Cultural Adjustment

[san diego 407]

She has a GPS and a car. She drives just fine. Main problem is social life and adjustment and absence of friends. It is almost like she is learning how to walk again. I speak russian very well, which is a plus.

If she volunteers (obviously without compensation), do I need to obtain a document from this company that she was not compensated? I am just paranoid and do not want to jeopardize our chances for AOS, even suspicion. Actually, my mother is a biotech executive and she offered her to volunteer in her company. I am just scared that it may have an effect on AOS.

I have been here for 6 Months now and I volunteer full time. I work in my area of interest (Special education) and I also volunteer at the local public radio station. It is a GREAT way to meet people. I would highly recommended you suggest it to your wife.

She can absolutely volunteer...I sent an email to places that were interesting to me explaining that I cannot seek paid employment yet due to my visa restrictions but would love to volunteer my time in some capacity. Then you have proof if necessary that no payment was discussed (because this process has made me aware and over cautious of such matters).

As another poster also said...local classes or book groups are great too. I attend a weekly local yoga class and have received social invitations where my husband is the +1 which is nice

Can you encourage your wife to make a weekly or fortnightly Skype date with her family? When I first arrived, my husband also gave me a list of projects we needed to work on around to house and I had some objectives for my day Could you do something like this?

It is hard. It wasn't that hard for me...but there were definitely things I did not expect to be so difficult.

She has a car which is a huge deal! Make sure you know she has some money so she can go and do things and so she can have some financial independence. She may or may not be comfortable asking for money.

You could also find new things together...my husband is new to Vermont. We moved here after being in Scotland for 3 years. We are discovering this place together...can you incorporate that too? I think it would be hard to try and 'fit' into your spouses life instead of starting a new one together...if that makes sense. I don't kno if that is your situation.

Also...remember your wife has taken this huge step and she is obviously a strong and adventurous woman. Help and support her...but don't worry too much. It's a tough thing to do and she will be stronger after going through it.

Good luck, have fun!

Thank you, Helen! This is very helpful.

[46]

The answer is a Russian cultural club. You are in California, so as long as you are near a decently-sized city, one exists. If not, hunt down anything Russian: bakery, store, restaurant, Russian orthodox church, etc. Only fellow expats know the transition themselves and can act more easily as resources and friends. Remember, Americanization is not the goal; a happy life in America is. You can't ask your wife to discard all that formed her to date, including her homeland. After all, it's what made you love her.

[N&S 32]

Following on from what others have written, one page to find groups with similar interest (and be the interest just a common country background) is http://www.meetup.com/

You can search by city and "subject"

Hope your wife will feel at home soon!

[san diego 407]

Thank you, everyone! One question: she just called from ESL class. I enrolled her in local community college. Groups are HUGE. Does anyone know nationwide or California based ESL courses which are private and small groups which are good?

[Harsh_77 716]

Thank you, everyone! One question: she just called from ESL class. I enrolled her in local community college. Groups are HUGE. Does anyone know nationwide or California based ESL courses which are private and small groups which are good?

Most community college have the ESL class and the class size is small enough.

You might wanna try the community college in your area.

[Helen Louise Pile 80]

She has a GPS and a car. She drives just fine. Main problem is social life and adjustment and absence of friends. It is almost like she is learning how to walk again. I speak russian very well, which is a plus.

If she volunteers (obviously without compensation), do I need to obtain a document from this company that she was not compensated? I am just paranoid and do not want to jeopardize our chances for AOS, even suspicion. Actually, my mother is a biotech executive and she offered her to volunteer in her company. I am just scared that it may have an effect on AOS.

Thank you, Helen! This is very helpful.

You are so welcome! Almost everyone here knows what it's like. You area good husband for trying to figure how how to help her with the adjustment

You do not need any document. I understand your concern about volunteering. As I said, I would just have her mention in an email that she is 'unable to seek paid employment' or something like that. That way if it ever comes into question, she has written proof that she has been up front from the start...it is unlikely to ever come up...but just in case right. I have become friends with the people I 'work' with so they are all aware of my situation. i.e. No-one thinks I am an employee, they all know I volunteer there. Thinking about this really is being OVER cautious...but I did not want there to be any doubt over my compliance with the rules. Just make sure she covers her bases but it'll be fine.

