Nutty

I understand how you are feeling. Depression can come back even stronger under stress. Unlike you, my husband is the one who is the immigrant, I am the American citizen. However, I became clinically depressed before during the immigration process. Now it seems those depressed feelings are coming back. It comes from the adjusting.

It is totally understandable to feel lonely here. If you look at websites doing search, "adjusting to life in America" or USA" you will find many articles explaining differences between American culture and other cultures. One thing that comes up repeatedly is that because Americans are so mobile (moving between jobs, cities, etc) they don't have a wide circle of many friends. But instead a small number of very close friends that they keep contact with over lifetime.

Basically, you left a place where you lived all your life and had a lifetime to make friends. Now you are in a new place and have to start from the beginning to make friends again.

Even for me, moving from the east coast to the west coast was hard in this way. I can say it took me 2 or 3 years before I really developed friendships outside of my job (work friends).

So don't be too hard on yourself. You will feel a little lost in this time. One thing you can do, maybe, is enroll in some classes at the local community college (some for acedemic, some for hobby or fun). It will bring you into contact with other people who share your interests. In time, you will find American friends who will become close to you and share more intimate feelings and communications. But give it time.

If the depression becomes too serious or out of control, see a counselor. They are there to listen to you share your feelings and be supportive of you and give you some ideas to help yourself.

Best wishes.

Wahrania,

What did your husband do at home for work? Does he have a skill or educational background that can be transferred here.

As for my husband, he is trying to find work, BUT, I think it is his lack of having an IELTS or TOEFL certification (advanced English language certificate) on his resume that is the hold up.

Because of this, I am encouraging my husband to apply for lower level jobs.

quote]

It depends where they enter. I understand that if they come through JFK they do and they have to ask for it. Other places ,no. K3s and k1s have to apply fo ead when they get there. But ironically, my husband got here with a cr1 and it took 1 month to get his social and about 6 weeks to get a florida id which frankly is required where I live to enter english classes at the public schools so the ss card wasnt enough

I firmly believe someone back home is pressuring him for money or pressuring him to hurry up and get a job... or the SIL has everything and everybody on her back and is tired of it and is eager to spread the love. My husband has a similar situation but there are several overseas ( sisters and mom) and they all send money back home. He also did nothing to start working and still isnt working yet until about 2 months of being here/ He is just now kind of trying to get out and look and go to school and not act lethargic. Now no one is calling as the economy dips farther and farther into the toilet. Anyway, I am too tired and too pregnant to nag, I am just working like I am not pregnant kind of dragging myself here there and everywhere. I am vert close but it will be a working labor.... lol like answering my cell in labor. lool

Right now my husband is studying too. But he doesn't understand that without a car to take the driving test, he needs to have the driver's permit issued first (so that a driving school will let him use their car to take the driving test). We are bumping into the problem of, "we need a car to take the driving test, but the only people willing to let us use a car are insistant Abbas has the driver's permit first"

How close are you to the rest of us Nutty?? Any chance your husband wants to give out driving lessons? Your MENA posse would keep a lot more of our hair hehehhe

My husband, luckily, knows how to drive. In fact, he was the Qaulity Control Director in a tire production company. So he had to "test the tires" on different tarmacs. One German company even flew in a professional test driver from Germany to teach my husband how to do specific manuevers to test the tires.

I know!! Your little Tinkerbell yelling at Kamal .. that's what I thought of!!! Just even crazier that it looks like the inside of your car!! lol

OMG Ashley-that looks like the inside of my car and my dog!!!!! i'm not kidding.

I think you, me, Alhayatszween, Wahrania, are all good examples of how just because our spouses arrived, the stress doesn't stop.

Before, our life is on hold, after it takes big adjustments on both sides.....and unlike over there in our spouses home country who have extended family members to help out, we are the sole person to be relied apon here.

That's a lot of pressure.

So, tell your sweetie, to relax and you too.

I think it has alot to do with the expectations of the person coming here. My husband was extremely spoiled by his mom pretty much getting hand over fist , anything he wanted. He got here and she sent him money and then he wanted to maintain his high standard of living when the money stopped and refused to work. Its only been one month that he has been agreeable to eating whats in the house or working, always telling me his mom will send money and then laying around. He has just started to realise that the flow from her will stop and she wants him to get a job. I think hes in shock she s not sending money either.But now the economy is so bad and I wasted the productive part of my pregnancy when I could have been alot of help to him getting my things broken and yelled at. Now hes knocked alot of that off but My trust hasnt returned and my money is drained and I am tired and about a week and a half from the baby coming. I am plum tired and burned out from all of this.

