How In The World Did It Come To This?

[Teacher Mark 53]

Do any of you ever wonder how it is that you are in the position that you are at the mercy of your Government regarding your marriage? Maybe if everyone had to go through a similar process our divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

[KGSodie 0]

I think that if everyone had to go through what we do, not only would the divorce rate be lower, so would the marriage rate. I think a lot of couples couldn't make it to the end of this process. It's a stressful, difficult thing full of separation and anxiety. It's a little like the story of the guy that was banging his ahead against the wall, over and over. When asked why he did this, he replied "Because it will feel so good when I stop". During the long visa process, we're all banging our head against the wall (ok, maybe the government is banging our heads against the wall), looking forward to the relief we'll feel after it's all finally over.

[SusieK 3]

Do any of you ever wonder how it is that you are in the position that you are at the mercy of your Government regarding your marriage? Maybe if everyone had to go through a similar process our divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

I would not wish this experince on my worst enemy but your right lol - they preach family values and yet tear down the walls when it comes to us abiding by them.

Cheers

[pushbrk 12,110]

Do any of you ever wonder how it is that you are in the position that you are at the mercy of your Government regarding your marriage? Maybe if everyone had to go through a similar process our divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

I never wonder how it is because as my relationship was in its first days, I started doing some research on what I was getting myself into. I knew before I ever saw my now wife on the webcam and heard her voice that if the relationship matured, we would be faced with an (optimistically) 6 to 10 month separation while we went through the visa process. I knew enough about the pitfalls to know the separation could be much longer and that there would be spans of months with no apparent progress. My wife knew the same, because she already had two friends ahead of us in the process, one in the US and one half way through.

I don't know how unprepared or uninformed people manage to hold things together as they are hit by one unforseen bit of information about the process after another.

[BlakeandOlha 0]

[That's where this site is so valuable. Over the last year I have lurked about learning as much as I could from other people's stories. You are right - I don't know how people could deal with the uncertainty of the visa process without belonging to a community like vj. Just think, every time you hit an obsticle you'd call your attorney to consult, cha-ching (that's the sound of his cash register). Even knowing as much as I do now, this is still a stressful process full of potential delays and potholes.

As for the government deciding who and when we will commit our lives to... well, the best of intentions always has a cost. While I think thourough background checks are important - for both the safety of the bride and the safety of the country, the simple fact is that most of the time since submitting applications is spent with our files in a box. In reading the posts frum Husker (a former visa adjudicator) the actual handling of the file by the processing centers may only be 15 - 20 minutes. I find this to be the most frustrating part. Governments, even good ones, don't seem to be able to get out of their own proceedures to provide and efficient, timely, and effective service to their citizens. And so we and our loved ones all pay the price.

[*JG* 2]

Do any of you ever wonder how it is that you are in the position that you are at the mercy of your Government regarding your marriage? Maybe if everyone had to go through a similar process our divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

It is an eye opener, that is for sure.

I wish everyone who made up all the stupid rules, had to actually go through the process. Things written on paper do not always make sense in the real world.

[HighwayStar 0]

Personally, I think the US government should be so honest as to tell their citizens clearly that they are not allowed to marry foreigners. Keeping married couples separated goes against every human right - European countries don't sanction anything like that (perhaps the UK, but certainly not the others), and we are certainly not overrun by criminals who marry European citizens. Moreover, being treated like that doesn't foster a healthy relationship between the foreign spouses and their new country. This is what I've noticed when reading many of the sections in this forum.

Hopefully I haven't offended anyone with my bluntness, but this is what I think. I have nothing to hide, therefore am not afraid of the process or anything, and I don't resent the invasion of my privacy as much as the fact of having to wait months and shell out loads of money, which makes me feel positively unwelcome.

[reeses16 8]

I think a lot of people go through a range of emotions throughout the process. At first I was frustrated with the process. I went to USCIS.gov many times and never figured out I needed to send in anything other than the I-129F. Maybe its not there or clear, maybe it was my oversight. After a friend recommended VJ, things were a lot easier because of the guides.

In truth your marriage is not at the mercy of the government. It might feel that way, but you could always move to your SOs country or a 3rd country. I know that may not be the best situation for your both, but its an option to be considered.

Edited February 5, 2008 by reeses16

[BigCityDave 0]

Yeah its called illegal immigration which causes most of the stipend laws.

