Nutty

Dear Wahrania:

I'm glad to hear that your still with us. Please take care of yourself and the baby.

Best of luck to you.

Tina

Dear Henna Rose,

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your husband. I am very sorry for you and his family.

My prayers are with you.

Tina

Dear HZ:

What makes it harder is if you are stretched thin to begin with (work, life, school) and find you have to do twice as much housework, cooking and then show them how do everything (like public transport, getting around, etc, etc). I admit freely I am totally exhausted! I worked late yesterday. When I got home he was relaxed after studying his engineering books all day. I get up to cook dinner and can barely stand I am so tired. He asks, "honey do you want to go for a walk?" My response, "No dear, I am a little tired tonight (in my mind I am saying "are you freaking crazy? Can't you see your wife is exhausted?").

To top if off, he forgets to take out the garbage and its smelling. So I HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT! I just lost my temper and yelled, "Can't you help at least with the little things?"

Being stretched thin and being overly tired makes you more suceptable to getting upset over the little things.

Just keep that in mind.

Tina, sometimes it is so hard...it reminds me of that saying - I had one nerve left and you just got on it. The only thought I can give is sometimes you just have to breathe it out and say, "God give me strength."

I'm fortunate that my DH does a lot around the house, but I've spoiled him with my cooking, and for a while, he expected these gourmet meals every day - as he wouldn't let me use anything frozen. I felt like I could do the Barefoot Contessa show from my kitchen as I was in there for an hour at least each night. I finally said, look I'm sorry, but there will be nights when all we're doing is having a frozen pizza or one from the pizza parlor around the corner. He said he was cool with that.

I can so relate. My husband, at first, insisted on fresh everything. It really didn't take him long to realize that it just wasn't going to happen. I make him Melwi for his breakfast, which is a lot of work, but he hates all of the typical american breakfasts, so I do it. BUT I make a 2 week batch at a time and freeze it. He takes it out and nukes it. Its just the way it is, we don't have the luxury of me staying home, and if I did it they way he is used to there wouldn't be any time left for luxuries like, uh SLEEP! lol

I keep trying to explain to my husband that I don't have the time to cook everything fresh all the time. That I will do my best, but I can't be like his mom. Unfortunately his mom did work. She was a school teacher. Apparently she would get up at 5am each morning to make everyone breakfast and prep for lunch. Then she would come home on her lunch break to finish cooking it and serve it. After work she would start in on housework and cleaning. She had 7 kids to care for and yet she did everything from scratch. She even made her own tomatoe paste. I don't know how I can possibly compete with that!

IMPOSSIBLE!

Damn I hate it when they can show someone who is a freaking saint!

When I said to my husband I want work 2 or 3 days a week, he highlighted how his sister-in-law back in Iran is now working full time. BUT, I wonder if that is really true (the full-time bit). And then, more than likely working there and working here is like comparing apples to oranges as far as productivity is concerned.

Americans are the most over-worked nation on the planet.

My husband is sorry for not taking out the garbage. The problem is that I can not adjust to living in the US anymore. I just don't have the stamina to keep up this life.

It is so true... i'm exhausted myself.

My sister, whose husband is American, said she was exhausted for an entire year after she got married. And her husband was the same man she had lived with for years before getting married!

It's tough, but we will get through it somehow, no?

At least now, with the added encouragement, your hubbie might remember to take the garbage out next time??

Dear HZ:

What makes it harder is if you are stretched thin to begin with (work, life, school) and find you have to do twice as much housework, cooking and then show them how do everything (like public transport, getting around, etc, etc). I admit freely I am totally exhausted! I worked late yesterday. When I got home he was relaxed after studying his engineering books all day. I get up to cook dinner and can barely stand I am so tired. He asks, "honey do you want to go for a walk?" My response, "No dear, I am a little tired tonight (in my mind I am saying "are you freaking crazy? Can't you see your wife is exhausted?").

To top if off, he forgets to take out the garbage and its smelling. So I HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT! I just lost my temper and yelled, "Can't you help at least with the little things?"

Being stretched thin and being overly tired makes you more suceptable to getting upset over the little things.

Just keep that in mind.

