Completely in need of advice

[Karen_L 1]

My husband and I currently live with my parents. Luckily, we have our own little apartment, so we're all not SO on top of each other, but there are some pretty serious issues that are coming up, mostly to do with my mother. My mother and I have always had a very close relationship, more like friends than mother-daughter, but she is having a really, really bad reaction to my marriage, even though she says she likes my husband, they get along well enough, he's been a perfect gentleman AND he found a (pretty well-paying) job within a month of his arrival.

First of all, I feel like she's trying to exert some kind of authoritarian control over everything I do -- I haven't gone anywhere (with or without my husband) since his arrival and not been made to feel guilty for doing so, with the exception of work -- somehow she doesn't feel the need to make me feel bad when I go THERE. Secondly, any planning that my husband and I have talked about and I've made the mistake of sharing with her has resulted in only criticism from her or a STRONG attempt to make us change ideas and then an explosion of anger when we don't. These conversations go like this: "So, Jeti and I were thinking about doing that soon." Mother: "WHy do you want to do that?! YOu should do this instead." Me: "Nah, we're going to do the other thing." Mother: "But what I suggested is much better." Me: "Well, we want to do the other." Mother: "FINE!! DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!! ::RAGE::" Me: "Uhh..."

Likewise, she tries to sabotage any kind of relationship I have with my in-laws (my husband's aunt, not his parents, who are overseas). His aunt is extremely nice and bought me all these shirts and clothes as a wedding gift. Granted, some of it I wouldn't have chose for myself, but she's extremely generous and she's told his parents wonderful things about me too When I told my mother about this, she made fun of the gifts and made me feel ridiculous for thinking his aunt did something nice. Also, she got mad the last time we went to visit his relatives. I have no idea why.

Recently, she attended a wedding of a cousin of mine. They had a traditional Italian-American crazy circus wedding and, although I didn't attend, I imagine it must have been beautiful. If anyone read about my wedding 10 days ago... well... it was performed in a criminal court and was "fugly" to say the least. It has always been our intention to have a second wedding with religious services and a big party because, really, that courthouse wedding was pretty sad. But after seeing this wedding this weekend, she insists that I absolutely have to have the WORLDS BIGGEST WEDDING (!!!!!!!!!!) and the WORLDS BIGGEST ENGAGEMENT PARTY (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). In order to have this, however, I need to have the WORLD'S BEST DIAMOND (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) My husband has bought me jewelry, but just not a diamond ring. He bought me what he could afford and I'm happy with what I have. But she keeps harping on this DIAMOND RING I need to have, accusing me of zillions of things for not attacking my husband and forcing him to spend his every penny on a diamond. Her e-mails today actually made me cry because she said "Don't feel bad if you can't get any of the things you want (i.e. a diamond ring) because you're the one who chose this life (i.e. chose to marry my husband)." *I* told her that I'm only unhappy because SHE is making me feel that way. I told my husband and now HE feels awful a) that she thinks this way and b ) that he can't afford right now to buy me what she considers so essential.

Honestly, I have NO IDEA what to do. We can't move out and get our own place. As others of you can attest, apartments in NYC aren't cheap and I'm swamped with student loans. Also, I know she's acting this way because she wants what's best for me, which is why I have to handle this delicately because I don't want to absolutely ruin everything between myself and my mother.

Does anyone have any advice? I wouldn't normally post something so personal, but I have NO idea and my husband has NO idea.

Ps- I couldn't be happier with my husband; I love him like crazy, but my mother's creating all this stress in the house and I'm at a loss. Has anyone else experiences anything like this?

Edited September 6, 2006 by Karen_L

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Lots of mothers are like that. Move out.

[desert_fox 32]

bye bye mommy.....

You are an adult......act like one....MOVE OUT!!!!

