Fiance with girl friends...

[Deina 8]

My ex-boyfriend have also female friends, thing that I was not like. But I was happy to see that his girl/friends also want to be my friends, so when they was come to visit, they was also made conversation with me and after a while when his girl/friend come visit she spend more time with me and doing girls stuff speaking about clothes, shoes, make the manichiure,etc...

With his other girl/friend I was often just go in the city, take the lunch with her, only me and her. So and with his last best girl/friend we was visit her together, so all what we was do, it was together and when I was spend time together alone with his girl/friend's that's different cause we are girls....

And now one of his best female friend it is now my best german girl/friend...

So, it think is nice when you and her also become friends.... just my opinia.

[sachinky 464]

Feel like I have to jump in here.

First off, I hate the notion of "married people don't do --insert thing--" Just because I love my husband and I got married to him doesn't mean I have to change my lifestyle or friends or that I can't go drinking. Rubbish.

Secondly, I understand your situation and if I were in your shoes, I'd probably be worried/jealous/resentful too. Have you ever hung out with the two of them? I mean, the three of you? Usually, your gut will tell that something is off on the radar. My husband's best friend in college was a girl who was very, very nice and always included me in dinner or drinking or party or movie plans. She'd make it a point that I was invited and I could tell there was nothing between them. She was very happy with her guy and so am I with mine.

And no, all people do not get married to their best friend. My husband is not my best friend. I've jokingly asked him if he wants to take over the mantle position but he refuses. Because he says he's my husband, not my best friend. He doesn't want to be the one I lean over to say, "Rob Lowe is one sexy devil." He doesn't want to be my beer guzzling buddy. Not that we aren't close or share secrets or play video games. We do--it's just a different dynamic than the one I share with my best friend who I've known for seven years now who happens to be a guy.

Talk through it--no matter how many long, boring, repetitve conversations it takes. This is something that will keep cropping up. It's not fair of you to ask him to give his friend up. But it's not fair of him to put you in a situation where you're uncomfortable.

On some level, I agree with your fiance. There shouldn't be these rules about who can go on a roadtrip and who can not. If four guys can go to Vegas and three girls can go to Aspen then friends of the opposite sex should be able to go wherever they want without people passing judgement or thinking that something is up. It's a load of double standards. I've been more of a guy's girl--have tons of guy friend mostly because I'm not very girly. That shouldn't mean that I can't hang out one-on-one with my guy friends just because I happen to be a girl/married. On the other hand, maybe that is a bit naive--I don't know of too many opposite sex friendships which are purely platonic. Usually it's an ex-turned best friend (meaning there is history there) or one party is secretly holding a candle for the other (hoping for a future).

Good responses so far. Fun to read. OP, good luck with your fiance. Figure out what's acceptable for you and what your boundaries are.

Edited January 24, 2010 by sachinky

[AUS2USA 0]

My fiance wants to spend a week or two with her every 6 months at least, although if he was able to work, he's said that he'd like to do it a lot more often than that and would like to do that as the years go by.

#######? Is this a serious topic, or are you pulling our legs? Don't go through the process of being financially responsible for him, thats all I can say. I smell a big fat lyin RAT.

That is my honst opinion. Just... Be absolutely sure!!!

[Martyshk 137]

#######? Is this a serious topic, or are you pulling our legs? Don't go through the process of being financially responsible for him, thats all I can say. I smell a big fat lyin RAT.

That is my honst opinion. Just... Be absolutely sure!!!

To reiterate my point... if that sort of thing had not been discussed with my future wife, it'd turn into a homicide/suicide

On a more serious note.

Let them sort it out first. Let her talk to her man. See what they come up with. There's enough input at this point. They gotta figure it out between them, then we'll have more to talk about.

[Immigrationstuff 0]

Alright, I've talked to him.

He's definitely willing to have her come over here or me go with him, but he's concerned about the principle behind everything.

He's said, "Why is it inappropriate?"

I didn't have much to tell him except that I can feel in my gut that it's inappropriate and in my mind thinking that most of you said so I told him to talk to his friends, talk to his parents, do his own research, and we'll talk about it later. He'll be coming over for a visit this week so it'll be a good time to talk about it in person.

Can you guys think of why it is inappropriate beyond this gut feeling?

I have no problem with him being friends with her or seeing her with me or being alone with her for a few hours, but a week alone is something else in my mind, though she does live on the other side of the country so it's not like it would make sense to fly out for a day.

