Married 9 months (not going well) what do I do?

[HannahP 119]

Oh, please. The man has gone thru so much hell, and now you want to be self-righteous about it?

He is going to "send her back" to her home country. She burnt him, and now he has to look out for himself.

Maybe you would change your mind if it happened to you. We hope it does not.

Shouldn't he have been looking out for himself to begin with, especially since his SO is from a high-fraud country? Seems like the writing was on the wall looooong before she even got here. /Now/ he's scrambling to save himself?

On the flip side, doesn't sound like this woman has the ability (either financially or language/knowledge-wise) to lift conditions on her own.

[Justine+David 218]

Oh, please. The man has gone thru so much hell, and now you want to be self-righteous about it?

He is going to "send her back" to her home country. She burnt him, and now he has to look out for himself.

Maybe you would change your mind if it happened to you. We hope it does not.

I'm for following the law...aren't you? He cannot FORCE her to get on a plane. It's ILLEGAL.

All he can do is report her to ICE and hope for the best. Yes, he can manipulate her into going back on her own accord. And maybe she deserves that. But if she does any basic searching, she can learn all of this on her own. I was informing the OP of the legalities. You would do well not to advise otherwise, lest you give misinformation that could have him slapped with a police charge for trying to forcibly make her get on a plane.

Then he'd really be effed. VAWA and all

It's a sad situation, of course.

That's why any anonymous reader stumbling upon this thread should be absolutely sure about their significant other and honestly look at any red flags before petitioning. I saw my fiance 12 times during a 15 month period during our courtship/engagement and we e-mailed each other pages everyday. This is after having been close friends for more than a year. I never doubted his integrity and he never mine. Yes, we had arguments like any normal couple, but no red flags throughout the relationship.

[Alex~Alan 8]

There is so much I could comment on here, but much has been said already. What I would like to address is her "cheating" that has been described. While she may have never actually cheated on you, cheating is just as much an emotional state as well as a physical act. The same can be said of marriage...it is as much an emotional bond and commitment that two people make to one another as it is a physical act of getting married. So, as far as I see it, your wife has been cheating on you all along...especially if she has been searching for other pastures. Whether she has found one or not is irreverent. This is my opinion, anyway.

The other thing I want to comment on is your statement of her going back to hell. First off, you did not marry her to save her from hell, right? So, if she has to go back there if you break up, then how can you feel guilty. This had nothing to do with why you married her, so it should have nothing to do with your decision to divorce if that is what you should decide.

Lastly, we should all be looking for red flags, inconsistencies in our communications with our partners. It is terrible to think like this when you are in love, but we must protect ourselves emotionally from potentially fraudulent individuals, as it is not an uncommon story.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.

[TBoneTX 43,399]

I agree with the posters above who believe that she CAN and SHOULD be gotten onto a plane and sent home. She can easily be kept off-balance. Her English-language skills and seeming lack of awareness of "the system" should keep her from being able to respond in timely fashion to a "surprise" like that. And, I agree that she most likely lacks the financial wherewithal to return to the U.S. independently.

An attorney told me that a prenuptial agreement doesn't free you from your I-864 obligations, which is another reason to remove her from the U.S.

After she's gone and you've divorced her, you'll probably feel as though a great weight is off your shoulders. Your next steps will be to develop your radar regarding red flags and to make a quality decision: Enter into (or continue) NO relationship if everything is positive except for ANY ONE aspect or issue that causes you to compromise yourself or your principles beyond your comfort level.

Please keep us apprised.

[SuperDuper! 230]

I'm for following the law...aren't you? He cannot FORCE her to get on a plane. It's ILLEGAL.

All he can do is report her to ICE and hope for the best. Yes, he can manipulate her into going back on her own accord. And maybe she deserves that. But if she does any basic searching, she can learn all of this on her own. I was informing the OP of the legalities. You would do well not to advise otherwise, lest you give misinformation that could have him slapped with a police charge for trying to forcibly make her get on a plane.

Then he'd really be effed. VAWA and all

It's a sad situation, of course.

That's why any anonymous reader stumbling upon this thread should be absolutely sure about their significant other and honestly look at any red flags before petitioning. I saw my fiance 12 times during a 15 month period during our courtship/engagement and we e-mailed each other pages everyday. This is after having been close friends for more than a year. I never doubted his integrity and he never mine. Yes, we had arguments like any normal couple, but no red flags throughout the relationship.

