husband tells lies about me to his family

[giving_up 3]

Hello all, I don't know why I don't see 2 posts of mine on here where I explained my situation with my husband but anyways, here it goes. We met online and got married 5 yrs ago; we had the plan of having a baby and that I would stay home till s/he went to pre-k and then we'd have another one. Our daughter started pre-k last year and unfortunately we haven't been able to have a second baby. Throughout these 5 yrs my husband has been emotionally abusive of me and one time things got physical. Anyway, this year things appeared to be a bit better and just two weeks ago we were trying for the 2nd baby and decided to see a fertility doctor. Two days after we talked about that he got mad during a conversation about finances and yelled at me telling me why I don't say I'd get a part time. I was shocked since we had never talked about that but instead every time we talked about our plans it was about a 2nd baby.

He didn't talk to me for two days and then he called me from work to tell me his older sister would stop by the following day because he had something to "clarify". I told him that if it had to do with me he should speak to me but anyways, the next day she showed up and he started the conversation by saying that he had realized that I don't want to work! my jaw dropped! we had never talked about this issue and he kept going on and on telling lies about me and he made things look like I've been too comfortable at home and I just don't want to work! I started defending myself since I'm fed up with his abuse and he kept talking loud at me in front of her and one time he even got up and stood in front of me yelling pointing his finger at me! i couldn't believe the sister wouldn't say anything but instead she seemed to be questioning me about the working thing. He told her that i was mad because he talked about this and that if she hadn't been there I would have been worse! I couldn't believe it. I made clear to him why I was mad and I told him that I had no problem working and she said "yes, but I don't like the way you're saying it" man! I felt like just leaving! I was so mad I told him he's bipolar and then later on the sister brought up this topic saying that maybe i know something that he doesn't know and stuff like that and she made him even angrier!

Things kept going on and on like this for 3.5 hrs and we stopped because he had to work, I only stood there in the sofa trying to make sense of everything he had said about me to her. I feel like I will never be able to fit in because he's the one who lies about me in the first place! he always puts his family first and never pays attention to my needs and feelings. I now know I will look for a job and I know it will help me with my self-esteem but i feel like I'm stuck in my life because we haven't been talking for 1 week and he's acting like he's the hurt one and me, I'm just ANGRY!

I've thought about leaving him because I know these episodes will always happen and I cannot jeopardize my mental health and my daughter's. Every day she tells me that he doesn't love me and she even said that he doesn't love me because he thinks I'm bad. This broke my heart. I have no job for now, have no money and I don't have a place to go. He doesn't want counseling but I will start seeing one this week. Sorry for venting like this, I feel so alone, I have no idea what i'm gonna do...

[giving_up 3]

by the way, I don't have a timeline here because I have a different profile where I have friends and I do not want them to know what's going on, I hope you understand.

[Tim/Mav 305]

Well, this is how I read it. It is normal to have Maritol problems and stress. We attack the ones we love.

Your husband, is dealing with finaces and even worse a 'fidelity' issue and you are'nt helping. I imagine you have begun to like to argue just like him. Where does that go. ? Nowhere! Thats why your writing this. If you need to seek Independant help from an Outside (of family) Counsular then do so. I don't think the Issue is a job. I think you maynot be showing the Support (Emotionally) as a wife. Thats what I think he is looking for. You mentioned his argument was your love for the Sofa. (Thus, sit on your Butt all day). I'm not saying thats true.

Try and make-up and that will take your strength. He is on the defensive as you are. You need to bow down a bit and try and show effort. Whether looking for a job or just be a better Wife and waiting for his arrival to argue is a endless battle.

It's up to you.

[Kazulie 132]

Well, this is how I read it. It is normal to have Maritol problems and stress. We attack the ones we love.

Your husband, is dealing with finaces and even worse a 'fidelity' issue and you are'nt helping. I imagine you have begun to like to argue just like him. Where does that go. ? Nowhere! Thats why your writing this. If you need to seek Independant help from an Outside (of family) Counsular then do so. I don't think the Issue is a job. I think you maynot be showing the Support (Emotionally) as a wife. Thats what I think he is looking for. You mentioned his argument was your love for the Sofa. (Thus, sit on your Butt all day). I'm not saying thats true.

Try and make-up and that will take your strength. He is on the defensive as you are. You need to bow down a bit and try and show effort. Whether looking for a job or just be a better Wife and waiting for his arrival to argue is a endless battle.

It's up to you.

"fidelity issue"???? "love for the sofa"????

Did we read the same post? Your response just confused the heck out of me. I hope the OP understands it better than I did!

[issha2lynden 77]

Get a job! It will surely boost your self-esteem. Don't just give up your marriage. When my hubby is in temper, I don't try to reason with him, I give him space, I would pray and keep myself busy reading, cleaning or take a walk then when hubby is in loving mood I would embrace him and start talking about what he just did, that I was upset but I understand. Try to put yourself in his shoes is a good tactic, so you would understand what and how it is from his perspective. Financial stress could put so much strain in marriage, maybe he is worried about your future, he is the man and must be a good provider of his family which is the best way of showing love- giving security. Apologize that you haven't been a help financially and tell him about your plans of stepping up by looking a job, involve him in the job hunting process so he knows you are serious about it. Marriage is not easy but it is the only possible lifetime career that a person could possibly have no matter how low our economy tank down. In my observation battered women are those that verbally fights back to non-stop. Open communication is good but refrain from talking if one is not thinking straight and is emotional. In marriage I learned "easy to forgive easy to forget" really works.

[Ontarkie 13,915]

OMG I can't believe you want her to be a better wife, he should be a better husband. You don't go tellilng your family lies about your wife, you don't go getting your sister involved to help you attack your wife (verbaly).

