Combating the "yo mama don't live here" issue

[KittyPollitt 284]

I want to start by saying that I adore my husband, and for the most part, our relationship is great. It gets rocky, however, when it comes to the house work. Some of ya'll don't know about me, so I'll fill you in. I'm an independent contractor courier. Because of this, I was able to take a year off last year and have a baby, then go live with my fiance in Morocco for 6 months while waiting for his interview. When returning from Morocco last year, my mother had offered us a bedroom to crash in until we could adjust his status and save for an apartment. At the last minute, she pulled out and we had to use the money we'd saved for AOS for a security deposit on an apartment. Not having the money for AOS right away hasn't been an issue, because we have a toddler, and my husband stays home to take care of her. Now, I work 2 jobs, 60 hours, 6 days a week. I keep my family comfortable this way- he's got his playstation, his satellite tv, his internetz, and my daughter has toys and books all over the place. Therein lies the problem. They're ALL OVER THE PLACE. He sits at home and plays all damn day, pausing to feed himself and our daughter, and does little else. God help me, I try to keep up by at least keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean enough to pass a health inspection, but my jobs are physically and mentally stressful, and I come home tired, man.

I don't know how else to reason with him. I've taken the computer to work with me, he sits and watches TV all day and guilt trips me that he can't talk to his family when I do that. It's like having a damned teenager.

I'm not saying that he's not appreciative of me- our daughter is a very happy kid, well fed, and he's teaching her Arabic, which is awesome, and he's a fantastic snuggler and stress reliever, which is equally awesome. I just feel like he needs to pull some more weight around here.

I need some advice from my sisters. Another in case you don't know me- if you come out and say I'm being used and I should leave him, I will lash out at you viciously and this thread will be closed quickly- so please don't go there, because I need some constructive real life advice.

Thanks

Sarah

[jncsim 2]

I want to start by saying that I adore my husband, and for the most part, our relationship is great. It gets rocky, however, when it comes to the house work. Some of ya'll don't know about me, so I'll fill you in. I'm an independent contractor courier. Because of this, I was able to take a year off last year and have a baby, then go live with my fiance in Morocco for 6 months while waiting for his interview. When returning from Morocco last year, my mother had offered us a bedroom to crash in until we could adjust his status and save for an apartment. At the last minute, she pulled out and we had to use the money we'd saved for AOS for a security deposit on an apartment. Not having the money for AOS right away hasn't been an issue, because we have a toddler, and my husband stays home to take care of her. Now, I work 2 jobs, 60 hours, 6 days a week. I keep my family comfortable this way- he's got his playstation, his satellite tv, his internetz, and my daughter has toys and books all over the place. Therein lies the problem. They're ALL OVER THE PLACE. He sits at home and plays all damn day, pausing to feed himself and our daughter, and does little else. God help me, I try to keep up by at least keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean enough to pass a health inspection, but my jobs are physically and mentally stressful, and I come home tired, man.

I don't know how else to reason with him. I've taken the computer to work with me, he sits and watches TV all day and guilt trips me that he can't talk to his family when I do that. It's like having a damned teenager.

I'm not saying that he's not appreciative of me- our daughter is a very happy kid, well fed, and he's teaching her Arabic, which is awesome, and he's a fantastic snuggler and stress reliever, which is equally awesome. I just feel like he needs to pull some more weight around here.

I need some advice from my sisters. Another in case you don't know me- if you come out and say I'm being used and I should leave him, I will lash out at you viciously and this thread will be closed quickly- so please don't go there, because I need some constructive real life advice.

Thanks

Sarah

Probably you get him to help around the house by doing simple chores together. Example instead of you washing dishes allow both of you do it together. Chances are overtime, he may develop the attitude and start taking the initiative to do chores on his own. All the best.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Cancel the satellite service; use the money to hire a maid !