No one said anything about "forcing" her to leave. Your drama here really isn't substantiated. Sending a dishonest spouse back home merely involves paying for the rightly deserved one-way ticket. Pffft.

[HYENA 4]

Regarding being financially on the hook; I don't want that.

Her neighbors have a history of ridiculing them right out in the street taunting them calling them losers (and it will get worse upon her return). Ego is king in Thailand and it's the least desirable trait in my culture. I believe she loved what I did (or would love anyone who got her out of her situation) but I do not believe she loves me for me. I got a proposal from a married woman in front of her husband (she wasn't kidding) to get her out and marry her; it is hell over there. Unfortunately she's discriminated against in her own country (I've seen it and it reminded me of stories in the USA in the 1920's). That part I feel sad about and that part is what had me clinging to the hope that maybe a change of environment could enable her to bloom into the person she was meant to be.

Her opportunities are slim, as education was not an option due to economics and fragmented family when she was young (not to mention politics where the elite say these darkies shouldn't have the right to own land or businesses for being so stupid). On top of that, I don't believe she had any affection while young so has no idea how to handle it, doesn't like it and likely was brought up more street smart forgetting that if a genuine soul came around who cared about her, she's programmed to get what she can and disbelieve or disregard affection. It's time to stop worrying about ego, status and saving face and start trying to be happy. Everything she wants has to do with status (white baby, house bigger than neighbors who taunt her family, etc). It's a horrible cycle and it makes that culture very undesirable. I had to paddlock my suitcase visiting her family; they steal from each other and happiness (true happiness) seems far away from her village.

So she's here not sleeping on a wood floor with a garden the neighbors didn't rob clean (you can't grow food in her village), all the food, hot water, air conditioning, wash machine and a flushable toilet. I don't blame her not wanting to leave. I just don't understand how someone could blow it. She knows Mr Scotland doesn't want her.

My dogs eat better than her entire family, so it's not easy. This is why I've been having difficulty because on one hand is it fair? What's the right thing to do? As far as she knows, I've got a ticket Aug 30. She's been crying day and night; sobbing constantly.

She hugged me on my way out to work, told me she loves me so much. I reminded her she doesn't like affection and hadn't said she loved me in 6 months.

[Utha 10]

Regarding being financially on the hook; I don't want that.

Her neighbors have a history of ridiculing them right out in the street taunting them calling them losers (and it will get worse upon her return). Ego is king in Thailand and it's the least desirable trait in my culture. I believe she loved what I did (or would love anyone who got her out of her situation) but I do not believe she loves me for me. I got a proposal from a married woman in front of her husband (she wasn't kidding) to get her out and marry her; it is hell over there. Unfortunately she's discriminated against in her own country (I've seen it and it reminded me of stories in the USA in the 1920's). That part I feel sad about and that part is what had me clinging to the hope that maybe a change of environment could enable her to bloom into the person she was meant to be.

Her opportunities are slim, as education was not an option due to economics and fragmented family when she was young (not to mention politics where the elite say these darkies shouldn't have the right to own land or businesses for being so stupid). On top of that, I don't believe she had any affection while young so has no idea how to handle it, doesn't like it and likely was brought up more street smart forgetting that if a genuine soul came around who cared about her, she's programmed to get what she can and disbelieve or disregard affection. It's time to stop worrying about ego, status and saving face and start trying to be happy. Everything she wants has to do with status (white baby, house bigger than neighbors who taunt her family, etc). It's a horrible cycle and it makes that culture very undesirable. I had to paddlock my suitcase visiting her family; they steal from each other and happiness (true happiness) seems far away from her village.

So she's here not sleeping on a wood floor with a garden the neighbors didn't rob clean (you can't grow food in her village), all the food, hot water, air conditioning, wash machine and a flushable toilet. I don't blame her not wanting to leave. I just don't understand how someone could blow it. She knows Mr Scotland doesn't want her.

My dogs eat better than her entire family, so it's not easy. This is why I've been having difficulty because on one hand is it fair? What's the right thing to do? As far as she knows, I've got a ticket Aug 30. She's been crying day and night; sobbing constantly.

She hugged me on my way out to work, told me she loves me so much. I reminded her she doesn't like affection and hadn't said she loved me in 6 months.

How old is she?. How could she can't appreciate this good life that you offer?. Doesn't she wanna have a good and peace life in her old life?. Not easy to find someone who really loves and cares about us. I dont know exactly her condition, but i have been through a hard life, so that i am so thankful when i found a man who doesn't mind to come across thousand of miles just to see me, spending much time, money, and energy to get together. I appreciate his sacrifices since i know that it is not easy to get the money, it is not easy to find a spare time for flying here, and it takes much energy to get everything especially this K1 process.

