He used her!!

[Bobby+Umit 161]

Moved from K-1 to Effects

[rrobin 2]

"She took photos of the bruises and he was arrested. spent a night in jail and had a restraining order against him." does not sound good for him. Depending upon what he was booked for, it could still very well become an immigration issue (for him) come the naturalization time.

Edited July 16, 2009 by rrobin

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Thanks for all the input. I tend to agree with most of the posts. nothing she can really do as far as immigration except maybe try to stop him from getting citizenship [ thats what an immigration attorney told her ] but im not sure how she can do that.....and i agree that 5 years was a long time to wait if all he wanted was the papers, BUT maybe that was his plan to make it look like it was a real marriage and he was waiting to make sure he had this good paying job....i dont know, just speculating. my advice was to divorce him and hit him where it hurts- the wallet! im sorry i didnt have more info to post about this but she dropped this in my lap 2 weeks ago and we just spoke again 2 nights ago. I feel bad for her but i told her the best thing to do was to get this done and over and get past it and be more careful next time. live and learn

Since he was illegal, I'm sure his immigration status was one of the reasons for marrying her. I strongly doubt it was the only reason, since the marriage lasted 5 years. He could have divorced her and kept his legal status a long time ago. He could have even obtained his US citizenship by now. Yet, even after immigration was no longer a factor, the marriage continued. Except for the immigration issue, this marriage sounds just like many other marriages between American men and women. I think she should do the same thing she would do if her husband was a US citizen by birth - get the divorce and move on.

It wouldn't be at all unusual if he was waiting for his financial situation to improve before getting a divorce. Many men AND women do the same thing, and postpone a divorce until they are in a better position to live on their own. This has nothing to do with immigration. They're just being practical.

It's hard to comment about the abuse allegation without knowing more. From what you say, it sounds like this didn't become an issue until she confronted him about his infidelity. One incident of abuse after five years of marriage is not the pattern of an abusive husband. Did he lose his cool and beat her up when he was confronted about the infidelity? If so, that's a crime and he should be punished for it. On the other hand, did she go ballistic on him, and he just fought back? That might only be self defense, and it's a believable scenario given his lack of history as an abuser. There may be another side to this that she's not telling you. The police don't make judgment calls in these cases. If they hear an accusation of abuse, and see physical signs of abuse, then they make an arrest. The truth usually comes out in court.

Just about everyone who has ever been on the short end of a bad marriage goes through a period where they contemplate how to legally punish their ex-spouse for what they were put through. If an immigration benefit was involved, then that often gets added to the vendetta list - "I'll get that ba$tard deported!". This isn't healthy, and it also usually doesn't work. More often than not, the only people who benefit from these efforts are the lawyers.

Also, many states have rigid formulas they apply to determine alimony and support. In cases where the wife is working and earning more than her husband, then it's just as likely she'll end up paying HIM spousal support. Not fair, you say? That's what men think when they end up paying spousal support to their drug addicted unfaithful and abusive ex-wives. There are legal avenues she can take to "hit him in the wallet", but again, the lawyers are usually the biggest beneficiaries of these tactics.

When crimes were committed, then report those crimes and let the justice system take it from there. For the rest, forget it and move on. The emotional healing will begin as soon as she stops picking at her wounds, and she'll be a lot happier.

[Nina~ 431]

Thanks for all the input. I tend to agree with most of the posts. nothing she can really do as far as immigration except maybe try to stop him from getting citizenship [ thats what an immigration attorney told her ] but im not sure how she can do that.....and i agree that 5 years was a long time to wait if all he wanted was the papers, BUT maybe that was his plan to make it look like it was a real marriage and he was waiting to make sure he had this good paying job....i dont know, just speculating. my advice was to divorce him and hit him where it hurts- the wallet! im sorry i didnt have more info to post about this but she dropped this in my lap 2 weeks ago and we just spoke again 2 nights ago. I feel bad for her but i told her the best thing to do was to get this done and over and get past it and be more careful next time. live and learn

Since he was illegal, I'm sure his immigration status was one of the reasons for marrying her. I strongly doubt it was the only reason, since the marriage lasted 5 years. He could have divorced her and kept his legal status a long time ago. He could have even obtained his US citizenship by now. Yet, even after immigration was no longer a factor, the marriage continued. Except for the immigration issue, this marriage sounds just like many other marriages between American men and women. I think she should do the same thing she would do if her husband was a US citizen by birth - get the divorce and move on.

