Anyone on VJ ever gone through a divorce? What did it teach you?

[Ken y Leidys 20]

Interesting. I haven't read anyone admitting to their contribution of why their first marriage failed. I guess it is easier to lay the blame entirely on the other spouse.

My last conversation with my exwife as she moved out was, "Ken, I'm sorry but its entirely my fault." Before planning to get married, I asked her if she felt inclined towards joining the Eastern cult that her relatives belonged to. She replied, "No." Exactly 1 year and 4 months later, she became a member. The "Happy People" stopped by our place to take her to their "Meetings" twice a week. From there, the whole thing went downhill, because I stopped trusting her.

[scandal 951]

Interesting. I haven't read anyone admitting to their contribution of why their first marriage failed. I guess it is easier to lay the blame entirely on the other spouse.

It is always the other spouses fault isn't it?

Obviously.

I had a lot, PLENTY, to do with my marriage breakdown. I'm not going to share details here on VJ though. And my admitting guilt doesn't mean SHE has none of her own.

Tell us all the nasty little details. We love gossip.

Yes, please, Ron...do tell.

Fvcking voyeurs getting cheap thrills from other people's misery.

Is that what this website is really all about?

I'm kidding. But seriously...how about a synopsis? You can leave out the juicy details?

I screwed around.

She caught me.

I then tried to be a good and faithful husband for about 3 years. Marriage counseling, the whole nine yards.

Packed up stakes in the states to move to Israel just to get a clean start. Wasn't enough.

That's it fellas. End of story.

Did you screw around with other women or sheep?

Spooky -- did you read the part where I said "End of story"? I meant it.

I'm all for gags, but not on this topic. This is my life and other real people's lives.

[Ladylethal 12]

In my book there's no patching up after a divorce, once you lose the trust the respect also goes down the drain and you can't just recover from it. But that's of course, my opinion, meaning I could never continue a relationship after a betrayal, even if it meant being heartbroken forever.

[nowhereman 1]

Interesting. I haven't read anyone admitting to their contribution of why their first marriage failed. I guess it is easier to lay the blame entirely on the other spouse.

Well in the vast majority of divorces both parties are at fault (maybe 60/40, 50/50, 40/60, etc) so if you are telling yourself it was all his/her fault then you haven't learned anything.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Interesting. I haven't read anyone admitting to their contribution of why their first marriage failed. I guess it is easier to lay the blame entirely on the other spouse.

Well in the vast majority of divorces both parties are at fault (maybe 60/40, 50/50, 40/60, etc) so if you are telling yourself it was all his/her fault then you haven't learned anything.

[Aubrey 10]

I can't even write down all the stuff that I learned from my divorce. The list is too long, so I'll include just a few things.

1. Often depression is actually bi-polar undiagnosed. And it is an ugly, terrible thing to be married to.

2. If they tell you they don't want to get married again, that doesn't mean they won't marry you, but it probably means you shouldn't WANT to marry them!

3. Age differences really can make a bigger difference than one might realize (I know many VJ'rs here don't want to hear this, but I've lived it).

4. Compromise can be worse than leaving things alone.

5. All counselors are not made equal.

6. Surround yourself with positive, motivated people and a "personal cheerleader" spouse. And return the favor. Negativity breeds negativity.

7. When you get sick or divorced, you find out who really cares about you.

8. Love is not enough. Not even close.

Someone made a comment about nobody taking the blame for their divorce. I'd say that is not really the point nor is it that simple.

[catknit 144]

It isn't what they say that you should pay attention to, it's what they do....

Had I just listened to my mom on that one!

[trinket 30]

In my book there's no patching up after a divorce, once you lose the trust the respect also goes down the drain and you can't just recover from it. But that's of course, my opinion, meaning I could never continue a relationship after a betrayal, even if it meant being heartbroken forever.

I think there are occasions when the couple divorce not just because of betrayal. Sometimes when you marry young and after a certain age both realize how they are different people all together anymore. Sometimes you fall out of love, its not like you don't care about that person but you aren't madly in love with them anymore. Then there are those ego clashes and every day fights of silly issues.

Just trying to say that not every marriage ends because of a betrayal. So there are people who could still be friends after the marriage ends, just they can't live as husband and wife.

[Nessa 23]

1. Often depression is actually bi-polar undiagnosed. And it is an ugly, terrible thing to be married to. - if they're off their meds.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

4. Compromise can be worse than leaving things alone.

I disagree. A compromise between you and your spouse doesn't mean you give in to their way....but finding an agreement that you both can live with.

[Ladylethal 12]

In my book there's no patching up after a divorce, once you lose the trust the respect also goes down the drain and you can't just recover from it. But that's of course, my opinion, meaning I could never continue a relationship after a betrayal, even if it meant being heartbroken forever.

I think there are occasions when the couple divorce not just because of betrayal. Sometimes when you marry young and after a certain age both realize how they are different people all together anymore. Sometimes you fall out of love, its not like you don't care about that person but you aren't madly in love with them anymore. Then there are those ego clashes and every day fights of silly issues.

Just trying to say that not every marriage ends because of a betrayal. So there are people who could still be friends after the marriage ends, just they can't live as husband and wife.

Oh, I wasn't saying we can't divorce if there's no betrayal, I was just replying to someone who said something about cheating and continuing in the relationship. I wouldn't.

Of course you can fall out of love 'cus you become different people and then divorce is the solution.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Sometimes you fall out of love, its not like you don't care about that person but you aren't madly in love with them anymore.

Feelings can be fleeting. If every married person chased after those fleeting feelings, there'd be a lot more affairs, IMO.

[Ladylethal 12]

Lack of passion and fleeting emotions and lack of love are different deals I think. There are times in a relationship you may question yourself, but one knows when the love is gone to the point of the person becoming a stranger and when the differences in personality just make it unbearable. Even then some couples will stay together so they don't leave their comfort zone.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Getting married right out of university can be a very bad idea, and even two lawyers can need lawyers to get divorced (and then end up cursing lawyers as a breed and consequently feeling all sorts of existential angst).

I'm one of the lucky ones -- my ex and I had a very amicable divorce and have stayed good friends, though I think the fact that an ocean and a continent divide us also helps.

I got married while still technically in university (I was about 2 months shy of my MSc thesis defense).

Is that why the marriage failed? I don't think so. The marriage lasted 17 years, so there were clearly many good times there, and 3 wonderful kids, so I can't regret it all.

It did end miserably though and to say relations with the ex are 'strained' would be a severe understatement

Of course I'm hoping I'm wiser and more patient the second time around. To get remarried you have to have a certain amount of indefatigable optimism and belief in humanity

I did say "can be a very bad idea" -- it was my parents' 40th anniversary yesterday and they got married when my dad had just completed his junior year. They've had their ups and downs, and a very scary time when I thought they were going to give up nearly 20 years ago, but they are more in love every year that goes by. They're my heroes in so many ways.

Edited June 15, 2009 by elmcitymaven

[spookyturtle 9,466]

4. Compromise can be worse than leaving things alone.

I disagree. A compromise between you and your spouse doesn't mean you give in to their way....but finding an agreement that you both can live with.

No, compromise means her giving in to my way. ,