[cheeky^Wolf 0]

Hi Karen,

Sorry to hear of the problems you are having. All I can suggest is trying to sit down with your mother and tell her what you have told us. If you feel you can't do it face to face, how about writing it down - or printing out what you typed here. As you said, she probably only wants what is best for you and maybe she doesn't realise how much she is hurting you.

It could also be jealousy. You say you have always been close, more like friends. Now her friend has a new priority and maybe she feels pushed out. She could also feel you are getting too close to your husbands family and she will be forgotten.

I don't understand how she can stop you going out. Is it that she makes you feel guilty when you do? If so, I would say let the guilt trip ride - she'll get over it. Why should you not go out because she doesn't want you to?

I had a mother in law who was jealous of me taking her little boy away from her and made my married life absolute hell filled with guilt trips. She took a dislike to me because her husband and son had always bowed down to her demands and I refused to. She wanted to (in her words) be the mother I'd never had. I've always had an excellent relationship with my parents and refused to have this woman try to replace the two most important people in my life.

Perhaps you could diplomatically challenge her on issues. Let her rage, but stick to your guns.

Good luck.

Helen

Gupt & Desert Fox - the OP said she can't afford to move out!

Edited September 6, 2006 by cheeky^Wolf

[*Robert* 2]

Time to leave the nest. Good luck!

[Alex+R 0]

Karen--- I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through that. I have been dealing with a little bit of mom-alienation with this whole K1 thing myself.

Maybe when your husband is fluent in English (or getting there) she will be able to feel more connected to him, and I'm sure this situation WILL improve with time. In the meantime, if you guys save up, I'll bet you could move out. Have you thought about maybe living with another couple? I dunno. This just sounds really toxic.

I don't have any *real* advice, but I'm hoping everything works out for you soon.

[rebeccajo 14]

Yeah. Time to move out. Yes you can.

[JenT 0]

Yeah. Time to move out. Yes you can.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

I grew up in NYC. Had many friends from Italian families. I KNOW. It's all about control and she will ALWAYS try to exert it, whether you live there or not. But you can minimize the damage that results.

It's only a matter of time before this infringes on your marriage. What's more important? Only you can decide.

Jen

Edited September 6, 2006 by JenT

[LifenLaLaland 0]

We lived with my in-laws for almost a year when I first arrived. It almost destroyed us

I understand that guilt thing. Every time we spent a nickel during that year it was judged by my MIL. At one point when hubby and I had a very serious spat, for all the right reasons, I ended up packing some of my belongings and going to a hotel for a week. This was in an effort to not have them witness one of the worst moments that we have had together. As a result, not only was she not accepting of how we chose to handle the situation, she called me at the hotel and had me in tears. (and then said after the fact, 'Wow I was so mean to you and you didn't say anything nasty back')I deserved a medal for that!!

Suffice to say, now that we have moved into our home I'd prefer to have nothing to do with her ever again.

Karen if you possibly can find a way...move out. Or at the very least set some sort of timeline so that you can focus on that.

Good luck!!

Julie

[jo&john 1]

Karen, if I were you, we will leave my mother's house and find a place of our own. Staying with her will create more problems and will be very stressful most especially that you see and interact with her everyday of your life. And from your story, the interactions are almost always negative. You need to make the first step ... yes, by moving out before there would be no more room left for respect. There are things we say or do in anger that we regret later but we cannot do anything about it because it was done. When you leave your mother's house, it doesn't mean you love your mother less but both of you and your mother need your own space; she will realize by the time you leave. But do visit her. It is difficult to start a life as a couple with so many loans. But don't let this hinder you from moving forward. This is your challenge. You and your husband will be able to manage your finances. You are partners. I always believe that if there is a will, there is a way. Being together facing life's peaks and valleys and doing joint responsible decisions will help you grow more as a couple. Good luck and God bless to both of you!