[mariapoe 0]

You see, my fiance didn't realise that it'd take so long and he wouldn't listen. He's is a stubborn man and sometimes he overestimates his own powers . I was in America for five years studying/working(02-07;) for last two years we were first dating, then living togeter. In any case, he wasn't in rush to propose and I didn't mind but my visa was about to expire, so in June I eventually left for Ukraine. Without a ring. We agreed that he'd come to visit me in two months and he did. He proposed, too. I always knew that he'd do that but of course I had no idea when, so I kinda felt like I had put my life on a hold for him/us. Anyway, while in Ukrarine, he proposed, and only after he started gathering papers to file I129F in September, he realised how hard and long it'd take. And he was furious! He is an independend man and has been independend since he turned 14. As a result, he doesn't really require anybody's approval on his decisions; he's always been on his own working hard developing his own business, etc. So, with the USCIS he felt that it was a nonsense that the goverment has to basically give him an approval on the most important decision in his life he's already made.

We all go through this and it sucks! To be totally honest, now, after my K1 visa was approved yesterday, I don't feel all this waiting wasn't THAT horrible and unbearable. May be, because once Nick and I broke up for five months without knowing that one day we'll be back together. That pain when I thought I had lost him forever was so strong and destructive that this inconvinience of separation feels like a small teaser for me. Just comparing...

[pushbrk 12,110]

Personally, I think the US government should be so honest as to tell their citizens clearly that they are not allowed to marry foreigners. Keeping married couples separated goes against every human right - European countries don't sanction anything like that (perhaps the UK, but certainly not the others), and we are certainly not overrun by criminals who marry European citizens. Moreover, being treated like that doesn't foster a healthy relationship between the foreign spouses and their new country. This is what I've noticed when reading many of the sections in this forum.

Hopefully I haven't offended anyone with my bluntness, but this is what I think. I have nothing to hide, therefore am not afraid of the process or anything, and I don't resent the invasion of my privacy as much as the fact of having to wait months and shell out loads of money, which makes me feel positively unwelcome.

Respectfully, I just think you have the responsibilities backwards. All governments have the right and responsibility to enact and enforce immigration laws. The US government makes it far easier for its citizens' fiance or spouse to immigrate than the general foreign public. It is the citizens' right to marry whom they please but the arrangements for marriage, life plan and domicile are the responsibility of the couple, not the government whether a foreigner is involved or not. It's no different than a couple wanting to marry but one or both isn't free to marry yet. They'll have to go through the appropriate divorce proceedings according to the applicable laws before they can "marry", foreigner or not.

The system is far from ideal or efficient. It has many problems but it's immigration law, not marriage interference.

[Teacher Mark 53]

Who was doing a background on the Pilgrims? Obviously not the Natives.

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1055662/posts

[John and Luda 0]

Who was doing a background on the Pilgrims? Obviously not the Natives.

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1055662/posts

That's like asking who did a background check on the Spanish conquestodors who invaded, conquered, and kiilled many of the natives from most of the western hemisphere., In other words, I don't agree with your analogy (nothing personal.

What has helped me be patient trhough this process is thinking about the military familes and how they have been separated from there loved ones for much longer than this process takes. Also, don't forget some families are never re-united because many have and will continue to come back to the U.S. in body bags. Others have come back with arms, legs, and eyes missing. I think when real, patriotic Americans step back and think about it that way they would agree the wait and all the b.s. associated with this process is really nothing in comparison.

[psiprez 3]

We knew what we were getting into from the start.

As soon as we knew our relationship had real possibilities, we researched what his visa options were for coming to the US. Neither of us wanted to go blindly down a road that might not have an end.

It didn't take much to learn that a K-1 or K-3 was his only option for coming to the US so we could be together. I think when I realized, I told him by saying "Well, it looks like we're engaged." Well not officially engaged, but from then on we both knew where we wanted our relationship to lead. And I think that has only helped our relationship!

Are the rules and procedures set up by the government a pain? Yes. But I would jump through any hoops to be with this man, and he would do the same. And it is worth it all for him to come here legally and properly. We always say that if this is the worst our relationship will ever have endure, then we are truly a lucky and blessed couple.

[pushbrk 12,110]

Who was doing a background on the Pilgrims? Obviously not the Natives.

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1055662/posts

It is now 2008. For the most part, tribal societies have been replaced with soveriegn national governments. You are a citizen of a soveriegn United States of America, in the present tense. Discussions on pilgrims and natives are for the off-topic forum but there's plenty of evidence native Americans faced more difficulty marrying outside the tribe than inside for quite similar reasons. Even so, it was generally easier to marry into another tribe than to immigrate to another tribe by choice, like tribe A is kicking the butts of tribe B plus they eat dear instead of corn and fish, so brother B tribe decides he wants to joing the A's and eat meat.

You want to go back in history a bit further, you'll find marrying somebody not of your own home town was significantly more difficult, if only due to the travel involved. These things are choices that come with added difficulties. You make the choice, you deal with the difficulties just like its been throughout history.