Relationship Failed: Would you have told her?

[Y's_habibitk 2]

My view (which could be very different than others), is that you seemed to feel guilt at not telling, so did. I do not find fault at you telling her. Each person as an individual can accept or not accept a family's dark past. but living trying to hide such from your wife would eat you alive more and more as the years pass, yet make it even harder to tell...

The thing that strikes me, is that you told her friends first, as you stated they (her friends) were the ones to advise you not to tell her. To her that may seem like a betrayal. You telling deep things to others (other women?) and not to her. This may be a factor that may be as large or larger than the actual telling. It might not make sense to anyone 'logically', but love is not always logical.

The separation in distance, the k-1 process itself and not to mention marriage being one of the 5 most stressful things in life, puts a lot of pressure and emotions on both of you. Adding this, a 'meltdown' from this shock would be normal.

It is a big shock. I would advise to wait a few days. Don't try to just call on the phone or force some confrontation now. Send her sms or email (short email, nothing long) telling her you understand she needs time to think and are ready to talk when she is. If it can be worked out, you can build back up to where you were. If not, you found out before it became worse later.

I would advise not to rush into a conclusion and cancel the petition. If things work out, you won't want to start all over again.

I am truly sorry for your situation. It cannot be easy on either of you.

Great advise.

[baron555 934]

My view (which could be very different than others), is that you seemed to feel guilt at not telling, so did. I do not find fault at you telling her. Each person as an individual can accept or not accept a family's dark past. but living trying to hide such from your wife would eat you alive more and more as the years pass, yet make it even harder to tell...

The thing that strikes me, is that you told her friends first, as you stated they (her friends) were the ones to advise you not to tell her. To her that may seem like a betrayal. You telling deep things to others (other women?) and not to her. This may be a factor that may be as large or larger than the actual telling. It might not make sense to anyone 'logically', but love is not always logical.

The separation in distance, the k-1 process itself and not to mention marriage being one of the 5 most stressful things in life, puts a lot of pressure and emotions on both of you. Adding this, a 'meltdown' from this shock would be normal.

It is a big shock. I would advise to wait a few days. Don't try to just call on the phone or force some confrontation now. Send her sms or email (short email, nothing long) telling her you understand she needs time to think and are ready to talk when she is. If it can be worked out, you can build back up to where you were. If not, you found out before it became worse later.

I would advise not to rush into a conclusion and cancel the petition. If things work out, you won't want to start all over again.

I am truly sorry for your situation. It cannot be easy on either of you.

Great advise.

I also agree with this. You may need to go to see her in person at the end of this period.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

that is indeed excellent advise. I bet Natalya is feeling awful right now, and needs time to sort things out. Don't give up just yet brother john

[mox 298]

With regards to wondering if you should have told her or not...absolutely you made the right decision. Secrets are a bad thing to keep from your spouse, and they have a bad habit of coming out anyway.

I know what you're going through (seriously, you have no idea), and I know there's a zillion things going through your head right now. Best that you resist any temptation to make big decisions, especially regarding your petition or relationship. She made that decision really fast, probably in the same conversation. Let it sink in for awhile. If it's well and truly over, then honestly it's probably the best thing that could have happened to you. Better you part company now than when it gets messier and more expensive. If she has time to think about it and realizes she made a mistake, then cool, get back on the horse and finish this race. But right now, give her some space and tread cautiously. It's obviously rattled her cage, just give her time to think rationally.

Best of luck to you John, keep us updated if you think it's appropriate.

Edited July 28, 2009 by mox

[Nasturtium 500]

I agree in that you did the right thing. Probably to avoid more pain on both parts/feelings of betrayl on her part, I would have told her earlier... when you two first started getting serious and discussing family issues. If someone doesn't follow the idea that the sins of the father are not the sins of the son, then it won't matter at what stage you tell them, but I know that there are plenty of women who do see things that way. It hurts, but time will either soften her or you at some point. Sorry this had to happen, both this event and your daughters'.

[AKguy 1]

I too am extremely sorry this happened to you and your family... Ghosts from your past have come up again to ruin everything.

I think you did the right thing in telling her. I am thinking she made a gut reaction to the news and will come around. Don't give up on her, don't give up on anything right now.

Not that my story with Anna can come close to this, but I am familiar with telling your own history and how the SO chooses to take it. Telling Anna I was previously married, had kids, was 33 years old and was not close to my parents, broke the deal. She ended our second date right then. (like I said, it's nothing compared to your situation). Point is, she came back to me a month later. They need time to absorb the "bomb" we just dropped on them.

I wish you the best man.

Edited July 28, 2009 by AKguy

[Penguin_ie 5,986]

First, I am so sorry what happened to your family, and how it is still affecting all of you.

