Is my husband being unreasonable?

[Doctor J 0]

I suggest you read this article by Dennis Prager. He tells it from a man's point of view.

http://townhall.com/columnists/DennisPrage...the_mood_part_i

I think part 1 and Part 2 of that article has some really good perspectives on the males point of view of things. I see a lot of modern women on here talking about "you don't have to do what you don't want to and all that." But just remember a marriage is about compromise...BOTH parties have to be willing to make changes. Trust me a lot of women would love to have an affectionate man like yours...enjoy it while it last.....because once the "honeymoon" phase wears off you'll probably be posting...my husband is not affectionate anymore posts. I would just say if you continue rejecting him and he continues to feel rejected then that will just create more problems. Just be wise about it....I know you not going to be in the mood all the time..just consider what message continuously rejecting your husband sends to him. That is why he is asking if you love him, are you cheating, etc. Every man would wonder the same thing if his wife refuses sex to him on a constant basis. Now when you REALLY have to worry is when you deny him and he is like "ok" and it does not bother him anymore. That is what you will create if he continues to feel rejected. Because that is when he is going to have the wondering eye....men's hormones are WAYYY different than woman....our hormones have NOTHING to do with feelings, love or emotions (although they can be when we are in love as your husband is with you). That is why a man can have sex with a woman and have no feelings whatsoever about it at all.....these are natural GOD given desires that men have and if we were not given these desires the world would be under-populated.

So you have 2 choices:

1. Listen to all the other modern women on here and "Don't do nothing you don't want because its YOUR body."

or

2. Really sit down and have some serious conversations with your husband about how this situation makes him feel....how it makes YOU feel....and come up with some kind of compromise like 2 married adults.

What kind of a "Dr." are you????? your comments are so sexist they are not funny.

Also, what the heck does "god" have to do with the inscriptions for reproduction? And how so, according to you, are such desires given to "men" but not "women".

Welcome to the 21st century: women have sexual desires; and they have not a darn thing to do with procreation.

well I'm not into the 21 century independent feminist women era.....no thanks.......I'm not a doctor....its just a screename. God has everything to do with ALL things because he created all things and If it wasn't for him you would not even be able to run your fingers across that keyboard and write what you just wrote. If you don't believe that then that's fine. Everyone is allowed their opinions and comments. If you don't agree that is something that you will have to deal with.

PS: You also need to read the article.....and perhaps you will understand men a little better as well as yourself.

[HappyNathy 0]

If your husband is not open to counseling, is there a close friend of family member who could speak with your husband? My husband is also not open to counseling and when we were having a tough time, I ended up calling his father. This turned out to be a big help for us.

Marriage is hard work and unfortunately, we are not required to take classes before we leap into it. I also feel for couples like us, from different countries, we may get married before we are actually ready because we do want to be with our spouse. I know my DH and I were not quite ready but we wanted to be together. In our naiveté, we thought what difference does sooner rather than later make anyway? And oh my gosh, how overwhelming everything has been at times. Now after being married for almost 3 years, although only living together for 2, it is starting to get better where weeks will go by and there has been no bickering etc. It has been one of the biggest adjustments in my life! How we made it, I sometimes don't know. But when it is good ~ there are no words to describe my happiness.

If it helps, write down why you got married. You may have to try really hard to recall this right now, but do it. Try to invoke those initial feelings you had towards your husband. You have a baby growing in your body now so try not to be angry too much: happy mom = happy baby?

I concur with a previous poster that even if your DH refuses to attend counseling with you that you should still go on your own.

Good luck and know that this hardship shall pass.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

well I'm not into the 21 century independent feminist women era.....no thanks.......I'm not a doctor....its just a screename. God has everything to do with ALL things because he created all things and If it wasn't for him you would not even be able to run your fingers across that keyboard and write what you just wrote. If you don't believe that then that's fine. Everyone is allowed their opinions and comments. If you don't agree that is something that you will have to deal with.

PS: You also need to read the article.....and perhaps you will understand men a little better as well as yourself.

You obviously are not.--- though newsflash: this IS the 21st Century.

I can type across the keyboard thanks to this nifty little thing called evolution. Same thing that allowed for my brain to work and actually know what Feminist Theory is about; which you obviously do not. I hold advanced degrees in Gender Studies and Higher Education; so your online non-reviewed "article" from a religious radio host is something I would not recommend to anyone.

kthxbai.

[trillium13 84]

I spoke with my husband last night about us getting counselling...this was a definate no go as far as he was concerned as 'he doesn't have a problem'. Although he has asked if i will go to anger management classes to try and stop my unreasonable behaviour!

We seemed to take 2 steps forward and 1 backwards when we were talking last night, it ended up with him screaming & shouting at me, although i must admit by that time i wasn't as calm as i should have been!

