Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
KittyPollitt

Combating the "yo mama don't live here" issue

112 posts in this topic

Recommended Posts

Filed: AOS (pnd) Country: Morocco
Timeline

I want to start by saying that I adore my husband, and for the most part, our relationship is great. It gets rocky, however, when it comes to the house work. Some of ya'll don't know about me, so I'll fill you in. I'm an independent contractor courier. Because of this, I was able to take a year off last year and have a baby, then go live with my fiance in Morocco for 6 months while waiting for his interview. When returning from Morocco last year, my mother had offered us a bedroom to crash in until we could adjust his status and save for an apartment. At the last minute, she pulled out and we had to use the money we'd saved for AOS for a security deposit on an apartment. Not having the money for AOS right away hasn't been an issue, because we have a toddler, and my husband stays home to take care of her. Now, I work 2 jobs, 60 hours, 6 days a week. I keep my family comfortable this way- he's got his playstation, his satellite tv, his internetz, and my daughter has toys and books all over the place. Therein lies the problem. They're ALL OVER THE PLACE. He sits at home and plays all damn day, pausing to feed himself and our daughter, and does little else. God help me, I try to keep up by at least keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean enough to pass a health inspection, but my jobs are physically and mentally stressful, and I come home tired, man.

I don't know how else to reason with him. I've taken the computer to work with me, he sits and watches TV all day and guilt trips me that he can't talk to his family when I do that. It's like having a damned teenager.

I'm not saying that he's not appreciative of me- our daughter is a very happy kid, well fed, and he's teaching her Arabic, which is awesome, and he's a fantastic snuggler and stress reliever, which is equally awesome. I just feel like he needs to pull some more weight around here.

I need some advice from my sisters. Another in case you don't know me- if you come out and say I'm being used and I should leave him, I will lash out at you viciously and this thread will be closed quickly- so please don't go there, because I need some constructive real life advice.

Thanks

Sarah

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: F-2A Visa Country: Jamaica
Timeline

I want to start by saying that I adore my husband, and for the most part, our relationship is great. It gets rocky, however, when it comes to the house work. Some of ya'll don't know about me, so I'll fill you in. I'm an independent contractor courier. Because of this, I was able to take a year off last year and have a baby, then go live with my fiance in Morocco for 6 months while waiting for his interview. When returning from Morocco last year, my mother had offered us a bedroom to crash in until we could adjust his status and save for an apartment. At the last minute, she pulled out and we had to use the money we'd saved for AOS for a security deposit on an apartment. Not having the money for AOS right away hasn't been an issue, because we have a toddler, and my husband stays home to take care of her. Now, I work 2 jobs, 60 hours, 6 days a week. I keep my family comfortable this way- he's got his playstation, his satellite tv, his internetz, and my daughter has toys and books all over the place. Therein lies the problem. They're ALL OVER THE PLACE. He sits at home and plays all damn day, pausing to feed himself and our daughter, and does little else. God help me, I try to keep up by at least keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean enough to pass a health inspection, but my jobs are physically and mentally stressful, and I come home tired, man.

I don't know how else to reason with him. I've taken the computer to work with me, he sits and watches TV all day and guilt trips me that he can't talk to his family when I do that. It's like having a damned teenager.

I'm not saying that he's not appreciative of me- our daughter is a very happy kid, well fed, and he's teaching her Arabic, which is awesome, and he's a fantastic snuggler and stress reliever, which is equally awesome. I just feel like he needs to pull some more weight around here.

I need some advice from my sisters. Another in case you don't know me- if you come out and say I'm being used and I should leave him, I will lash out at you viciously and this thread will be closed quickly- so please don't go there, because I need some constructive real life advice.

Thanks

Sarah

Probably you get him to help around the house by doing simple chores together. Example instead of you washing dishes allow both of you do it together. Chances are overtime, he may develop the attitude and start taking the initiative to do chores on his own. All the best.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: Country: New Zealand
Timeline

I want to start by saying that I adore my husband, and for the most part, our relationship is great. It gets rocky, however, when it comes to the house work. Some of ya'll don't know about me, so I'll fill you in. I'm an independent contractor courier. Because of this, I was able to take a year off last year and have a baby, then go live with my fiance in Morocco for 6 months while waiting for his interview. When returning from Morocco last year, my mother had offered us a bedroom to crash in until we could adjust his status and save for an apartment. At the last minute, she pulled out and we had to use the money we'd saved for AOS for a security deposit on an apartment. Not having the money for AOS right away hasn't been an issue, because we have a toddler, and my husband stays home to take care of her. Now, I work 2 jobs, 60 hours, 6 days a week. I keep my family comfortable this way- he's got his playstation, his satellite tv, his internetz, and my daughter has toys and books all over the place. Therein lies the problem. They're ALL OVER THE PLACE. He sits at home and plays all damn day, pausing to feed himself and our daughter, and does little else. God help me, I try to keep up by at least keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean enough to pass a health inspection, but my jobs are physically and mentally stressful, and I come home tired, man.

