Cultural misunderstanding or fraud?

[sipues 0]

This is kinda long:

So, I am trying to distinguish what is cultural misunderstanding and what is not. My SO is from Lima, but originally from one of the mid Andes-Jungle provinces - i.e, not quite from la sierra and not quite from la selva. She moved to Lima right after high school to work, because her family needed her to.

We have a basic connection that I can't explain, and that I have never had with anybody else. I am sure that's why all of us here are with our SO's, right? Any way, I lived in Peru for just over a year, and learned Spanish and the culture for the first time. We started dating a few months before I had to leave. She is very much like alot of the young women you will meet when you go to the tourist Peruvian handcraft markets that are peppered all over Lima, and to whom alot of Peruvians refer to as "Cholas". Please, let's keep this to the Peruvian understanding of "Chola".

The problem? I know, I know: The communication, almost entirely via phone, for hours almost every day, is wonderful, untill recently. But I am almost always left with contradicting statements to ponder about, or to wonder why she has answers to everything. And then, the dreaded Peruvian habit of not being forthcoming with information. A questions is only answered exactly to its required answer, no more, and no less; so there's no expounding (spelling?) beyond the minimum, which was one of my frustrations while living there. Here you are taught that every statement is a mini-thesis, with introduction, body and conclusion (there abouts), and so when you talk, you kind of talk in a similar manner; it is not what I have experienced in Peru. I guess we Americans always reveal so much info in our conversations, eh? So, lately I have been pointing out the contradictions, and she obviously denies them. So, the communication has gone down. I will call, and we will be on the phone a few minutes before she comes up with an excuse why she has to go. It has seemed pretty evasive.

Now, with Peru being known for high visa fraud, of course this is setting off all sorts of alarms in my head about the "validity" of the relationship, and whether this woman is playing me for a visa. Yes, I know, if that's the case, it won't be the first or last. But I would rather try to understand this further than just cutoff the process because I may have suspected wrongly. The K1 was already filed, so if worse comes to worst, I would be looking at canceling it.

Has any body else had similar experiences with their SO's? How have you handled it?

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

I've never had an experience like this whatsoever but I just wanted to say...stay strong.

If you are 100% sure in your heart...don't do it.

Save yourself the heartache.

Best of luck to you!

[psiprez 3]

Your intuition may be trying to tell you something.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

I meant to say

*If you aren't 100% sure in your heart....

[Ahmed & Sue 0]

sipues,

First let me say you need to make absolutely certain this is not a language barrier, and it is not just because of the different languages that you are misinterpreting things. Sometimes I will make a statement to my fiancee, and he understands me to say something different than what I meant. At first I always asked him if he understood me when he got quiet. I would explain things to him if he told me he did not. As time has passed, we do alot better understanding one another, however we still occassionally have times one of us does not understand the statement the other has made. We just keep asking each other to explain until we get it right. Sometimes it is frustrating, and others it is just a matter of changing a word or two to complete the communication.

Maybe the communication is not as lengthy in other cultures as ours, however contradicting statements are the same in any language. If this is the case, and it is not because of the language difference, then I would view this as a moral and personal value issue, not a cultural issue. I wouldn't care if the person were white, black, yellow, or green, it is not ok in any culture to be deceitful with statements one is making.

If this is an infrequent occurance, it could be that it is simply a misunderstanding between the languages. She may be getting frustrated because she did not understand what you said to begin with.

I wish you luck with this.

Sue

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I just want to add that instead of suspecting the possibility of 'fraud' right off the bat, it is also possible that she is having second thoughts and doubts about the relationship herself and doesn't know how to address it with you. She too may be having concerns about if she really wants to proceed or not. Distance can do that to people. If you can afford it, you may want to take a visit back and see each other face to face before you decide to do something so drastic as to pull your petition. You will have a better idea then if she is getting cold feet, if you are getting cold feet or if indeed there is more to it than that. Good luck.

[BigCityDave 0]

I just want to add that instead of suspecting the possibility of 'fraud' right off the bat, it is also possible that she is having second thoughts and doubts about the relationship herself and doesn't know how to address it with you. She too may be having concerns about if she really wants to proceed or not. Distance can do that to people. If you can afford it, you may want to take a visit back and see each other face to face before you decide to do something so drastic as to pull your petition. You will have a better idea then if she is getting cold feet, if you are getting cold feet or if indeed there is more to it than that. Good luck.

Exactly, the distance has put a lot of strain on my relationship with my future spouse but from what we have experienced so far there has been nothing but strengthening and we are stronger now than we ever have been before.

We are now to the point that we can take any curve ball. If for some reason the K1 visa doesn't get accepted for us, we are willing to do whatever it takes to make things happen, which for me would mean moving to Hungary for 6 months.

What I am saying, distance + strain = true love

Good luck and hang in there.

[Carlawarla 1]

I agree with Kathryn41 and a visit may be in order. You have explained yourself really well here though, and I applaud your talking about this issue rather than having it go around and around in your head and not being sure if what you're thinking is "real". I think you've explained it to us really well...maybe it's time to talk to your SO in the same manner. Tell her you're not thinking you're communicating really well now. Tell her that it's so different being on the phone than in person. Open up those lines of communication and she might start communicating how she's feeling about the communication and how it's going with you.

