is it normal that my In laws have never been in touch with me?

[CATHYlovesRICK 2]

Hello everybody.

I want to share something that makes me a little worried. I dont know if somebody is in the same situation.

I know my husband for 6 years, we are married 2.5 years. Our marriage goes well. The thing that makes me worried is that His family seems not to care about getting in touch with me. I have never talked to them, nobody from his side came to our wedding, and things like that. I have get in touch thru e mail to some young nephews that got curious about me but thats all.

I try to be very polite to them, I send gifts for them with my husband, e cards for christmas, mother´s day, birthdays. etc. But i have never ever got a "Thanks" reply or a simple e mail from his parents or siblins. I ask my husband about it and he comes with things like They are shy to write me back because of their spelling being not that good, or they are not familiar with computers or they are too busy and only says Thanks thru my husband.

When he is with me and call his family sometimes they will says HI thru my husband but never ask to talk with me on the phone not even on our wedding day!

So what do you think? Is it normal? do they hate me? am I not good enough for them? Prejudice??

My husband always says how his family cant wait to meet me. I think: Come on! really? if they never bother to get in touch with me or know me.

I am a very well educated person, got degrees, speak some languages. I know they can feel kinda intimidated for this but still, my husband is not. So why his family acts that way?

I feel afraid to move there even more knowing how they react with me. I try not give it too much importance because i dont want to make my husband worried or knowing him he might get mad at his family and i dont want that.

So what can i do? What should i expect when i move there?

I wish it will all change when they meet you!when i met my fiance in person way back in january 2008 on his vacation here in the philippines,i never thought he would come back june just to proposed to me...His mom even ask/beg me to not accept it for its only a while that we know each other..She is so vocal in saying she doesn't like a pilipina for him and she wants a latina.She even say this things to him just to convinced him not to proposed to me, My future Mother in law said.. Are you sure she is not a visa hunter???How can you say she is the right women when you only knew her for months and only talking online?with that face of her she can get a much younger and rich american guy... :bonk: and so many other things that is so foul in my part and ouch,,really hurts my ego!Even until the day we already are engaged she keeps on convincing my fiance that i am not the right woman,The most painful part is when we had our child they told him to get DNA test to make sure the baby is his own..That statement of her mom pisses me off,and i told my fiance things i am never used in saying like "I don't give a ###### with any of your mom's comments or issues about me"But you know what melts my heart we are in a 3 way line when my fiance told his mom that me and his daughter are the most important in his life now and if she can't accept us and she can't respect me then there is no way they are welcome in our wedding and our house once i arrived there in US.(glad they live far away from my fiance)But things change as she starts to know me little by little even she can't totally accept me still she says things like I am so surprised how catherine is so smart and wise,how she was able to find a site just by internet and now your daughter is a dual citizen..I think she will be smarter than you as years passed by... she said that to my fiance!!!Just like what other's said you will not marry the whole family only him,if you think you did your part and they still can't accept you,its their problem anymore!

I am not even as educated as you maybe but my fiance always tell me and makes me feel that I am the BEST, mother to our child and wife to him!I think in the end that's all that matter's!Don't worry too much about his family!Once they see how GOOD you are there is no way they will not embrace you if they have a heart

[Rob and Jill 82]

Yeah, once i move if they keep that attitude , i think i will tell my husband to move to another city. I dont want to make him be apart from his family but if they dont treat me nice i will do that.

You are giving ultimatiums to your husband without ever having met his family. I'm sorry, you don't "tell" your spouse to move away from his family because they might or might not act rudely to you. Marriage is a compromise and if his family are jerks you can chose not to be around them. You're getting all bent out of shape because of the "idea" that they don't like you, and putting your foot down abotu things that haven't happened yet.

I think EVERY parent out there has a RIGHT to be concerned about any of us marrying someone from another country, particularly those of us who met online. Perhaps they just don't understand what is going on, maybe they think your English is not so great, maybe they have a hard time understanding accents, and just MAYBE the things your husband told you is true and they don't use the internet etc, maybe they are shy and have a hard time just picking up the phone and talking to a stranger.

You should take a deep breath and rethink how defensive you're acting. They'll like you or they won't, but getting mad about it now is not the way to handle it. Furthermore, if it bothers you THIS much ask for their addresses and write them a letter. See what happens.