Tina, sometimes it is so hard...it reminds me of that saying - I had one nerve left and you just got on it. The only thought I can give is sometimes you just have to breathe it out and say, "God give me strength."

I'm fortunate that my DH does a lot around the house, but I've spoiled him with my cooking, and for a while, he expected these gourmet meals every day - as he wouldn't let me use anything frozen. I felt like I could do the Barefoot Contessa show from my kitchen as I was in there for an hour at least each night. I finally said, look I'm sorry, but there will be nights when all we're doing is having a frozen pizza or one from the pizza parlor around the corner. He said he was cool with that.

When I met Abbas, I was not working and living in India. I was healthy, happy and relaxed. Now, I am frazzled to the bone, fat and unhealthy. In fact, I am beginning to think I have Chronic Fatique Syndrome because I can barely make it through the day. I know this isn't right.

Dear HZ:

What makes it harder is if you are stretched thin to begin with (work, life, school) and find you have to do twice as much housework, cooking and then show them how do everything (like public transport, getting around, etc, etc). I admit freely I am totally exhausted! I worked late yesterday. When I got home he was relaxed after studying his engineering books all day. I get up to cook dinner and can barely stand I am so tired. He asks, "honey do you want to go for a walk?" My response, "No dear, I am a little tired tonight (in my mind I am saying "are you freaking crazy? Can't you see your wife is exhausted?").

To top if off, he forgets to take out the garbage and its smelling. So I HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT! I just lost my temper and yelled, "Can't you help at least with the little things?"

Being stretched thin and being overly tired makes you more suceptable to getting upset over the little things.

Just keep that in mind.

Here is what you need to have:

1) Copy of original marriage certificate

2) Translation page

3) Translator stamp on translation page attesting the translation is accurate to the original

Here is what you need to have:

1) Copy of original marriage certificate (make sure the copy is notarized by the issuing authority)

2) Translation page

3) Translator stamp on translation page attesting the translation is accurate to the original

The mysterious Charlesandnessa...I admit I am intrigued by your presence on MENA. But you keep things light hearted and I like that!

Administrative Processing AFTER interview.

Time frame for waiting:

1 to 3 months: LUCKY

4 to 6 months: AVERAGE

7 to 12 months: UNLUCKY

Congratulations on your third anniversary!!!!

My Friday is starting badly. I snapped at my husband for not taking the trash out like he said he would.

It's just that I am so exhausted physically and mentally, really and truly. I don't know what is wrong and why I am so tired and not able to handle my schedule.

I know your feeling that, "if we don't use it right away, the DOS will find some reason to rescind the visa (at least temporarily). That is panic setting in.

Your SO's plan of two months or so to get his affairs settled and spend Ramadan with his family is acceptable. It will be nice that he can have the last holiday with them and go with a light heart to USA afterwards.

You are sad, I was sad, we are all sad when our cases go into administrative processing. But it is a fact that this is standard procedure and there is no way to avoid it.

Here is a general idea of how long you may wait:

1 to 3 months: LUCKY

4 to 6 months: AVERAGE

7 to 12 months: UNLUCKY

Use the time to settle your affairs in your home country and for the sponsor to prepare for your arrival.

Best of luck.

I feel your struggle. My first marriage to a foreigner (I sponsored him to come to USA too) was a lot like what you detailed in your post below. Unfortunately, things did not work out for us and we divorced amicably (my choice). We keep in contact and just recently my ex said he realized what a jerk he was in many situations. It just took him some time living alone and doing things himself to realize that.

Your husband may not realize what you do and how much work you put to helping him. I personally feel he needs a kick up the backside for his lack of appreciation.

Can I say something? I hope not to offend, but, if your husband's family is not living in abject poverty, then the money your husband makes should go to you. His PRIMARY RESPONSIBILITY is to his wife. That should be made clear at least, even if he sends the money to family back home.

Nutty

This has been really such an excellent thread/posting –I don’t usually have much to say although I come here very often to read and learn. My husband has been here with me for 11months now from Algeria, and it has not been anywhere near bliss –many many times, the adjustment has been literally so bad –both for him and for me as many of you have posted here. If anyone would have told me that my life would become a living hell, I would have never belived it in a million years.

