He tried to kill himself

[mox 298]

Both of you need to read your bibles as it sounds like you are BOTH out of control to me. Submit to your husband (as is fitting to the Lord) and dont yell back at him if he starts yelling. He will not yell for very long if you dont escalate it by yelling back. If you speak calm when he yells, he will stop yelling.

Andrew

I'm not sure how reading works of fiction would really help, but since we are recommending fictional works, may I also recommend Moby #######. It's a real classic Or Fahrenheit 451. Ohhhh! And *anything* by Kurt Vonnegut. I'd say Slaughterhouse 5 is his best work (and much easier and more interesting than Andrew's recommendation) but you can't go wrong with any of his works. The first couple Harry Potters is also good if you're looking for something more modern, but after that they tend to get repetitive and dull. And of course I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett.

(seriously, I wish the best for you OP. There are some here who have some pretty good advice...listen to them. For the others, try not to let their attempts at furthering their own agendas hinder your progress.)

[andrew&evelyn 6]

Bahahahahahah...........this doesn't sound like it is coming from a person who has ever been abused. I always find it interesting when people use the BIBLE to justify poor behavior as if it is something that is acceptable in the eyes of the Lord. It is very telling.

Pouring alcohol on a person is a demeaning and violent act that most men would not consider just because his wife spoke back to him. Sorry but although I do hold the marriage vows and commandments very high....there are such things as deal breakers.

Some of us take our advice from the Bible which has got married couples through hard times for 1000s of years and some of us like to take advice from Dr. Phil and use his catch-phrases like the word "Deal breaker"

Obviously there is too much alcohol involved in the situation and the man needs to detox.

And I'm not trying to use the bible to justify poor behavior...I sent that bible passage as a way to help her and him.

Anyway...there is only 1 "deal breaker" in marriage and Jesus told us what it was. Unfaithfulness. Getting alcohol thrown in your face, or having your spouse threaten suicide is part of the "for better or WORSE" category, its not a "deal breaker" even if it is incredibly disrespectful. You also said that pouring alcohol on a person is a demeaning and violent act that most men would not consider. When a man is drunk you have no idea what he is capable of which is why the bible tells us not to be drunkards which is what this man is. Most of you probably have very kind husbands, but if you got them drunk, all day, everyday for a few weeks, then started yelling at them, Even the kindest of husbands could be capable of committing that act as their judgment goes out the window. Im not justifying it, im just telling you the cause.

Good luck to the OP.

Andrew

[Dakine 26]

Good lesson for others as you found out. Life is seldom "greener on the other side of the fence".

[Lona.C. 16]

would she not qualify to get the marriage anulled based on his mental state ?

and again we dont even know if he has his GC

http://www.ehow.com/how_4682701_as-peacefu...s-possible.html

Edited January 10, 2010 by Lona.C.

[SuperDuper! 230]

What is not being considered is that, given the man's unstable and self-destructive state, it puts her life and the children's life in peril, should he choose to "take everybody out" with him. It happens. Get out now!

Edited January 10, 2010 by Hopp

[MNCouple 3]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words of advice, comfort and suggestions. I appreciate it very much. I went to the ICU yesterday to take him his glasses and his leg brace, his medications and some clothes. The nurse said that when they asked him if he was still thinking of hurting himself, he told them not today, but maybe tomorrow. But he was still very much out of it and coping with the drugs from the Overdose. I didn't go in to see him and the nurse agreed it was the best that I not go in and see him, I left.

I didn't make it out before suffering a massive panic attack. I ended up in the ER and they had to give me ativan and a pain medication, as the panic attack triggered a migraine. I ended up going home and sleeping from about 3pm to 800am this morning. When I called to check on him he was transferred to a regular medical unit and that he was conscious and talking and that he wanted to see me. They also needed one more box of his meds as I took the wrong box.

So I went to see him today and the psychiatrist came in while I was there. He apologized to me and told me he loved me many times. I told him I knew he loved me. I told the psychiatrist that it was over for a variety of reasons and she then told him that with his MS and drinking it was making his depression worse. She asked if he was willing to drink less and he said yes. She also said that she was going to put him on antidepressants, a low dose for a few days while in the hospital and that he would be monitored to see how he was adjusting. THey'd have to decide if he'd go into psych ward or not depending on how he reacted.