I don't know how else to reason with him. I've taken the computer to work with me, he sits and watches TV all day and guilt trips me that he can't talk to his family when I do that. It's like having a damned teenager.

I'm not saying that he's not appreciative of me- our daughter is a very happy kid, well fed, and he's teaching her Arabic, which is awesome, and he's a fantastic snuggler and stress reliever, which is equally awesome. I just feel like he needs to pull some more weight around here.

I need some advice from my sisters. Another in case you don't know me- if you come out and say I'm being used and I should leave him, I will lash out at you viciously and this thread will be closed quickly- so please don't go there, because I need some constructive real life advice.

Thanks

Sarah

I'm not married yet (or anywhere near this stage)... But have you actually sat with him and told him how absolutely stressful it is to come home and have to 'work' a third job? I mean, being a parent IS another full-time job, but I would like to think that... a stay-at-home mother cooks, cleans, scrubs, bathes the kids, etc... so shouldn't his full-time daddy postition be the equivalent? You just never mentioned that you actually sat and had a heart to heart with him. It is a complete possiblity that you did, however, (lol) all I saw was that you took the computer and his frustration because of it. :) I know if I sat with Ben, he'd tell me that I'm completely right and that I definitely do my fair share (in working [and you do 60+hrs!], as the USC - again, he's still in NZ) and that the least he could do was pick up a few toys. One of the many married women probably has some different advice (due to experience) -- but I know this is where I'd start.


2BoFm4.png

Met - Feb. 2010

Ben ~> States - Oct. 2010

Ben ~> States - Dec. 2010 to Jan. 2011

Becky ~> NZ - March 2011

*starting IR-1/CR-1 soon... fingers crossed*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: Timeline

I'm going to play both sides of this. Because I was a stay at home mom for 2 years when my daughter was first born. Being "on" 24 hours a day can be exhausting. You are the complete entertainment for a little person and fail to speak full sentences for long periods of time. I'm not saying he doesn't have time to do chores, but when you feel you cannot turn your back for a minute with the child, your day leaves you and you're like dang...another day gone.

Now I don't know what his days were like back in his home country, but I'm going to assume like my Tolga, life was not easy and you work nearly 100 hours a week for little money. So I would say he understands hard work. He needs an understanding and sympathetic approach. Men never take the nagging or tough approach very kindly or openly. You have to say ...honey...I know you have an important role in being the caregiver for the most important body in our lives. It's draining and difficult. How can we work together to start a new routine?

I promise you...disarm the situation first. THEN you'll get your results.

Just a suggestion. Good luck hun :)

~ Sabrina

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: AOS (pnd) Country: Morocco
Timeline

I'm not married yet (or anywhere near this stage)... But have you actually sat with him and told him how absolutely stressful it is to come home and have to 'work' a third job? I mean, being a parent IS another full-time job, but I would like to think that... a stay-at-home mother cooks, cleans, scrubs, bathes the kids, etc... so shouldn't his full-time daddy postition be the equivalent? You just never mentioned that you actually sat and had a heart to heart with him. It is a complete possiblity that you did, however, (lol) all I saw was that you took the computer and his frustration because of it. :) I know if I sat with Ben, he'd tell me that I'm completely right and that I definitely do my fair share (in working [and you do 60+hrs!], as the USC - again, he's still in NZ) and that the least he could do was pick up a few toys. One of the many married women probably has some different advice (due to experience) -- but I know this is where I'd start.

I have done that. The results last a day or two at best. I've also threatened turning off the satellite and internet and hiring a maid, but damn.. I use those things too, you know? I've been letting the frustration build up until I EXPLODE, and then it gets really ugly and nothing gets accomplished. :crying:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: Other Country: Argentina
Timeline

Sarah, I'm of the opinion that his life is far too comfortable. Your priority should be AOS and for him to get a job. Moreover, you two can do shift work to take care if your little girl, but this pampering has got to stop.

Sit down and discuss how this is affecting your mental state. Make a simple list of what tidying he truly NEEDS to do on a daily basis...shared household cleaning can be done on the weekend. Hopefully, he will listen and take a proactive approach to working with you on this. However, if he takes a lackadaisical attitude about your feelings and acts like he can give two sh!ts about what you're going through then yes, he's using you.