He does have an issue with the baby 'you will have even less time for me when the babies born'. But another of his problems is when i get homesick 'i don't see why you're homesick you have me, surely that's enough?' apparently i am acting like a child who has been put into day-care, i cry but if i'm ignored i will get over it!!!

He wasn't in the line when sensitivity was handed out!

So thank you all for the responses good or bad. I guess i have to keep trying and see if things improve if not im going to get myself on a plane home.

At the risk of getting flamed here, I have to ask why would you bring a child into this situation? I mean, it seems like the two of you don't even have your own s**t together, why add to this with a child?

[Ellie-and-David 38]

well I'm not into the 21 century independent feminist women era.....no thanks.......I'm not a doctor....its just a screename. God has everything to do with ALL things because he created all things and If it wasn't for him you would not even be able to run your fingers across that keyboard and write what you just wrote. If you don't believe that then that's fine. Everyone is allowed their opinions and comments. If you don't agree that is something that you will have to deal with.

PS: You also need to read the article.....and perhaps you will understand men a little better as well as yourself.

You obviously are not.--- though newsflash: this IS the 21st Century.

I can type across the keyboard thanks to this nifty little thing called evolution. Same thing that allowed for my brain to work and actually know what Feminist Theory is about; which you obviously do not. I hold advanced degrees in Gender Studies and Higher Education; so your online non-reviewed "article" from a religious radio host is something I would not recommend to anyone.

kthxbai.

I you.

I was listening to a report that stated that the Y chromosome is at risk of becoming extinct in about 5 million years

Evolution rules.

Edited May 23, 2009 by Ellie-and-David

[Doctor J 0]

well I'm not into the 21 century independent feminist women era.....no thanks.......I'm not a doctor....its just a screename. God has everything to do with ALL things because he created all things and If it wasn't for him you would not even be able to run your fingers across that keyboard and write what you just wrote. If you don't believe that then that's fine. Everyone is allowed their opinions and comments. If you don't agree that is something that you will have to deal with.

PS: You also need to read the article.....and perhaps you will understand men a little better as well as yourself.

You obviously are not.--- though newsflash: this IS the 21st Century.

I can type across the keyboard thanks to this nifty little thing called evolution. Same thing that allowed for my brain to work and actually know what Feminist Theory is about; which you obviously do not. I hold advanced degrees in Gender Studies and Higher Education; so your online non-reviewed "article" from a religious radio host is something I would not recommend to anyone.

kthxbai.

all the degrees in the world wont help when you not on this earth anymore. Not here to have religious debates......just answering the question. believe what you want...you have that right.

[HappyNathy 0]

A bit mean & off topic now.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

offending post removed

[Eric&Meijiao 0]

A healthy and mutually satisfactory sex life is an important part of a couple's relationship.

He certainly should not be imposing himself on you or pressuring you to have sex or be intimate when you don't feel you want to be.

On the other hand, we have only your side of the story here, not both.

You don't indicate how often you do have sex or whether you find it satisfactory, or he does.

For example, if you feel satisfied with sex 2-3 times per month whereas he would want a higher frequency of intimacy, clearly you are both going to be frustrated with this mismatch of desires. Also as an example, if one partner expects sex to be part of a full courtship ritual with lots of snuggling, warm bath together, mood lighting and music, while the other partner just wants to go animalistic right away - that's also going to lead to some tension around the whole subject of intimacy. It's important to talk to your partner, understand what their expectations and desires are, and try to come partway to meeting them. Make it fun, make it enjoyable, do the things that turn him on (within reason, of course), let him know what turns you on. If this doesn't help, seek professional counseling from a therapist.

BTW - this is a complicated area and really not part of the immigration process. I'm not sure I'd turn to an immigration forum for this subject. But, that's just me.

I actually agree with this statement the most out of all of them. All lovers go through that honeymoon phase as well where you hardly leave the bed. From my friends that I talk to most often its the woman who is done with the sex part of it first. Men are visual/sexual by nature. Sorry that part is the truth. Women equate emotions to love more than men do. Take into consideration each guy is different but... certain aspects are only changed by intensity. I got lucky and chose someone who has the same frequency of desire as I do.

Should he be pestering you? Chances are lack of attention in that matter might cause him to question love. Just as a woman can think a man being happy talking to another woman might be a reason to question love. Both side of this issue come from insecurity. I would not go as far as to say he is being an ####. I think counseling is a good idea but talking to him is the most important. Also noted from above is the fact that this is only one side of the story without his interpretation of the same events. At least from my perspective even with my wife i will give you this advice.