He didn't seem suicidal and was agreeable with her. He did ask me several times if I felt the same way as I did the other day and once I told him yes. THen he asked again and I told him it was probably best that we not talk about it right now and instead talk about things in a few days.

He told me he appreciated me coming and thanked me. But he also wanted me to curl up with him and he kept telling me he loved me.

I do feel better for seeing him. Knowing he's ok and hearing him talk to the psychiatrist. But I have to just harden myself to the result. He and I are over. I told him there was no way I'd have any access to my children if I was with him and he nodded. I don't know if he gets it yet or not. He does seem to be in denial. He didn't know what day it was, he thought it was still Friday, and not Sunday.

I do care for him and I do want to see to his well-being, I just can't be with him anymore. My 12 year old found out about it... and she's been having nightmares and she is blaming herself. She told her father she had a nightmare that Chris died and then started haunting her because it was his fault he died.

I can't tell you how that makes me feel... and makes my x husband furious. So I have a variety of levels of guilt... for everyone... and rage and frustration and just about a dozen other emotions. The lady in the ER gave me domestic abuse information and other crisis hotline information. Everyone says I need to get seen right away, my daughter needs to be seen... and of course, Chris has to be seen by a psychiatrist.

He did tell me to look at the bills and did talk about going to work. So I'm hopeful that with proper medication and care, he won't try to hurt himself again.... but I also can't let him think that what he did will get me back.

I'm afraid to tell him strongly it's over and I do care about him and think I should visit him from time to time. But I don't want to give him the wrong impression.

Anyway, thank you all so much. I do appreciate it.

Thank you,

Erica

[MNCouple 3]

First off, I am sorry that you have to go through all this. Other people have offered you emotional advice so I'll just offer a suggestion immigration wise.. if you are truly done with this relationship and wish to end your marriage, I would promptly send a letter to the USCIS withdrawing your financial support. Since it looks like yo AOS hasn't been appvoed yet, my understanding is that until his AOS petition is approved, the i-485 isn't in effect. If he does not find another sponsor and if you do not go to the AOS interview with him, he has no legs to stand on, so to speak, and will not be granted a greencard.

Additionally, I would have his name removed from all financial accounts and start divorce proceedings immediatly. It won't be easy but since you stated that you want to end the relationship, this would be the route I suggest you take. You could offer to help him pack - when your children aren't around and possibly under the supervision of a close family friend- and provide him with a ticket home where he can be around family and friends who will help support him through this difficult time.

Good luck with however you decide to handle this <3

Thank you, he does have his greencard. So his aos was approved. I think I'm not permanently on the hook, right? Also, he has no family or close friends. He has no idea if his parents live and doesn't care to know. He has a sister but hasn't had contact with her in over 10 years. He thinks she is lazy and has no interest in having any contact with her.

I'd love to send him back to New Zealand, but he has no one there. A few friends, maybe they would help him out. I don't know if he'd go though.

[sachinky 464]

Oh dear, I hope things work out for you. Be strong. And keep the faith. Always.

[MNCouple 3]

What does that mean? Is that a nice way of saying you are both selfish? Obviously the guy loves you so much he doesnt want to live without you or the very least he just wants you attention because you dont give enough to him. Some women only dream of being loved so much.

1 Peter 3 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Both of you need to read your bibles as it sounds like you are BOTH out of control to me. Submit to your husband (as is fitting to the Lord) and dont yell back at him if he starts yelling. He will not yell for very long if you dont escalate it by yelling back. If you speak calm when he yells, he will stop yelling.

Andrew

Interesting advice. I meant just to say we were both strong-willed in our opinions and way we handle things. At times, that caused us to butt heads and have major fights.

I'm agnostic so do not believe in what the bible portrays is the best way to behave. I am a faithful person and do good to myself and those around me as I do believe in the golden rule. I am not, however, a submissive type and I'll not submit to a man who has values or strict methods that vary from what I feel or know is right.

