Personal issues re my Viet Nam girlfriend

[Mike_Mac 3]

NEW MEMBER, FIRST POST, PERSONAL ISSUES PRECEDENT TO IMMIGRATION ISSUES, UNSURE IF THIS IS APPROPRIATE TO FORUM.

I will proceed cautiously here until I'm assured I'm not outside forum boundaries...a "Dear Abby" type question.

I met my Viet Nam girlfriend online in 2007. In summer 2008 she came to visit her daughter in the US while, attending school here, and also visited me. In summer 2009 she returned again to the US, and spent more time with me than her daughter. We are now getting along well. I visited her in Saigon during late 2009, to celebrate both of our birthdays. In summer 2010, she again returned to stay mostly with me, we traveled and visited her daughter at her college, etc. She is apparently able to get 6 month tourist visa while her daughter attends college here. This summer she is once again in the US to see me, her daughter and some relatives. Talk of marriage and a fiance visa loom larger and larger, which is ok, as I love her and am crazy about her. I divorced out of a 25+ year marriage with 3 grown children a few years ago; she informed me she was married once for about 2-3 years, then had a BF for about 3 years, broke up with him when she discovered he had a wife and children back in California, and since then, has had no men in her life "whatsoever", for the last 10-15 years before she met me.

I have problems. First, she refuses to tell me anything about her life in those 10-15 years, absolutely. She has told me about how poor her family was, the April 1975 debacle, how her first husband beat her up until she ran away, and then....how her one and only BF paid her $5,000 per month while she lived with him, until my eyes got big and she revised it to $2,000 per month. This has become a bone of contention, but she continues to assure me that it is SOP in Viet Nam for women to get salaries from their BFs, and she tells me she has a GF, whom I met, who is getting money right now from her Singaporean BF.

Problem two. Over time I have progressively discovered more and more pieces of assorted types of "circumstantial" evidence which, taken objectively but together, tell me she has been far less than candid and carries the spectre of a woman who made a living from men, either as a paid GF or worse. Some of this evidence is direct, seen with my own eyes, and some of it involves a lifestyle and accoutrement far above what a person in her circumstances could afford. Now we have periodic little blow-ups over her secret past. She is very cute, sexy and fun to be with, and we have a simpatico between us. As much as I would like to make her my wife and bring her here, I can't imagine having a wife with a secret past who won't tell me about it. After our last tiff, her daughter even called me to say I should open my heart, think only of the future and not worry about the past. What past? haha.

I know the culture is different in Viet Nam. But I'm fairly sure that not all women in Viet Nam are paid GFs. To be fair, knowing how awful Viet Nam was then, if I was a young single woman with a daughter to support, maybe I would have become a hooker! And, maybe I'm all wrong here.

Am I in the wrong forum for this question? More details can be provided if helpful, although most are salacious.

I'm hoping someone here can give me some insights into my dilemma or how to approach it.

[quann 26]

it's not the norm anywhere to be a paid gf...especially in vietnam (and i know we all "pay" in some way).

second i would not proceed further until she can be 100% honest. if she's being deceptive and secretive now that would only lead to more problems and mistrust in the future.

[prep.mac 7]

NEW MEMBER, FIRST POST, PERSONAL ISSUES PRECEDENT TO IMMIGRATION ISSUES, UNSURE IF THIS IS APPROPRIATE TO FORUM.

I will proceed cautiously here until I'm assured I'm not outside forum boundaries...a "Dear Abby" type question.

I met my Viet Nam girlfriend online in 2007. In summer 2008 she came to visit her daughter in the US while, attending school here, and also visited me. In summer 2009 she returned again to the US, and spent more time with me than her daughter. We are now getting along well. I visited her in Saigon during late 2009, to celebrate both of our birthdays. In summer 2010, she again returned to stay mostly with me, we traveled and visited her daughter at her college, etc. She is apparently able to get 6 month tourist visa while her daughter attends college here. This summer she is once again in the US to see me, her daughter and some relatives. Talk of marriage and a fiance visa loom larger and larger, which is ok, as I love her and am crazy about her. I divorced out of a 25+ year marriage with 3 grown children a few years ago; she informed me she was married once for about 2-3 years, then had a BF for about 3 years, broke up with him when she discovered he had a wife and children back in California, and since then, has had no men in her life "whatsoever", for the last 10-15 years before she met me.