Hope everybody could appreciate about our life by doing something good. You have tried yourbest to love and care about her. Now, the last decision maker is God. Hope it becomes a lesson for you, for us, for everybody. Thank you for sharing your story. You might get hurt, but it must be happend for a reason. Sooner or late you would thankful for what you have in life including this suffer.

BE STRONG.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

She hugged me on my way out to work, told me she loves me so much. I reminded her she doesn't like affection and hadn't said she loved me in 6 months.

This whole situation reminds of a saying: "You can take the girl out of the street but you can't take the street out of the girl".

You can love her until the end of time but if she is incapable (which is different from unwilling) of loving you back then what can you do? Nobody is perfect, we all have to live with our raising & our past but there are those who choose to rise above it and those who choose to wallow in it. This isn't your choice to make for her, she must do it on her own.

[Fandango 1,439]

Already said, but bears repeating:

I'm tired of this opportunistic BS and am prepared to send her back. She's got her 2 year GC but I don't want to be responsible for her for 40 quarters (10 years) so sending her back then divorcing seems the cleanest way to get her out

You signed the I184, you cannot 'revoke' it just because 'sending her back' would be easier. I'm sorry for your troubles, but she's not a defective blender you can simply return.

My wish is that more petitioners understood the responsibility and gravity of signing that document, as well as bringing a dependent immigrant over for marriage.

[Nibake 4]

Hmm. Most of the posters have contradicted my points, although none has actually argued against them.

Remember that, as some have said, you cannot change her. You can encourage her to change, and she can change, with a lot of arduous work. She may or may not change. What's it to you? Did you marry her considering her like a dog? Of course not. You didn't sign a contract with her, you made a commitment to her. What I love about Americans is that (most of the time) they consider there words and there commitments and hold fast to them even though it hurts. I miss that so much about the US and believe that such honesty and dedication is what made America the great nation that it has become. Let's hope things don't go farther in the other direction than they already have. I am going against the grain of what almost everyone else has said here, but: Be a man. Honor your commitment.

You know that a lot of the posts here are dense. How could your wife be an expert in fraud but at the same time be conned into getting on a plan and dumbed in Thailand? Maybe there are some things that you haven't revealed, maybe not, but you are her husband and if you are as honest and objective as possible, I'm sure you can judge her sincerity better than anyone else in this discussion.

Were you happy about signin the I-864 when you were engaged? I'm sure you were. Perhaps I'm going to far by saying this, but isn't it possible that at some point the signers of the declaration of independence which they hadn't signed? Thankfully they decided to stick it out.

Look for a Biblical church near you and see how you can change and how your wife can too.

[Fandango 1,439]

Hmm. Most of the posters have contradicted my points, although none has actually argued against them.

Remember that, as some have said, you cannot change her. You can encourage her to change, and she can change, with a lot of arduous work. She may or may not change. What's it to you? Did you marry her considering her like a dog? Of course not. You didn't sign a contract with her, you made a commitment to her. What I love about Americans is that (most of the time) they consider there words and there commitments and hold fast to them even though it hurts. I miss that so much about the US and believe that such honesty and dedication is what made America the great nation that it has become. Let's hope things don't go farther in the other direction than they already have. I am going against the grain of what almost everyone else has said here, but: Be a man. Honor your commitment.

You know that a lot of the posts here are dense. How could your wife be an expert in fraud but at the same time be conned into getting on a plan and dumbed in Thailand? Maybe there are some things that you haven't revealed, maybe not, but you are her husband and if you are as honest and objective as possible, I'm sure you can judge her sincerity better than anyone else in this discussion.

Were you happy about signin the I-864 when you were engaged? I'm sure you were. Perhaps I'm going to far by saying this, but isn't it possible that at some point the signers of the declaration of independence which they hadn't signed? Thankfully they decided to stick it out.

Look for a Biblical church near you and see how you can change and how your wife can too.

I didn't contradict your 'points' cos your post was too long and I didn't read it.

[Justine+David 218]

No one said anything about "forcing" her to leave. Your drama here really isn't substantiated. Sending a dishonest spouse back home merely involves paying for the rightly deserved one-way ticket. Pffft.

Anyway...