Word to the wise. Be very sure you can afford supporting both of you before you bring someone over. Even in the best of circumstances, it can be a very long time still they start working and you have to be finanically ready plus ready them as well. We are getting along alot better now. Thanks to the MENA people, I have baby things so thats not a stressor. Some how Ill get through this but he has been a super drain on me emotionally , physically and financially. This has been super super hard

Wahrania,

Please take care of yourself!

I think you, me, Alhayatszween, Wahrania, are all good examples of how just because our spouses arrived, the stress doesn't stop.

Before, our life is on hold, after it takes big adjustments on both sides.....and unlike over there in our spouses home country who have extended family members to help out, we are the sole person to be relied apon here.

That's a lot of pressure.

So, tell your sweetie, to relax and you too.

My husband interviewed in Abu Dhabi.

He said it went fine. But be prepared not to have the visa issued right away. All approved visa applicants, after the interview, have their cases go into ADMINISTRATIVE PROCESSING. This can take a few months for sure.

So, your father will have to make a second trip to Abu Dhabi, to pick up the visa, after the "ap" is done.

Despicable!!!!

It truly sickens me when innocent people are manipulated to be the "bomb carrier." While the "organizer" gets to live.

In Afghanistan, they sometimes encourage destitute people to commit suicide bombings with the promise the family will get money.

Truely sickening.

My husband, luckily, knows how to drive. In fact, he was the Qaulity Control Director in a tire production company. So he had to "test the tires" on different tarmacs. One German company even flew in a professional test driver from Germany to teach my husband how to do specific manuevers to test the tires.

quote]

Well said. And even though I hope to move to Morocco one day, at least part time, I can't imagine the courage it would take for me to put myself "out there," to look for a job, even to go shopping alone. I was there for more than a month total, and my husband almost had to physically push me up to the corner store to buy a Coke myself. All I had to do was say "Coca Cola" with him standing three feet behind me and hand the man the coins my husband had already counted, and I still could hardly manage it (I know I'm more timid than many). The added stress of not knowing if someone I encountered would assume I was a terrorist as soon as they met me would make getting out there that much more difficult (my husband got the terrorist jokes from total strangers within a week or two of arriving here).

That said, as someone who has just completed a year and a half of taxi duty, I can certainly empathize with the OP's frustration.

I was quite the opposite in Iran. I constantly wanted to go outside and walk. Learn the roads, the shops, practice my money skills, basic farsi speaking. The family was constantly fretting over my solo excursions.

Well, my husband and I are quite different in our experience of traveling alone. I have traveled India EXTENSIVELY, Nepal, Thailand, China, Burma, Australia, Italy, Germany ALONE. As a female, ALONE and SINGLE. So for me, getting my barings and finding me way is natural.

What you said about the need to extol the greatness of the Persian culture is true. My husband constantly tells me of Giroft, Persepolis, Rostram & Sohrab, Iman Ali, Hussein.....

That's all well and good...But sometimes I wish he would lighten up.

I enjoyed the Maz Jobrani clip. However, I don't think my husband would get it.

My fiance just reminded me of how I wanted him to go everywhere with me the first few weeks when I moved to Dubai. It was one thing for me to move to Europe where things aren't so radically different but to move to the ME was quite a scary shocker. Maybe it's the same for him. A bit overwhelming.

But it sounds like you just have a smart and serious husband. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just that if you're a more lighthearted person it's not what you might prefer. It's just two different personalities.

Or he could just be from a really traditional family and will need even more time to adjust than others would need.

But it's possible he could still be in the adjustment phase and feeling really insecure. My fiance says that when Iranians first move to a new country they feel the need to prove the greatness of their culture and explain it's history because people don't respect Iran and the Media portrays it as a 3rd world country. Which in many respects it is but Persia has it's place as the world's first empire and oldest culture and alot of Iranians like to dwell on what was because what is is so pathetic. After a while he should loosen up and realize that it's what a country has today rather than what it had in the past that matters. America is abundant in money and material things but lacking in the culture department. That bugs people that come from countries rich in culture but not in money. They feel that culture should be held in higher esteem than materialism but that's just not the way it is in the states. It will take a while to adjust to that.

OMG!!!!

I am reading this on the sly at work. But I feel compelled to say to you and Tarik, "Be easy on yourselves!!!!! It's only 2 1/2 weeks since Tarik arrived. I admire Tarik's desire to find a job so quickly, but don't take it to heart if nothing happened in two weeks. Gosh, it took me one month at least to find work and I am American by birth."

