Nutty

1) Well, it's been 2 1/2 months (not three weeks)

2) I am not expecting him to assimilate into "our culture" in three weeks. I am expecting him to get a driver's license (since he was a PROFESSIONAL-almost stunt DRIVER back in Iran and wants to drive here).

3) I am a receptionist and we are living paycheck to paycheck. My husband keeps talking about wanting a $500.00 camera. Hell, I can't afford long distance, let alone a cell phone. I opened a bank account for him and put half of my bank savings ($1000.00) into it for him. So he could buy his damn camera.

4) Considering my husband wants to drive, take pictures, then he should expect to get a job. Because I can't afford it on my salary.

5) I think learning what shops/banks/etc are surrounding the apartment within a 5 block radius after being here two months and having the days free to explore is not too much to expect.

Jesus. If I had treated Mags like that when she'd only been here 3 weeks or so, she would have kicked my ####### and been on the first plane back to England.

A person really CAN'T assimilate into a new culture in a couple of months, ya know.....

Mags waited a year before she got a job. We could have used the money, but her getting used to the area and the culture was much more important. She still doesn't have a driver's license. It's inconvenient, but it isn't my place to *make* her go get one. Same with submitting her resumes for jobs. Seriously. #######? Again, I would have gotten my ####### kicked. And I would have deserved it.

Ohhh Olivia, please don't think I haven't felt or tried to be patient. I have tried to keep in my mind that he is new and everything is new to him. To be patient (which isn't my strong suit, but I try). But my husband is really slowwwww!!!! If I didn't get a little hot and bothered (which I feel I am forced to do), everything would take forever.

There is the big difference, Amy...

My husband is always sooooo serious (I knew this, but it never bothered me so much)! Maybe before, living overseas, since I was light-hearted I could liven things up just by being jovial enough for the both of us. But now the weight of the world is on my shoulders. And all he does is talk about philosphy, about science, human nature...For christs sake, lighten up and laugh a little. I sure as hell need a good joke!

Tammy,

Any news?????

Nutty

Alright, my husband's social security card did not arrive 3 weeks after his arrival as it should have. But on week 5 we finally got it. Then it took two weeks to mock up a resume. It took two weeks because:

1) We did not have a computer set up at home until August 1.

2) Trying to get specific details of chemical engineering trainings, procedures, work accomplishments from my husband was like pulling teeth

3) I work, dammit, and I am too exhuasted to get back on a computer after being on one for 9+ hours a day.

4) Explaining the reason for a resume and how to "sell yourself" in one was not comprehended by hubby.

Well, anyway, now we have an "ok" resume (not bad, but I am sure it could be better) for about a week and a half. And since that time, it has been me who is posting it on Indeed.com, Engcen.net, engineering.com, monster.com. thinkenergygroup.com, engineering.com, responding to individual adds on Craigs List, etc.

In this time, my husband has decided to focus his attention on the Driver's handbook to do the test for his permit. So all day he is reading the driver's manual and translating words he does not know into persian. This pisses me off! BECAUSE:

1) I sent this book to him in Iran over 10 months ago and he could have done this then.

2) He is not applying for jobs

Today, I went to Oregon Department of Employment and saw a job posting that was tailor made for him. I called him and explained this and detailed it can only be applied for in person and that he should do this TODAY! To which he replied that he 1) First wanted to see the job, 2) He wants to study his drivers manual.

I FLIPPED OUT!!!!!!!!!

Well, he is now going by bus (1 hour) to the Oregon Department of Employment to apply.

I know I am venting....

But it has been so hard.

He has been in our neighborhood for two months. Last week we walked three short blocks from our apartment to Bank of America to open an account for him. Yesterday he calls me at work when my boss is at my desk and says, "dear, where is the bank again." COME ON!!!! GET A CLUE!!!!! It is down the street and you were inside it 5 days ago.

Lastly, after I spent 3 hours cleaning on Sunday, afterwards, we were watching TV and something about Olympic Wrestling came on. I mentioned the story about the Swedish Wrestler (who is Iranian by ethnicity) tossing his bronze medal. My husband called me "negative" and "anti-iranian." All I could do at that point was take a shower (I was sweaty from cleaning) and cry in the shower. I drank two small beers and took an oxycontin and "shut down" mentally. He then tried to make ammends and admitted he was wrong (that Iranian husbands do behave this way sometimes - as if this makes it ok). All I said was, "well your in the USA now and married to an American wife. And American wives don't put up for that ####### Iranian husbands may dish out. I came back to USA, alone, without a job or place or belongings and got a job, set up house for our marriage. Let's see your stay at home sisters-in-law go to some strange city in Iran and do the same. Only for their husbands to come along later and criticize them. Life is too short and if this does not work out, then I am going to run away. Count on it. I can go back to India where I prefer to live and you can stay here or go to Iran. Whatever suits you."

I'm tired!

