Combating the "yo mama don't live here" issue

[Golden Gate 530]

<br />Hi,  <br /><br />  When I met my fiance then in Morocco, I loved so much that he was such a family man and did so much for his mother and sister's.  He helped around the house, ran errands for the family if they needed anything, heck I helped too when I was there.  My husband is very helpful around the house. He washes dishes always after I cook, he keeps up the laundry for family, he takes out the trash every day, LOL he even waters my flowers when I forget.  I have a puppy that he takes care of all day making sure he goes outside.... he even like to vacuum  <img src='http://static-forums.visajourney.com/public/style_emoticons/default/wacko.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />  We have small disagreements about little things but nothing major so far and life has  been blessed for us both.  He has the patience of someone that is 100 years old LOL, nothing ever seems to bother him at all.  He still prays all his prayers which I am so blessed that he America has not changed his way of thinking.<br />

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Mines the same. He is the oldest, so he actually supports his parents and his whole family on his teacher income, all 9 of them that are home. He is the one who does the shopping and making sure they have what they need. When I was there, he cooked for me the whole time, but I started to help him, because it was just nice doing it together. He likes things clean and we are both simple people, so we try to keep it simple. I think that is what I looked for in a man, because I didn't want to have those kinds of fights.

[Peace.... 281]

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Mines the same. He is the oldest, so he actually supports his parents and his whole family on his teacher income, all 9 of them that are home. He is the one who does the shopping and making sure they have what they need. When I was there, he cooked for me the whole time, but I started to help him, because it was just nice doing it together. He likes things clean and we are both simple people, so we try to keep it simple. I think that is what I looked for in a man, because I didn't want to have those kinds of fights.

I love the simple life as well. We enjoy cooking together too. He actually cooks very well, and has taught me a few things or two. He says it's only fair that I help around the house because you are the one working. We go every where together as he loves it all. We spend a lot of time at the lake and enjoying fishing and hiking around. I think most of all, we are just very loving with each other as couples should be. We laugh and talk a lot and just enjoy being together as we did when I visited him in Morocco. He is excited about finding a job and working. He too was a Teacher in Morocco for some time. I can't wait to go back to Morocco and visit, I miss it sooooooooooo much.

Edited July 2, 2011 by foreverwaiting

[sachinky 464]

Mr. Sachinky and I both work 40 hour weeks. Chores in the Sachinky household are divvied up as follows:

Mr. Sachinky takes care of the

--laundry/ironing (once a week, or in the winter, once every two weeks). Hey, we're all for energy/water conservation.

--he takes the trash out, every couple of days or so. And here's the big one.

--He's cleans the pot (and the bathroom in general).

This is something I have absolutely refused to do, so, in exchange, I am amenable to

--doing the dishes every couple of days or so (freshman year in the dining hall taught me well). We have a dishwasher but it takes so much time that it's just not worth it. I can do it in a quarter amount of the time and use less water.

--If we are eating in, I usually cook. I'm very picky and particular about what I eat (think taste, not calories) whereas Mr. Sachinky is quite willing to go with the flow. He's also quite the human trash compactor. He helps out in the kitchen, stirring the sauce or chopping the vegetables etc.

--And I take care of all the bills. This includes gas, electricity, phone, internet, rent, cable, car payments, credit card, etc. I don't particularly like this last chore mostly because it's annoying to have to punch in the several-digit-long credit card number many times over but I'd rather do this task myself than leave it to Mr. Sachinky's forgetful nature and be hit with late fees. I trust in my inherent OCD and make sure I leave myself reminders in a different number of ways. Phone, post-its, tags on the refridgerator. You get it.

Once in a while, when (more like, if!) we get the urge to clean our apartment, we usually split up and take two rooms each. He gets the bathroom and the living room and I take the bedroom and kitchen.

I am also in charge of managing our finances and ordering take-out. You know, important stuff. And Mr. Sachinky is in charge of car-related stuff, and other banal ####### like insurance and taxes.

Man, we may sound old for a couple of twenty-four year olds but between the two of us, we have at least, got this living-together-in-near-harmony-thingie, (if not the whole-marriage-deal,) worked out. It works for us because we're both pretty laidback, easy-going individuals.

I hope things work out for you, Sarah. I'm sure once you communicate your needs clearly to him, he will begin to reciprocate. A list of duties and dividing up certain chores/responsibilities might make him realize that he needs to start pulling his weight around the house. I'm sure you are very tired after working a long day and if you don't nip this in the bud now, you'll wind up resenting him. Good luck!

Edited July 6, 2011 by sachinky

[KittyPollitt 284]

Thanks Sachy My floor is clean. There are no crumbs stuck to my feet. The bathtub doesn't look like wild animals bathed in it. The sink is empty. So far so good.

Edited July 7, 2011 by squeaky580

[venusfire503 54]

Squeaky,

I hope it continues! Of course, there will likely be some 'sliding' sometimes - the most important part is that things improve, and you're able to keep from 'burning out'.