For myself and my SO, we found at the beginning our phone conversations to be a huge way of expressing ourselves. The closer we got to the visa interview, I would say they were different. I think over time they were meant to be that way. At least for us. They were oft times frustrating, because we wanted to physically be together, and the phone was just not "cutting" it anymore. When we found this was happening, we admitted we just had to be together, and Gene took a trip up to Canada so we could be together. Something to think about!

Best of luck to you. Let us know how you resolve these thoughts. Hope other people's experiences are helpful as well.

[athena_ny 1]

I don't know what language you two communicate in, but could it be a language thing? My husband speaks wonderful English, and we still have misunderstandings due to little nuances. For example, he spent two days mad at me once because I called him silly - to us (or at least my family) silly isn't mean or hurtful - just, hey you're silly ha ha. To him, it translated as ridiculo for some reason, or ridiculous, and after many explanations that silly and ridiculous are two different things, he finally got it.

He's not a cholo though, and won't talk to you for days if you call him one. We have had the issues with contradictions - again, questions were asked in different ways (just minor things) and then when I asked him why I got two different answers, it'll be, well two days ago you asked this, and that was the answer. Now you asked it this way, this is the answer. One word answers might be popular in Peru, I've never been, but his sister and his friends from Peru are the same way. You'd have spend two days asking the question to get the answer we'd get in America from a short little sentence. Peruvians tend to be very private, which can lead to misunderstandings. Especially when you're only a fiance - homeboy wouldn't tell me stuff as his fiance that he's told me as his wife - just some family stories (both of his brothers have a lot of demons, as well as his father who has passed on) and things like that.

Is a visit at all possible? We met in the US, but I was in NY and he in FL, and things were so much easier to figure out when in person. We have tickets for the end of Feb. that we got for 400 dollars, perhaps you can find something cheap?

[*JG* 2]

Take some more time before you do anything more on this process.

Sounds like you two have a lot to work out on the communication front.

[Don E 0]

There are two things which jump out at me which indicate something isn't quite right with your situation. First, you obviously have a feeling that something is amiss, and secondly, you went so far as to post your concern here for everyone to read about and provide thoughts on. My experience is that you should pay close attention to your "gut" feelings. If something doesn't feel quite right, it probably isn't.

I think that others have given you good advice, and I would just add to that. I would suggest that you have a serious talk with your SO expressing your concerns.....see how she responds. Hopefully, after that, everything will be good. But, if you still don't have a "warm and fuzzy" after that........

Good luck!

[panamania79 2]

This is kinda long:

So, I am trying to distinguish what is cultural misunderstanding and what is not. My SO is from Lima, but originally from one of the mid Andes-Jungle provinces - i.e, not quite from la sierra and not quite from la selva. She moved to Lima right after high school to work, because her family needed her to.

We have a basic connection that I can't explain, and that I have never had with anybody else. I am sure that's why all of us here are with our SO's, right? Any way, I lived in Peru for just over a year, and learned Spanish and the culture for the first time. We started dating a few months before I had to leave. She is very much like alot of the young women you will meet when you go to the tourist Peruvian handcraft markets that are peppered all over Lima, and to whom alot of Peruvians refer to as "Cholas". Please, let's keep this to the Peruvian understanding of "Chola".

The problem? I know, I know: The communication, almost entirely via phone, for hours almost every day, is wonderful, untill recently. But I am almost always left with contradicting statements to ponder about, or to wonder why she has answers to everything. And then, the dreaded Peruvian habit of not being forthcoming with information. A questions is only answered exactly to its required answer, no more, and no less; so there's no expounding (spelling?) beyond the minimum, which was one of my frustrations while living there. Here you are taught that every statement is a mini-thesis, with introduction, body and conclusion (there abouts), and so when you talk, you kind of talk in a similar manner; it is not what I have experienced in Peru. I guess we Americans always reveal so much info in our conversations, eh? So, lately I have been pointing out the contradictions, and she obviously denies them. So, the communication has gone down. I will call, and we will be on the phone a few minutes before she comes up with an excuse why she has to go. It has seemed pretty evasive.

Now, with Peru being known for high visa fraud, of course this is setting off all sorts of alarms in my head about the "validity" of the relationship, and whether this woman is playing me for a visa. Yes, I know, if that's the case, it won't be the first or last. But I would rather try to understand this further than just cutoff the process because I may have suspected wrongly. The K1 was already filed, so if worse comes to worst, I would be looking at canceling it.

Has any body else had similar experiences with their SO's? How have you handled it?

It sounds like she's found herself another man.Make sure you have proof of this before you cancel the visa petition.I know cholos/cholas like I know the back of my hand and it looks like she's trying to play you.Nip it in the bud before you get hurt,please.

[Krikit 1,166]

Time and distance, without physical contact, tends to erode relationships. Sometimes people get fed up and irritable.... sometimes people start to second-guess their decisions. A visit is definitely in order. All the best, Sipues.

[Krikit 1,166]

It sounds like she's found herself another man.Make sure you have proof of this before you cancel the visa petition.I know cholos/cholas like I know the back of my hand and it looks like she's trying to play you.Nip it in the bud before you get hurt,please.

Oh, come on. Just because they're experiencing the symptoms of a long distance relationship, doesn't mean it automatically translates into "She's found herself another man."

[pushbrk 13,642]

Sounds like it's time to spend a week or two together.