What did I do wrong?

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Buy her a plane ticket back to the Philippines and be done with it. You got a bad apple! Go back to the woods and try to find a more ripe and less rotten apple!!!

Really? Hit a bump in the road and quit?

While it's no excuse, I'm sure her world is in turmoil right now with the recover from the surgery basically crippling her. If she's anything like my Anna then being forced to rely on someone else for such basic needs isn't putting her in a comfortable or happy place.

They have history and that should allow him to take the current situation into consideration when pondering how to react.

Did she over-react? Of course she did.

Does she have a history of this? Doesn't sound like it.

Will it blow-over? Probably.

Then he will have a choice to make about how to handle the clean-up and if he'll confront her on the behavior being inappropriate.

I love Anna more than I could ever express but there were times when here over-reaction was just too much for me to take. Over the last 2 years we've worked hard on better communications from both ends and things have improved for both of us.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

http://www.raisingfi...western_03.html

From what little I have seen thus far, I would have to agree that it is a patriarchal culture, but it is matricentric. The man is the head of the household, the women take the man's name in marriage.

Having said that, a lot of women in the PI work hard, either at home or at a job, to provide the best for their family. Even now, my fiancee provides a lot for them, more so than her brother.

Perhaps that's a more accurate description, but same with my wife's family. She has 3 sisters and one brother. The sisters have all worked hard to help the family, while her brother is currently unemployed (left his last job voluntarily). The sisters have adorned him with all kinds of gifts (clothing, shoes, electronics).

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

Dave, try not to take it out of context. Bill (Same Old Guy) made the claim that this kind of behavior is typical of Filipinas and I'm reminding him that most of the Filipinas here met their American husbands through a dating service. International dating sites tend to draw certain types of American men as well as certain types of Filpinas, but that's whole other subject and way off topic.

I agree, it IS off topic, and IMHO, incorrect, hence my asking for clarification. Online dating is a huge movement, and I am pretty sure it's hard to typify the average applicant, regardless of their nationality.

Didn't meet mine on a dating site, but she DOES have a temper. And she CAN do the tampo thing for a day or two. As can most Pinays I know, and the majority of them never used a dating site to find their mates. So I don't think the aforementioned behavior has anything to do with the choice of finding a mate.

I CAN say that in my experience, Pinays are overall more jealous than all the American women I have known, that they get offended by some things we men do to them (cultural differences) that American women would not get so upset about, and that they are more family-centered than most American women I know. Again, this has nothing to do with them being "the type of women who use online dating services", cuz the ones I know, simply don't.

And tempers? Quicker to flare, slower to cool than most American women I know, but THAT is a personal thing, not cultural.

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

The OP's wife is definitely acting unreasonable....but you come across as batsh!t crazy.

BTW - why is it 4a and b and not just 4 & 5? Keeping it to a 'Top Ten'?

:lol:

[Ban Hammer 12,835]

hell for all you know, you could be on the negative for the rest of the marriage and you did not even do anything wrong.

welcome to my world

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I agree, it IS off topic, and IMHO, incorrect, hence my asking for clarification. Online dating is a huge movement, and I am pretty sure it's hard to typify the average applicant, regardless of their nationality.

Didn't meet mine on a dating site, but she DOES have a temper. And she CAN do the tampo thing for a day or two. As can most Pinays I know, and the majority of them never used a dating site to find their mates. So I don't think the aforementioned behavior has anything to do with the choice of finding a mate.

I CAN say that in my experience, Pinays are overall more jealous than all the American women I have known, that they get offended by some things we men do to them (cultural differences) that American women would not get so upset about, and that they are more family-centered than most American women I know. Again, this has nothing to do with them being "the type of women who use online dating services", cuz the ones I know, simply don't.

And tempers? Quicker to flare, slower to cool than most American women I know, but THAT is a personal thing, not cultural.