I have DDD and arthritis in my spine and a hip injury. If he wanted to go for a walk and I requested only 1 or 2 miles, instead of 3 or 4. He would get angry at me and lecture me about how I didn't care about myself enough to become fit enough.

If I let my children take a fruit rollup in the living room, he'd throw a temper tantrum and tell me that he wouldn't do anything in the house to clean or help out if I was going to let them be slovenly and eat in the living room... we are talking about a fruit rollup for goodness sakes. I refuse to allow my life or my children to be treated in a way that I deem is or was, unfair. I did decide it was unfair and I did decide that the time had come for us to separate. I told him I wanted our relationship to end. I also told him that I'd come back the next day so that we could talk about details and logistics.

I do not believe I was being callous or intentionally hurtful. For some, submission comes easily, for others, they will never submit. I'm a very independent person and do not need to submit to anyone.

[MNCouple 3]

Thank you, he does have his greencard. So his aos was approved. I think I'm not permanently on the hook, right? Also, he has no family or close friends. He has no idea if his parents live and doesn't care to know. He has a sister but hasn't had contact with her in over 10 years. He thinks she is lazy and has no interest in having any contact with her.

I'd love to send him back to New Zealand, but he has no one there. A few friends, maybe they would help him out. I don't know if he'd go though.

Rather, I AM on the hook, sorry for the typo. He's on my insurance and I don't really care if I'll have to pay. He needs to be seen and cared for and if money is what it takes to get him healthy and stable, it's worth it. Money doesn't dictate my feelings or what I do in this situation. Obviously, I loved him very much and I still do on some levels. I just have to take care of myself and my children.

He did make me happy and he did make me feel loved, for a while. Then I started feeling miserable and unhappy and torn between him and my children... and everyone who saw us together knew I wasn't as happy as I should be. None of them liked the way he controlled me either. I just tried and tried to be patient, to find a balance in a "blended" family and be supportive of him while he adapted. But there comes a time when we all have to make a choice as to what is in our own best interest and the best interest of those we love. I knew he wasn't as happy with me as he should have been either. I wanted him to be able to find someone that would make him as happy as he should be.

Just because we love someone doesn't always mean that it's the best to be together.

[christeen 966]

Right on... You seem to be holding strong, but I would definetly get to the counselor with your daughter... Just keep in mind what you believe is best for you and your family.

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

I'm glad to hear that you've taken the right steps to secure yourself and your children, without disregarding the fact that your spouse is now your responsibility. It's awful that your twelve-year-old is experiencing nightmares, so I would suggest that you guys talk as much as possible and encourage her to express herself about it. A family counsellor for you and the children (not for your spouse) would also be a great idea. The biggest thing is that you don't bottle up your emotions and allow them to eat you, or your children, up from the inside.

I'm also relieved to know that you will NOT submit to anybody who treats you abusively. It will bolster you in the long run, and your children will take comfort in the fact that you're an anchor for them. All I can say now is to be strong, and I have every confidence that you'll get through this.

I would also strongly suggest that people refrain from posting religious passages which don't serve the OP well at all. To say that whatever a man does is a woman's fault is just...beyond me. There's a certain point that, yes, the abused person may be at fault -- but to say that they should accept the abuse is ridiculous. I've been in that position before where I was blamed for everything (and this is from my now-estranged family, not my spouse), but when I was getting blamed for someone else's diabetes or menopause, it was getting absurd. NOBODY should have to suffer the abuse in a relationship and put up with it. It just adds insult to injury to tell them that they should.

Hugs,

Magpie.

[rheanick 42]

I met my husband online, like many of us did. He was in New Zealand and I was in the USA. I was leaving 1st husband and the relationship I had with Chris (my now husband and Green Card holder) was intense and romantic and fantastic. We decided to see if we felt the same things when we actually met. He came in January of last year and met me... I was still married but we got along so well and it was so wonderful that he decided to come back and see me again in March. He came on the VWP. Our love continued to develop and I hadn't completed my divorce but we wanted to be together and he proposed. My divorce got finalized during the 90 day VWP and we got married.

