Husband in India, but I the USC wants a divorce! Need Help

[amnyc86 1]

Hello to all VJ members,

So I married a guy from India. We met on-line, went to visit him in 8/08, and things went well and decided to get married. Long story short we filed in India DCF in 5/09, and after some delays, he was given an immigrant visa and came to the US in 9/09.

Just days prior to our marriage, his family gave some problems which he did not handle well. I forgave, not knowing that forgiving is all I can do in this marriage. Only after being his wife, living w/ him did I realize that he was very irresponsible, verbally and physically abusive. I tolerated his outbursts, his embarrassing shouts in the streets, in front of his parents, etc. Finally, the physical behavior took toll where he exacerbated an old back injury and I couldn't sit up or walk for 3 days. His parents did nothing. I forgave him, b/c I loved him. I recommended many things to prepare for his life here. He heeded none of them, and decided to do it his way which was unsuccessful.

After many empty promises of change in his behavior, and came to NY, I realized actually nothing had changed. He became physical w/ me again after Christmas, and the relationship has not improved. I went to the police and filed a report.

I have told him many times, that I do not want to continue w/ this relationship, as I am not getting the love, respect or concern that I need. He has caused too much damage, and I feel that we are definitely not meant to be together.

He is currently in India for family matters. While he was away, I realized that I am much happier and at ease.

So far he has earned $6,000, and has assisted in paying $2300 in bills. Understandably, I earn more than him, and all my money is spent on house bills. When I ask him about his expenses, he has no recollection, and no answer. When he does go grocery shopping, all he manages to bring home is a gallon of milk, and whatever else his heart desires(cookies, candy, juice). Never eggs, meat. fish, rice, things he eats in the house. He has accused me of stealing his money, starving him, and abuse to both our families. Prior to leaving for India, knowing that I depend on him to pay some of the bills, he cashed his check and left. He did not even inquire once after getting there and settling in on how I will manage. I had purchased his one-way airline ticket, since he did not have any money prior to him getting paid.

Our marriage apparently will not work out. He is under the false impression that it will. I do not know why, especially when he has been a horror show from the beginning. He has said and done things to be that I cannot forgive.

What is my next step? Since he is already in India, can I proceed w/ filing for a divorce when he is there? My state does not allow no-fault divorces, so I will have to file on the grounds of cruel and inhuman treatment. CAN ANYONE HELP PLEASE?

[milimelo 4,220]

I hope you're not buying him a ticket back to the US.

Check with a lawyer if you can file for divorce with him being in a foreign country. I know in cases where address is unknown (US) you can serve a person by publishing the notice in local papers and if they don't respond in a certain time frame, the judge gives you divorce.

Not sure how this would play if your husband returns however.

Since you have report filed with police for abuse definitely include that in the divorce papers.

You may also want to consider changing locks just in case he unexpectedly returns, especially in the place is just in your name.

Best of luck to you!

[Jewel-8 21]

An attorney should be your next call. You may want to consider a restraining order if he comes back to the US. Good luck to you!

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

Hi Amny!

I'm sorry to hear about your problems.

Your account of the events is exceptionally well written, covering all pertinent aspects of your relationship.

I do not know N.Y. State divorce law, but it is fair to assume that at some point you will have to have your husband served with the divorce papers. From that perspective you may want to use the opportunity of your husband's absence from the US to confer with a divorce attorney or two, retain the one you are most comfortable with, and get things started.

Viewed from an immigration perspective, I assume your husband is a conditional Permanent Resident, holding a 2-year Green Card. As such, he would be required to file for Removal of Conditions (ROC) not earlier than 90 days before his card expires, unless you guys are divorced, in which case he is actually required to file immediately.

Depending on how long it will take to get the divorce finalized, other events may take place. For example, if you are not divorced by the time his Green Card expires, he has to file the I-751 petition anyway, and will receive a Request for Evidence (RFE), asking for the divorce decree within a certain time frame.