I was thinking more along the line of priests who are pedophiles. Not all priests are pedophiles and not all pedophiles choose to become priests, but obviously the profession attracts more than it's share of pedophiles. There very well may be cultural factors that contribute to Filipinas throwing tantrums, but IMO, that is no excuse to behave that way in a marriage. There have been enough Filipinas here who have piped in and stated this type of behavior is not normal, yet there seems to be a lot of this type of behavior experienced by American men with Filipina wives, so there is something there. While your wife didn't court you through a dating service, she did marry a foreigner. I don't know the answer, but apparently there seems to be correlation between these international marriages and Filipinas that have tantrums. I'm curious to hear from Filipinas who admit to having tantrums, if they saw this type of behavior from the mothers?

Edited July 14, 2011 by 8TBVBN

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

Perhaps that's a more accurate description, but same with my wife's family. She has 3 sisters and one brother. The sisters have all worked hard to help the family, while her brother is currently unemployed (left his last job voluntarily). The sisters have adorned him with all kinds of gifts (clothing, shoes, electronics).

Call it what ye will, but I like what I have seen there. It's a trait shared by Hispanic cultures, also. Not real sure if the PI was like that before the Spaniards took over, or if perhaps that's where it comes from. But taking care of family is very important in both cultures. I have seen it in several Puerto Rican friends, and typically it is the woman who sees to taking care of everyone, from kids to husband to parents.

I am sure most have heard the expression, "get to know her family well, because you are marrying them too", or words to that effect. Very true. In fact, though I did not KNOW it was a test at the time, she snookered me into meeting her family in the PI before she would even let me get very close to her. They loved me, I respected them... and BAM!!! Suddenly we were a couple.

It's foreign to me to be expected to care for the family like that, cuz it's not the norm in "Caucasian" (whatever THAT means, but I am told I am one) America. So it will take a little adjusting, but overall, I like it, I think. But I DO wish those lazier brothers would get off their hineys and get a JOB!!

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

I was thinking more along the line of priests who are pedophiles. Not all priests are pedophiles and not all pedophiles choose to become priests, but obviously the profession attracts more than it's share of pedophiles. There very well may be cultural factors that contribute to Filipinas throwing tantrums, but IMO, that is no excuse to behave that way in a marriage. There have been enough Filipinas here who have piped in and stated this type of behavior is not normal, yet there seems to be a lot of this type of behavior experienced by American men with Filipina wives, so there is something there. While your wife didn't court you through a dating service, she did marry a foreigner. I don't know the answer, but apparently there seems to be correlation between these international marriages and Filipinas that have tantrums. I'm curious to hear from Filipinas who admit to having tantrums, if they saw this type of behavior from the mothers?

Good analogy there, priests/pedophiles.

and I agree 110% about it not being an excuse to behave that way in a marriage. It's detrimental. I haven't commented to the OP cuz most here have said what I would have already. If it's the norm, and he kinda says it is, then he should either be used to it by now, or have decided it's not something he is willing to put up with.

I DON'T agree with sucking up to her (if) he did no wrong. But I would say after she calms down a bit, perhaps he should ask HER how she felt slighted by him, hear her side of it, and examine that aspect of it. I know I say things that upset my girl sometimes, and have NO IDEA why. Mine gets quiet, and uncommunicative, and while I hate that, I know that in a few hours, maybe a day, she will miss "US" so much that she will open up, and I make it a point to not let the original situation drop until we have talked about it. And to her credit, she has thanked me for being so patient with her moodiness, and she sees where attitude has ruined previous relationships. And she wants to grow and get away from that behavior, and has asked me to give her time to adjust. No problem, we all need time to grow and mature, right? Even some of us who are older, and hopefully wiser.

Perhaps only because we have not lived together much as of yet, but mine has never thrown anything and broken it when mad. And if she does, I think it will only happen once. Pinays are NOT the only ones with tempers, lol.