[GnE Walker 2]

Any desicion you take, when it finish clean you mind... heart and still your body of all bad situation, for time up can`t hurt to yourself and maybe too you dont hurt next relationship or even if continue with it. For you say here you was good man and some time God give bad days for can find peace and ligh in soul.

Next time look her Family ...her friends..herself really honestly....ask on what she does any case or situation...can take time short but you can see honestly...what type job does ??? and check.

Forget is difficult but easy if you can remember every bad situation that you get with it and more important alway your kids and you can out of it.

[Ning 619]

Regarding being financially on the hook; I don't want that.

Her neighbors have a history of ridiculing them right out in the street taunting them calling them losers (and it will get worse upon her return). Ego is king in Thailand and it's the least desirable trait in my culture. I believe she loved what I did (or would love anyone who got her out of her situation) but I do not believe she loves me for me. I got a proposal from a married woman in front of her husband (she wasn't kidding) to get her out and marry her; it is hell over there. Unfortunately she's discriminated against in her own country (I've seen it and it reminded me of stories in the USA in the 1920's). That part I feel sad about and that part is what had me clinging to the hope that maybe a change of environment could enable her to bloom into the person she was meant to be.

Her opportunities are slim, as education was not an option due to economics and fragmented family when she was young (not to mention politics where the elite say these darkies shouldn't have the right to own land or businesses for being so stupid). On top of that, I don't believe she had any affection while young so has no idea how to handle it, doesn't like it and likely was brought up more street smart forgetting that if a genuine soul came around who cared about her, she's programmed to get what she can and disbelieve or disregard affection. It's time to stop worrying about ego, status and saving face and start trying to be happy. Everything she wants has to do with status (white baby, house bigger than neighbors who taunt her family, etc). It's a horrible cycle and it makes that culture very undesirable. I had to paddlock my suitcase visiting her family; they steal from each other and happiness (true happiness) seems far away from her village.

So she's here not sleeping on a wood floor with a garden the neighbors didn't rob clean (you can't grow food in her village), all the food, hot water, air conditioning, wash machine and a flushable toilet. I don't blame her not wanting to leave. I just don't understand how someone could blow it. She knows Mr Scotland doesn't want her.

My dogs eat better than her entire family, so it's not easy. This is why I've been having difficulty because on one hand is it fair? What's the right thing to do? As far as she knows, I've got a ticket Aug 30. She's been crying day and night; sobbing constantly.

She hugged me on my way out to work, told me she loves me so much. I reminded her she doesn't like affection and hadn't said she loved me in 6 months.

Now you do get the stupid award. You just dont know when to quit.

You married her out of sympathy not love. You feel nothing but sorrow. You have a dim view of Thailand & its people. " These darkies" ? Did you think you could lead her out of that terrible country where she lived all her life & show her the promised land. Moses in America. Bloom? Only to die when reality sank in & she realised you are a racist amongst other things.

You expected a different place to sleep & eat would turn her into what your view of a good wife should be? Of course she doesnt want to leave the USA as long as she doesnt have to deal with you other than support. Who blew it? You or was it her. You went out to save the savages from themselves. You signed up for the event. She didnt come to the USA looking for you.

You mean that you were suprised to learn of the culture in Thailand. The poverty? The 4,000 year history of the country escaped you?

Fair? It isnt a baseball game. What to do? Simple. Cut her loose & let her find her own way just as she was doing when you decided to ignore the facts & intervien.

Loves you so much? Sure when she thinks the free ride is over. What did you expect her to do? You will be lucky if she gets on that plane.

[thongd4me 69]

Now you do get the stupid award. You just dont know when to quit.

You married her out of sympathy not love. You feel nothing but sorrow. You have a dim view of Thailand & its people. " These darkies" ? Did you think you could lead her out of that terrible country where she lived all her life & show her the promised land. Moses in America. Bloom? Only to die when reality sank in & she realised you are a racist amongst other things.

You expected a different place to sleep & eat would turn her into what your view of a good wife should be? Of course she doesnt want to leave the USA as long as she doesnt have to deal with you other than support. Who blew it? You or was it her. You went out to save the savages from themselves. You signed up for the event. She didnt come to the USA looking for you.

You mean that you were suprised to learn of the culture in Thailand. The poverty? The 4,000 year history of the country escaped you?

Fair? It isnt a baseball game. What to do? Simple. Cut her loose & let her find her own way just as she was doing when you decided to ignore the facts & intervien.

Loves you so much? Sure when she thinks the free ride is over. What did you expect her to do? You will be lucky if she gets on that plane.