Personal issues re my Viet Nam girlfriend

[I_Am_That_I_Am 46]

I have never heard of a "paid gf" before. I know hookers are everywhere but "paid gf" is totally new to me.

I was a NICU nurse in saudi for a long time and got paid less than USD2000. With my last US trip, I had to save for it for over a year!

Please, do yourself a favor. Do what you know is the right thing to do. And Jim is right. Well-educated Asian women don't go online looking for a husband.

Good luck!

[tuandanh 3]

Um, that is an open and shut case if I ever seen one. Sounds like you solved it all on your own.

[Max1gk 68]

to be honest Mike, more than just red flags those are Mike Tyson-style fists in the eyes in broad daylight...

Think about it from this point of view: by having the luck to be able to pull the plug now that you can, she won't be able to apply for VAWA right after entering the States..cause something tells me she'd do it 5 minutes after POE if she could. . .

Edited July 18, 2011 by Max1gk

[tan&tuyet 15]

There are a lot of vietnamese girls that are honest and loving out there don't go for the one that hides stuff from you. When I first met my wife she was totally honest with me and told me everything about her past. Sounds like your gf is a big hoooker trying to find a way to get a green card.

[Messybrownhair 251]

Save yourself from trouble and leave while you still can.. There are plenty of honest and shall I say.. more conservative Asian women out there.. and while you're at it, get tested! I wish you the best. I'm glad you smelled the rat early on, and saved yourself.

[LDora 7]

Can I just offer that you might try a heart to heart instead of dropping her like everyone has suggested? Unless she's asked for money from YOU (and it sounds like she doesn't need to) , it might simply be that she WAS a "paid girlfriend" in the past and is embarrassed by it, and is afraid to tell you about it because she thinks you'll want nothing more to do with her. (Probably a legitimate concern based on how quickly everyone seems to be saying she's a prostitute and a gold digger.) Everyone does things they wished they hadn't or are ashamed by years down the road, and if you like this girl as much as you say, it's worth asking for honesty and making it clear you want to be with the woman she IS, rather than the woman she WAS. I'm not saying I'm right, and I'm definitely not saying the lies aren't a big deal, but if you like her and connect with her as much as you say, isn't it worth one last push for honesty and openness rather than writing her off because of what might be regret over an older lifestyle? After all, you haven't said she's asked YOU for money.

[Operator 1,925]

OK, now that I'm reading what I've just written...I'm an old fool!

Sometimes its hard to accept what you already know as truth especially when the heart is concerned. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[bigdog 376]

NEW MEMBER, FIRST POST, PERSONAL ISSUES PRECEDENT TO IMMIGRATION ISSUES, UNSURE IF THIS IS APPROPRIATE TO FORUM.

I will proceed cautiously here until I'm assured I'm not outside forum boundaries...a "Dear Abby" type question.

I met my Viet Nam girlfriend online in 2007. In summer 2008 she came to visit her daughter in the US while, attending school here, and also visited me. In summer 2009 she returned again to the US, and spent more time with me than her daughter. We are now getting along well. I visited her in Saigon during late 2009, to celebrate both of our birthdays. In summer 2010, she again returned to stay mostly with me, we traveled and visited her daughter at her college, etc. She is apparently able to get 6 month tourist visa while her daughter attends college here. This summer she is once again in the US to see me, her daughter and some relatives. Talk of marriage and a fiance visa loom larger and larger, which is ok, as I love her and am crazy about her. I divorced out of a 25+ year marriage with 3 grown children a few years ago; she informed me she was married once for about 2-3 years, then had a BF for about 3 years, broke up with him when she discovered he had a wife and children back in California, and since then, has had no men in her life "whatsoever", for the last 10-15 years before she met me.

I have problems. First, she refuses to tell me anything about her life in those 10-15 years, absolutely. She has told me about how poor her family was, the April 1975 debacle, how her first husband beat her up until she ran away, and then....how her one and only BF paid her $5,000 per month while she lived with him, until my eyes got big and she revised it to $2,000 per month. This has become a bone of contention, but she continues to assure me that it is SOP in Viet Nam for women to get salaries from their BFs, and she tells me she has a GF, whom I met, who is getting money right now from her Singaporean BF.

Problem two. Over time I have progressively discovered more and more pieces of assorted types of "circumstantial" evidence which, taken objectively but together, tell me she has been far less than candid and carries the spectre of a woman who made a living from men, either as a paid GF or worse. Some of this evidence is direct, seen with my own eyes, and some of it involves a lifestyle and accoutrement far above what a person in her circumstances could afford. Now we have periodic little blow-ups over her secret past. She is very cute, sexy and fun to be with, and we have a simpatico between us. As much as I would like to make her my wife and bring her here, I can't imagine having a wife with a secret past who won't tell me about it. After our last tiff, her daughter even called me to say I should open my heart, think only of the future and not worry about the past. What past? haha.

I know the culture is different in Viet Nam. But I'm fairly sure that not all women in Viet Nam are paid GFs. To be fair, knowing how awful Viet Nam was then, if I was a young single woman with a daughter to support, maybe I would have become a hooker! And, maybe I'm all wrong here.

Am I in the wrong forum for this question? More details can be provided if helpful, although most are salacious.

I'm hoping someone here can give me some insights into my dilemma or how to approach it.