I know now that it was a mistake. I wasn't really ready for such another serious relationship as I still was getting over the emotional affects of my separation and divorce of husband 1. Chris and I are both passionate, stubborn, strong-willed and type A personalities. In many areas we were scarily identical. Unfortunately, in the areas we differed, we differed greatly. We'd have major fights. In one particular fight, he poured alcohol all over me. He drank every day because he said alcohol was the only thing he had. He has MS and can't be as active as he wants.

I had also told him before he came that my children were the most important thing to me and our relationship would hinge on the relationship that would develop between him and them. My younger daughter liked him quite a bit. My older daughter hated him. He was very strict and had some extreme rules that they just weren't used to. He would control me and them. My older daughter finally said that she'd end up either hurting him or hurting herself if I stayed with him. She's 12. She should not be having those feelings.

So Thursday night I told him that I wanted to end our relationship. He was angry and upset. In our past arguments he had threatened suicide when I'd leave to go to my friend's house, but he never actually did anything about it. People told me it was emotional blackmail and a control mechanism. Because I'd always come back when he threatened it.

I left around 7pm... He was texting me over and over and over. Around 10pm the texts stopped and I figured he'd drunk himself to unconsciousness and then yes try to reconcile with me yesterday. I went to bed when the texts stopped, got up and went to work. I tried calling him and emailing him with no answer. I have a very busy job so I tried a couple of times through the morning. I had my friend try to call him when I got no response, thinking he was ignoring my calls. She called and then texted me. I never got her text. When I called her to see if she got a hold of him she said she'd texted me.

Then I looked at my phone and realized that my memory was full. So I cleared out all the messages and restarted my phone. That was around 2pm on Friday. I had 10 unread texts from him. The last three texts were: "Thank you for leaving me your antidepressants" and then "Tell Meagan (my younger daughter) goodbye for me" and then "Make sure Brodie (our dog) goes to a good and loving him me". Needless to say I panicked at that point and called the police. THey went to my house and found him unconscious and not very responsive. The ambulance took him to the hospital where his body temp was 93 and he was in the effects of a drug overdose.

I went to the ER. He was incoherent. Mumbling. Tugging at the restraints, trying to pull out IV's and Catheters. It was awful. It was one of the most painful and horrible things I've ever seen. After a while he seemed to become a little more conscious and he was begging me to free his hands and when I said I couldn't his pulse went up to 170.... I eventually just had to leave because when I'd go see him, he'd get agitated.

They admitted him to the ICU and they think he'll survive. We have no idea what the damages might be yet though. They are going to put him in regular medical units when he is stable and off the medications necessary to get his system over the effects of the drugs. Then when he's rational, they are putting him in psych evaluation and then will not release him until he's under psychiatric care.

Even though he's not really been aggressive with me or the children, the doctor warned me that he may become aggressive now or he may try to do it again as soon as he's released.

I don't know what to do. I can't be with someone who would do that. I definitely can't have my children around someone like that. I know I'm financially responsible for him. What if he stays in a psych ward for a long time? What if they release him and he has to continue to be seen often by a psychiatrist?

I have to pay for all of this and what if he can't work? I won't divorce him yet, as he's on my insurance....

I'm just numb. I feel grief and pain and an overwhelming sense of rage that he'd do something like this. I just don't know what to do and I'm hoping for some advice or suggestions.... or anything...

What do I do?

Get him out of your life FAST. Be strong!

[morocco4ever 63]

But each person is different. It chaps my hide when people impose one's standards upon another. We are all different, and what works for one person, will not work for another. If someone's love relationship goes bad, then just maybe a new and exciting love relationship is JUST what the doctor ordered.

Isn't that what got her into this mess in the first place?

To the OP, sorry to hear what you are going through, but it sounds like you are on the right track. Your children are still under age, and should be your first priority. I find it a shame that more women aren't as sensible as you.

Best wishes to your future.

[TBoneTX 43,133]

Get him out of your life FAST. Be strong!

Did you even bother to read the rest of the thread before posting (and quoting the ENTIRE original post)? Don't bother answering.

OP: Right decision, and best of luck, si man.

Edited January 11, 2010 by TBoneTX