To clarify about the 2 weeks thing...we went to California as girlfriend/boyfriend together at one of our fandom events for a week. The event was in the same city that she lived in and she spent the week with us as she is a member of the fandom too. Obviously I didn't know I was getting engaged and I already had my flight tickets back home, so it's nothing bad like that in that he only had 2 weeks and spent one with her...he had already visited me a few times that year where I lived and only saw her because we happened to be in the same city.

Thanks everyone your advice is invaluable. I've talked to my parents who agree with me along with one set of my married friends, but as I'm on the younger side (just barely mid-20s), I only have 2 set of friends that are married.

[sachinky 464]

Does this girl friend live alone or does she have roommates or a boyfriend?

I don't know why precisely it's inappropriate -- I mean, I can't pin it down to one reason. It's a bit odd yes, a married man staying over at a girl friend's place for a week. But like you said, he can't really fly over for lunch or a movie. But if it's making you uncomfortable, then obviously it's an issue.

And my most important suggestion to you--become friends with this girl. Pronto. Email/chat/pick up the phone/whatever.

Keep your friends close. Your enemies, even closer.

Edited January 24, 2010 by sachinky

[Martyshk 137]

He's said, "Why is it inappropriate?"

Can you guys think of why it is inappropriate beyond this gut feeling?

It is inappropriate because you feel that it is, between you and your future hubby, you don't need to justify sh!t. When two people enter into marriage there's certain compromises that each one has to make, so if one thing makes you uncomfortable (and trust me, I'm a guy - that is definitely effed up) - you shouldn't need to justify it to him. It's just how you feel. You feel weird and inadequate about it, and you shouldn't. End of story.

You are not negotiating your marriage in the end. Wife should be more important than anyone else, end of story. You are not (again, trust me, you are not making this an ultimatum) it's just you're a girl, who want's to be with a boy, who belongs to her, and does not do things that upset her.

Maybe I'll come up with something more coherent when I wake up, sorry

[sachinky 464]

If you really think about it, it's really not inappropriate. But because it bothers you and bugs you enough that you come to a forum asking strangers for advice, that makes it inappropriate. You shouldn't have to give him political/social/economical/cultural/practical reasons as to why this is inappropriate--it is so, because YOU feel/think it is so.

Hell, I often throw hissy fits and temper tantrums just 'cause I FEEL like it. Heaven forbid, if hubby ever asked me justify each and everyone of them.

Edited January 24, 2010 by sachinky

[Martyshk 137]

If you really think about it, it's really not inappropriate. But because it bothers you and bugs you enough that you come to a forum asking strangers for advice, that makes it inappropriate. You shouldn't have to give him political/social/economical/cultural/practical reasons as to why this is inappropriate--it is so, because YOU feel/think it is so.

Hell, I often throw hissy fits and temper tantrums just 'cause I FEEL like it. Heaven forbid, if hubby ever asked me justify each and everyone of them.

You are a girl, you are allowed to be irrational and throw hissy fits

That's the point!

Certain sacrifices have to be made to make your future wife happy no matter what. I might be wrong, but isn't it the point of getting married, to be there for each other to make your loved one happy, day in and day out till the rest of your life? Otherwise it's just dating..

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

I think it IS inappropriate and even if it is platonic (which I doubt) it won't be for very long. This process is difficult enough without having to deal with this #######. It would bug me too and I wouldn't be able to deal with the worry of that. She isn't family...screw her and the trouble she is causing already...let him have her if he is going to make a big deal about it. What about about your principles? Yours are a bit more reasonable than his.

[sjr09 155]

if you need some proof for later - suggest this:

1. he cannot go to them, they must come to your house, sleep there.

2. install video camera system in all rooms prior to him coming over.

3. when the girl(s) visit, leave for a few hours, turn on the recording system.

then review the recordings. go on like this for '5 visits' with the girls.

You should have all the proof you need, by then, yes?

send me a PM if you need info on inhouse video systems.

I see a sinking boat!

If you need to go that far as to install camera sys. Time to bail out, and save the money for a new pair shoes.

[SunDrop 59]

Gonna throw something out here that no one has touched upon yet.

Your fiance is about to leave his entire life - home, family, job, belongings and friends - behind and will have to start over from scratch with you. Even though he'll be with you, he will still have moments of feeling lonely or isolated. It takes about 2 years as a minimum to really adapt to a new life in a new country.

His friend is young and possibly very naive and/or inexperienced. I would say that your concerns are less about his fidelity and more about her possible lack of respect for your marriage. Depending on the age difference and also her previous relationships with all the men in her life (boyfriends, father, step-father, brother...) there could be a 'father figure' infatuation type dynamic going on and he is enjoying the attention.