Jo

[chri'stina 190]

If you cannot move out(which I understand because we went through not being able to afford it right away), then avoid telling your mother your plans. Just plan them. I know it's easier said than done but you have to take a stand for what you want to do. She must love you a lot and doesn't seem to want to lose you out of her life or feel insignificant in yours. She seems like she wants you to still be very close with her and not find a new favorite relative in your hubby's family. I am sure you can "speak the truth in love" to her. I hope things get better! I don't know why some parents act the way they do about diamonds and materialistic things. It seems to be all about keeping up with the "Joneses". I say forget the "Joneses" and just be happy.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

I say forget the "Joneses" and just be happy.

Who are the Joneses, anyway? My neighbors are Alvarez, Patel, Patel, Patel and Chan.

[chri'stina 190]

I say forget the "Joneses" and just be happy.

Who are the Joneses, anyway? My neighbors are Alvarez, Patel, Patel, Patel and Chan.

Three Patels

In India, would it be keeping up with the Patels?

[belize 0]

We are around the same age....my husband is from a poor country (belize)....and let me tell you, we've had all the "you chose this life for yourself" ####### and a whole lot WORSE where that came from.

Stop putting energy toward thinking about yo mama's drama...instead, start thinking about how to get better jobs for you and your husband (one's that pay more) and get out as soon as possible....the sooner you get out, the less of an impact this will have on your marriage (and a lot of that impact may not even be visible to you at this point).

When my husband gets here, we will have to live with my parents for at LEAST a month (i just got wrongfully terminated from my full-time job), but you can bet I am working anyway every single day at all hours of the day/night so we won't have to live at home for very long.

Her baby has gotten married--of course your mother wants to exert as much control as possible!

Now, as far as the diamond ring #######...there are certain things you don't say to husbands, especially men from machismo areas and/or who grew up poor. Never tell him that your mom says such aweful things as "you chose this life" and "Don't feel bad if you can't get any of the things you want"....that kind of stuff hurts more than ANYTHING to a man and it is probably killing him to live in an environment where someone in the house is thinking that way (whether he is telling you or not, trust me, it is affecting me)...my husband went through a whooooole guilt thing about not being able to provide the lifestyle for me that my parents have, and it was tragic.

My last comment is #### DIAMONDS....blood diamonds, i should say....many diamonds are mined under TOTALLY murderous, unethical conditions (unless you have a diamond made in a lab or can find an ethical company)... I HAVE A BIG-### CUBIC ZIRCONIA AND I'M PROOOOUUUUUD OF IT....it looks beautiful, it's what we could afford, and the symbolism of a ring matters more than this over-hyped "diamonds are forever" commercial campaign to con you into buying diamonds...

Good luck with everything...we're still so young...in our parents eyes we are BARELY adults...seriously..

[Kathryn41 3,205]

There comes a time in every daughter's life where she has to disappoint her mother by choosing to make a different choice than her mother wants her to It is actually part of the process of growing up. Your mother has been in charge of you and your decisions up until now, but now you have another priority - and you are choosing to become a separate adult and individual. While she will always be your parent, you have to stop being the child. It is hard for both of you. Part of it will mean not telling her your plans. She still believes she has the right to expect you to do what she wants. She doesn't. Try to view her as if she were a neighbour telling you these things rather than your mother. THank her for her concern and her interest and then say, we are going to do so and so. I am sorry if you don't agree, but this isn't your choice or dfecision to make. If it proves to be the wrong one, well we are prepared to accept the consequences and will deal with it. I don't want to get into a discussion or an argument about this so please understand this is what we are doing and the matter is not open for discussion. You will have to accept that she will try to argue, pout, get mad and possibly even ugly. She is trying to guilt you back into being the little girl over whom she had control. Ideally, you should move out into your own place because it is a lot easier to establish the proper boundaries when you have your own space. That is what you are going to have to do though, remind her of the emotional boundaries and that she doesn't have the right to step over them into your life. It is said that a parent has two responsibilities - to give their child roots and to give them wings. Giving them wings is by far the harder of the two. Good luck.

Edited September 6, 2006 by Kathryn41