PS...I do have to laugh when you descibe how the relatives just randomly hop in their car and drive up without making arrangements first. I've been in the same situation as you on this. And just recently my husband told me to be "more Iranian" when dealing with his relatives.

It's been a crazy 2 1/2 weeks But in retrospect we are blessed.

I told Tarik that when he got here he needed to take a week off. He worked 7 days a wee 6am-11pm every day at his cafe in Casablanca so I thought a week was the LEAST he needed haha!

During his first week off we were ... alright. He is so shy and timid. He had a hard time meeting people at the mosque, he wouldn't go to visit an of my friends and would often cry about these things. He says he feels like he is nothing because he can't get a "real job" yet, he has no SSN and he is not a PR yet. He keeps breaking down saying: "I don't even care for this country. All I care about is you." I offered (more than a few times) to move to Morocco with him. He says he will be ok, he's just sad about leaving home. So the first week of being on our own and being married we cried at least once a day (it was exhausting!)

Then, out of nowhere his sister and brother-in-law (that USED to live in OHIO but moved to Louisianna for no apparent reason) decided to randomly (and I DO mean randomly) drive from Louisianna to Ohio to visit and help Tarik find some kind of work. I was a little anxious because I was hoping I could be a part of that process and I had no idea when they would be here or if they were coming right over to my apartment or not! So at 8am Tarik and I both get numerous calls on our cell phones. Finally I answer one of the calls. It is his sister and she is on our road asking what my apartment # is. I hadn't even showered and the place was a mess. I give her the address and she comes in with her husband, her son and one of their friends. I am a little grouchy because I had just been woken up and had to get ready and clean in the span of only 10 minutes. I said my Salams but apparently that was not good enough because later Tarik told me I have to act more Moroccan (which has always been my intention but ... I've kinda been American for 22 years. It's a hard habit to break). My brother-in-law takes Tarik out with their friend to find a job and leave me (with no idea of what is going on) with his sister. We ended up driving to London Ohio in the middle of BFE to have lunch with my sister-in-laws friend. The food was good, and her friend was as sweet as Candy but I still didn't know what Tarik was up to. We then drove all the way back to Columbus, met with an immigration consular. Then everyone split up only to meet back in London for dinner later that night. When Tarik and I got home, we cried (go figure). We were boh so upset (more like overwhelmed). We talked about his sister and how she was only here to help etc. Then we drove all the way back to London for dinner. I felt so left out. It was like being in Morocco all over again. Everyone was speaking in Moroccan and not giving the American girl a clue as to what was going on. But... whatever I am used to it. I sit back, listen for words I know and try to learn something else. Meanwhile I play with the children and watch CARS for the 3rd time that day.

The next day was terrible. Tarik was to start his new job at a store (that was all the information I was given). I drove him to the store, dropped him off and told him to come back outside to tell me when to pick him up. The job was originally scheduled from 2pm-midnight! So I am sitting in my car getting bad vibes fro the area and the people. It's smack dab in the ghetto. I see all the people walking in and out of the store and around the area. They all look like .... drug dealers and pimps and HS drop outs with the dream of being on Jerry Springer one day. Soon I saw Tarik walk out of the store. In his black button up shirt, nice jeans and geled hair he looked SO out of place. By this time I was crying. I had seen a women (300+ pounds or more) in shorts that might as well have been underwear and a tube top walking to the corner and then walking away for the past 10 minutes. Then, while Tarik is talking to me, she comes back, talks to a guy in his truck and gets in. I lost it! Tarik asked me what she just did and I explained it to her. I told him I thought the job was bad. It was Haram. He would be selling beer, cigarettes, lottery tickets etc. I know beggers can't be chosers but I KNEW we could find a Halal job. If you look for the good, good will come to you. So we drove home, thought of possible job oppurtunities, and found a possible job at my friends dads tire shop. We went in for an interview. Everything went perfect. Tarik and my friends dad got along well. It was great. He said he would contact his business partnet and get back to us the next day.

That day Tarik stayed by his phone no matter where he was. He didn't eat or sleep the night before. Then, late that night, we found out some other guy had hired someone else to take the job. Tarik burst into tears. He wasn't just crying... he was weeping. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to witness: a grown man weeping uncontrollably. He was unable to be comforted. All I could do was think of other options and hold him trying not to cry. I called my friend asking her if there was ANYWAY he could work for her father. She said she would ask. The next day, there was a BBQ at the mosuqe I was in charge of. I brought Tarik to help set up. While he went into the mosque to pray, my friend was on the phone with her father. She started jumping up and down. I held my breath. She looked at me and said "My father is going to give Tarik a job!" I SCREAMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALHAMDULILLAH! I ran inside to tell Tarik. He was SO happy! Ever since that day we have been great. He now feels a little more comfortable and able to support me. I know this job is something is is not used to, but God bless him for doing anything for me. I lucked out on him God has blessed me.