Good luck!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: Other Country: Argentina
Timeline

I also want to add that my hubby is the OCD champion of cleanliness in our house. I had alot to learn when we married and it caused so much strife in our relationship. I'm not perfect, but I have realized that keeping things in order makes life 100% easier and stress levels stay low. Just sayin'.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: Country: Palestine
Timeline

I have done that. The results last a day or two at best. I've also threatened turning off the satellite and internet and hiring a maid, but damn.. I use those things too, you know? I've been letting the frustration build up until I EXPLODE, and then it gets really ugly and nothing gets accomplished. :crying:

I didn't mean to do it a way that makes it seem like a punishment - just a fact of life that you need help with the household chores. You are carrying a huge load and there's no way you can do it all by yourself. Something's gotta give....


6y04dk.jpg
شارع النجمة في بيت لحم

Too bad what happened to a once thriving VJ but hardly a surprise

al Nakba 1948-2015
66 years of forced exile and dispossession


Copyright © 2015 by PalestineMyHeart. Original essays, comments by and personal photographs taken by PalestineMyHeart are the exclusive intellectual property of PalestineMyHeart and may not be reused, reposted, or republished anywhere in any manner without express written permission from PalestineMyHeart.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: Timeline

I want to start by saying that I adore my husband, and for the most part, our relationship is great. It gets rocky, however, when it comes to the house work. Some of ya'll don't know about me, so I'll fill you in. I'm an independent contractor courier. Because of this, I was able to take a year off last year and have a baby, then go live with my fiance in Morocco for 6 months while waiting for his interview. When returning from Morocco last year, my mother had offered us a bedroom to crash in until we could adjust his status and save for an apartment. At the last minute, she pulled out and we had to use the money we'd saved for AOS for a security deposit on an apartment. Not having the money for AOS right away hasn't been an issue, because we have a toddler, and my husband stays home to take care of her. Now, I work 2 jobs, 60 hours, 6 days a week. I keep my family comfortable this way- he's got his playstation, his satellite tv, his internetz, and my daughter has toys and books all over the place. Therein lies the problem. They're ALL OVER THE PLACE. He sits at home and plays all damn day, pausing to feed himself and our daughter, and does little else. God help me, I try to keep up by at least keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean enough to pass a health inspection, but my jobs are physically and mentally stressful, and I come home tired, man.

I don't know how else to reason with him. I've taken the computer to work with me, he sits and watches TV all day and guilt trips me that he can't talk to his family when I do that. It's like having a damned teenager.

I'm not saying that he's not appreciative of me- our daughter is a very happy kid, well fed, and he's teaching her Arabic, which is awesome, and he's a fantastic snuggler and stress reliever, which is equally awesome. I just feel like he needs to pull some more weight around here.

I need some advice from my sisters. Another in case you don't know me- if you come out and say I'm being used and I should leave him, I will lash out at you viciously and this thread will be closed quickly- so please don't go there, because I need some constructive real life advice.

Thanks

Sarah

Can you get simpler organization like for example, put extra toys away and then get big tupperware tubbies to its easier to clean up? I got these long flat tupperware tubbies for my daughter and a tupperware drawer set or its rubbber maid for my other child and point is to make systems that are easy to abide by

You also have to take into account how much child care is as well. Its almost 160 a week for a really good babysitter or daycare so take that into adjustment.

I think alot of men, Arab and American act like teenagers unless of course they are metrosexual and then they use all your hair gel and hog the bathroom

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Morocco
Timeline

If it was me, I'd cut out the satellite and use that money to save for AOSing so he can get a job as soon as possible.


event.png




K1 Visa
Event Date
Service Center : Texas Service Center
Consulate : Morocco
I-129F Sent : 2011-03-07
I-129F NOA2 : 2011-07-08
Interview Date : 2011-11-01
Interview Result : Approved
Visa Received : 2011-11-03
US Entry : 2012-02-28
Marriage : 2012-03-05
AOS sent: 05/16/2012
AOS received USCIS: 5/23/2012
EAD Delivered: 8/3/2012
AOS Interview: 08/20/2012.
Green Card Received: 08/27/2012

ROC Form Sent 07/17/2014

ROC NOA 07/24/2014
ROC Biometrics Appt. 8/21/2014
ROC RFE 10/2014 Evidence sent 1/4/2014

ROC Approval Letter received 1/13/2015

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: IR-1/CR-1 Visa Country: Morocco
Timeline

Sarah, did he work in Morocco, or just stay home? Have you had a heart-to-heart talk with him about this? I know what it is like to work a multitude of hours every week, it's draining and exhausting. Chances are none of the men in his family back home do any type of housework, cooking, etc....so he has that in his mind, that the woman is supposed to take care of everything in the home. But you don't have a conventional type of marriage, you are out working and he is the stay-at-home parent. Which means, he should have some of the stay-at-home responsibilities. I'm sure he is a great husband and father but he needs to help above and beyond taking care of your daughter. Maybe you should pick a good time for a conversation about it and just say you are very tired and are thinking about quitting your second job and maybe he'll need to get a nighttime job and you'll stay home with your daughter (or vice-versa, however that works out). Tell him that you can't keep up with two jobs and all of the housework on top of that. Maybe that will give him the ambition to help you out more. Good luck;)