[BSquared 9]

I want to start by saying that I adore my husband, and for the most part, our relationship is great. It gets rocky, however, when it comes to the house work. Some of ya'll don't know about me, so I'll fill you in. I'm an independent contractor courier. Because of this, I was able to take a year off last year and have a baby, then go live with my fiance in Morocco for 6 months while waiting for his interview. When returning from Morocco last year, my mother had offered us a bedroom to crash in until we could adjust his status and save for an apartment. At the last minute, she pulled out and we had to use the money we'd saved for AOS for a security deposit on an apartment. Not having the money for AOS right away hasn't been an issue, because we have a toddler, and my husband stays home to take care of her. Now, I work 2 jobs, 60 hours, 6 days a week. I keep my family comfortable this way- he's got his playstation, his satellite tv, his internetz, and my daughter has toys and books all over the place. Therein lies the problem. They're ALL OVER THE PLACE. He sits at home and plays all damn day, pausing to feed himself and our daughter, and does little else. God help me, I try to keep up by at least keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean enough to pass a health inspection, but my jobs are physically and mentally stressful, and I come home tired, man.

I don't know how else to reason with him. I've taken the computer to work with me, he sits and watches TV all day and guilt trips me that he can't talk to his family when I do that. It's like having a damned teenager.

I'm not saying that he's not appreciative of me- our daughter is a very happy kid, well fed, and he's teaching her Arabic, which is awesome, and he's a fantastic snuggler and stress reliever, which is equally awesome. I just feel like he needs to pull some more weight around here.

I need some advice from my sisters. Another in case you don't know me- if you come out and say I'm being used and I should leave him, I will lash out at you viciously and this thread will be closed quickly- so please don't go there, because I need some constructive real life advice.

Thanks

Sarah

I'm not married yet (or anywhere near this stage)... But have you actually sat with him and told him how absolutely stressful it is to come home and have to 'work' a third job? I mean, being a parent IS another full-time job, but I would like to think that... a stay-at-home mother cooks, cleans, scrubs, bathes the kids, etc... so shouldn't his full-time daddy postition be the equivalent? You just never mentioned that you actually sat and had a heart to heart with him. It is a complete possiblity that you did, however, (lol) all I saw was that you took the computer and his frustration because of it. I know if I sat with Ben, he'd tell me that I'm completely right and that I definitely do my fair share (in working [and you do 60+hrs!], as the USC - again, he's still in NZ) and that the least he could do was pick up a few toys. One of the many married women probably has some different advice (due to experience) -- but I know this is where I'd start.

[stronger 43]

I'm going to play both sides of this. Because I was a stay at home mom for 2 years when my daughter was first born. Being "on" 24 hours a day can be exhausting. You are the complete entertainment for a little person and fail to speak full sentences for long periods of time. I'm not saying he doesn't have time to do chores, but when you feel you cannot turn your back for a minute with the child, your day leaves you and you're like dang...another day gone.

Now I don't know what his days were like back in his home country, but I'm going to assume like my Tolga, life was not easy and you work nearly 100 hours a week for little money. So I would say he understands hard work. He needs an understanding and sympathetic approach. Men never take the nagging or tough approach very kindly or openly. You have to say ...honey...I know you have an important role in being the caregiver for the most important body in our lives. It's draining and difficult. How can we work together to start a new routine?

I promise you...disarm the situation first. THEN you'll get your results.

Just a suggestion. Good luck hun

~ Sabrina

[KittyPollitt 284]

I'm not married yet (or anywhere near this stage)... But have you actually sat with him and told him how absolutely stressful it is to come home and have to 'work' a third job? I mean, being a parent IS another full-time job, but I would like to think that... a stay-at-home mother cooks, cleans, scrubs, bathes the kids, etc... so shouldn't his full-time daddy postition be the equivalent? You just never mentioned that you actually sat and had a heart to heart with him. It is a complete possiblity that you did, however, (lol) all I saw was that you took the computer and his frustration because of it. I know if I sat with Ben, he'd tell me that I'm completely right and that I definitely do my fair share (in working [and you do 60+hrs!], as the USC - again, he's still in NZ) and that the least he could do was pick up a few toys. One of the many married women probably has some different advice (due to experience) -- but I know this is where I'd start.