If it isn't the right career path, then now is the time to change it. You have been there a while now and been promoted. That is enough to demonstrate your a good, reliable employee. It is only natural at your next job (in your profession) that this current job was a stepping stone and that you want to move back to your chosen career.

On point to note, many immigrants have to take lower level jobs than their previous ones. My husband for example is a chemical, industrial manager who ran a factory with 100 employees under him. But since he is from Iran, his english not fluent enough, he will more than likely have to take a Chemical Engineer I position or even technician position. It sucks. But you do what you gotta do.

Tina

Lowly office worker, with high worth

CR1 = Conditional Resident

If he has an international driver's license he can drive in the US. Otherwise, he will need to apply for a state driver's license

After one month, your husband will get a resident card in the mail. Also, he should receive his social security card in the mail after three weeks IF you requested on the DS-230 forms to have one issued to him once he arrives in the US. Please note: sometimes the Department of State does not process this and you will still have to go to the social security local office to get a card issued.

Ok we are 3 months waiting in AP for CR1

but I really need to know what that means.

Does he receive a green card immediately once he comes on a CR1 visa?

can he drive if he brings a driving permit from Maroc?

I just need more details, as I have said, I have a really incompetent lawyer and my hubby thinks he will not be getting his green card, arriving here in US..this is why we are waiting this time now, so when he comes the AOS is finished.

Is this correct?

Anyone recently receiving the CR1 can surely shed some light on what will happen once he gets the call to come get his visa.

what reason, if any, would they DENY him a visa if they already granted him K3?

Dear Angie:

Administrative processing is a standard procedure after the interview. We all have to go through it. Please don't believe the Consulate Officer when they say it will "take one month." That "one month line" is policy to say, but not the reality. Waiting in AP can take weeks, a few months or many months. There is no way around it. Calling the DOS is no help either. Their policy statement is, "Case is still in AP." When you ask how long it will take they will usually refuse to give time frame of how much longer it could take.

SOMETIMES, though, SOMETIMES, you can get a nice representative. If you explain that you are about to quit your job and go wait with your husband, they may skirt around their own rules and "suggest" you be patient and that AP may not take much longer. (As this happened in my case).

My heart goes out to you and all the women who are undergoing AP. It is a torture! A true test of endurance and it seems only immigrants from African, middle east, central and south asia, have to wait long times in AP.

Why don't you ask your brothers?

My husband is an engineer and his english is proficient, not fluent. However, in Iran, there were not many options for learning english. Now that he is here, I see how basic his english is. He wants to get another engineering position, however, due to his poor comprehension and communication of English, I need to break it to him gently that he should not expect the best job now.

Why can't you take the pants to a tailor and have them altered to fit the waist?

As long as the pattern of the outfits your sisters-in-law FITS YOU PROPERLY, then why don't you pick out some fabric here and just copy the outline of the existing, fitting pattern.

Also, when I was in India, I found salwar kamiz can be sewn up within 24 hours. So I am sure the same applies for Pakistan.

Ready-made salwar kamiz look like potato sacks and are so unflattering to womens figure

Unfortunately, with family, sometimes it takes a long time before they come around.

My mother, at first, was very worried when I married my husband. Not that she was racist. But that my husband would become overbearing or dominating. But that changed when she met him and saw he was a softie. Even when I went to Iran, she was ok with it.

What?? !!

So they rescheduled the interview again?

Did he actually go to the embassy or did they call him to inform him of the change in plans?

i'm so sorry, Tammy... You are a very strong person, and i am amazed and humbled by your perseverance and calm. Good luck and many prayers to you. Please keep us informed.

Isn't there anything to be done on this end (that you haven't already done) to expedite this?

hz

Oh you are so sweet and thank you for your your prayers. Allah is the only Almighty and in charge of our lives, and I wait for the day Allah tells us it is the right time.

Yes he did go to the embassy this morning. They called him to a window where they said they are sorry that there were not enough officers to review the 221g so they ask he come back next week. Many people are in the same situation there and I am thankful that Allah is with us every moment.

Sending you my prayers sister and may you be happy with your husband.

God bless,

Tammy

I can't believe it! Oh Tammy, I am sorry. Maybe he can get his medical done again in the interim?

When is Ramadan?

I just noticed you live in Portland Oregon also.

Take care.

Tina

Her hubby is having his interview on the 14th. Which is really only like 8 or 12 hours from now given the time difference!!!!

So Tammy, I am saying extra special prayers for you!!!!!

One difference between us is our temperments.

He is extremely calm. Almost horizontal in his calmness. While I am impatient often. So, when it comes to doing things he is as slow as molassas. WHile for me, I have a list and try to do everything perfectly and timely.

I've been reading about something called "adjustment disorder" and I think that is what I have. I have tried to adjust to living in the USA after living in India for a few years, but can't seem to keep up the pace. It makes me so stressed out.

All the while, when I am dealing with being a caregiver to that old man, working, trying to get my husband on his feet, I am stressing. And there is my husband preaching at me to be calm. I just can't stand it.

