Is my husband being unreasonable?

[lost&lonely 0]

Just to clarify, i am not a troll. I just really need some help/advice.

I am in a difficult situation and would appreciate some help, i have decided to post here as i don't want to involve family in case this is all sorted and they hold a grudge against my husband.

I met my husband 2.5years ago online. I travelled back and forth 4 times a year to visit, normally for 3weeks at a time.

We decided we wanted to be together and the only way was to do the K1 visa and marry.

I entered the US early Feb 2009, and we married within a month of me being here. We found out shortly after the wedding that i was pregnant and had convceived when i came over to visit Christmas. Although shocked we were both happy.

Since the wedding though my husband (USC) has changed.

He feels that it is a wifes duty to have sex with her husband whenever he wants, regardless of if she is in the mood or not. If i say no he always comes back with 'do you not love me anymore?', 'Do you not fancy me anymore?' or 'are you cheating on me?' (he has been cheated on in the past)

He then proceeds to try and get me to have sex by constantly pestering me...this is a major turn-off and does not have the desired effect.

He then sulks and refuses to speak to me.

On his days off from work he wants to be with me constantly, and stifles me as he follows me around wanting to be kissed and cuddled all the time.

Don't get me wrong i love my husband, but i don't feel the need to live in his pocket all the time and i do need my own space...found it easier to breathe when he's not trying to hug me to death.

After another row last night over not wanting sex and my inability to perform when he wanted it, he said that he wants a DNA test done on the baby as he refuses to put his name to the birth certificate as he thinks i must have cheated on him and thats why i don't want to be with him in bed.

The baby was conceived in December, when i was over here for the entire month, and i definately haven't cheated....so having the test causes me no concerns.

Before we married none of the above was EVER mentioned and he was happy or appeared to be in our relationship.

I just wanted to have some un-biased opinions from people who don't know either of us.

Is this normal, and a cultural difference (hadn't realised there would be such a difference between American/European Christians), is is something i have to put up with?

Are we casualties of this visa system and having to marry before we had lived together and really got to know one another?

I don't want to just give up, but my husband refuses to compromise on his views. The house we live in I own outright, but he likes to keep reminding me that he is the one that has to go out to work to feed us so i should put up with whatever.

[almaty 19]

yes..he is being a chopf##k..

as you are not property or a f##k doll for him

[lost&lonely 0]

yes..he is being a chopf##k..

as you are not property or a f##k doll for him

Thanks, in such a difficult situation you made me laugh.

[baron555 934]

No, you only have to have sex when the both of YOU want to. He can not and is not supposed to force you to have sex.

It sounds like he doesn't know how to be the man in the relationship. It is not a cultural thing. He needs a lot of growing up to do.

My suggestion is counseling. I am sorry for you. There are many men who do know how to treat a woman.

[SirJon 0]

Is your husband being unreasonable? Short answer is yes.

It's a hard one to give good advice on, but from what you say he really needs some relationship counselling. He seems to be carrying a lot of baggage from previous relationships that does not have a place in your marriage. I know that the suggestion of that to him would probably make him freak, but it is important for him to have someone tell him that a wife is not his personal property - it's not the 19th Century.

I'm so sorry that you have found yourself in this position, and hope that somehow you can get it all worked out.

[scandal 951]

A healthy and mutually satisfactory sex life is an important part of a couple's relationship.

He certainly should not be imposing himself on you or pressuring you to have sex or be intimate when you don't feel you want to be.

On the other hand, we have only your side of the story here, not both.

You don't indicate how often you do have sex or whether you find it satisfactory, or he does.

For example, if you feel satisfied with sex 2-3 times per month whereas he would want a higher frequency of intimacy, clearly you are both going to be frustrated with this mismatch of desires. Also as an example, if one partner expects sex to be part of a full courtship ritual with lots of snuggling, warm bath together, mood lighting and music, while the other partner just wants to go animalistic right away - that's also going to lead to some tension around the whole subject of intimacy. It's important to talk to your partner, understand what their expectations and desires are, and try to come partway to meeting them. Make it fun, make it enjoyable, do the things that turn him on (within reason, of course), let him know what turns you on. If this doesn't help, seek professional counseling from a therapist.

BTW - this is a complicated area and really not part of the immigration process. I'm not sure I'd turn to an immigration forum for this subject. But, that's just me.

[Kar98 0]

He's being a douchewaffle on all accounts. Whether by nature or by being confused and not yet adjusted to married life, remains to be seen.

[Bobby+Umit 161]

Go to counseling - if that doesn't work out.

Divorce and get away from this person.

[Nagishkaw 510]

And your complaining??

[reeses16 8]

Its definitely not a cultural issue. Seems like he is very insecure. If he wants to have a DNA test, and you can afford it, do it. It will end his concern and no doubt some (if not all) of the infidelity talk.

He definitely should not be hounding you about sex if you are not in the mood. Maybe a conversation about this situation when you're not in the moment would be helpful. And mention your desire to have your own space. Maybe he can have some out of the house activities of his own, or you could as well.

[English Muffin 59]

Go to counseling - if that doesn't work out.

Divorce and get away from this person.

This would be my advice too. It sounds like your problems need professional help, I doubt he's going to suddenly change on his own. If he's open to counseling I'd get it as soon as possible.

[Caladan 19]

Dude, this is *not* something you have to put up with, and he should know that in most states, if he forces you to have sex, there are laws against marital rape, too.

And he should probably learn that accusing someone of infidelity and doubting the paternity of his child is not the thing that usually makes women raring to go.

Can you get to a counselor? It sounds like he's taking an understandable lack of immediate interest (o hai baby) as evidence that you don't love him, and talking to someone who could put it plainly to him and help you two work out a compromise might help.

[Galateia 1]

Does he realize that mammals aren't really keen on continually mating after they've become pregnant?

I would suggest that perhaps you two could work out what sorts of activities could be an alternate for sex; is it a matter of him feeling, er, pent-up? If so, there are things you two could do together that do not require, er, orifices.

What many men don't realize is that sex is very uncomfortable or outright painful if the woman isn't in the mood. Personal lubriants are not enough to prevent pain, and men who think that women should engage in sex even if they are not interested need to grow the *bleep* up.

Counseling, stat. This man has issues that need to be worked out before he starts warping your child's outlook on life.

Edited May 21, 2009 by Galateia

[lost&lonely 0]

I really appreciate all of you who have offered insight.

Before we married he was not possesive like this nor did he show any signs of being so insecure & immature so i've been caught totally left field by his current views.

I will try and talk to him about counselling tonight. When i mentioned to him last night that we needed help to get past his thoughts of me not loving him, fancying him etc when i wasn't in the mood he was not overly receptive.

[reeses16 8]

I know the adjustment to the US can be stressful and influence changes in behavior. But this is more than we can attribute to adjustment.

I'm glad you have a plan. I hope your discussion goes well this evening. Best wishes!