It wouldn't be at all unusual if he was waiting for his financial situation to improve before getting a divorce. Many men AND women do the same thing, and postpone a divorce until they are in a better position to live on their own. This has nothing to do with immigration. They're just being practical.

It's hard to comment about the abuse allegation without knowing more. From what you say, it sounds like this didn't become an issue until she confronted him about his infidelity. One incident of abuse after five years of marriage is not the pattern of an abusive husband. Did he lose his cool and beat her up when he was confronted about the infidelity? If so, that's a crime and he should be punished for it. On the other hand, did she go ballistic on him, and he just fought back? That might only be self defense, and it's a believable scenario given his lack of history as an abuser. There may be another side to this that she's not telling you. The police don't make judgment calls in these cases. If they hear an accusation of abuse, and see physical signs of abuse, then they make an arrest. The truth usually comes out in court.

Just about everyone who has ever been on the short end of a bad marriage goes through a period where they contemplate how to legally punish their ex-spouse for what they were put through. If an immigration benefit was involved, then that often gets added to the vendetta list - "I'll get that ba$tard deported!". This isn't healthy, and it also usually doesn't work. More often than not, the only people who benefit from these efforts are the lawyers.

Also, many states have rigid formulas they apply to determine alimony and support. In cases where the wife is working and earning more than her husband, then it's just as likely she'll end up paying HIM spousal support. Not fair, you say? That's what men think when they end up paying spousal support to their drug addicted unfaithful and abusive ex-wives. There are legal avenues she can take to "hit him in the wallet", but again, the lawyers are usually the biggest beneficiaries of these tactics.

When crimes were committed, then report those crimes and let the justice system take it from there. For the rest, forget it and move on. The emotional healing will begin as soon as she stops picking at her wounds, and she'll be a lot happier.

Well said Jim! Your posts are very insightful and thought provoking... Thank you!

[tulum 0]

All great posts. Thanks to all. i will tell her to come on here and read them. i lean toward her cuz she is my friend , not him....but its true. i dont know the whole story. who really does, except them?

[justashooter 430]

"She took photos of the bruises and he was arrested. spent a night in jail and had a restraining order against him." does not sound good for him. Depending upon what he was booked for, it could still very well become an immigration issue (for him) come the naturalization time.

"crimes involving moral turpitude" could bite him if he tries to get citizenship and has a lautenberg conviction that is less than 5 years old. soliciting prostitution and drug use are sure hammers if in removal of conditions or naturalisation and the crime is less than 5 years old. domestic violence may also be a disqualifier, depending upon the seriousness of the crime and the wording of the conviction.

if he waits more than 5 years from conviction date before attempting any change in status, and it is not a drug related offense or felony crime, he will prolly skate. lots of indians on rajeev's forum discuss this in relation to petty theft, DUI, and soliciting prostitution.

[justashooter 430]

here's a link to a typical post:

http://forums.immigration.com/showthread.php?t=298492

[diadromous mermaid 36]

^{Justashooter, promoting another immigration forum, eh? I wonder if that should be tolerated? .}

here's a link to a typical post:

http://forums.immigration.com/showthread.php?t=298492

[j and c 8]

press charges for violent abuse and hopefully at least his papers will not be renewed. ask for him to be prosecuted and hopefully convicted for physical violence.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

OT type comment inappropriate for this forum has been removed.