Secondly, you did the right thing in telling her. It is a pitty that she took it the way she did (though hopefully, after a cooling off period and thinking about it, you two can repair the relationship), but you needed to tell her. It would not have been fair to her to come over to the USA and then find out (and as you say, she would definitely have found out), and it would not have been fair to you or your kids to try and keep it a secret. Additionally, though I know this is furthest from your mind right now, the CO might have asked her something about your father and it would have looked bad at the visa interview had she not known.

[BluesTraveler 0]

Here is my questions; should I have shared this with my future wife?

Absolutely, granted not something you mention on a first date. The circumstances are very serious. Any serious matters should be discussed. Especially considering it adversely affected your daughters and it is part of their lives.

However I think she most likely feels like why didn't you trust her enough to tell her about it before. She may feel a little hurt by it, and may feel like you were hiding something.

give her time, and don't give up on her just yet.

[baron555 934]

Here is my questions; should I have shared this with my future wife?

Absolutely, granted not something you mention on a first date. The circumstances are very serious. Any serious matters should be discussed. Especially considering it adversely affected your daughters and it is part of their lives.

However I think she most likely feels like why didn't you trust her enough to tell her about it before. She may feel a little hurt by it, and may feel like you were hiding something.

give her time, and don't give up on her just yet.

This may be a real turning point in your relationship. Duh.. really Phil, ya think?!!

What I mean by this is assuming you two had a good solid basis for your relationship and your filing of the visa petition, this info had to come out.

When you can talk with her again, and I'd advise only after she is comfortable in talking again, you can use this to your advantage.

Now I am not advocating being unreal or putting on an act, but you can acknowledge to her that you did not know how to tell her this. That you love her so much and did not know how to tell her.

Don't put on an acting job, she will see through that quickly. RW want us men to be the man and take charge and all that. I assume you have done this.

But, based on my limited experience (so take that for what it is), they also like for us to display that we are human and have emotions. Knowing that her man can cry, to me, is a good sign for her.

He can take charge and slay the dragon but he can be emotional about it also. That, I believe, is a good thing.

Now is the time to be humble. To, when you can, tell her how you think of her, how special she is (no acting, she will see through that, you need to be real), how you couldn't tell her before but you needed to tell her now before she came to you.

How you are not like that and that weighs heavily on your soul. You ask her for forgiveness, that you love children and would never hurt them, how you would want her to leave you in a second if you ever acted that way.

Yes, this is a big point in your relationship. We all go this and these steps. My RW and I are going through it right now. Only the strong relationships will survive.

It takes great courage and conviction to make these international relationships work. Challenge yourselves, are you made of the right stuff?

Be honest, be humble, don't give up.

Phil

[Thomas-n-Elena 0]

I agree with myself and everyone else about giving it some time to cool off. Try and maintain some contact just simple hellos how are you that sort of thing just dont push it.

I asked my wife a hypothetical with your circumstance and she would have done the same thing that Natalya did, but then after further discussion she said that it would depend on how long she knew this person. A little more history between you too might be what you need. Dont be in such a rush particularly with matters as delicate as this. It took a lot of courage to overcome this the first time and then to be able to explain to her what happened. I only had one more question how did you tell her? In person or on the phone or in an email? I would think something this serious needed to be told in person but that is just my opinion.

Our prayers go out to you.

[Chris_Жанна 11]

I do not want to go into all the gory details but here is a summary.

Natalya and I have filed a K1 visa. My father has a sorted past; I was advised not to tell Natalya about his past back in May. I told her yesterday and it appears our relationship has ended.

Ok, here is the summary: My father was arrested about 13 years ago for sexual abuse of my daughters. Between getting out of jail and trial, he committed suicide. As a forensic scientist, I was permitted to see the evidence; there was no doubt of guilt (photos, videos, etc).

I believe in honesty, complete honesty. I was told by her friends not to share this because it would not be accepted in the Russian community (my evil father, I, the son, must be evil). I thought carefully about it and decided in order to respect myself I needed to share this news with her. Anyway she would learn of it when she came to America as my daughters were 9 and 11 at the time of the sexual abuse (they have had extensive counseling).

Here is my questions; should I have shared this with my future wife?

Request we keep this post in Russian Forum but others are welcome to comment

I think you made the right decision. Honestly is the keystone of any healthy relationship. Imagine if she came to America and found out that you have been holding this back before she left her life behind in Russia.

I think if your S/O truly loves you she might have a little problem digesting the information at first, but, with all cultural differences aside she should know that her future husband is a good man. This is why she agreed to marry you in the first place, because she loves & trusts you.