Tina, my husband is that calm type too and I am that quick list making type and have to do everything on a schedule and timely fashion too. So I know what you mean. But remember, if there are TWO impatient and hot tempered people, there is only a catastrophe. I believe one reason you loved him is because he is different than you in nature. Yes it is annoying when you are freaking out and he is talking about how beautiful life is, but honestly, I am happy he is that way for you. Believe me, once he gets into work and this fast paced life, he will change a lot. He will understand your stress.

After 6 months of living here, your mentality and his mentality will be much more similar. Give it time and I know you and Abbas will be a wonderful and understanding couple, more than you already are.

With love,

Tammy

Dear Tammy,

You hit it on the nail, when you say one person is freaking out while the other is talking about how beautiful life is. He is always telling me to be calm. I just don't have the reserves anymore.

I am giving him a little shopping list of what to do now. A taste of responsibility:

1) I want him to go down to the DMV, alone, and apply for an ID card. The other option is that he finish studying the driver's handbook and take a driving test (but we need to borrow a car) and get his license. I want him to do this without asking for me to come along.

One difference between us is our temperments.

He is extremely calm. Almost horizontal in his calmness. While I am impatient often. So, when it comes to doing things he is as slow as molassas. WHile for me, I have a list and try to do everything perfectly and timely.

I've been reading about something called "adjustment disorder" and I think that is what I have. I have tried to adjust to living in the USA after living in India for a few years, but can't seem to keep up the pace. It makes me so stressed out.

All the while, when I am dealing with being a caregiver to that old man, working, trying to get my husband on his feet, I am stressing. And there is my husband preaching at me to be calm. I just can't stand it.

you really are HANGING IN THERE. I know you feel overwhelmed right now but you know as soon as you hold your healthy baby you will start to see the bright side. Dont feel like you need to have all the answers right now, just take it as it comes and let people help you and at some point things will be clearer! As soon as I can I will sort through my stuff for some non-pink flowery things and get something out to you, might be a couple of weeks still before I get it done. Just keep hanging in there and take care of yourself, baby and kids

I am EXTREMELY grateful for health and stuff like that TRUST ME. The issue I take is that he has been able to work since July ( the beginning) and refused to apply for anything until very recently. I have taken the brunt of everything on me, resulting in extremely high gas bills ( driving him all around while he refused to take the bus or even try), his absolute refusal to even apply for a job, what I perceive as really bad behavior( breaking things, chatting with others, constantly complaining about how bad life is here and hard life is here when he has done NOTHING to improve his situation. His absolute refusal to go with me to the OB. What I perceive is his only intention coming here was to get a job to make money to benefit himself. I told him very recently that being married to a woman his age or a little older or younger was a mistake. If he wanted a sugar mommy, he should have stalked a european or much older American or Canadian that had a super good job and basically told her , hey I dont wanna work and I will be your boy toy. Which believe it or not, there are 60 year old women in France doing that with 20 and 30 year old North Africans. But if you wanna play with women your age or have babies, you have to care for them. You can t just play around, hoard your money or when you do make money, send it all home. I told him actually if he leaves me I may just get better benefits through wic and day care assistance than i will if he stays and doesnt help me with anything.. which I think is next. There have been really good moments but all I know is that I almost out of money from supporting him all summer and I have no paychecks coming period and cant work hard enough to pull in money while he sits at home and smokes and plays in the net. I have tried to justify everything but I am just so broken hearted right now.. If he didnt want to work, he should have stayed home. And not gotten me pregnant. I am not the job corps. He has SOME resonsibility to me and the baby. Some. A little . A smidgeon.

LOL

You end your post LOL, but I am feeling so sad for you and how you explain how it is between the both of you. Has he shown any change in his behavior?

Just take care of yourself. Don't expend one drop of energy on anyone else except you and your kids.

Once your husband sees this, he may snap out of it.

Yes. It was required. Even if not leaving the airport and only having a two hour stopover

My husband is on the computer a lot. But I can see what he's looking at. And he gets a lot of phone calls from Iran.

The alcoholic, old man is truly alone (He's my ex apartment manager). He was in the hospital for three months and now needs bandages changed daily for a skin graft wound. I work in conjuction with some social workers.

Aww, please take care of yourself.

As others said, it is totally ok not to be super woman! If you need his help, ask for it.

Do you have to take care of this "alcoholic shut in"? Taking care of an alcoholic is bad enough on its own. Couple that with everything else and its no wonder you are having chest pains

If you ever need to talk please feel free to pm me. (((hugs)))

Lisa

Btw I have to say,

Im so grateful to my mother in law.. she keeps giving speeches to my husband about helping me when he gets here because I work. hee hee and habibi has told me how mad he used to get at his dad for sitting around while his mom did everything around the house(she worked too)

Last night, after we got home from the party, I just broke down and started crying. Telling him that this life has changed me and that I want to go away. I am not good for him or even myself. I was so ashamed of my outbursts. And how I feel so physically bad (I just don't think he understands).