I love him with all my heart and soul and have invested a great number of years in proving my loyalty to him but the treatment I have received from him these past few months has devastated me again and again. I keep questioning myself as to why or how I deserve this mental and emotional abuse? I keep telling myself that he has been experiencing the culture shock and that all points mentioned here in this posting regarding him being away from his family; losing his network of support. Etc etc all applies well in our case too.

There are good days yes, but the bad days have far surpassed the good ones to say the least. I try so hard to please him; and keep viewing our relationship as me totally giving and him totally taking –there seems to be not even an effort of appreciation. I have bent over backwards as all of you have done –trying to think of ways to make him more comfortable and at ease, encouraging him to always be in touch with his family –trying to adapt and learn his cuisine as best as to my ability –the list goes on and on and on… Who else worked diligently night and day trying to find him decent employment ? Who else designed and created his resume from an almost impossible translation so that people could understand over here? Who else chased after suitable jobs, over and over?? Who else in the dead of a cold winter, every single night would go and pick him up in freezing Canadian winter weather so that he wouldn’t have to take the bus home? This is in addition to the full time plus employment that I do just to make sure I can meet financial obligations per month.

I am aware that so many of them. Psyche wise –go from being the little prince over there –or a real someone –to basically a no one, when they first come here-this is all part of the cultural and adjustment period that every immigrant goes thru, I am sure –and its part of the spouse’s adjustment period too naturally –but sometimes, it is so very very hard and hurtful –I could elaborate point by point of what he does and doesn’t do; what I do and don’t but it has all been repeated and experienced here by so many of you on the forum –so I wont.

Now 11months later –I just cant say yet if I feel it has gotten any better –REALLY GOTTEN ANY BETTER –because he still seems to go into his drastic mood swings –and here in Canada , I am legally responsible for him for the first 3 years –if he ever left me and went on welfare of social assistance of any sort, I would have to pay the government back –which would totally ruin me financially. I have invested so much in trying to help him when I could since he has been here; the financial burden of suddenly having to support another person –because as of yet, he really hasn’t contributed much to help me out –when he does have a bit of money –it is always sent home to the family to help out –they come first, and sadly not me I have learned –you can imagine how that can feel after a while –and yet, when I question myself deeply and internally I still love him so deeply –but culturally, I think I have learned that, at least in my husband’s case –he says he loves me –but its not the same kind of love that I feel for him and I have tried long and hard to really understand the dynamics involved in how he thinks but it isn’t easy to accept. I keep hoping that things will get better in the future. We seem to take those steps -1 step forward and 2 steps back more often than not –but I do have to say that every once in a while, we do have good days.

I know it has been really stressful on him and continues to be both for him and for me –its all a learning process which never ends. I would like to say that he is adapting more but I’m not really sure –one thing Ive noticed –whenever I offer any advise or try to give him some words of wisdom –it usually is ignored in the long run –when a MALE colleague or whoever says the same thing to him –he listens! Grrrr! And so I plod on and try to persevere as best as I can. This forum has offered me such valuable information time and time again, and for that I am really and truly grateful to you all.

And I dont want to sound as if im one of those "oh pity me women" but I have kept all of this so deep inside for so long -cant talk to family about this naturally that finally I just had to let it out. Thank you so much for listening

Same happened to us. Did as instructed and requested a social security card be mailed on our DS-230 form. Double-checked the SS website to confirm, yes, indeed, after three weeks the card should automatically be mailed. BUT NOOOOOO!!!! It didn't. Go to the local social security office and got the same story as you. Seems the social security administration is a big mess.

But we got the card finally.

Ok. Now I am worried.

I don't know who is a poser and now I worry that I can't trust anyone.

I haven't given my phone number or anything to anyone. But I have shared some personal experiences (nothing risque) via PM.

How can you tell if they are a poser????

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

It's about F**$(%G time the DOS issued it!!!

I am doing a happy dance for you!!!!!

Tina

You are going through what I went through the first month.

We all think the seperation is hard and the reunion will be bliss. But reality is that the reunion can be just as stressful with its own set of problems. It's hard after living alone for a long time to adjust to having someone else in "your space" doing things "your way."