I have problems. First, she refuses to tell me anything about her life in those 10-15 years, absolutely. She has told me about how poor her family was, the April 1975 debacle, how her first husband beat her up until she ran away, and then....how her one and only BF paid her $5,000 per month while she lived with him, until my eyes got big and she revised it to $2,000 per month. This has become a bone of contention, but she continues to assure me that it is SOP in Viet Nam for women to get salaries from their BFs, and she tells me she has a GF, whom I met, who is getting money right now from her Singaporean BF.

Problem two. Over time I have progressively discovered more and more pieces of assorted types of "circumstantial" evidence which, taken objectively but together, tell me she has been far less than candid and carries the spectre of a woman who made a living from men, either as a paid GF or worse. Some of this evidence is direct, seen with my own eyes, and some of it involves a lifestyle and accoutrement far above what a person in her circumstances could afford. Now we have periodic little blow-ups over her secret past. She is very cute, sexy and fun to be with, and we have a simpatico between us. As much as I would like to make her my wife and bring her here, I can't imagine having a wife with a secret past who won't tell me about it. After our last tiff, her daughter even called me to say I should open my heart, think only of the future and not worry about the past. What past? haha.

I know the culture is different in Viet Nam. But I'm fairly sure that not all women in Viet Nam are paid GFs. To be fair, knowing how awful Viet Nam was then, if I was a young single woman with a daughter to support, maybe I would have become a hooker! And, maybe I'm all wrong here.

Am I in the wrong forum for this question? More details can be provided if helpful, although most are salacious.

I'm hoping someone here can give me some insights into my dilemma or how to approach it.

OMG! my hubby had an ex, also a Vietnamese, who has a similar streak as your gf (paid GF, secretive past). I am not saying all of the Vietnamese girls are like that. Could be cultural? Each has a choice even when they're from the same culture.And I call my hubby "Mac". Coincidence?

When his bestfriend asked him how he got over it, he said he married a Filipina..hahha! No offense meant to anyone. Just sharing our first hand experience.

Suggest you have to try to get to know her motives and her past. You are into this relationship with an open heart, willing to petition her and her daughter. You have to know her past which has an impact to her present, and, most likely, your future.

Good luck!

[flicker 5]

move on as soon as u can,,,so many wonderfull women in the world ,,dont waist more time,,good luck and god bless

[tuvaty 3]

I agree with quann. I'd say that she should be 100% honest, or else the relationship is over. I wouldn't care how hot or sexy she is, if she's dishonest about her past, then "buh bye".

[quann 26]

move on as soon as u can,,,so many wonderfull women in the world ,,dont waist more time,,good luck and god bless

i agree with this. would not be surprised if she pulls some stunt after she's over here to get her a green card/permanent resident and away from you asap.

[dindo and patty 20]

1. Is there genuine love and affection there worth pursuing?

2. Is there any chance she will be completely honest?

3. If she opens up about her past, can you handle the truth?

4. Or will this be a point of contention down the road if you forge ahead?

You posted here because multiple red flags have popped up in this relationship. Can you overcome or get over these red flags? Only the two of you know

the answer to these questions. Good luck to you!

[tcTTct 37]

How does she pay for her daughter to study in the US and how does she pay for all those trips to visit?

Go with your gut instincts on this one.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

It's is not "normal" or a "cultural thing" at all. Most Vietnamese women her age would be somewhat conservative. Paid girlfriend? Absolutely not. It's not unusual for an American boyfriend to send a little cash to help her live a little more comfortably, but this would be after some sort of commitment has been made, and it wouldn't be more than a few hundred dollars a month. On $2000 a month she'd be living like a queen. On $5000 a month she'd be living like a goddess.