I want to start by saying that I adore my husband, and for the most part, our relationship is great. It gets rocky, however, when it comes to the house work. Some of ya'll don't know about me, so I'll fill you in. I'm an independent contractor courier. Because of this, I was able to take a year off last year and have a baby, then go live with my fiance in Morocco for 6 months while waiting for his interview. When returning from Morocco last year, my mother had offered us a bedroom to crash in until we could adjust his status and save for an apartment. At the last minute, she pulled out and we had to use the money we'd saved for AOS for a security deposit on an apartment. Not having the money for AOS right away hasn't been an issue, because we have a toddler, and my husband stays home to take care of her. Now, I work 2 jobs, 60 hours, 6 days a week. I keep my family comfortable this way- he's got his playstation, his satellite tv, his internetz, and my daughter has toys and books all over the place. Therein lies the problem. They're ALL OVER THE PLACE. He sits at home and plays all damn day, pausing to feed himself and our daughter, and does little else. God help me, I try to keep up by at least keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean enough to pass a health inspection, but my jobs are physically and mentally stressful, and I come home tired, man.

I don't know how else to reason with him. I've taken the computer to work with me, he sits and watches TV all day and guilt trips me that he can't talk to his family when I do that. It's like having a damned teenager.

I'm not saying that he's not appreciative of me- our daughter is a very happy kid, well fed, and he's teaching her Arabic, which is awesome, and he's a fantastic snuggler and stress reliever, which is equally awesome. I just feel like he needs to pull some more weight around here.

I need some advice from my sisters. Another in case you don't know me- if you come out and say I'm being used and I should leave him, I will lash out at you viciously and this thread will be closed quickly- so please don't go there, because I need some constructive real life advice.

Thanks

Sarah


Moroccan-Americanflag.jpg

Met in December 2008

Married in Morocco December 22, 2009

Filed IR1/CR1 - April 2010

NOA1 - April 29, 2010

RFE - November 12, 2010

Response to RFE - December 22, 2010

NOA2 - January 18, 2011

Paid AOS and IV Bill - January 27, 2011

Sent AOS/IV documents - March 15 2011

NVC received/signed for documents - March 17

Interview May 10

APPROVED

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Algeria
Timeline

I'll assume the situation in Algeria and Morocco are fairly similar. Even women who work, both in Algeria and Algerians in the US, do everything in the house and with the kids when they get home. I get the feeling he thinks he's doing his part by watching your daughter. He's not used to doing household stuff. He needs to learn new habits as it sounds like those things don't cross his mind.


event.png

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I love the idea of a maid but that also let's him off the hook a little and he may feel like he doesn't have to contribute and won't ever help around the house.

Squeaky - What do you think is the cause of the behavior? I think understanding the cause can help with the solution. Laziness? Cultural expectations? Thinks he won't do it right, etc?

If it's just laziness and him being oppositional that would be really annoying.

If it's cultural issues, point out some of the things about the US that are different than in Morocco that he likes and explain it all goes together. He can't have his cake & eat it too, ya know?

My husband didn't know how or when things needed to be done but when I ask him when it's needed to be done & show him how, it gets done.

Also when you are calm share with him the seriousness of how much this is bothering you and impacting your life and happiness. I imagine he really wants you to be happy and maybe knowing how heavily this is weighing in you, it will motivate him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 
Didn't find the answer you were looking for? Ask our VJ Immigration Lawyers.
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Sign in to follow this  
- Back to Top -


Important Disclaimer: Please read carefully the Visajourney.com Terms of Service. If you do not agree to the Terms of Service you should not access or view any page (including this page) on VisaJourney.com. Answers and comments provided on Visajourney.com Forums are general information, and are not intended to substitute for informed professional medical, psychiatric, psychological, tax, legal, investment, accounting, or other professional advice. Visajourney.com does not endorse, and expressly disclaims liability for any product, manufacturer, distributor, service or service provider mentioned or any opinion expressed in answers or comments. VisaJourney.com does not condone immigration fraud in any way, shape or manner. VisaJourney.com recommends that if any member or user knows directly of someone involved in fraudulent or illegal activity, that they report such activity directly to the Department of Homeland Security, Immigration and Customs Enforcement. You can contact ICE via email at Immigration.Reply@dhs.gov or you can telephone ICE at 1-866-347-2423. All reported threads/posts containing reference to immigration fraud or illegal activities will be removed from this board. If you feel that you have found inappropriate content, please let us know by contacting us here with a url link to that content. Thank you.
×
×
  • Create New...