[Ryan_and_Priscy 16]

I am Latinamerican too with a very diversified cultural background, and been before in many countries it has shown to me some of the very interesting cultural behavior of some people, relatives, friends, and coworkers.

My personal experience: When I met my husband, our second date he brought me to his parents' house to meet them. We got along easier than I thought. Still some friends told me that just for a second date and meet the parents of the guy you are dating is not really normal in US... I don't know if that was fine, but still was a good experience and I had a good time. My husband has more siblings, so eventually I have met some of them. For Christmas last year Mom, my husband and I went to visit the family from mom's side, there were cousins, aunts, uncles. I can say they all were nice, though not at all of them say hi to me. But the closest ones even gave us presents and could have some chat about marriage and life... I knew before that grandma had told mom already that she wanted to meet me, yet she had some worries about us because we are from different cultures, and probably we were too young... I think those worries disappeared, she is the sweetest grandma I ever have. But, I told to my husband one thing I found weird.... for example, I was thinking, should I have to go and greet everybody or wait until they come to say hi? Well, my husband introduced me to some of them, others just looked me at a distance, talked to my husband but not to me. I was the one who had to say HI. Well, I am using my education and being polite with unknown people... that's what my family culture has taught to me to be polite! Anyway, I have decided I am not living upon what they might think about me (I found out later some of them said that I was another Latin woman marrying an American just because of the papers... I just can laugh!). Now I keep in contact with some of them, specially with a cousin, she is so nice, and she even got my email to write me and send cards for every occasion. I think that is very nice of her. Even she wants to learn my language...

Now, this is what happened to a friend. She is from Brazil and was living in Costa Rica when she met online her future husband. So she came and they married. Only very few people were at the wedding and the environment wasn't friendly at all. The rest of the family did not even call to say "Congratulations". One of the aunts said that she was not gonna meet the black woman that her nephew has married (my friend is not black at all, just dark skin). My friend said that for about 4 years it was difficult to have a conversation with her in-laws. Sometimes the mother would call the son, if my friend would answer she wanted to talk to her, but the mother was very sharp. It took time to get eventually communicative to each other. Now my friend has a baby, the family is talking more to her. Still the other aunt doesn't want to talk. As my friend say: you come to a new place where you are a foreigner and stranger. People react in different ways, sometimes they are ignorant, sometimes stupid, or sometimes just because they don't know how to deal with the foreigner in the family. But not all of them, she said the family she has made so far are her friends, American people that have open their hearts to make a friendship tie with her and her husband.

I agree with her, that our family is composed by the friends we make so far, and that's what my husband says too. So for us, the foreigner, let's be ourselves, always remembering that where we come from we are so rich in culture, life, as well the country we come to also is rich in culture and life.

Edited April 20, 2010 by Ryan_and_Priscy

[DanielParul 50]

Daniel's grandpa (he is the only family he has) never talked to me before I came here. The first time I met him though at their house, he seemed to relax and talked a lot with me. He had never had much interaction with an Indian before so he did not know how to start a conversation. We came home and he called us and told me to not call him by name but to call him grandpa. That was really sweet. Since then he calls us a lot more that he ever called D. He loves me and will even complain about Daniel to me. I get all the long stories, conversations, invitations, advices too. Why I am telling you this is because maybe they have not met you yet and are a little apprehensive. Don't sweat it too much. Once you are here, it might change. Although, I would suggest talking to your husband about it and finding out if its only apprehension about talking or are they not happy about your marriage. Prepare yourself accordingly. Get your husband to understand how you feel and that you want to have good relations with your inlaws but if it does not happen then he needs to be by your side and support you. Good Luck!

[Gemmie 142]

I have a similar situation. My brother is engaged to his girlfriend but she never seems to want contact with me. I call my brother every week but she never asks to talk to me, which makes it awkward for me to ask to speak with her. The few times I have spoken to her, everything seems fine. She seems happy, tells me personal things, etc. I send her gifts for her birthday and Christmas every year yet have never received anything from her. In fact I don't even get a 'thanks' other than a passed message through my brother. I even wrote in a birthday card that she should call me whenever she's not busy, and she told me she would call me on a certain day, and then I never heard from her. Whenever I text her to say congratulations/happy mothers day/whatever, I don't get a reply.