If he can't produce that in time, he'll be in front of an immigration judge whom he (or his attorney) can ask to put deportation proceedings on hold until the divorce is final and his ROC petition is decided upon. In most cases this will be granted.

The ROC process requires him to prove that he entered the marriage in good faith, nothing else. Whether or not he can prove that I don't venture to guess.

Since you mentioned that your husband was physically abusive toward you, you may indeed consider filing a constraining order against him, especially as it is difficult to predict how he might react once he realizes that he's in trouble, relationship wise and immigration wise.

Wish you the best!

[trillium13 84]

I don't have a lot to add, other than that I was divorced in NYS. No-fault would have definitely applied to us-had their been such a thing. We had a lawyer that easily figured out how to make it work. Your next step should definitely be to contact a divorce attorney. They will know what to do.

I am sorry, and good luck to you!

[raymaga 25]

You definitely should not put up with that kind of abuse and I would agree with you that your marriage is over.

I would consult a good attorney to find out what your options are to end this marriage as soon as possible.

Good luck and best wishes to you. I hope you can move on and start a new life on your own.

[SuperDuper! 230]

Hopefully Pushbrk will chime in and tell you what to do. Good luck and good life!

[colours 3]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I have had similar experiences and there are good ways to handle it. For that you need to keep calm, be patient, and think through things very carefully, and keep low profile as word spreads like wild fire. This is extremely important for your safety, piece of mind, and to deal with everything in a healthy manner.

First and foremost document everything in chronological order with all the evidence

Research lawyers, get free consultations and decide which one is competent enough and you feel comfortable with

Make sure you contact SAKHI in NYC as that will serve as a great support and as being their client it will give you the upper hand in both the divorce and immigration manner. They will serve as an excellent resource to information as well

File a restraining order against your husband so that he cannot come near you and nor can he contact you. This way you are safe and you will have the piece of mind for not having to deal with him

As for the divorce and immigration, act on it quickly and before he arrives back to the USA and proves as a liability to you

Do NOT travel to India till a lot of these matters get resolved as he can bribe authorities and give you a hard time there

I know this is a lot of information to digest and it is difficult to be able to think calmly when you have been traumatized and hurt by such experiences. So try to stay strong and take very good care of your health and hang in there. Time is the best remedy when dealing with such difficult times...

Take it easy and I'll pray for you

Take care and I hope this is helpful

[colours 3]

BTW you can file here and all you have to prove is that the papers were served to him. That can be done by sending certified mail with return receipt through your lawyer.

Marriage and divorce are honoured anywhere and whereever you live is the local court that has jurisdiction on your case. Once you file for divorce in a court, the case cannot be fought in any other court and has to be fought where it was filed. Hence, your husband will not be able to fight the case in a court in India (hence don't have to deal with corruption of the system). Also, he does not have to be present here and if for some reason he is not allowed to come here due to immigration issues, he would just have to hire a lawyer in the state where the divorce is filed to represent him. If he does not contest the divorce, then usually after a certain separation/waiting period (varies depending on the state), the court automatically grants you the divorce. In your case since you are also dealing with so much abuse, it would be expected that the judge would empathize with you. Do not worry and stress. He cannot cause you any harm but you just need to be calm and tactful. Do not share all your actions, moves, etc. with your husband or anybody else. Let the sleeping dogs lay.

Good Luck!

[TracyTN 237]

Moving thread from 'moving here' forum to 'effects of family changes' forum.

[Darnell 8,478]

you can file for divorce immediately ..

sometime after filing, you'll need to submit a 'waiver to appear' signed by him, before the 'prove up date' for the divorce hearing.

He doesn't have to be physically present to be divorced from you.

HOWEVER - all state laws are different.

If you can't afford an attorney, at least go to the free legal aid clinic that meets in your area, get some advice there about how to file for divorce.