I have done that. The results last a day or two at best. I've also threatened turning off the satellite and internet and hiring a maid, but damn.. I use those things too, you know? I've been letting the frustration build up until I EXPLODE, and then it gets really ugly and nothing gets accomplished.

[Staashi 371]

Sarah, I'm of the opinion that his life is far too comfortable. Your priority should be AOS and for him to get a job. Moreover, you two can do shift work to take care if your little girl, but this pampering has got to stop.

Sit down and discuss how this is affecting your mental state. Make a simple list of what tidying he truly NEEDS to do on a daily basis...shared household cleaning can be done on the weekend. Hopefully, he will listen and take a proactive approach to working with you on this. However, if he takes a lackadaisical attitude about your feelings and acts like he can give two sh!ts about what you're going through then yes, he's using you.

Good luck!

[Staashi 371]

I also want to add that my hubby is the OCD champion of cleanliness in our house. I had alot to learn when we married and it caused so much strife in our relationship. I'm not perfect, but I have realized that keeping things in order makes life 100% easier and stress levels stay low. Just sayin'.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

I have done that. The results last a day or two at best. I've also threatened turning off the satellite and internet and hiring a maid, but damn.. I use those things too, you know? I've been letting the frustration build up until I EXPLODE, and then it gets really ugly and nothing gets accomplished.

I didn't mean to do it a way that makes it seem like a punishment - just a fact of life that you need help with the household chores. You are carrying a huge load and there's no way you can do it all by yourself. Something's gotta give....

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I want to start by saying that I adore my husband, and for the most part, our relationship is great. It gets rocky, however, when it comes to the house work. Some of ya'll don't know about me, so I'll fill you in. I'm an independent contractor courier. Because of this, I was able to take a year off last year and have a baby, then go live with my fiance in Morocco for 6 months while waiting for his interview. When returning from Morocco last year, my mother had offered us a bedroom to crash in until we could adjust his status and save for an apartment. At the last minute, she pulled out and we had to use the money we'd saved for AOS for a security deposit on an apartment. Not having the money for AOS right away hasn't been an issue, because we have a toddler, and my husband stays home to take care of her. Now, I work 2 jobs, 60 hours, 6 days a week. I keep my family comfortable this way- he's got his playstation, his satellite tv, his internetz, and my daughter has toys and books all over the place. Therein lies the problem. They're ALL OVER THE PLACE. He sits at home and plays all damn day, pausing to feed himself and our daughter, and does little else. God help me, I try to keep up by at least keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean enough to pass a health inspection, but my jobs are physically and mentally stressful, and I come home tired, man.

I don't know how else to reason with him. I've taken the computer to work with me, he sits and watches TV all day and guilt trips me that he can't talk to his family when I do that. It's like having a damned teenager.

I'm not saying that he's not appreciative of me- our daughter is a very happy kid, well fed, and he's teaching her Arabic, which is awesome, and he's a fantastic snuggler and stress reliever, which is equally awesome. I just feel like he needs to pull some more weight around here.

I need some advice from my sisters. Another in case you don't know me- if you come out and say I'm being used and I should leave him, I will lash out at you viciously and this thread will be closed quickly- so please don't go there, because I need some constructive real life advice.

Thanks

Sarah

Can you get simpler organization like for example, put extra toys away and then get big tupperware tubbies to its easier to clean up? I got these long flat tupperware tubbies for my daughter and a tupperware drawer set or its rubbber maid for my other child and point is to make systems that are easy to abide by

You also have to take into account how much child care is as well. Its almost 160 a week for a really good babysitter or daycare so take that into adjustment.

I think alot of men, Arab and American act like teenagers unless of course they are metrosexual and then they use all your hair gel and hog the bathroom

[Golden Gate 530]

If it was me, I'd cut out the satellite and use that money to save for AOSing so he can get a job as soon as possible.