As a previous poster said, volunteering can lead to paid work. I was also offered paid work but had to decline at the time as I did not have my Green card or EAD yet. Make sure your wife knows that she cannot accept any money at all for her time. (I get fed at the public radio station but that doesn't count)

I also 'worked' in a soup kitchen in Alaska over the summer when I was here in the VWP.

For me volunteering serves a number of different purposes

1. It keeps me busy while my husband works,

2. It makes sure there are no gaps in my 'employment' history while I cannot work,

3. I now have employment connections and references in the US.

4. I meet people.

5. It gives me a purpose and responsibilities here.

6. It's allowed me to expand in my career and tryout something new.

Cannot stress it enough, volunteering is great

Good luck with everything!

Helen

[USColombia 6]

This is something that I too worry about when our time comes. Our situation is a little different because she was an Au Pair here for almost a year (how we met) so she sort of knows what to expect. Her English is very good, just some grammar problems, but I'm thinking of signing her up for ELS classes to A. ensure her grammar is perfect so when she works there won't be a problem and B. she will be able to meet other people in her situation. I think other classes would also help her to meet people: yoga, dancing, food, other academic classes she finds interesting, etc. Whatever her interests are, I'd help her pursue them.

As others have mentioned, my fiancee is looking forward to volunteering at places. May they be at businesses (interning I guess you could call it) or at charities, she just wants to be active. These help in many ways: builds contacts, builds friends, gets her used to being away from you, ensures she grows in confidence, etc.

And finally, just ensure you spend as much time as you can with her. We've already planned for me to come home for lunch when I work and of course on the weekends we'll do things. She does have a few friends in the area, but they live an hour away and we can't afford two cars off the back. But I'm sure she'll spend time with them when possible. Although we won't have a spare car, I told her I'm fine with her taking it on days that I work so long as she drops me off and picks me up!

I've tried to offer "paying" for her to run errands, but she refuses the thought of taking money for that because she claims it's for the family so why would she accept money? Her big concern is independence with money to buy things without asking permission so she's working as much as possible before coming. I've tried to explain that it's all our money, but I understand her concerns. I just don't want her being stuck at home with no one to talk to all day. Luckily she loves US TV so I have a Netflix account ready for her to pound through series!

You just have to be understanding and patient, and when she's sad, just know it's not because of you. I read a lot of posts on here where people are almost offended that they are sad, but it's normal. Just do everything you can and I know with us, we've already planned to go back to Colombia on vacation the moment we can so that's something to look forward to for her.

We're still young (23) and I live near a university so hopefully the abundance of people our age will allow her to make friends quickly. It's scary, but like what has been said before, it'll all be worth it when things start clicking for her and she sees it as her home.

Another thing she seems excited about is I've told her she can decorate the apartment any way she wants and we'll buy new furniture. I think she likes this because it's more about her creating our first home, instead of her just living at my apartment. So it makes her feel ownership to it.

I've enjoyed reading everyone elses opinions, experiences and thoughts and hope others continue!

[ryna 132]

Thank you, everyone! One question: she just called from ESL class. I enrolled her in local community college. Groups are HUGE. Does anyone know nationwide or California based ESL courses which are private and small groups which are good?

See if the local public school system offers ESL classes. They do here and the classes are rather small (<10). And meeting others from her home country is definitely helpful. My wife has been lucky that we have several friends/neighbors who are originally from her home country so she can talk to them. Also, our mutual friend (who introduced us in the first place) lives nearby so they can spend the days doing things together which gives her a friend from "back home" that she sees regularly. They're also taking the ESL class together.