But I HAVE seen those beautiful brown eyes brew up a storm that makes me shake in wonder and fear. Probably always will....

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Perhaps that's a more accurate description, but same with my wife's family. She has 3 sisters and one brother. The sisters have all worked hard to help the family, while her brother is currently unemployed (left his last job voluntarily). The sisters have adorned him with all kinds of gifts (clothing, shoes, electronics).

So the men live like kings while the women slave away. Which is the favored gender in that world? Hippie logic amazes me sometimes, but not today.

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

Dave, try not to take it out of context. Bill (Same Old Guy) made the claim that this kind of behavior is typical of Filipinas and I'm reminding him that most of the Filipinas here met their American husbands through a dating service. International dating sites tend to draw certain types of American men as well as certain types of Filpinas, but that's whole other subject and way off topic.

I don't think Dave took your comment out of context. It was your comment that's out of thread context. (and) I think it is typical of you to drop a negative innuendo regarding online dating at every (available or not) opportunity so, I'm not surpised. (but) I am curious why you do it. Baiting? Unresolved issue? or What?

OP:

Every marriage is different. Nobody really knows what's going on in your house except you and your wife. My best guess, you embarrassed / belittled your wife in front of her friend. Time for you to learn a tight rope balancing walk. Give her space but keep showing concern. Balance correctly because right now, your walking the rope. Dire consequences if you should fall. Granpa always said.."happy wife = happy life and if momma ain't happy, nobody is." (no Steven, my grandparents didn't meet online)

Michael

Edited July 14, 2011 by ~happyndinlove~

[gretchen_darren 67]

All, I know is, the OP states this has happened before. She tried to hit him with her crutches, missed and hit her laptop, and got madder for hitting the laptop and it not working. I do not know who is guilty here and who is not. To me, I am just saying both sides are guilty and both sides are right. However, her destroying property and striking is abusive. Plain and simple. Words and statements are abusive as well. did this change when she got her 10 year green card? Only the OP can answer. Maybe it was coming for a while? Who knows? But Men rule the house in the Philippines. The women take care of the money. If a family or man is poor who is married, it is attributed to the wife for not taking charge of the household. However, Men earn the money. So if the man does not hand over the money, there are problems. The big thing is somehing is broken. Majorly badly broken between them. And him being home is getting to her. Maybe he is messy and does not pick up, or creates a mess when making a meal. Maybe his way of caring for her, makes her feel like she should be better able to take care of herself. The fact that she has cooked meals for herself, and bathed herself, plus taken the car out makes me wonder HOW WELL HE IS taking care of her. He may be home, but is he REALLY home. He did not even notice the friend was gone until AFTER an Hour getting off the call. He REALLY TUNED her out. This issue is NOT Tampo. Nowhere near TAMPO. This is something much deeper. Pinays desire and WANT a LOT of attention. Her swinging at him, shows she is checking if her is listening. She thinks HE is not there WITH her when he is PHYSICALLY there. Yes, she has problems, Breaking things is bad. BUT the breaking things is checking if HE is there. How could SHE get away with making a meal, taking a plate to the table, bathing herself, driving a car, she burned herself making food, that means at least 15 or more minutes. Taking a bath is at least 30 minutes. Taking a plate to the table is another 10 minutes. these things point to him NOT being very attentive.

She may be mad because he ain't doing what he said he would do. HE BROKE HIS WORD TO HER. in Filipino culture, this is very, very, very, very bad.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

b)take her home to her village, and talk with her parents and family. Explain to her parents and extended family, YOU have had enough of HER tantrums. So them a list of EVERYTHING she has broken. if she wants to leave you, you will leave HER there in the village taking HER green card and other items with you to turn in at the US Embassy. the last thing she wants is HER family to know how badly SHE is treating YOU or how much she has broken.

Ok, I want to know. Are you serious about the part I enboldened?

[Messybrownhair 251]

Ok, I want to know. Are you serious about the part I enboldened?