My husband is also smoking more and he has high blood pressure. I'm not happy about it either. But I can understand in a way because he is stressing too. So I can imagine this is "nervous smoking."

After one month we are doing better than the first couple of weeks. Getting into a routine.

So don't lose hope.

Salaam everyone,

Hope this post finds you well. i just wanted to share the good news and ask for a little insight...

Habibi arrived 4 days ago via JFK... Alhamdulilah. He passed through immigration and customs no problem, got the work stamp, and everyone was really very nice to him. I am so thankful for that...

We are getting settled and i'm so happy he's here... but it's really hard. We are bickering all the time (mostly about $$ and his smoking, which is about his health and more $$), and i find myself asking if we will really be able to do this? It's not him... he's my Habeeb (except for the excessive smoking habit that somehow increased over the past year ) (i don't mind a few here and there), it's me... i'm the one taking issue with everything, and i'm starting to doubt that i'm even cut out for marriage. It's only been 4 days... is this normal for 4 days? i thought we'd at least have "honeymoon period".

i'm quite upset and find myself sad a lot of the time... and that can't make anything easier for him... he traveled a million miles just to be with me.

hz

Dear Palilover,

In a way, the Consulate Officer are paid to be jerks and suspect the worst. If your husband had been totally honest with you about his past marriages, then both of you would have been prepared for the line of questioning. It was you that got caught, "not knowing" your husbands past. For that your husband is at fault. Not you. But it does open the door to more speculative thinking by the CO.

Dear Palilover,,,,,

I am sorry for you and all the troubles you faced. One thing which I find disturbing is that your husband was not completely honest with you about the second marriage. And the justification for his dishonesty was "all the men in his family lie to their women." Honestly, it frightens me that he comes from a family background which condones dishonesty.

AP (Administrative Processing) is very common. Especially for immigrants from Africa, South Asia and the Middle East.

AP can last weeks or months. The time frame is thus:

1 to 3 month wait: LUCKY

4 to 6 month wait: AVERAGE

7 to 12 month wait: UNLUCKY

Nothing you can do to "prevent" AP as it is standard procedure.

Let me say that Administrative Processing can take months. It is where the case gets sent back stateside and various government agencies (FBI, DOS, DHS) etc.

Now about going back and your bills....

Arrange to do online banking. Have your utilities sent to your email and set them up as "payee's" your online bank account. That way you can pay your bills online.

Say Tina fast over and over...TinaTinaTinaTinaTina. You get Nutty.

Maybe you can give your husband the login in id and password on the chat forum you used. And just give those to the Consulate officer so they can log in and just look at your profile and see what transpired???

Just a suggestion.

CAPTAIN EWOK,

CLOSE THIS THREAD

Good post, Bridget!

I noticed that some people here are very critical of Wahrania based on some of her earlier posts. It's kinda crappy to kick a person when they're down.

I think it's better for all of us to be a little more kind hearted when we see one of the group struggling.

Some people say what you want to hear and some say what needs to be said. Personally, I'm no enabler. I'm not saying anything now that I haven't said before, and I'm not the only one who has said it before. Wahraina's continually negative posts bashing Arab men were a fortelling of what she is going thru now. To call it a self-fulfilling prophecy is an obvious statement, like a 1,000 pound elephant sitting in the middle of the room. Those who care to ignore it are free to do so.

That being said, I wish her the best whatever she decides to do.

BACK TO THE TOPIC OF HOW IS YOUR SPOUSE ADJUSTING!!!!

We all feel badly when one of our group is having a hard time. But digressing into issues of conversion, culture bashing, etc, etc....is unraveling this thread

It's better we stick to the topic of "how is your spouse adjusting to the US?" and for those whose spouses haven't arrived yet discussion of what you'll expect when they come and how will you handle it.

Thanks

Nutty

Threads digressing is nothing new. There's no law that says they have to stay on track of the original topic anymore than any other type of discussion does.

Dear Virtual Wife:

Feel free to create a seperate topic if you want to discuss something. Going off on tangents isn't "against the law" but it certainly is a bummer.