She's going to be an official part of the family when they marry. It bothers me that someone in the family is so evasive with me. I'm sure I've done nothing wrong (we've had a problem in the past but it was sorted a long time ago). The way I see it, I've made the effort to make contact with her. If she doesn't want to respond, even out of politeness, then there's nothing I can do about it. If I'm ever asked why I'm 'neglecting' her (as has happened in the past) I'm simply going to say as much. I know she has a few issues herself (she's just turned 21 but doesn't have any friends, doesn't go anywhere other than her mothers house, has never worked for longer than a couple of weeks... she also has a history of anxiety disorders). Having said that, there's only so much reaching out I'm willing to do.

Ask yourself if you've done everything you can to establish communication, and if so, don't feel bad. Sometimes people have their own reasons for their actions, and it doesn't have anything to do with you.

[britbird 4]

I think you'll just have to hope for the best on this one - families are strange beasts. Is your husband even close with his family? do they hang out a lot? If they don't then it makes more sense that they wouldn't be so into reaching out to you. They might be really shy.

Careful what you wish for though - some in laws get in contact waaaayyyy too often (not naming names here ) lol!

Distance doesn't seem to make much difference in this regard - my sister has been with the same guy for nearly a decade, his parents live about 20 minutes from my parents, and yet the two parental groups have never met or spoke on the phone. There's no cultural or language barrier - people just take varying degrees of interest in their kids futures I guess.

[DanielParul 50]

You are giving ultimatiums to your husband without ever having met his family. I'm sorry, you don't "tell" your spouse to move away from his family because they might or might not act rudely to you. Marriage is a compromise and if his family are jerks you can chose not to be around them. You're getting all bent out of shape because of the "idea" that they don't like you, and putting your foot down abotu things that haven't happened yet.

I think EVERY parent out there has a RIGHT to be concerned about any of us marrying someone from another country, particularly those of us who met online. Perhaps they just don't understand what is going on, maybe they think your English is not so great, maybe they have a hard time understanding accents, and just MAYBE the things your husband told you is true and they don't use the internet etc, maybe they are shy and have a hard time just picking up the phone and talking to a stranger.

You should take a deep breath and rethink how defensive you're acting. They'll like you or they won't, but getting mad about it now is not the way to handle it. Furthermore, if it bothers you THIS much ask for their addresses and write them a letter. See what happens.

Do not nag or give ultimatums. You can decide what kind of relationship you want with them. You have absolutely no right to decide what kind of relationship your husband has with his parents. If you are doing this then you are already starting on a bad note.

[foreigner 0]

You are giving ultimatiums to your husband without ever having met his family. I'm sorry, you don't "tell" your spouse to move away from his family because they might or might not act rudely to you. Marriage is a compromise and if his family are jerks you can chose not to be around them. You're getting all bent out of shape because of the "idea" that they don't like you, and putting your foot down abotu things that haven't happened yet.

I think EVERY parent out there has a RIGHT to be concerned about any of us marrying someone from another country, particularly those of us who met online. Perhaps they just don't understand what is going on, maybe they think your English is not so great, maybe they have a hard time understanding accents, and just MAYBE the things your husband told you is true and they don't use the internet etc, maybe they are shy and have a hard time just picking up the phone and talking to a stranger.

You should take a deep breath and rethink how defensive you're acting. They'll like you or they won't, but getting mad about it now is not the way to handle it. Furthermore, if it bothers you THIS much ask for their addresses and write them a letter. See what happens.

Thank you for the advice, but dont give me wrong, I have never told about this worries to my hubby or threaten him in any way. I love him and want him to be happy. I was just thinking out loud about when i move there and if they treat me pretty bad or act unfair with me I probably would not be able to stand it and will think of moving out of the city. I know my hubby will support me. We even have talk about moving to a bigger city because we have a business we want to develop when i move there, so that would be a very good reason to.

[sachinky 464]

Meh. Don't sweat it. If it's gonna happen, it'll happen. Wait till you get there first.

Good luck!

[Nik+Heather 121]

I'm also in the "hopefully it will work out as you meet face to face" camp.

Nik and I talked a lot when we were apart, but one time when his mom came into the room I'd feel all shy and dive out of the webcam frame! Or, I might be at my parents and cooking dinner with him on the speaker phone (shoulder hurts!) and my mother might not talk much while he was on. After meeting his parents (and staying at their house) and after Mother's gotten to know Nik more, everything's so much more comfortable. IN fact, MY mother usually takes HIS side in things....