Other than all of that (haha!) Tarik has also disovered the joy of the Chinese Buffet and Borat

I pray for the best for all of you. Have faith and search for the good and God will reward you.

Don't be hasty in pushing your husband to forsake his Spanish residency.

REASON:

Let's say that your husband goes to the interview and is successful. He STILL HAS TO WAIT for Administrative Processing to be done AFTER the interview. This can take weeks, a few months or many months.

Then let's say after the Administrative Processing in completed and they call your husband back to the Embassy to pick up his visa, he has a six month window to from the date of issuance to fly to USA.

So the reality is it can still take a long time....Why tell him to not pursue the Spanish residency if January is the time frame for that. If he is legal in Spain, he can travel back and forth from Morocco, can't he?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated... so i filed for a cr1 then a few weeks later threw in a I129 for safety's sake. Well we got approved Alhamdolilah (both apps same day ) my husband has since moved to Spain and is working on his residancy there while waiting (back up plan if they deny) he won't get his Spainish residancy card until Jan and can't leave Spain or he will not be able to recieve it.

I've called every day morning and night and they have not recieved our CR1 I go to my mailbox today and I have a notice from the NVC stating they've sent our approved K3 to the Casablanca consulate.

Great right???? My husband does not want to ruin his chance at a back up plan when we're not certain if he will be granted a visa to the u.s.???? We've got tons of documenting evidance of continued relationship.... I don't see any of that being an issue but I am not sure i can get him to budge on this. He thinks if denied we can live in Spain... but I am thinking if you end all be all is to be together than we've got to go for it... he is playing it safe and i understand but uuuuugggghhhhh what to do??

Rajaa

Getting "touches" is a sign the case is progressing. Take heart!

Jackie,

That is part of the problem, I guess. My husband is quite dry and just doesn't know how to joke around and make light. He is sooo serious all the time.

Speaking of humor....I had CD's in my car of different comedians, to enjoy on my daily drive to work. So one day I put in George Carlin and I'm laughing and from Ibrahim, nothing. I put in George Lopez, nothing. I think our senses of humor are more different than I thought.

Jackie

I can relate to the frustration your in. The problem is breaking him of his bad driving habits that he acquired in Morroco. If you don't have the money to spare for driving lessons - and - it is too stressful for you to teach him, then it is imperative you find a friend to be his driving coach. Maybe rereading the driver's handbook at the same time would also be beneficial.

If he still keeps up with his dangerous driving habits, knowing the laws and knowing how to operate a car safely, then the next step is the morgue tour. It's a program of taking young kids to the morgue to show them people who have died in car accidents. It helps discourage them from driving recklessly.

Good idea the Simpsons (but a lot of it is "inside humour" and maybe he won't get it).

Last night we watched Lord of the Rings, and when I explained what elves were all my husband starting talking about was Jinns (or really Pari's, which are not really Jinns but angelic people in Persian). Then he started telling me Moses stories...UGh!!! He always has to go into moralistic stories! I just wish he would be more light and easy.

I wanted to thank all you for letting me vent and giving me encouragement.

I know my husband loves me. He has not cheated on me or done anything extremely egregious. It is only that he can be stern and critical of me. He is not "jovial" but instead highly analytical person. It used to be I had enough good humour for the both of us. So being "judged" all the time and then having to carry the weight of all responsibility was getting to me.

I admit that I am impatient in nature. But I have been patient or at least tried to be. The times I "lose my cool" are not because I haven't exerted enough patience, it is because I am worn out.

It is so important for all of us to have an anonymous place to share our feelings. It is not good to complain to friends and family too much about the "downs" that happen in a marriage. Because it isn't good to give your spouse a bad reputation with those he has to interact with. So I try not to say much to people close to me.

My husband lived 5 years in Marhsharh by himself and 5 years in Tehran when he was at Tehran university. So he is not completely a baby.

But yes, after that he moved back to Kerman to work closer to home.

His mom does stay at home and do all cooking/cleaning. But his father is dead. He is the eldest (at home).

It is my understanding Iranians tend to stay home until marriage because rents are so expensive.