It's inappropriate because he is sending her the wrong signals. Just because he trusts himself and his fidelity does not mean that he isn't sending her very confusing signals. Leaving your wife on the other side of the country to spend a week in your company is a confusing signal. It's inappropriate because it isn't fair to her.

If she is a USC, how did they meet? There's a fundamental difference, in my opinion, to an opposite sex best friend that you've known all your life and a 'best friend' you've met over the past couple (since you're in your 20s, more like a decade if you were in your 30s or 40s). Once you're married, it's time to start shutting the doors on friendships that were 'possibilities' as you've made your choice and those doors shouldn't be kept open. If they've only met in the past few years, why is he not dating her and does she know this?

His impending sense of isolation and her possible desire to be more than just a friend are what make this a recipe for disaster. She sounds as though HE needs to send her very clear signals that YOU are his chosen partner and although he values her friendship, you know are a core part of who he is. She either has to respect this and join the BOTH of you in your life together (i.e. she comes to visit you guys) or the friendship will wind down and be lost.

As long as he sends these clear messages to her, she'll gradually move on. But he has to erase the possibility from her mind....

[clueless_in_usa 8]

Can you guys think of why it is inappropriate beyond this gut feeling?

I will tell you why it is inappropriate ...

I am married and my best friends are mostly girls. I love them all ... like my sisters, even though some of them are my ex-g'friends. My wife is fully aware of all of this and does not object to my talking to them or even having dinner with one of them (my friend asks my wife for permission to have dinner with me if my wife cannot come).

However, one thing is to be in contact with my best (female) friends and another is to use one of my few vacation days a year to hang out with my friend(s) ALONE, instead of saving such rare time to enjoy with my wife (and this is even if my friends are males). If I ever told my wife: "I am going to use one week of my limited vacation time to live with my female friend ... EVERY YEAR!" she will certainly feel the urge to hang me up when I return.

The only continuous time I spend away from my wife is when I travel for work or when she goes to Russia to visit her family and I cannot go with her. Otherwise, I am her PRIORITY and she's mine. As such, the only vacation plan that is appropriate to make is WITH EACH OTHER.

Otherwise, we should not be married ... and she is 100% clear about that, because the sword cuts both ways.

[rin and john 71]

Is it possible in your discussion with him to take the gender out of the equation? If I were to tell Rin I was planning a one or two week vacation alone with one of my guy friends, all hell would break loose!

The issue would be the large amount of time spent on something that put space between us. We all have precious few resources, and TIME is one of them. Rin covets our time together and would not like the idea of me 'spending' that limited resource in such a large chunk with anyone else. Of course, if that 'friend' was female, it would multiply the 'hell that broke loose' a hundred-fold!

[leahandlucas 15]

Just out of curiousity....is his 'friend' a USC or are they a PR, or any other status other than an actual citizen...

Not for anything, but with long distance relationships...we are not always privy to their entire life, until we come together and live as one...we always place trust first and hate to be skeptical...i'm not saying that your fiance is anything else but a good man, as you see him...but, just basing it on potential 'immigration' type relationships (and this is just thinking of all potential 'red flags'...sometimes an immigrant cannot be with the person they really want to be with, due to their partners status...and find other means to get here...for example, this girl cannot petition for him because she is not a USC...so the intended immigrant finds an available sponsor (unknowing to the sponsor of course) as a means to get here...gain status, and eventually end up with the person they really wanted to be with, in the future...

Again, i'm not saying this is your situation...but sometimes with our 'love goggles' we don't always see clearly...

Just putting it out there....

I truly hope your situation works out...but I find it weird that your fiance is already mapping out his social requests and requirements...your feelings come first...the 'girlfriends' that my husband has, are one's that we share...meaning that they are just as much my friends as they are his...even if he knew them first....it is not normal for a spouse to have a closer relationship with the opposite sex...and one that you are not 100% a part of....women have good intuitions....it has nothing with you being insecure and if he tells you that your feelings are not valid or that you shouldn't feel that way...that is not good as well....I say that you sort this out before the process is complete....small incidents or situations prior to the union taking place, end up becoming huge situations once you are together....getting married does not trump or make those situations go away.....trying to address a stain on your shirt by wearing a sweater over it...does not make the stain go away...it may not visibly be evident on the outside...but underneath it all...it's still there....don't deny or invalidate your feelings...

Good luck and I hope you find peace....

Also known as "PIGGYBACKING"...and unfortunately...it happens too much in the immigration system.

can somoneone close this thread now plz?...she has all the necessary answers...