She has been a stay at home mom for 5 yrs taking care of their child, something he wanted her to do, durring that time he is spreading lies about her, being verbally abusive and has started physically abusing her. No way on earth is she at fault, with an abusive man nothing will make him happy, she could be making 100k a year and he would still not be happy.The way he is getting his familly involved while he belittles/makes up ####### is abuse. This has been building up for 5 years, he has her feeling lost and confused, he has her daughter telling her he is mad at her how he doesn't love her. No parent should ever put their child in that position, that is child abuse.

Abuse is a deal breaker seek help for your daughter and yourself.

[Penny Lane 8,159]

Well, this is how I read it. It is normal to have Maritol problems and stress. We attack the ones we love.

Your husband, is dealing with finaces and even worse a 'fidelity' issue and you are'nt helping. I imagine you have begun to like to argue just like him. Where does that go. ? Nowhere! Thats why your writing this. If you need to seek Independant help from an Outside (of family) Counsular then do so. I don't think the Issue is a job. I think you maynot be showing the Support (Emotionally) as a wife. Thats what I think he is looking for. You mentioned his argument was your love for the Sofa. (Thus, sit on your Butt all day). I'm not saying thats true.

Try and make-up and that will take your strength. He is on the defensive as you are. You need to bow down a bit and try and show effort. Whether looking for a job or just be a better Wife and waiting for his arrival to argue is a endless battle.

It's up to you.

This is a disgusting response. The woman explains that she's emotionally abused, and once physically. He brings over family members to bully her. He sets out a plan for her (raise the child, then have a 2nd baby) and when she attempts to follow that plan, he acts as if it never was the plan in the first place.

And your response is to tell her to be a better wife. Unbelievable.

Edited June 11, 2012 by Evylin

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Yes, be a better Wife or file for divorce.

It's clear that your Husband can use the financial help and he doesn't want another kid until that happens.

Being a better wife doesn't mean to be subservient or take abuse of any kind, but it does mean to step up to the partnership plate.

Perhaps this was in the two other posts that the server ate but this post comes across as very self centered. Nothing wrong with that per see as long as you recognize it.

Please don't have any more kids until both of you figure out what you want in life.

Good luck.

[Penny Lane 8,159]

It's clear that your Husband can use the financial help and he doesn't want another kid until that happens.

Then he should not have told her that was what he wanted. And they should not have started trying to make it happen.

[Krikit 1,163]

Hello all, I don't know why I don't see 2 posts of mine on here where I explained my situation with my husband but anyways, here it goes.

If you are talking about these threads you can find them in an advanced search:

http://www.visajourn...ost__p__1104627

http://www.visajourn...ost__p__3821547

http://www.visajourn...ost__p__5082540

Edited June 11, 2012 by Krikit

[TBoneTX 43,058]

If you are talking about these threads you can find them in an advanced search

Oh, yeah... remember them now, sigh man.

Bluntly put: This dysfunctional nonmarriage should have ended long ago and perhaps never should have been entered into. The wife certainly isn't appreciating much in it, and the husband (if asked) might admit to the same. OP, you can either keep griping about things for several more years, or you can take steps NOW to give yourself some relief.

[steffbry 5]

This is a disgusting response. The woman explains that she's emotionally abused, and once physically. He brings over family members to bully her. He sets out a plan for her (raise the child, then have a 2nd baby) and when she attempts to follow that plan, he acts as if it never was the plan in the first place.

And your response is to tell her to be a better wife. Unbelievable.

[MangoAve 25]

From here, all we can do is tell her to fix her situation whether or not it involves being a better wife. Her husband isnt getting our advice. The sister being there might just have been like a 'mediator'. It didnt soung like things were getting out of hand. Just sounded like the sister was only listening and watching the interaction and asking a few questions herself. She had already stated she will start counseling. This is some initiative.

Maybe the lies he tells his family are really how he perceives things? Idk. But Both need to put effort forward. Finances happen to be quoted as the biggest cause for divorce and communication is the second biggest. Whatever type of person he is, if he needs space to calm down give it to him first but both of you need to communicate. When planning for the second child it is still your responsibility to ask him if things are still as planned before. I will falter you for that. And if finances are an issue, you will have to do something to help out like get a job and not only to keep yourself occupied. Its a joint effort to make things work. You were ok with the plan to have two children at some point. If that is what you still want with him then you may need to help out financially. If you can confront him about these lies without things turning into a fight, do it.

[Sandra G. 5,016]

I am appalled with some answers here, anyway THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!!! he abused her physically once and keep abusing her mentally, what else does she have to endure for your guys to realize that she is living with an abuser?. If they are not communicating properly he has no right to abuse her, if he has no money he has no right to abuser her, if she has no job to earn money he has no right to abuse her!!!!! if his has a short temper he has no right to abuse her. Please let's not tolerate or excuse domestic violence!!!!!!In the US one woman is abused every three minutes, in 2011 almost 220.000 women/children were victims of domestic violence and in the U.S.A 3000 women are killed each year by their husbands/partners.

First of all you need to realize that your husband is an abuser, you should seek some counseling to help you to understand that and take action as well such as to report abuse suffered, find a support system,find out about your rights,create a safety plan and seek help. You need to take some serious decisions in your life to protect yourself and not to expose your daughter to witness domestic violence.There is no love in abuse.

Edited June 11, 2012 by sandranj

[steffbry 5]

Basing on your recent posts that I've just read.. it must have been really hard for you to be living in this relationship for 5 years. I just salute you for being strong, even though your emotionally weak already. As i've read from your previous post, your age gap from your husband is 15-16yrs?.. Just feel bad that there's a lot for you to enjoy still. I just feel bad for you and your daughter.. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Hope that you can make up your mind by this time with whatever is the BEST thing for you to do.