On a side note, 1.5 weeks is really nothing as far as adjustment time. I also think it will take about a year to fully adjust. Luckily, your wife can drive with the license from her own country. I'm the USC and even without the total cultural shock, the language difference and the immigration hassles (i.e., not being allowed to do anything - work, drive, travel, etc.) that's about how long it took me to adjust to where I live now and call it "home" after spending the first 26 years of my life in a different state 1000 miles away. It's difficult to leave everything you've ever known. Even more so for someone from another country.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

This is unusual topic. My fiancee came to US about 1.5 weeks ago (in fact I accompanied her on the way here). We got married. She is in great spirit however I feel how shocking this transition is for her. She has no friends, scared to speak English to other people, everything is a shock. She came from Russia and everything is new: streets, people, the way everyone drives. I had to go back to work and thus cannot spend much time with her during the week. I tried to make it easy on her as much as I can: I got her a car (thank god California allows foreigners to use their DL!), my relatives try to take her out during the week when they can, we take weekend trips, she went for ESL lessons. I still feel that this is not enough.. People that had good experience with adjustment of their foreign fiancee, please, share: what worked well for you? Activities? Classes? Courses? I just feel how miserable she is but cannot do anything. She is like on an island. Sharing good experiences only would be appreciated.

I have relatives in San Diego who are from Russia, maybe trying to get her involved with the Russian Community there will help. New friends, but from the old country. The adjustment period varies with each individual and I agree with some of the advices given here.

You are very close to Los Angeles, which has a huge Russian community, maybe visiting some of these get togethers or activities will relieve the effect of being "home sick".

If you need me to find out from my relatives in San Diego about local Russian clubs, stores, etc. drop me a note in my email and I will find out.

Good luck! With time she will adjust and as she starts to make new friends and learn the language she will be better.

[san diego 407]

Everyone, thank you so much for helpful advices! Truly appreciated!!

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Thank you, this is helpful! Does she need work permit for volunteer work? We thought about it but I thought she needs work permit. Doesn't she?

Yes, she is! This is a great suggestion! Thank you!

No EAD needed for volunteeer work and the oragnizations that use volunteers will never turn her down. Try to findsomething related to what she will eventually want to do for work and maybe she will make some good contacts.

[bestofboston 36]

This is unusual topic. My fiancee came to US about 1.5 weeks ago (in fact I accompanied her on the way here). We got married. She is in great spirit however I feel how shocking this transition is for her. She has no friends, scared to speak English to other people, everything is a shock. She came from Russia and everything is new: streets, people, the way everyone drives. I had to go back to work and thus cannot spend much time with her during the week. I tried to make it easy on her as much as I can: I got her a car (thank god California allows foreigners to use their DL!), my relatives try to take her out during the week when they can, we take weekend trips, she went for ESL lessons. I still feel that this is not enough.. People that had good experience with adjustment of their foreign fiancee, please, share: what worked well for you? Activities? Classes? Courses? I just feel how miserable she is but cannot do anything. She is like on an island. Sharing good experiences only would be appreciated.

[bestofboston 36]

Their are a lot of Russian speaking people in California. My brother lives in California and is married to a Russian. He met her in California while she was on a work visa and he married her. She has never wanted to return to Russia. They have been married for 16 years now.

She really needs to make contact with some married Russian women. She will be much happier if she can develop friends with other Russian speaking woman.

Women need women friends. She should go to a Russian Orthodox church and meet people she can feel comfortable with.

Good luck

[Neonred 3,444]

A lot of good advice here. A couple of ways I found to keep my wife happy and occupied while I was at work:

1. Let her make changes to the house so that she feels like it is partly hers. My wife cleaned, painted, changed window treatments, bought new towels and linens, etc, etc.....

2. Buy her flowers often. FSU women love flowers.

3. Give her a credit card and set her up an ebay account. This still keeps my wife busy. Good for her but bad for me and my credit card!

4. Buy her a dog. Beware that eventually the dog will get more attention than you.

5. If she likes to read there are several websites where she can order Russian language books. We are accumulating a large library of such books.

Edited May 11, 2011 by Neonred

[san diego 407]

A lot of good advice here. A couple of ways I found to keep my wife happy and occupied while I was at work:

1. Let her make changes to the house so that she feels like it is partly hers. My wife cleaned, painted, changed window treatments, bought new towels and linens, etc, etc.....

2. Buy her flowers often. FSU women love flowers.

3. Give her a credit card and set her up an ebay account. This still keeps my wife busy. Good for her but bad for me and my credit card!

4. Buy her a dog. Beware that eventually the dog will get more attention than you.

5. If she likes to read there are several websites where she can order Russian language books. We are accumulating a large library of such books.

Thank you, these are very good suggestions!