[Lisamarie 79]

Sarah, did he work in Morocco, or just stay home? Have you had a heart-to-heart talk with him about this? I know what it is like to work a multitude of hours every week, it's draining and exhausting. Chances are none of the men in his family back home do any type of housework, cooking, etc....so he has that in his mind, that the woman is supposed to take care of everything in the home. But you don't have a conventional type of marriage, you are out working and he is the stay-at-home parent. Which means, he should have some of the stay-at-home responsibilities. I'm sure he is a great husband and father but he needs to help above and beyond taking care of your daughter. Maybe you should pick a good time for a conversation about it and just say you are very tired and are thinking about quitting your second job and maybe he'll need to get a nighttime job and you'll stay home with your daughter (or vice-versa, however that works out). Tell him that you can't keep up with two jobs and all of the housework on top of that. Maybe that will give him the ambition to help you out more. Good luck;)

I want to start by saying that I adore my husband, and for the most part, our relationship is great. It gets rocky, however, when it comes to the house work. Some of ya'll don't know about me, so I'll fill you in. I'm an independent contractor courier. Because of this, I was able to take a year off last year and have a baby, then go live with my fiance in Morocco for 6 months while waiting for his interview. When returning from Morocco last year, my mother had offered us a bedroom to crash in until we could adjust his status and save for an apartment. At the last minute, she pulled out and we had to use the money we'd saved for AOS for a security deposit on an apartment. Not having the money for AOS right away hasn't been an issue, because we have a toddler, and my husband stays home to take care of her. Now, I work 2 jobs, 60 hours, 6 days a week. I keep my family comfortable this way- he's got his playstation, his satellite tv, his internetz, and my daughter has toys and books all over the place. Therein lies the problem. They're ALL OVER THE PLACE. He sits at home and plays all damn day, pausing to feed himself and our daughter, and does little else. God help me, I try to keep up by at least keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean enough to pass a health inspection, but my jobs are physically and mentally stressful, and I come home tired, man.

I don't know how else to reason with him. I've taken the computer to work with me, he sits and watches TV all day and guilt trips me that he can't talk to his family when I do that. It's like having a damned teenager.

I'm not saying that he's not appreciative of me- our daughter is a very happy kid, well fed, and he's teaching her Arabic, which is awesome, and he's a fantastic snuggler and stress reliever, which is equally awesome. I just feel like he needs to pull some more weight around here.

I need some advice from my sisters. Another in case you don't know me- if you come out and say I'm being used and I should leave him, I will lash out at you viciously and this thread will be closed quickly- so please don't go there, because I need some constructive real life advice.

Thanks

Sarah

[momof1 205]

I'll assume the situation in Algeria and Morocco are fairly similar. Even women who work, both in Algeria and Algerians in the US, do everything in the house and with the kids when they get home. I get the feeling he thinks he's doing his part by watching your daughter. He's not used to doing household stuff. He needs to learn new habits as it sounds like those things don't cross his mind.

[msheesha 548]

Cancel the satellite service; use the money to hire a maid !

Love love love this idea!!!!!

[msheesha 548]

I love the idea of a maid but that also let's him off the hook a little and he may feel like he doesn't have to contribute and won't ever help around the house.

Squeaky - What do you think is the cause of the behavior? I think understanding the cause can help with the solution. Laziness? Cultural expectations? Thinks he won't do it right, etc?

If it's just laziness and him being oppositional that would be really annoying.

If it's cultural issues, point out some of the things about the US that are different than in Morocco that he likes and explain it all goes together. He can't have his cake & eat it too, ya know?

My husband didn't know how or when things needed to be done but when I ask him when it's needed to be done & show him how, it gets done.

Also when you are calm share with him the seriousness of how much this is bothering you and impacting your life and happiness. I imagine he really wants you to be happy and maybe knowing how heavily this is weighing in you, it will motivate him.