You and your family have suffered enough for the actions of your father. I think anyone that truly loved another person would not just cut off an engagement so swiftly. Maybe it was a lot of heavy info too fast, or perhaps if she is going to abandon you as soon as it is not calm waters anymore this is a sign to you.

I am not trying to be cruel by saying this, but regardless of culture, sh*t happens to people that is not their fault, if anything you are one of the victims of a horrible crime along with your daughters. It is a nightmare that I'm sorry you had to live through . I think that just because she is Russian this is not a good excuse to act like this. In Russia do they accuse woman of "asking for it" if they were raped..... (I hope not), I am still very naive about Russian culture. Someone did this to the victim, just as a crime was committed against your family. I understand that there is cultural differences but jumping ship at the first sign of a problem is kinda a red flag, if she's, American, Japanese, Brazilian, Russian......etc. Love is love and the whole purpose of getting married is to enjoy the good times but support each other in the worst of times. For her to end your relationship because you trusted her sounds selfish on her part. I guess what I am saying is you have no reason to think what you did was wrong. I would have done the same if I were you. Maybe I am naive.

I really hope she is just having a freak out session and you can resume your plans together, I wish you all the best. Stay strong.

[steve 26]

My view (which could be very different than others), is that you seemed to feel guilt at not telling, so did. I do not find fault at you telling her. Each person as an individual can accept or not accept a family's dark past. but living trying to hide such from your wife would eat you alive more and more as the years pass, yet make it even harder to tell...

The thing that strikes me, is that you told her friends first, as you stated they (her friends) were the ones to advise you not to tell her. To her that may seem like a betrayal. You telling deep things to others (other women?) and not to her. This may be a factor that may be as large or larger than the actual telling. It might not make sense to anyone 'logically', but love is not always logical.

The separation in distance, the k-1 process itself and not to mention marriage being one of the 5 most stressful things in life, puts a lot of pressure and emotions on both of you. Adding this, a 'meltdown' from this shock would be normal.

It is a big shock. I would advise to wait a few days. Don't try to just call on the phone or force some confrontation now. Send her sms or email (short email, nothing long) telling her you understand she needs time to think and are ready to talk when she is. If it can be worked out, you can build back up to where you were. If not, you found out before it became worse later.

I would advise not to rush into a conclusion and cancel the petition. If things work out, you won't want to start all over again.

I am truly sorry for your situation. It cannot be easy on either of you.

Great advise.

I also agree with this. You may need to go to see her in person at the end of this period.

I agree excellent as well. Give her time. As you said, there are cultural differences. I believe you made the right decision based on your feelings of honesty being important and a core element (of trust) that you wanted to share. Time will tell. Stay strong and hang in there. I hope things work out but if not you know you were honest to your convictions and ideals which define who you are.

[slim 1,514]

Here is my questions; should I have shared this with my future wife?

Hate to Monday morning quarterback this, but uh, don't you think this is something you should've told her prior to the K-1? This is kind of a big deal. Also, it's probably something that should've been said in person, not over SMS or Skype or however you guys communicate.

As everyone else said, just give her some time. If you do get some contact with her just be open and honest about why you did what you did and reiterate the complexity of this issue and the timing of talking about it - there is no easy time. I think you should've told her before papers were filed, but then again, it's not like this sort of thing just "comes up" during the VJ process.

Good luck with this, and keep us posted on what happens.

[johnj 0]

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. I thought it was best to share this with her in the beginning also; it was the agency directors/friends that advised against it. The directors are also her very dear friends; they live in America (one is from former Soviet Union). They are very close with her and in daily contact with her; sometimes for hours a day.

I had requested Ewok (administration) remove this post yesterday as it caused a stir with her and her friends.

She seems to be a bit calmer but now I am hopping mad because of comments, insults, etc.

[baron555 934]

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. I thought it was best to share this with her in the beginning also; it was the agency directors/friends that advised against it. The directors are also her very dear friends; they live in America (one is from former Soviet Union). They are very close with her and in daily contact with her; sometimes for hours a day.

I had requested Ewok (administration) remove this post yesterday as it caused a stir with her and her friends.

She seems to be a bit calmer but now I am hopping mad because of comments, insults, etc.

Please read around and through those comments. This is another big test of the strength of your relationship. Tell her that you want to be honest with her. Tell what she means to you. Tell her how you value your relationship with her and how you view your future together.

Then let it be. Don't dwell on it too much. Move on and continue your relationship.

Tell her as I have told my SO (again this morning) that your relationship involves two crazy people trying to do something very crazy, to be together. Tell her that it takes great courage, conviction and trust to make these international relationships work. This will not be the only test. We all can expect more. If you can get through this, your relationship will be stronger. Only by working together can you two overcome these obstacles.

Good luck to you two.