is it normal that my In laws have never been in touch with me?

[kevinj 19]

Hey,

I wouldn't worry about "lack of interest" ; I would worry about "bad vibes".

My wife's family NEVER contacts me, never sends birthday cards, never asks to speak to me on the phone ... This is even true of my wife's stepdad, who is the sole sponsor of my immigration application!

As far as I understand, they occasionally ask my wife "how's Kevin?" when she calls. That's about it.

When I send a birthday card or something like that, they will be glad but also surprised. They simply don't have the habit of doing such things themselves. In our first year, I got mad at my wife (then girlfriend) one time for not alerting me to her dad's upcoming birthday (thus depriving me of a chance to wish him happy birthday and make a good impression etc.) She was completely surprised, insisted that no-one expected anything like that of me, and it took her a long time to understand my point of view. She was also completely surprised when birthday cards or presents would arrive in the mail from my mother in Belgium ... She was sort of clueless about the whole thing, didn't know how to respond etc.

For a while, I was in the habit of occasionally (every 1-2 months) sending my sponsor a brief update of how I was doing. He'd always reply kindly but very briefly about a week later. I think he genuinely didn't really know what to do.

When we visit (about once a year - they live on the E coast, we live on the W coast), everyone is nice and it's a fairly relaxed and good time. No problems, no 'tudes, no bad vibes. Dinners, play with their kids, etc.

It doesn't mean anything except that they have a 'scattered' family, they're all pretty caught up in their own lives, and ... THEY SIMPLY DON'T CARE THAT MUCH.

Since I can live with them not caring much, it works fine with me. I understand that, to those used to a warm, tightly connected family situation, it might be very upsetting.

It would be a completely different story if I detected any signs of rejection/hostility/... In that case, I would probably react strongly and expect my partner to stand up for me 100%, no BS. Sadly, there's still a lot of racism and prejudice in the USA (like in most other places), which could play a role. Or there might be "family history" that you didn't sign up for, but there it is anyway. Such things would likely improve over time as they get to know you, but it's your choice whether you want to deal with the slow, arduous process of people finally growing up or not. And your husband should hold your feelings in concern at least in equal importance as those of his family.

(Isn't it amazing how people will completely bash immigrants in front of you, then react surprised when you voice your feeling hurt over that, then state in the most ridiculous way how they weren't talking about you, you're a good guy, I mean of course they weren't talking about you, it's just, well, ... ? I don't argue with people over such topics; I now try to see them as an opportunity to gently share my experiences immigrating to the US. Usually, people are surprised to learn it's not nearly as cushiony and rosy as f-up rightwing b-ards claim it is...)

************** THE MOST IMPORTANT BIT:

You said that you haven't discussed all of this with your husband yet. I encourage you to do so soon, since you're worrying about it anyway. The importance of his family to him is valid, but your feelings and your desire to feel respected and loved are equally valid. So tell him about your concerns. If you phrase it as 'concerns', there shouldn't be any reason why he won't talk to you about it (although some of us carry loads of suppressed baggage related to family - so you never know).

Anyway, I think your husband ought to take your feelings into account in this matter. Truth is, he probably *wants* to take your feelings into account. But in order to do that, he has to be *aware* of them! And that happens by you telling him about it. Other people never guess our thoughts and feelings the way we want them to. Talking really, really helps.

Wishing you the best,

Kevin.

PS Conversation suggestion:

print out this entire thread and give it to your hb to read. It'll show that many people have similar concerns and will help both of you look at things while keeping a bit of distance - makes thinking and talking easier.