Good luck

venusfire

[venusfire503 54]

I don't know if this will help you - or anyone else - but I had this same issue with my ex (not the only issue!). He worked long hours, and I was home with the wee one. It's difficult when it's just one child - they want ALL your time and attention, and it's difficult to get things done. Also, I couldn't CONSTANTLY clean all day long, every time the baby made a mess - it's boring and exhausting. So I finally came up with a deal - I would let the house go during the day (no need to keep cleaning up the same toys and books 100 times a day, seriously). He would call when he was coming home (since it wasn't always the same time) and give me at least 1/2 hour notice. I would clean ONE TIME each day (well, a little during her naps, too, when she took them) - while he was on his way home. I got to spend time with my daughter during the day (which is more important than constant cleaning), and he would still come home to a fairly clean and straightened out house. He was happy, and I wasn't so exhausted. I also didn't have to ignore my baby more than about 1/2 hour each day. And when she got old enough to help me, we made a 'game' out of getting it done. I wanted to share this because this idea was a 'life saver' - and one of the few things the ex and I ever worked out/solved during our marriage. I figure if it worked for us.....

There are sometimes more time intensive things that need to be done. My theory was that he could play with the baby sometimes (evenings, weekends, whatever) while I worked on those things. That would have worked, in my opinion, if he had done that. Since he didn't (and money wasn't as much of an issue), I actually hired mother's helpers to play with the children so I could get things like bills, laundry, and real cleaning (not just straightening up) done. I think the best idea would be a combination. I think it's important for the working parent(s) to get some one one one time with the children, and also for the 'non-working' (I prefer 'at-home') parent to get a few minutes away. Ideally, the at-home parent should have some time to get 'work' done without interruption (ever try to make a phone call with a demanding baby/toddler around?), and both parents should get occasional 'free' time with no child(ren) and no work/housework.

Luckily, my husband and I managed to work out the whole who-does-what thing. We're also flexible about it - he often does more around (and outside) the house (even child care related things - for children that aren't 'his', biologically - only in his heart) than I do, but he REALLY took over while I went back to school. Now that I'm finally done with school, I am doing more around the house. And he surprised me by telling me he enrolled in school starting in the Fall!

Best of luck to everyone.

venusfire

[LaL 418]

Glad things are working so far!

[Adil & Jeanne 296]

if anyone could tell me how to take off this post as what i said is combined with her words and I am disturbed with this

Thanks

[Muh and me 18]

if anyone could tell me how to take off this post as what i said is combined with her words and I am disturbed with this

Thanks

ask a moderator!

Edited August 11, 2011 by Muh and me

[KittyPollitt 284]

Ramadan has not helped this issue. So I took a 3rd job and plan to hire a maid. It's going to have me working 74 hours a week, but at least my house will be clean and my daughter won't be crawling around on a filthy floor. When she starts school and he can work, I plan to retire. lmao

[Lisamarie 79]

Sarah, no offense, but if you are working 74 hours a week, when will you get to spend time with your daughter? And what kind of quality time will it be (when you find the time), because you will be so tired all the time? Don't you also deserve time with her?? And time for relaxation?? I'm sorry, I know you have no control over this situation because you keep trying and trying to change it, and I know you are doing what you feel you have to do, and I know you love your husband very much and I'm sure he's a good man.........but.....he is not respecting you and I don't understand why he doesn't get it. Doesn't he realize that you are going to be completely exhausted all the time? Not to mention working your life away isn't good for your health. I wish you the best of luck with everything. Take care.

Ramadan has not helped this issue. So I took a 3rd job and plan to hire a maid. It's going to have me working 74 hours a week, but at least my house will be clean and my daughter won't be crawling around on a filthy floor. When she starts school and he can work, I plan to retire. lmao

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Ramadan has not helped this issue. So I took a 3rd job and plan to hire a maid. It's going to have me working 74 hours a week, but at least my house will be clean and my daughter won't be crawling around on a filthy floor. When she starts school and he can work, I plan to retire. lmao

What exactly is he doing if you have to hire a maid to clean? I am not understanding this situation and why exactly you have to work a third job. Can't he get a small job doing something in the meanwhile? I know shes not 4 yet but when she is , I suggest you put her in VPK and the after care is very very very reasonable. I am just not understanding how your house is getting so trashed if there is someone there all the time.. ( unless he was very spoiled in Morocco and his mother did all the cooking and cleaning and he did absolutely nothing) You are a little too young to be a sugar momma if you know what I mean

[nane1104 146]

Does your husband in general agree that he should do housework period? You mention that after you "explode" or talk to him, things improve for a few days and then go back to the old habits.

Maybe he doesn't really know what to do or he feels overwhelmed?

I know I did after my son was born and a lot of things didn't get done during the day. Also, Sometimes days just fly by with a kid and with all good intensions, you just don't get to do much housework. Oh well, I am sure you know that...

I have one suggestion to make though that works for me very well...go to www.flylady.net and sign up for the daily newsletters and all. It's a really awesome system on how to keep your house organized and neat without spending hours and hours of cleaning a day. They have lists and daily reminders of the daily tasks and they are so motivating. He might laugh about the getup of the site, it seems very much geared towards women but he might like how easy everything is structured and explained.

[nurse1967 287]

Ramadan has not helped this issue. So I took a 3rd job and plan to hire a maid. It's going to have me working 74 hours a week, but at least my house will be clean and my daughter won't be crawling around on a filthy floor. When she starts school and he can work, I plan to retire. lmao

NO MAN is worth that in my opinion.

[zahrasalem 114]

I'm sorry for your situation, but I just can't understand how any husband could sit back while his wife takes 3 jobs, much less even 2 jobs, while he has none. Another poster also made a good point: why is your house getting SO dirty if he's there all day?

Even though you both love each other, something just isn't right about you having to work 2 or 3 jobs.....sorry, hope it gets better for you.

~Zahra