Many mothers just want their children to just be happy, and you're a big unknown at this point.

I think getting worked up about it now will only leave lingering feelings of resentment later. Try as best you can to keep an open mind. Shyness can frequently be misinterpreted as insult (See: Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice)

Edited April 20, 2010 by Nik+Heather

[Eenerz 0]

So I really hate that this is even a possibility, however have you talked to your husband about any possible predijuces his family may have?

Frequently in conversation with my American friends and aquantainces the issue of 'illegal immigrants' comes up. And sorry to say, but the picture most people have in their heads is a person of latin decent. When I pipe in with the 'um you know I'm an immigrant too' speech, they are momentarily confounded.

It's troubling that anyone can be so stereotypical or close-minded or so willing to accept the whole 'immigrants are stealing our jobs' rhetoric, however when you listen to it every night on the evening news it's gonna creep in there somewhere. On top of this is the balcklash we (the beneficiaries) sometimes get about trying to 'marry' our way into the American Dream. I'm sorry, but I like my country and if it weren't for the weather and my fiance's family, he woulda been coming to Canada instead of the other way around. Some people just want to believe we are trying to steal something instead of just trying to be with the person we love.

I would perhaps talk to your husband about your concerns and find out a little more background. As a few VJers posted, it's hard for family/friends to understand how powerful our relationships can be when we don't necessarily see each other everyday. My hope is that they will come around and begin to trust you.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

My husband and I both believe in meeting each other's families. I think both of us are close to our families and thus we felt the need to introduce this wonderful new person to them. I personally would find it fishy if my husband had NOT wanted to introduce me to them....now it may depend on what type of people they are of course, but I would think at least that you had discussions about why you haven't been introduced to them or why they have not contacted you?

If you've been together as long as you indicate and you haven't had this disucssion, now may be the time. Open and hoest is always the way to go.

By the way, maybe I've missed it...has your husband met your family and did they get along well?

Thank you for the advice, but dont give me wrong, I have never told about this worries to my hubby or threaten him in any way. I love him and want him to be happy. I was just thinking out loud about when i move there and if they treat me pretty bad or act unfair with me I probably would not be able to stand it and will think of moving out of the city. I know my hubby will support me. We even have talk about moving to a bigger city because we have a business we want to develop when i move there, so that would be a very good reason to.

BTW - I think you should absolutely be able to tell your husband anything you're worrying about.

[Rob and Jill 82]

Thank you for the advice, but dont give me wrong, I have never told about this worries to my hubby or threaten him in any way. I love him and want him to be happy. I was just thinking out loud about when i move there and if they treat me pretty bad or act unfair with me I probably would not be able to stand it and will think of moving out of the city. I know my hubby will support me. We even have talk about moving to a bigger city because we have a business we want to develop when i move there, so that would be a very good reason to.

Let me tell you how it went when I met my ex-mother in law the first time.

Me: *some random off handed smart comment about something political*

Her: Well, aren't you just the little b*(&^ then?

Me: F - YOU.

Her: ROFL ok then.

After that we didn't have very many problems.

You absolutely cannot come to the United States expecting everyone to love you. They will or they won't. Just be yourself, and contrary to some of the advice on here, I would say you can talk to your husband if you're upset about it, but please do not put him in the middle or force him to chose. Give them what they get.

I would say they are not against you being there or they wouldn't have signed the affadavit of support. That would have been the easiest way to keep you away. Don't let it bother you. Just wait and see what happens and go from there. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

[Saddle Bronc 124]

Not really normal that none speaks (or writes) to you.

As far as coming to wedding....that would depend on where the wedding was.

No relative/family of Pras came to our wedding (her mum wanted to, but we could not get a visa-appointment for her in time--non-English visa appointments are at premium in India).

[Kajikit 65]

Not all families are close... we see my sister-in-laws maybe twice a year, and we just saw my Brother-in-law for the first time since we were married (DH's parents are long-deceased.) They're all lovely people but they have their own lives that don't include us. I write to them occasionally but I've never had any kind of response. (shrugs). You can't really know what people are like until you've met them in person, so I wouldn't worry about it yet. Your husband loves you and that's what really matters.