YOU CAN handle all yourself, but you'll need to be pro-active, and LEARN how to do it properly.

Remember this though -

VJ is focused on Immigration.

THERE ARE OTHER WEB PORTALS that focus on divorce. You should find one, a good one, and read.

Also - the law librarian at the law library attached to the courthouse (that handles divorces) should be able to assist you with the proper forms and templates - but you'll have to go in person, make a new friend.

Good Luck !

Edited March 26, 2010 by Darnell

[amnyc86 1]

Thank you all for the wonderful and thoughtfull responses. I have contacted the Legal Aide Soc and am waiting for a return call. My husband does not think I would go through w/ this as he has called a few x leaving me msgs that he loves and misses me. He is now deciding to attend some computer course, and is thinking about returning to the US by the end of April!

I am just hoping that this nightmare will end by that time. He does not have keys to my house, that I am happy about so there won't be any surprises when I come home.

I remember the times when I used to stay later at work so I wouldn't have to deal w/ him, or pulling over and just staying in my car for hrs at a time.

Now, I'm so happy to be home, where I feel at peace.

Thanks once again for all your advice and patience in reading about my accounts.

I got the forms from the internet, but now I am not sure what to do next. Should I mail them out to the courts and his copy to him? Or is there another procedure? If anyone can help me and direct me which way to go, I would greatly appreciate it. Times are tough, and I am trying to save as much as money as possible wherever I can.

Thank you all for ALL the help!

[milimelo 4,220]

Thank you all for the wonderful and thoughtfull responses. I have contacted the Legal Aide Soc and am waiting for a return call. My husband does not think I would go through w/ this as he has called a few x leaving me msgs that he loves and misses me. He is now deciding to attend some computer course, and is thinking about returning to the US by the end of April!

I am just hoping that this nightmare will end by that time. He does not have keys to my house, that I am happy about so there won't be any surprises when I come home.

I remember the times when I used to stay later at work so I wouldn't have to deal w/ him, or pulling over and just staying in my car for hrs at a time.

Now, I'm so happy to be home, where I feel at peace.

Thanks once again for all your advice and patience in reading about my accounts.

I got the forms from the internet, but now I am not sure what to do next. Should I mail them out to the courts and his copy to him? Or is there another procedure? If anyone can help me and direct me which way to go, I would greatly appreciate it. Times are tough, and I am trying to save as much as money as possible wherever I can.

Thank you all for ALL the help!

For divorce process, your best bet is to go to your local court house and speak to a clerk if you can't afford a lawyer. There must be someone in the court house who can give you an overview of the process and what you need to do.

Best of luck!

[3600rs 24]

What is my next step? Since he is already in India, can I proceed w/ filing for a divorce when he is there? My state does not allow no-fault divorces, so I will have to file on the grounds of cruel and inhuman treatment. CAN ANYONE HELP PLEASE?

What you describe is a picture perfect nasty example of a dominating macho male displaying his eastern values in the west. Those eastern values are then compounded with culture and family upbringing resulting in a very toxic unbearable menacing atmosphere. Immigration is well aware of such drastic cultural changes within the same race which lead to a divorce. A textbook example. What you define as cruel and inhuman is usually the way of life in their home countries, non aggressive males are looked upon as non-macho.

Great news is that he is away. Isolate yourself from him completely; financially and physically. Contact the pro bono society of your county and work towards getting a quick hassle free divorce. Also get a restraining order for him.

From the immigration stand point he should be Ok, the marriage is perfectly legit from what you describe. Its just a matter of east-west friction.

Edited March 26, 2010 by 3600rs

[Darnell 8,478]

but now I am not sure what to do next

find out what type of court handles divorce in your state.

then go to the closest court , of that type.

befriend the clerk of 'that court'

and inquire for 'the steps'.

many courts have websites that list all of the steps , processes, procedures, and links to current forms.

Suggest you find 'your court' and then learn if any website for 'your court'.

Good Luck !