MEN ARE FIXERS. Women like to have a man listen. If you are telling a story he cannot fix HE WILL GET FRUSTRATED! if emotions get the best of you and you fire off at him to either 1. Get some emotion from him or 2. because you feel he is not listening the instant you start yelling its over most of the time. You have to find an avenue to discuss feelings without it escalating louder. Once again minor differences in sexes. Men take loud yelling as an aggression or a challenge. The calmer you are the calmer he is that has been proven in many studies. It invokes adrenaline they get angry and have to control it which makes them feel worse. Women tend to be more compassionate but also more vendictive. Basically their emotional state leads to the opposite rush of adrenaline in which women become sporatic. You have to find middle ground, BOTH of you.

Hopefully that will help. Unless he tries to force the issue i wouldnt worry too much about it as long as you can find a channel to discuss it like adults.

Now.. for some others in this forum (Sorry i made sure to reply to your topic first but now i have some things to say)

Saying a man has desires is not a sexist comment nor is asking her to discuss options with her husband and being more open to his style as well. Its not sexist its a fact. Someone who appreciates and attempts to understand the differences and the role they fill is nice. Funny thing.. in a relationship (IMHO) there is no truly independent parties. You want to be the man and a woman in a relationship live alone. Otherwise it takes comprimise and work. That means giving into both sides, choosing your battles and learning to let somethings go.

This is one of the 3 main reasons i even began looking at the option of women outside of the US/CAN/MEXICO area. Not everything is on a womans terms. Sorry. Hate to say it. Discussing, celebrating or pointing out differences is not a racist thing. Once again in america is has become the worse form of things. Now to speak your opinion or point out scientifically proven facts leads people to say you are racist/sexist etc. Thats not what that means.

i.e. saying for example black people make up 12% of the population but represent 44% of the prison is a fact not a racist comment.

Its using that statistic to make a judgement on every black person you meet that makes you a racist. Far too many people say making a statement is racist/feminist/sexist/IST IST IST IST IST. Its the judgements you make on people you don't know. The fact is everyone does that. I know people that are "Style" ist. If you have the wrong clothes on they won't talk to you. The reason all these problems exist. Failure to meet in the middle. The world owes no one anything. It gave everything it owed to you when you were born. You got life.

I have a wife who isn't afraid to be a woman but at the same time she rules the house, in public she wants me to rule. I am fine with that. Relationships are full of comprise. By nature I believe in equal partnership (to a certain degree i think thats still because i grew up in a time where women wanted men more emotional and then found out having an emotional man is like living with a woman). In talking to my wife i found that my asking her to make decisions all the time made her uncomfortable. She enjoys the differences between us and understands the different traits of men vs women. She as funny as it sounds seems to put a lot of thought into it.

And i also agree with the statement

BTW - this is a complicated area and really not part of the immigration process. I'm not sure I'd turn to an immigration forum for this subject. But, that's just me.

But if someone is going to ask and you don't want to help and just start up trouble or say this guy is this or that woman is that when you cannot possibly understand the situation do what your grandma told you "If you can't say anything nice be quiet" Ignore the post. Move on and let those who want to take the time to offer some valuable information to her do so. She can decide who she will ignore and not ignore. The last thing she needs is more angry posters adding to her issues.

[Eric&Meijiao 0]

This statement is also true. It does not mean give into him in all discussions with conflict. But do realize you need to give way sometimes. If its sex and not in the mood there are alternatives to "SEX" to keep your man happy. And to say its out of the ordinary past your 30s is silly. It changes thats all. 20's is all about getting what you can get for many men. 30's are a carry over of the 20's with a lot more consideration for the woman in most cases. after 30's Its still an act of love at the end of the day. Just as buying flowers or writing a quick card or giving your wife a massage. You do them because you care and want them to be happy and successful. You want to share that you Love (REALLY CARE and want to share time with this person). Sex is just another part of that. Its not bad, its not foul. It gets bad when its taken not given. Asking for it however isnt bad either. Its saying "Wifey I feel a need, I want to express". You saying no and him being disappointed or feeling unloved is an issue. But as mentioned before if its been 1 year since you had sex with him.. hes WAY overdue. Most men are fine for 2 weeks to a month. After that they get grumpy. grumpy turns to bitter etc. Some don't need it as much and that works to your favor. Some need it more and that does not. Its a man's cycle. Women don't want to hear it but thats our "HORMONE" cycle. Just like women vary between 26 and 34 days or so men vary as well. You can rest assured they will be just as mean as you are when its time for cramps etc.

So you have 2 choices:

1. Listen to all the other modern women on here and "Don't do nothing you don't want because its YOUR body."

or

2. Really sit down and have some serious conversations with your husband about how this situation makes him feel....how it makes YOU feel....and come up with some kind of compromise like 2 married adults.

But one thing to answer your original question as well. That is part of american culture. Men feel deprived in many cases which is why the joke goes .. "You get married no more sex". Women feel empowered which is great but i feel a bit overcorrected for the ones I have met. Its all about comprimise and what you two are comfortable with.