[Channah&Aaron 51]

; The "R" ratings you just mentioned, OP, are tons of RED FLAGS!

The fact that she had, so to speak, her "X-BF's" shirts in her closet after she said she moved on a long time ago and still have these in her "new" house.. Although, everyone keeps a little thing from their former GF/BF, right

Anyways, the fact that she hides so many things incl. contact with other guys from all around the World, sexy clothing, etc. Maybe she gets her money thru an online, you-know-what.

And also that she had contact with this guy she said she missed him and visa versa while she sent a picture, that you took, to him and yadee yadee yadee..

I mean, are you that blind to actually see what is going on?

& you don't have to tell each other all about your past, but the head lines from your past are more important. Detailed information ain't neccessary. And if you have a heart-to-heart conversation, maybe she'll make up things to cover her past.

All I'm saying, since she hasn't been honest from the very start, it's hard to believe what comes out of her mouth now

If I were you, I wouldn't file the K1 yet, or cancel it, until you both are ready to do so.

She lives way above from what she can afford, and there might be a big chance that other guys pay her as well (webcam sex, or whatever), SINCE she only get paid +/- 350-500 dollars a month, like you mentioned before.

GOOD LUCK, and listen to your guts!!

[luckytxn 2,263]

This is no cultural norm in VN. She is using you to get a green card or one of many new money taps. Shame that your vision is now skewed that this is the way in VN but I assure you it is not. If you have this heart to heart talk you will be deceived as this woman is a master at the ways of deceit and the talk will be non productive. Drop her as soon as possible. No future happiness can come of this.

[Laser1 63]

Those red flags suggest criminal behavior. If I were you, I would stay away from her.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Can I just offer that you might try a heart to heart instead of dropping her like everyone has suggested? Unless she's asked for money from YOU (and it sounds like she doesn't need to) , it might simply be that she WAS a "paid girlfriend" in the past and is embarrassed by it, and is afraid to tell you about it because she thinks you'll want nothing more to do with her.

I was thinking the same thing until the OP's follow-up post were he mentioned that she had sent a recent photo that the OP had taken of her to another man and there were written exchanges including words like "Miss you" & "Love" and the man provided a phone number when he called and the call was returned within 30 minutes!

Sounds like she's still active.

BTW, a history of prostitution (which this looks like) makes her inadmissible so it's a closed book unless he wants to live in VN with her.

[Fandango 1,439]

What did the man say when he called you back?

[dindo and patty 20]

I'm getting a much better impression of what is culturally normal, based on the good responses received here. Thanks to everyone for your help.

Well, I understand that $2000 or $5000 would have been a fortune in VN back in the 1990s when she told me her BF was paying that. I think even now her job only pays about $350-500 in USD equivalent per month. To answer your question, here are some red flags, staying at or above the "R" rating:

1. A nice big house; she says she built it about 2003,

2. Lots of apparent money, a nice lifestyle (ex: she had a maid until 2008 or 2009 ),

3. On my late 2009 visit, there were wads of cash under her bed when I got there, which disappeared a couple of days later,

4. There were men's shirts in her closet; which she said had belonged to her old BF, but according to her he was out of the picture back in the 1990s and her house was built in 2003.

5. There was very very sexy lingerie in her closet; it was far and above anything my ex-wife ever wore for me! (but I probably had very dull marriage, haha),

6. Without going into detail, there were physical intimacies and webcam behavior which I believe were not spontaneous,

(she seems to have very good knowledge of a man's body),

7. Searching her email addresses discloses some Skype user names she has not and will not tell me about.

8. In her Skype account, she had between 100-200 blocked accounts, all men, from around the world,

9. Right before my late 2009 visit, she had sent an email to a man telling him she missed him and attached a picture of her that I had taken in front of a church; he replied telling her he loved her; when she was here in 2010 I called him at telephone number in his email and he called back in 30 minutes!

10. She wears a very big diamond platinum ring; she tells me she bought it for herself.

11. She used to go out in the late afternoons, all dressed up looking sexy, but this seemed to stop a couple of years ago.

12. Before I visited in late 2009, she sold a big motorcycle that was much too big for her

OK, now that I'm reading what I've just written...I'm an old fool!

Wow! Think with your head...the one above the neck...Abandon ship! Abandon ship!

[Casprd 167]

Right before my late 2009 visit, she had sent an email to a man telling him she missed him and attached a picture of her that I had taken in front of a church; he replied telling her he loved her; when she was here in 2010 I called him at telephone number in his email and he called back in 30 minutes!

As much as I would be inclined to say she had a checkered past that she might be embarrassed to tell you all the details, this changes everything. If she has this kind of contact while you two are involved even in the early stages then it isn't a good sign. She either hasn't left her past behind in which case you have to question her commitment to you, or she is looking for another meal ticket, or a combination. I can understand in many countries a girl will do what she has to in order to get by and if she can have a nice life out of it then so be it. That is not what most of us are looking for in a future spouse, but in the right circumstances, I know at least I could overlook a lot as long as she was open and honest about everything and she was ready to move on with me. In this case it sounds like she is neither.

If you want to continue with her, I would make it very clear that she has to be completely open about those 10 to 15 years and she has to explain why she is sending some other guy a picture of herself and saying she misses him. No matter how you slice it that one is going to be hard to just explain away. There are lots of good women in Vietnam and in other countries, but there are lots who will take advantage of you too.