Apparently it is really common for single Iranian guys to live at home even if they are 40.

So they're used to mommy and daddy doing everything for them. So it appears that your man will need a bit of weening i'm sorry to say. He will need some time to be able to stand on his own two feet.

I'm lucky that mine has been living away from his family for 3 yrs. now. He still can't cook anything but rice though. But he does help with the dishes after I give him the evil eye.

OMG!!! He is arriving tonight!!

He is better off going through JFK than Portland. I waited 2+ hours for my husband to get through immigration at Portland.

Don't worry!!!! Sending positive vibes for a smooth arrival!!!

I got married in Thailand with my Iranian husband.

Be prepared the paperwork takes about two weeks. We did it without the aid of lawyers.

1) First we both had to go to our respective Embassies (USA and Iran) to get a document that said we were free to get married. So if you have been married before, you would need a divorce decree copy which is certified by the original court house that issued the original. Your fiance will need to show his Iranian birth (translated into English and certified by his Embassy) certificate that shows he is not married.

2) Take these to a translator and have them translated into Thai language.

3) Take originals and Thai translated versions to Thai Ministry of Foreign Affairs (This government department issues a stamp stating the translation is verified as accurate). At this point the are stapled together to be given to the Thai Magistrate who will do the marriage step next.

4) Take these stamped documents and get two witnesses and go to a local magistrates office. There you sit and sign forms and get the paperwork out of the way. You're married then.

5) Take the Thai marriage certificate & registration to the translators office again and have translated into English

6) Take Thai original of registration & certificate and English translations back to Thai Ministry of Foreign Affairs to be authenticated as accurate.

YOU ARE DONE!

Kerman

Speaking of "productivity"...

I had to point out to my husband that when I am at work, I am at work busy working. He seems to think because I am a administrative assistant I do nothing.

I think you have to realize that life in the ME is very slow-paced unless you are from one of the GCC countries like the UAE where there are more foreigners than locals. Luckily my Iranian fiance has had the experience of living and working in Dubai where you have to work considerably more than in Iran. He's told me that in Iran you might be on the clock for 8-9 hours but you really only work for 2-3 of those hours. So it will be quite an adjustment to get used to the faster pace of life in the states and dealing with the American work culture where people work overtime regularly and then don't even necessarily get 2 weeks, let alone a month of vacation time.

And I can sympathize with him getting lost on occasion. It's the same for me. If someone else is driving I don't remember how to get there even if they drive me there 30 times. However, if they let me drive while they tell me where to go I can remember how to get there after a few times. But I can't be counted on not to roadrage.

I did not buy an expensive camera.

I opened an account for my husband and put $1000 in it. After that, it is his money to do with as he pleases.

We don't drive. My husband got lost walking (three short blocks) after being shown numerous times that "this is the bank" and being inside it the week before.

FYI - my neighborhood has numeric/alphabetized streets

I think you have to realize that life in the ME is very slow-paced unless you are from one of the GCC countries like the UAE where there are more foreigners than locals. Luckily my Iranian fiance has had the experience of living and working in Dubai where you have to work considerably more than in Iran. He's told me that in Iran you might be on the clock for 8-9 hours but you really only work for 2-3 of those hours. So it will be quite an adjustment to get used to the faster pace of life in the states and dealing with the American work culture where people work overtime regularly and then don't even necessarily get 2 weeks, let alone a month of vacation time.

And I can sympathize with him getting lost on occasion. It's the same for me. If someone else is driving I don't remember how to get there even if they drive me there 30 times. However, if they let me drive while they tell me where to go I can remember how to get there after a few times. But I can't be counted on not to roadrage.

What exactly am I saying or doing that is really crosses the line?

First of all, your wife comes from England...so there are similiarities that you are both from a "western" culture. It takes a lot more explanation of how "USA operates" to a person from a totally non-western culture.

Secondly, part of getting assimilated into our culture is having to SPEAK ENGLISH and interact with other Americans. Right now, my husband stays home all day and does not have much interaction. This in itself, limits his use of the English language. Part of my reasoning for him to get a job is that 1) He will become less self-conscious of his speaking ability 2) It will give him self confidence overall.

What I was trying to point out - as a guy - is that if she is really saying and doing all of things that she says she is, he's going to be WAY resentful. If I were in his situation and those things were happening/being said to me, I'd either completely go off and have a screaming match, ending me me leaving, or I'd just keep silent and then leave one day. I would NOT put up with that kind of thing.

She may be "just venting", but if she's really saying and doing those things, then it's real - not venting.