What did I do wrong?

[Arrta 1]

A little back story on this one. Charry at a young age had a leg injury that did not heal properly resulting in an gastrocnemius equinus contracture. Basically she could not place one of her feet flat on the ground. Once she found out that this could be corrected through surgery she wanted to have it.

Me being the typical husband and wanting everything for my family, currently consisting of just the 2 of us, I found out if it was covered by our insurance and we scheduled the operation. The surgery took place last week, and while not a 100% success the result was favorable.

I work in technical support and as such take phone calls as a part of my job. I am currently working from home to help her as she should not be moving around much for the first week and a half, and she is on crutches, so she can't carry much of anything.

Everything was going fine until yesterday. She had a friend come over, not a problem. I took my lunch break and made lunch for us and her friend brought over some food too. We had a nice lunch, and then I went back to work.

She and her friend were chatting in the other room using their, I'm sitting across from you but I have to scream at you, voices, when a call came in that I had to take. I politely asked her if they could go into the next room over or keep their voices down. A few mins later, still on the same call and having trouble hearing the customer because they apparently didn't listen to me, I asked again. About an hour later after getting off the call I found out why it had gotten quiet, she kicked her friend out.

She is now mad at me saying she wants to leave me because I was rude. She says she wants to leave me saying that she doesn't love me anymore.

She is now trying to do everything for herself and is fighting me over it. If I try to help her she throwsthings around the house, mostly water bottles, but also 2 3-5 lb dumbells, her laptop, at least 1 of the 2 month old kittens, though that was more gently and with a "wee" sound on her part, and other assorted items. She has threatened to break the new AC, hit me with her crutches, a full on swing not anything accidental. She also hit her computer with the crutches too trying to make me mad or something. All that ended up doing was making her more upset when the laptop stopped working.

Without my knowledge, she has taken a bath by herself, the bath part is fine, its the getting in and out of the tub on her own that is dangerous. She somehow cooked her lunch and got a plate and food over to the kitchen table. She has not done it safely however as she burnt herself with hot water while cooking.

She has even snuck out twice taking the car, her driving foot is fine. In the process her wrappings are now coming undone, whether that's from her putting on pants she should not be wearing with her foot wrapped, or just from all the activity she is doing. She has also hurt her leg, but won't tell me what is wrong, take any of the pain medication, or let me take her to the hospital.

What did I do wrong? How can I fix this? And how can I get her to let me help her?

[mariarob1 0]

I'm sorry for that sad story.Talk to her pleasantly and ask what is the problem.In my case i want to be with my fiance especially now he needs companion.his knee is swelling and he is alone.but in your case you are with your love but not having good relationship.anyway you pray also it will help.

[fazmo 24]

Given your story, you did nothing wrong. She seems to be overreacting. How old is she, just asking? What you should keep in mind is that she may come from a culture that forces one to tolerate (or even sacrifice) for a visiting guest/friend. To her, the guest was the important thing that needed to be protected. To you, it was your job and peaceful work environment (or home). It is hard for many people from other cultures when they come to America and told to keep the noises low. American society is focused on the individual whereas other cultures may focus on the social interaction (joking, chatting loudly).

Just clam her down. Tell her you understand why she is upset but you need to work otherwise things will get hard. Tell her you two should come first before everyone. When it comes to one of the spouse's comfort, a friend should hit the door - or even a family member. Tell her you did not want her friend to go - just the two of you to chat quietly. The reason she is upset is because friendship is valued in her culture - but she did not realized that marital relationship should be in the front seat now. Do not apologize - just make her understand because if what you said is true, she is wrong. But tell her in an understandable way - that you would kick your friend out if he disturbs your peace too.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

So this erratic behavior is new? Is she on some kind of medication? If so, I'd contact the doctor and inform him/her of the erratic behavioral changes in her that are new. I'd then call Catholic Social Services and schedule an appointment for the two of you with a marriage counselor. Call right away and don't say anything to her about it yet, unless you both are calm and collected. Hope you can get the right help soon. Good luck.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

It's a Filipino thing. You insulted her in front of her friend, and you need to apologize. Things should get better afterwards.