Haha, darren does seem to have a flair for the dramatic but you can tell that he's just a man totally smitten.. Im sure he's exagerrating about that part.

[gretchen_darren 67]

Rebecca Jo just STOP TROLLING AND GROW UP!!!!!!

Actually I am not joking about that part. It may seem overly dramatic. But if she changes after getting her 10 year green card, then she was just after getting to the states and not in love with me. I do not want to be guilty of visa fraud. And her divorcing me 30 days right after her 10 year green card would send up MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR flags with USCIS. From now on, when a girl tells me, she does not love me, she is gone. No questions asked. I ain't going to play those games any more. And if she is from another country, guess what, she is going right back to the country she came from. I ain't gonna do some other schmuck a favor by leaving her here. When I love, I love copmletely. I expect no less from my spouse. You may feel like it, but never never ever say you want to leave. Because I ain't gonna fight anymore. I will take you back leave you, divorce you, and find some other girl. If you don't believe Love Is ForEver, then don't bother with me. This poor OP is trying, I wish him the best. He is going through cultural issues. the worst part is the way she is abusing him right after getting her 10 year green card. He must really really love her. If I was him, she would already be packing to go back to Philippines. I would be deporting her myself, save the taxpayer the money.

I went through a really really really bad first marriage to an american woman. the marriage was verbally abusive, and horrible. If I was the OP, I would be taking her back to the village already. I spent 8 years sleeping alone in a 10 year marriage. There is no way I WILL spend just ONE day in another marriage going what the OP is going through. Taking her back to her village, and leaving her there is supreme ostracize for her. She will be disowned by the family for treating her husband the way she has. Filipino culture does not tolerate her behavior in any shape or form whatsoever. trust me, just going to the village, and going back to the hotel without her, will MAJORLY affect her. Sleeping one night in her parents house will do more to change her then anything he could do. If she is from a village like my fiancee is from, she would not EVEN be doing what she is doing.

[sunandmoon 450]

Rebecca Jo just STOP TROLLING AND GROW UP!!!!!!

Actually I am not joking about that part. It may seem overly dramatic. But if she changes after getting her 10 year green card, then she was just after getting to the states and not in love with me. I do not want to be guilty of visa fraud. And her divorcing me 30 days right after her 10 year green card would send up MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR flags with USCIS. From now on, when a girl tells me, she does not love me, she is gone. No questions asked. I ain't going to play those games any more. And if she is from another country, guess what, she is going right back to the country she came from. I ain't gonna do some other schmuck a favor by leaving her here. When I love, I love copmletely. I expect no less from my spouse. You may feel like it, but never never ever say you want to leave. Because I ain't gonna fight anymore. I will take you back leave you, divorce you, and find some other girl. If you don't believe Love Is ForEver, then don't bother with me. This poor OP is trying, I wish him the best. He is going through cultural issues. the worst part is the way she is abusing him right after getting her 10 year green card. He must really really love her. If I was him, she would already be packing to go back to Philippines. I would be deporting her myself, save the taxpayer the money.

I went through a really really really bad first marriage to an american woman. the marriage was verbally abusive, and horrible. If I was the OP, I would be taking her back to the village already. I spent 8 years sleeping alone in a 10 year marriage. There is no way I WILL spend just ONE day in another marriage going what the OP is going through. Taking her back to her village, and leaving her there is supreme ostracize for her. She will be disowned by the family for treating her husband the way she has. Filipino culture does not tolerate her behavior in any shape or form whatsoever. trust me, just going to the village, and going back to the hotel without her, will MAJORLY affect her. Sleeping one night in her parents house will do more to change her then anything he could do. If she is from a village like my fiancee is from, she would not EVEN be doing what she is doing.

you are jumping to a conclusion that having received the 10 year green card has anything to do with the OP's situation. also, you can not force someone to go back to their home country.

messybrownhair did you a favor with her post. sometimes silence is golden.