Go with your instincts on this one. She'll make you miserable if you follow through. If you've got your heart set on a Vietnamese girl then find one that's more traditional. At your age (and hers) it's more likely you'd meet a girl like that through family or friends, and not on the internet. Older traditional VN girls don't surf the net trawling for a husband.

Without venturing beyond a warm "R" rating, what are the other red flags you've seen?

[Boiler 43,362]

Sounds like a hooker.

[jac_chappin 24]

OP - Something is definitely wrong with this picture. It sounds like she's hiding something by not wanting to telling you about the 10-15 year past.

Go with your instinct as it will not fail you. Cut your loses! You'll be glad you did! Doing so will save you a future full of misery.

[tcTTct 37]

I just discussed this with my SO who is absolutely sure that your girlfriend was/is "gai bao", which is a paid girlfriend. She is not a prostitute because she does not go with anonymous men, but in order to be with her exclusively, you need to provide her with a constant source of income.

Ask yourself why she has friends who also gets paid to be somebody's boyfriend. Birds of a feather my friend. Stay away, you're her next meal ticket.

Edited July 18, 2011 by tcTTct

[Mike_Mac 3]

I'm getting a much better impression of what is culturally normal, based on the good responses received here. Thanks to everyone for your help.

Well, I understand that $2000 or $5000 would have been a fortune in VN back in the 1990s when she told me her BF was paying that. I think even now her job only pays about $350-500 in USD equivalent per month. To answer your question, here are some red flags, staying at or above the "R" rating:

1. A nice big house; she says she built it about 2003,

2. Lots of apparent money, a nice lifestyle (ex: she had a maid until 2008 or 2009 ),

3. On my late 2009 visit, there were wads of cash under her bed when I got there, which disappeared a couple of days later,

4. There were men's shirts in her closet; which she said had belonged to her old BF, but according to her he was out of the picture back in the 1990s and her house was built in 2003.

5. There was very very sexy lingerie in her closet; it was far and above anything my ex-wife ever wore for me! (but I probably had very dull marriage, haha),

6. Without going into detail, there were physical intimacies and webcam behavior which I believe were not spontaneous,

(she seems to have very good knowledge of a man's body),

7. Searching her email addresses discloses some Skype user names she has not and will not tell me about.

8. In her Skype account, she had between 100-200 blocked accounts, all men, from around the world,

9. Right before my late 2009 visit, she had sent an email to a man telling him she missed him and attached a picture of her that I had taken in front of a church; he replied telling her he loved her; when she was here in 2010 I called him at telephone number in his email and he called back in 30 minutes!

10. She wears a very big diamond platinum ring; she tells me she bought it for herself.

11. She used to go out in the late afternoons, all dressed up looking sexy, but this seemed to stop a couple of years ago.

12. Before I visited in late 2009, she sold a big motorcycle that was much too big for her

OK, now that I'm reading what I've just written...I'm an old fool!

It's is not "normal" or a "cultural thing" at all. Most Vietnamese women her age would be somewhat conservative. Paid girlfriend? Absolutely not. It's not unusual for an American boyfriend to send a little cash to help her live a little more comfortably, but this would be after some sort of commitment has been made, and it wouldn't be more than a few hundred dollars a month. On $2000 a month she'd be living like a queen. On $5000 a month she'd be living like a goddess.

Go with your instincts on this one. She'll make you miserable if you follow through. If you've got your heart set on a Vietnamese girl then find one that's more traditional. At your age (and hers) it's more likely you'd meet a girl like that through family or friends, and not on the internet. Older traditional VN girls don't surf the net trawling for a husband.

Without venturing beyond a warm "R" rating, what are the other red flags you've seen?

[Boiler 43,362]

Yep

[jac_chappin 24]

Good for you OP!

It sounds like you are figuring things out!