesn't have it all together. And again, I will not be going to hide away in the caves with him. I was looking at self-petitioning through VAWA but don't think I could use it because although I have suffered mental distress (he at times has been verbally violent) he hasn't really been physically violent to me, such as hitting me.

Your only option at this time is VAWA. If you leave him and find a shelter for battered women they will connect you with the resources you need.

[JohnR! 5,495]

That's exactly what VAWA is!. It is for people that have not adjusted status and have been abused.

That is true but IMHO in this case, abuse has not yet happened, despite the circumstances. My line of thinking is along the circumstances that this person has overstayed and as such it may be looked upon unfavorably for a waiver.

It is far easier to file a waiver when the immigrant has complied with the associated visa requirements under which K/CR/IR visas are issued, in which cases it can be proven marriage was entered in good faith.

I hope you are right on this call and I wish the USCIS can look at it under the same focus.

Edited September 14, 2012 by Gegel

[Anh map 2,098]

Hello all,

This is my first post so please be gentle. Here is a summary of my story.

I have been living in the US for many years...I don't want to be too specific but it's between 10-14 yrs. I came up on a F-1 visa. I completed a BS degree then immediately matriculated into and completed a Ph.D degree. I earned my graduate degree at the peak of the economic downturn. I majored in one of the STEM programs and applied for OPT, which went unused because as soon as employers found out I was a foreigner they were no longer interested.

Fast forward to today, I'm still here and have overstayed my visa. Yes, I know I should have left , but I didn't. Now, recently, I met and fell in love with a man (a USC). I'm dependent on him because I cannot work due to my status. Now, I know that he was not totally honest with me and through ignorance I agreed to accept his proposal and marry him based on what he told me. Some of the issues he was dishonest about are so bad that I would not have married him if I had known. Anyway, I tried to work with him because he seemed to be acting responsible and I thought he would make things right. Then he started to use my immigration status to try to control me. Any fuss we had he would quickly tell me that he is going to report me to Immigration and/or throw it in my face that I'm here illegally. He became insistent about not wanting a wife who works outside of the home. He went as far as to tell me that I should forget about working in my field and concentrate on being a homemaker and gardening, etc. Also he would be quick to tell me to pack my stuff and get out of his house.

Then he started to become very radical. For example, he began literally preaching about the One World System and all things related and that the government and system will be destroyed and he is following God so he is going to stop living in the system and paying into it because it is evil and not of God. Lately, he decided that he will relocate and go live in the mountains and caves so he can remove himself from the system, and not be found to get the mark of the beast etc. According to him, he plans to eventually get rid of his driver's license, bank cards, cell phone etc. He would have wanted me to go with him, give up everything including cell phone, and go hide in the mountains but I told him that I refuse to cut myself off from my family and friends.

He will not be helping me to file my adjustment of status papers because I do not wish to go live the lifestyle he wants of living in the mountains/caves and working the field, and rearing animals. There is also another pertinent reason as to why he doesn't want to help me with the papers, and which I believe is a part of his desire to "drop" out of the system.

Anyway, I'm trying to look at my options. First, we will be getting divorced because he is definitely behaving like someone who doesn't have it all together. And again, I will not be going to hide away in the caves with him. I was looking at self-petitioning through VAWA but don't think I could use it because although I have suffered mental distress (he at times has been verbally violent) he hasn't really been physically violent to me, such as hitting me.

What do I do?

The story you have told here can easily seen in two different ways. 1 - married for love and it didn't work out. 2 - married to stay in the US and now you feel trapped.

What happens to you with regard to staying in the US is all in how you can explain your circumstances. While you've told a very entertaining story, more details would be needed to give you good advice. Sharing the details in a public forum such as VJ may not be comfortable for you. In that case you should find an immigration attorney or immigrant advocacy group where you can lay out all the details and then make an informed decision.

[noname0 6]

I don't want to make you feel worse than you already do. Yet, the fact that you stayed here illegally before you married him really doesn't help your case at all.

If he brought you here from your home country, say, on a K-1 visa, and then married you and then refused to file the paper for you, things might look different.

I don't know what else to say, but I'm sorry.

[Abby77 0]

The story you have told here can easily seen in two different ways. 1 - married for love and it didn't work out. 2 - married to stay in the US and now you feel trapped.

What happens to you with regard to staying in the US is all in how you can explain your circumstances. While you've told a very entertaining story, more details would be needed to give you good advice. Sharing the details in a public forum such as VJ may not be comfortable for you. In that case you should find an immigration attorney or immigrant advocacy group where you can lay out all the details and then make an informed decision.

I married him in good faith which I think I can prove. However, I also feel that I was deceived into marrying him. Some of the info I left out is that he owes ALOT of debt, which he did not completely disclose to me thus painting himself in a much better picture than reality. When the reality came to light he was insistent that he told me the truth. I know I have a solid memory and if ever he had told me the truth I would have ran in the other direction. Also, one of the debtors isn't one to play with. All along he was behaving as if he wanted to pay his debt. Now he is singing a different tune and part of the reason for running to the mountains is so he doesn't have to pay his debt.

There is lots more to the story that I really don't feel comfortable posting all here. I will reach out to the woman's shelter so if nothing else I can talk with someone.

[Timon 26]

I married him in good faith which I think I can prove. However, I also feel that I was deceived into marrying him. Some of the info I left out is that he owes ALOT of debt, which he did not completely disclose to me thus painting himself in a much better picture than reality. When the reality came to light he was insistent that he told me the truth. I know I have a solid memory and if ever he had told me the truth I would have ran in the other direction. Also, one of the debtors isn't one to play with. All along he was behaving as if he wanted to pay his debt. Now he is singing a different tune and part of the reason for running to the mountains is so he doesn't have to pay his debt.

There is lots more to the story that I really don't feel comfortable posting all here. I will reach out to the woman's shelter so if nothing else I can talk with someone.

First of all i'm really sorry to hear about your situation. You said that you have suffered mental distress, have you ever been to a doctor/psychologist ? If not i think you should try to see one that will help your case. I recall watching an episode of one of the afternoon courtroom shows think it was Judge Joe Brown and he said while we may feel like we suffered emotion/mental distress unless you have real proof it really doesn't hold much water. So since you said you never really suffered the physical abuse you have 'no scars' to prove what you went through. I think you talking to a professional will surely help your VAWA petition.

Try getting a free clinic or something(I understand money may be tight and you may not have insurance) but I'm sure there's organizations that will be able to help you. You just need/want to have a record to be able to prove your case a lil bit and you want to do that asap. Be careful though, cuz he sounds like he's a lil bit off the deep end there.

Edited September 14, 2012 by Jessie05

[Sandra G. 5,051]

If you were deceived into marrying him it doesn't matter for Vawa cases, and by the way i don't think you have a Vawa case at all.

I think your husband is a lunatic, but it doesn't mean he is an abuser.To prove mental abuse is "hard" and you need to prove that you suffered "extremely mental abuse". For everything you told here I don't see how you were mentally abused. You will need a psychological evaluation and the psychologist must state due the mental abuse you are suffering pos traumatic disorder, or dissociative disorders, mood issues, or having panic attacks, depression, severe anxiety. You must prove you are doing therapy and/or taking medications. I deal with Vawa cases every single day and let me tell you those that had Vawa approved based in mental abuse they were able to prove the mental abuse changed the way they live and/or saw life, they are in agony, struggling to move on, feeling helpless,worthless,abandoned,rejected and because of that they felt isolated,controlled,ignored,humiliated.

Edited September 14, 2012 by sandranj