[Mr&MrsCDO 6]

From what I've read you haven't done her any wrong. Stop asking yourself on what you did wrong instead focus on winning her back. Obviously that incident with her friend started things to shake, Understand that she's too fragile now with her situation. She might feel bad about herself 'cause she can't do simple things well on her own. She's trying to make you see that she doesn't need you, so make her see that you're doing things for her because you need her and you love her. Give her flowers, leave little notes. I think this is just a simple case of "TAMPO". Talk to her.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

From what I've read you haven't done her any wrong. Stop asking yourself on what you did wrong instead focus on winning her back. Obviously that incident with her friend started things to shake, Understand that she's too fragile now with her situation. She might feel bad about herself 'cause she can't do simple things well on her own. She's trying to make you see that she doesn't need you, so make her see that you're doing things for her because you need her and you love her. Give her flowers, leave little notes. I think this is just a simple case of "TAMPO". Talk to her.

Yep. I agree.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

It's a Filipino thing. You insulted her in front of her friend, and you need to apologize. Things should get better afterwards.

She may have felt slighted, but the erratic behavior beyond that is not normal. They've been together for a few years now and obviously this behavior is new to him. A mere apology isn't going to wipe away what she's done and he doesn't deserve to be subjected to that kind of violent sh!t. Filipinas that act that way on a regular basis must have been spoiled as children and never learned how to act like like a civilized grown up.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

She may have felt slighted, but the erratic behavior beyond that is not normal. They've been together for a few years now and obviously this behavior is new to him. A mere apology isn't going to wipe away what she's done and he doesn't deserve to be subjected to that kind of violent sh!t. Filipinas that act that way on a regular basis must have been spoiled as children and never learned how to act like like a civilized grown up.

It's not something that can be reasoned with. It's like a switch gets thrown, and it will eventually reset itself, once she starts to reevaluate her situation. In the meantime, apologies from the husband are the only things that will accelerate the process. Trust me. I have been through it, and I have seen others go through it. If you don't like drama, don't marry a Pinay.

ETA: Grammar error bothered me.

Edited July 14, 2011 by Some Old Guy

[Darnell 8,478]

if this was one or two days, only, of this behavior I'd say it was tampo.

If it's more than a week, I'll suggest chemical imbalance.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

if this was one or two days, only, of this behavior I'd say it was tampo.

If it's more than a week, I'll suggest chemical imbalance.

Yeah, two, or three days is a bad one. I never seen it go past four or five days.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

It's not something that can be reasoned with. It's like a switch gets thrown, and it will eventually reset itself, once she starts to reevaluate her situation. In the meantime, apologies from the husband are the only thing that will accelerate the process. Trust me. I have been through it, and I have seen others go through it. If you don't like drama, don't marry a Pinay.

There may be some cultural influences on the way Filipinas handle anger, but keep in mind that most Americans here who've married Filipinas, met them through a dating service, which tends to draw certain types of women.

Back to the OP - if this is the first time he's seen her behave this way in the 3 years they've been married, this is not normal for her. Medications can have profound effect on behavior. That's what I'd look to first.

Edited July 14, 2011 by 8TBVBN

[Arrta 1]

Its not the first time it has happened. And its usually for some stupid reason. I just can't have her doing this NOW of all times. She needs to rest and get better. I don't want her to hurt herself and make things worse.

Edit: Or hurt herself more than she already has. Shes sleeping now, without meds, so hopefully whatever she did was not too serious.

Edited July 14, 2011 by Arrta

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Its not the first time it has happened. And its usually for some stupid reason. I just can't have her doing this NOW of all times. She needs to rest and get better. I don't want her to hurt herself and make things worse.

Edit: Or hurt herself more than she already has. Shes sleeping now, without meds, so hopefully whatever she did was not too serious.

Right on. Things may be better in the morning.

ETA: Steven is right about one thing: The pain killers will make it worse.

Edited July 14, 2011 by Some Old Guy

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Its not the first time it has happened. And its usually for some stupid reason. I just can't have her doing this NOW of all times. She needs to rest and get better. I don't want her to hurt herself and make things worse.

Ah, ok. Probably the added stress of being dependent on you and the fact that you are at home where she has no time to herself. Can you get back to the office right away? I'd still schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor. Tampo is bure bullsh!t and no man should have to tolerate his wife acting like a 3 year old with temper tantrum. The reality is, a lot of people, regardless of cultural background, have never learned how to express their anger in a constructive way. Breaking sh!t is inexcusable, immature, and will cause great strife in your marriage. You will build up a lot of resentment and then one day you'll boil over as well. I wouldn't take her hurtful words seriously, however, psychologically, she pierced your heart with saying some things that should never be said. That does damage to the relationship and to your love for her. I was married before to someone like that and I eventually became emotionally numb. Don't wait for that to happen. Get counseling. Do it for your sanity as well as your marriage. Good luck.